RJ'S/beginning

Boy Lipsticklady if you are busy hugging everybody when will you find the time to eat...lol

It is not natural to have someone you love die or otherwise we would have no problem excepting it as part of life and moving on..But that is not the case..When we love someone it is an empty place never to be filled completely by others....I am jealous that you had that relationship with your mom...that is the right kind that every girl or boy should experience...it is nice to know that there are ones out there that did have an incredible relationship with there parents...

RJ I'm sorry about your brother and sister, it sounds like you were young when this happened.A small child should not have be witness to these types of things. T Don't be sorry you asked. I loved my brother very much, I don't mind talking about him at all. It doesn't make it worse for me to talk about him . I know that sounds weird...But it's true. No it is not weird to me it is just so many tragedies in life that form us and make us who we are...my children experienced none of these things and yet they think they had it bad...I told them that I would trade one day of my life...they can pick and we would switch and see if they still felt like they had a terrible life.....man kids sometimes!

He took his life. I filled my hole with food. He filled his hole with drugs and alcohol. But just as we know now we could never stuff enough food to fill the hole he could never fill his hole.. He couldn't take it anymore.. He talked to her on the phone it wasn't good she wasn't nice.. The last thing she told him was you are just like me! Don't think you are any different (she feels great guilt now, she did really love him) he was found three days later..Yes he was my only sibling. A year and a half older.. Sorry to dump. I'm an open book without much of a filter. It's been a long day.. And I feel some what bad. She is harmless now really.. An old lady just living out her years with her own demons. Dam Laura....such sadness and horror...i had 1 brother who died of malnutrition, just a few months old and a sister who was tossed into her crib and bounced out and hit a rod that was in her closet..she has been in a special care home her entire life...Both of my parents blame each other for the death and of my brother and the welfare of my sister....I don't know who was really responsible for either...but the pain is tremendous sometimes when I think of them.. I did not get the chance to grow up with either of them... So sorry Laura that I even asked.....crap....We have so much in common you and I. Not everything but some.....Cyber hug to you Laura......

She never stops about it these days.. This is new trust me she's a heathen! But I think the guilt of my brothers death changed something in her because she's been hiding yes hiding behind it since. I told her to please stop telling me to find god. She wouldn't stop!! OMG (haha OMG) she kept coming after me. Then she says she is waiting to die every day.. Yes that will get me! I will die Laura!! Everyday any day I will die!!!! She doesn't understand why I am "soulless" Why won't I believe in god how can I not believe I'm an "higher power" I told I do. Me I said "everything starts with me and it ends with me, I am god" "as a matter of fact you can start calling me god or master, whichever you prefer" Well she left finally crazy and just a bit scared this time I would love to say that I trey to keep god out of it..but she justifies everything using that....I don't know what happened to your brother..but it really hurts you to talk about him..I can feel it in your words.....I am sorry Laura...was he your only sibling? At least in my family we are all bad..all 12 of us..so she bounces from one to the other and at least shares her rage...

I made it through., I'm not sure how well she faired.. It was going "normally" that is taking her to the doctors back and forth to have them tell her she's not dying. She doesn't like to hear that and wants more tests! Or she will get off all meds so they can see she's going to die so then they can operate! (Yes this is all true) o_oI thought I'd get her out of the house this morning all nice and tidy.. Nope she pushed.. And she got the wrath of Laura.. She left telling me I needed to find god.. Apparently she found him and he fixed her all up! Mine screams Christian as well...have never seen such a hypocrite in my life as her....Always been the only one who believes in anything that is good the rest of us are all evil and bad and will burn one day....Can you imagine another mother who feels that way about her children. No wonder the 12 of us are screwed up......yikes!

that is fantastic..mom....don't run hun...deal and make a new road for this time of year..Change it up, you have the power to Change it up...K

Sorry I don't get it..can't watch that show..Now though I am into Once upon a time and the Borges...nasty bunch those so called Christians..... Since my stay at the hospital I find it so hard to watch tv at all..But managed to pick up those 2 series and am watching them....No blood sucking zombies for me.....there are enough of those in real life...lololololo

I agree with your dear hubby..Your body will protect itself against starvation....by shutting down the lose factor and store food in your cells until it decides that you are still feeding it and then it will let go of the fat...Isn't the body amazing!!!!!!!!!!!! Be happy those times because your body is working properly and you are in good health then....You have forever to lose this weight..remember a life long journey...I am so glad you have a man in your life that helps you " keep it real" thank god for that..... I appreciate you to girl!

Congratulations on your amazing surgery results Mcbutter. I am sooooooooooo relieved that things are well for you..Coffee, your body has detoxed itself and you may find you will need a new favorite or not...you know the sleeve changes so much and it will take you time hun like everyone else to get it all figured out and then when you think you do...why you will be surprised that you have just figured another thing out... I know you have followed a lot on here and was better prepared then a lot of us...but it is a whole new game eh when you are living it..... I am so completely happy that you are doing so well and I wish you continued ease with your journey....fantastic!!!!!!

I actually kinda think she may be a lil envious, although idk why she's always been smaller than me. We have same dad, different mothers and I know her mother always compares us, tells her she needs to be like me, I have a good life, blah, blah, blah...maybe that's why?! (Btw, there isn't a whole lot of love/like between her mom and me; her mom just likes to start mess!!) There is nothing more painful then competition between siblings..Mine was with my mother..she always wanted to show me she was better then me in everything...Now it has been with a sister of mine too..I have not played the game with her..It is her problem not mine..But it has caused some real pain in my life over the last several years and my children do not have anything to do with her family at all.... So go one little one and pretend that she can't get to you...Write under the photo that you are hurt that she would post such a picture of you and then say...I would never do that to you...I guess my feelings don't count because if they did you would remove it..Then everyone who looks at the photo will know you asked and that she did not care enough to remove it because you did not like it..she will look the bad one and not you...... Doesn't matter anyway..I personally think you are fabulous darling.....

Thank you for the encouragement!

Haha, I did say it RJ!!! It really was a shock/terrible moment and pic!! As for carrying around 53 lbs of butter - I would seriously like to do that just to see the reactions on peoples faces! Hah!! :-P My aggravating sister won't remove it - go figure...she's ornery!! You know what I think...i think there just might be a little bit of envy there..If she does not respect your plea to remove the photo..I would ask her why your feelings don't mean anything to her....Ornery..no! A tad afraid and maybe a bit jealous..Sisters eh..I have one or 5 like her.....chin up!

I have a combination sleeve and by-pass..They call it a hybrid....That was decided after 5 months of them trying to save the sleeve..Seems to be working for me....

You didn't say that....right! You look so cute and should be very proud of how far you have come..53 lbs...Go to a grocery store and pile 53 lbs. of butter around you and see if you don't see the difference literally.....I am surprised you would let a dumb photo get in your head girl....... Self sabotage little one..Tell your sister to remove the picture or you will take one of her that she won't llike and post it...sisters...man you can chose your friends but not your family eh...... Your to sweet to be sad....hugs!

Do me a favor and check your temperature a lot...If you feel really tired or extremely full feeling....Go see the Doctor..Keep checking your temp ..K

Wow I just got back from visiting my grand daughter and had a lovely day with her and my daughter....I wanted to mention a couple of things as I read through the latest posts.. I had no idea what it would take to be a good mother..I did not have any model to follow and learn from..So when I did have my children I flew by the seat of my pants.... I figured that if I did not raise them like my mother raised us. And I gave them lots of love then it would all work out... Not so...My son thinks of food every waking moment and only remembers everything we have done in life by what we ate that day..He is by no means over weight but he tells my daughter that what he misses the most about home is " the food". My daughter on the other hand has issues with food...She is an excellent cook and tries to eat clean every day..Some times she loses her will and falls back to who cares and eats junk..Then beats herself up about it.... The reason I am mentioning this point is that today my grand daughter bit her finger and started to cry...She asked her mom for a cookie and said that that would make her feel better..I stared in horror as she said those words...My daughter went on to tell her that food is not what makes us happy or feel better it is a kiss and a hug and love that makes pain go away...My grand daughter said oh yes I forgot and hugged her mom..... I changed so much when I raised my kids but never even thought of how I used food on them or if I was guilty of feeding their hurts away.... Coming from a starvation background..To me food was the answer to all ills because none of us were ever full...I am so proud of my daughter for doing a better job then I did with her...I cringe at the thought that I am responsible for her relationship with food...What have I done.... The second thing is that my daughter finally told her friends that I weighed under 200 lbs. She said it with such pride and I watched as her eyes filled up with tears and they trickled down her cheeks..Mom she said..I am so proud of you, you deserve to finally get the shit in your life together..Her words not mine!! She said that all her friends are so proud of me and that she is over powered by emotions when she thinks of what I have been through and what I am doing...She said it is like a miracle.. I asked her about herself if there were any miracles waiting for her and she said she has always learned by example and she said that I am her example..it was more then I could handle and she hugged me hard.... I know I was not a perfect mom and there were times I just wanted to run away because I had no idea if I was scarring them or helping them..but to hear her talk...I felt pride welling up inside of me.....How can I fail now people...everyone is watching me..Everyone is looking for me to continue to be an example of pulling my **** together...I cannot afford to screw it all up.... Such pressure, such praise, such fear of failing again......I want a chocolate bar instead of dealing with the latest....It won't help though..it never did...So for me when the pain and anxiety of dealing with all of this gets to much I start cleaning and re-cleaning my house. Not easy, but I get clean closets out of it I guess......gasping!!!!!!!!!!

That is exactly the point of this thread..Ty so much for sharing your story with us..

A woman I know once made this comment " Life is brief moments of happiness a midst chaos and pain." No one has it all all the time...Life is not one big party...It's the living and the laundry and the sickness and the bills and the job and the car repairs..You get it.. But in there we have to find some happy moments. We need to be happy it is a requirement of living... WLS will never fill that need..It is what you become and bring to the table that brings the moments of happiness....You get out of it what you put into it....WLS helps to get you where you can be healthy and lead a more active life, but it can't keep you there or build a better life...that is where we come in... That is the secret!

The pain..I binge to the same extreme. Pain never stopped me. I've had moments wondering why did I think the sleeve would help? Because it makes me feel pain if I eat to much?? When you want to self destruct? it just gets you there a bit faster. I'm hoping that being aware of these dirty truths and open about them for the first time really, will help. So move over on that square one, I'll be standing right there with you. Laura the entire world is full of myths and lies..We except them and believe them all as true.....we are told that obesity is horrid and ugly and yet the people inside those bodies are troubled and in pain and no one cares..I am always confused about how society treats some of us... We buy into the idea that a sports star is that all beautiful and wonderful..That an actress because she played a role is the woman of the year because of maybe her looks...Hardly any one judges us on the inside or how we treat other human beings..How much we care and where our inward strength comes from... It comes from within ourselves and those who truly care about us..The rest is all show....If we believe the hype about how and who we think we are because of someone saying it, pounding it our heads and seducing us into thinking we are nothing..we become nothing.. We have to break the mold and love ourselves first before we can love others..Find contentment and happiness within our own souls.... We spend too much time looking outward and believing the lies we are told through the media and large modeling agencies and money makers. We believe that some snotty designer can say that we are nothing because we are fat....Who do they think they are? But they have been given the power to yield the sword of disgust for anyone who does not fit the mold of what society believes is normal....Piss on them all..shame on them for making us believe we are nothing.. I am somebody...I am a human being who is a tower of strength within myself...I am building my tower with blocks of change and knowledge about who I really am on the inside and outside.. The only way a person can become a power unto themselves is to take it, build it, mold it and stop believing inferior products of belief.... All meta-fores to be sure but really how we see ourselves is in direct line with our new lives and success...Don't you think it is about time you let that person out that you have hidden away in there to be free and see who she is and what good she can do.... I am trying so hard to accomplish that myself....It is a worthy goal....Just to be the real me with no walls or excuses to hide behind....

can't wait to see the photo!

I think so too. There has to be a difference in the my feeling of satiety and someone else who can leave 2 pieces of bacon on their plate. I can always find room for 2 pieces of bacon. Those people who can leave the 2 pieces of bacon on their plate see food as a nourishment for their body..They do not view it in any other way...it is fuel and that is it..We all have our own screwed up ways at looking at food...those people have their own screwed up ways of looking at other things in life..... I am sure of it... Food carries a completely different meaning for us.... since i started this journey I leave bacon on my plate all the time....lol..Today if there were an entire package of bacon on my plate I would find a way to eat it..This thread has really tested me today..i have not been the best in class as far as sticking to the rules of the program today... But I can't help thinking that this is very therapeutic for all of us involved to say it all out loud!

Laura...You are echoing back exactly how I feel about myself. Or what I was taught to think of myself.....I am sure 100 % that no one on here sees you that way..And so please do something for yourself that is so not that destructive.... what we repeat over and over about ourselves in a negative way has a tendency for us to continue to believe it.. Turn it around Laura and look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice thing about you every day..Write it down if you have to and then when you get on this kind of self abuse...read what you found about yourself that is positive..I am so sure there are tons of things.....do it!

So I've been meaning to respond to this thread all day, but I got sidetracked. Is it too late cause I have more to share. RJ...my wife would agree with you. She comes from a rather large and highly dysfunctional family. I was going to write about their dysfunction, but not sure it matters to this thread now. But as to my brother....when I say I disconnected from family....I mean the bonds of shared DNA mean almost nothing to me. I decided long ago that if someone won't treat me with honesty, respect and decency....I don't need them in my life. Blood relatives are no exception. I wouldn't have a friend in my life who would steal from me....who would deny his parental rights of his two kids....who would steal from his mother who lay dying in the hospital of cancer, and then profit from her death. Just because that person shares the same gene pool with me doesn't mean I can excuse or accept that behavior. Perhaps that makes me a cold fish. But on the other hand I'd give the shirt off my back to any friend in need. They don't have to be blood related. I have a brother similar to yours...he has no place in my life or my family...You have to get to a place where you say that I will take no more abuse Bean and it seems to me that you have made that decision...Sometimes it shows strength to stay away...I know my brother does not know why I have nothing to do with him...but trust me he earned it..So I do understand Bean..Thank you for sharing..It must be wonderful to be your friend if they have earned that kind of respect from you that you would help them no matter what....You are an example for sure..

Let it alone k..you were not offensive and you offer valuable reasoning's as well..Don't hold back how you feel none of us on here want that..hell if we all did that we would be talking about things like new hair styles and nail polish..yes even you Butter....lol