LinSmargiassi

CHANGE I've been asking myself - why is change so scary? What is it about change that makes us worry about it, and even avoid it? Especially if that change could be the best thing that ever happened to us? What I've come to realize, is that it isn't the change itself that is frightening. It's that we aren't sure if we'll like what we get through change. I've been reading a lot of and watching a lot of you tube videos by people who have had various bariatric surgeries. I've been trying to see the perspective of this choice through others eyes. But I've also come to realize that it's impossible for me to gauge their experience, because I don't live their lives. And they aren't me. Some people have never even had surgery of any kind - and then they end up having to get this surgery for their long term health. I have to say goodbye to my incessant need to eat everything on my plate, my need to bake as a form of recreating my childhood before my mom died, my need to depend on my weight to make me feel safe, and my need to control change through food. Instead I need to let change happen and separate it from food and from control. Let's face it: the only choice we really have is to make a choice in the first place.

Family.
 
This morning I was on the phone with my sister. We are actually very close, but we live kind of far apart - in nearby, but not neighboring states. However, despite the miles we talk almost every day and we really share openly our emotions and goings-on.
 
So this morning I mentioned that I had a pre-surgery appointment next week and she was asking me how this surgery was going to change my perception of food, in short (no need to provide every detail of the conversation, because it would take too long) and I wondered whether some of what she said doesn't make sense for me.
 
So, if the purpose of this surgery is to help me control portion in order to facilitate weight loss, why can't I do that now? She mentioned eating every couple of hours a small portion of something to keep hunger at bay. And it made me think: how do I eat now? I don't think I even really know the answer to that question. I just know it must be too much or I wouldn't be this fat. So I need to recall what I ate in the past 12-16 hours. This morning I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with half a banana and 1% milk. It was a pretty big bowl. Probably 1.5 c milk and 2 c cereal.
 
Last night I ate about 1 c homemade baked macaroni, 4 small pork cutlets, 2c salad. Then I had a cup of coffee, three raspberry squares, and before bed a large cheese danish. Not because I needed it. Just because it was there and I wanted it. So, of course I'm fat. No one can eat that many calories and not pay for it. So why did I want it? Texture, taste, sugar... all were part of it, and I remember thinking that if I don't eat it, it could go bad before I can get to it.
 
I also recognize that I have a sweet tooth. How will surgery stop that?!
 
Thanks for reading. As always, comments are welcome!

Family.
 
This morning I was on the phone with my sister. We are actually very close, but we live kind of far apart - in nearby, but not neighboring states. However, despite the miles we talk almost every day and we really share openly our emotions and goings-on.
 
So this morning I mentioned that I had a pre-surgery appointment next week and she was asking me how this surgery was going to change my perception of food, in short (no need to provide every detail of the conversation, because it would take too long) and I wondered whether some of what she said doesn't make sense for me.
 
So, if the purpose of this surgery is to help me control portion in order to facilitate weight loss, why can't I do that now? She mentioned eating every couple of hours a small portion of something to keep hunger at bay. And it made me think: how do I eat now? I don't think I even really know the answer to that question. I just know it must be too much or I wouldn't be this fat. So I need to recall what I ate in the past 12-16 hours. This morning I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with half a banana and 1% milk. It was a pretty big bowl. Probably 1.5 c milk and 2 c cereal.
 
Last night I ate about 1 c homemade baked macaroni, 4 small pork cutlets, 2c salad. Then I had a cup of coffee, three raspberry squares, and before bed a large cheese danish. Not because I needed it. Just because it was there and I wanted it. So, of course I'm fat. No one can eat that many calories and not pay for it. So why did I want it? Texture, taste, sugar... all were part of it, and I remember thinking that if I don't eat it, it could go bad before I can get to it.
 
I also recognize that I have a sweet tooth. How will surgery stop that?!
 
Thanks for reading. As always, comments are welcome!

In my earlier blog I referred to how much I love bread. And I received a response from a fellow blogger who mentioned the danger in having a relationship with bread.
 
I find myself wondering if it's possible that food truly became the thing I could rely on after my Mom died. It feels like a big leap to me - but it's worth inquiring with my emotions about whether bread represents something bigger to me in my food challenge. I recall that as a child there was always bread on the table at dinner. And I would go for it at EVERY opportunity during the meal. My Dad would call me on it every time!
 
So it's funny that I remember that Mom put the bread on the table, but Dad put the kaibash on eating it.
 
Then Mom died.
 
Hmm... I don't know... maybe there could be a relationship type of thing, but if there is I just thought about it 30 years later, so I'm not sure that gives it a legit stand.
 
Anyone with insight it most welcome to respond!

I am so weird. One minute I'm so excited, and the next minute I'm chewing off my nails with nervous energy - which is the playing with the tail and crying scene from Oz, equivalent for me. When I started on the path of knowledge over this procedure (which was a while ago) I remember thinking, "I could never do that" and I graduated to "look at all these people having success with this", to "I could never do that", then on to, "can I get this done"?, and back to, "this will never work for me", and on and on and on... It's like I'm the coin in a coin toss, going from one thing to the next. I was fine making the decision to get this procedure, but not fine once I made the choice. Now I'm second guessing myself as a successful part of the equation in addition to an infinte number of unknown outcomes.
 
Why do I do that?!
 
And maybe that's why weight loss has never been really easy for me. It's as though I don't let myself get too excited because I know failure will arrive soon enough. And that is NOT who I am in my life. Why doesn't this part of me behave like the rest of me? I guess I'm trying to understand how getting this surgery will actually re-set my brain. And maybe it isn't the surgery that does that. Maybe afterward you still have to go up a road you don't recognize, and maybe everyone comes to that road at a different point in the process. I wish it came before this place I'm in now, though. I think that is the reason so many people have trouble with the brain hunger thing. I don't only NOT want to be one of those people, I CAN'T be one of them. I can't be 6 or 8 months post op and feeling like I'm starving to death and eating inappropriately and throwing up, or getting dehydrated or whatever. I can't sing and have all that trauma around my vocal folds. That would be a recipe for disaster for me. How do I cross that bridge beforehand so I can deal with it if/when it happens? And how much energy and effort should I spend trying to solve a problem I don't yet have?
 
I must sound like a crazy person asking how to cross a bridge before I get there. I don't like the unknown, so I'm always at the edge of a big decision asking, REALLY??? OMG! REALLY??? Or, I'll throw myself off without asking a single question, until it's over and done with and I end up saying, "what just happened"? So there's either no thinking or way too much thinking.
 
And now I just want to say that I am such a CHICKEN because of all of this ridiculous questioning! I can't possibly be this much of a coward, can I? What's *wrong* with me?!
 
With all I've overcome and acheived in my life, I can't imagine that something like this has turned me into such a total wuss. I gotta keep getting perspective and focusing on the positive and imagining a huge success. But if I don't find some courage, I'll never go through with it.
 
Thanks for reading. Sorry if I'm boring...

I am so happy I made the decision to have the Sleeve surgery. I am living again!!!
I went to Kohls and bought me this cute dress. A size 2X!...! ME?!.... not 4x but a 2X?! I am so proud and happy!!
 
If you are still wondering if this surgery will get you results, wonder no more. DO IT!! get motivated, get ready to put in time and effort. Be ready to make real life changes for a better you. Really commit to follow the rules and guidelines that your medical team will put in place for you. Give it your all, and watch the magic happen babyyyy
 
I am so happy, I could cry!!!!!!