RJ'S/beginning

I do think I am getting support. Not only from this forum but from the people I love. I have always been an advocate for justice and never held back when I saw something wrong...but when I was being picked on I held my head down and walked away..As time went on it just got to be a habit never to put people in their places.... Once a man who lived down the street stopped his car in front of my house to watch me garden..( hope you have not heard this one) He went home later that evening and told his wife what he did and instead of feeling bad he asked her how I have the nerve to come out of my house because I was disgusting....Now fast forward 5 years...I am bigger and not as healthy anymore and so I had problems getting my yard into shape..It took a lot more work... I look up and he has pulled into my drive way..I ask him what he wanted and he said he wanted to apologize for what he said to his wife...who by the way could not wait to tell me!!!! I asked him what gave him the right to look a the outside of a person and decide whether they are worthy to live or not...What made him think that he knew me enough that he could make a judgement like that and not expect me to wonder who the hell he thought he was.....He said he understood my position but now that he had health problems and could no longer tolerate chemicals of any kind..He understood that people have all kinds of issues and some would not understand his like he did not understand mine at the time.... I said well one thing I know for sure is that if your children talk like you..you are responsible for them seeing the world and those in it as worth life or not worth a thing...He said please and I said well if it makes you feel better all is forgotten..He said so not really eh and I said take it how you want it...he repeated to me that he was sorry and then got in his car and drove away... The damage was done....I knew how he looked at me and it got to me as the other experiences unfolded around me over the years...It was pure abuse, nothing less.... Why these people think they have the right to say what they think and think what they say...i never did anything to him..I never beat his kids, stole from him or killed his dog....He had an issue with me because society says it is okay to poke fun at anyone that is not the same. A cut out of the same cookie cutter as themselves....I have no tolerance for those people anymore. He was not a child of innocence. He was a full grown man who thought I was worth nothing because I was fat... So many more things like that happened to me over the years...I don't know why. But I knew it every time it happened and I felt it like a knife in my heart... Now the sleeve and the interest in the results....They really have no right to have any opinion good or bad...They need to mind their own business..And I am telling them so now...Like one of my sisters said last week..( You finally found your balls, good for you.) I have such strong emotions against abuse of any kind..But because of my own experiences in life I saw good people and I saw bad and I can now identify the bad no problem...When they come up and want to gawk at the new me they can hit the pavement......I no longer will stand by with my head lowered and watch as people are abused because of weight...No one has the right to pass judgement of humans..Hitler did it and look where it got him.... Strong I know...but righteous indignation.....that's how I see it.. Thank you for reading my reply...

Awesome...means you have not been as scarred as I have..For me it is life or death...Black or white. Right or wrong...I need to save myself from myself and live my life whole..No more past influences...i need to work them out and go forward.... Tunnel vision..i go for that and then all of a sudden I get challenged. The right thing to do is walk away..But I walked away for so long when I was in pain from what people said... I need time to heal and get used to me before I can deal with anymore uncertainties. I can't trust people not to hurt me right now...It is tough but it is true....

I could not go anywhere without someone gawking at me or pointing or laughing..Most made it so obvious that they were making a point that it crushed me and hurt me..To the extent that I wanted to be left alone. i would put my head down in shame or stare at them until they turned away... I got to dread going anywhere or eating at a restaurant or even going to the gym.. For awhile after surgery no one even knew who I was anymore. I could walk right up to someone I knew and say excuse me can I get that lettuce behind you..They did not have one clue..it was entertaining at first...then things shifted and so and so told so and so and now people are talking..And wanting to get a look at the new me.. I am a new person inside as well..They don't know that or care to know that they just want to see the new shell....I am floored at the ignorance of people and until I can learn to adjust to this part of the journey I just want to be left alone..Have the freedom to go where I want, be who I am and not have someone I know make a judgement...Society...means nothing to me. Society is the excepted understanding of most things whether they are right or wrong, moral or not.....All I need are people who get it..And they are far between..That is what led me to this forum in the first place..Freedom to be the new me and people who understand the pain and difficulties and the victories that come along with the journey....

We will see if that is the case especially when people say dumb things or try to compliment you and it comes out not a compliment and your mouth gapes open..Or when they deliberately want to see you because they can't believe you were able to even lose weight let alone look like that!!!! Shock , like never thought you would even get smaller...I really like those I trust because they know the struggles that we go through to do this on a day to day basis..but these other people.....They just get on my nerves...First they used to talk about how fat I was and now..oh my god can you believe it she finally did it..Never thought she would or could....I hate it! I just want to keep the real stuff for people who understand and the family and friends that support me through this journey......

Because in the back of your head somewhere she is right sorta..Every other diet tried the weight lost reappeared with extra...It is one of the major fear of losing weight...It can happen if we get lazy or to confident.. So 2 things are important.. 1) Fix the head and the body will benefit from it.. 2) never let your guard down. Keep a weight gain number in your head and revert back to the beginnings of the sleeve to lose it....weighing yourself once a week, not becoming obsessive with it... She said that because that is what everyone does who diets traditionally...You have taken a huge leap to make it permanent. But we both know it will be a life long battle!

I personally think that number is exaggerated....maybe 20%...

lol

hmmmmmmmmmmm How much myrtle would a wood turtle hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle? A wood turtle would hurdle as much myrtle as a wood turtle could hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle. Knife and a fork bottle and a cork that is the way you spell New York. chicken in the car and the car can go, that is the way you spell Chicago. I saw a saw in Arkansas, that would outsaw any saw I ever saw, and if you got a saw that will outsaw the saw I saw in Arkansas let me see your saw. I'm not the fig plucker, Nor the fig plucker's son, but I'll pluck your figs till the fig plucker comes How many berries could a bare berry carry, if a bare berry could carry berries? Well they can't carry berries (which could make you very wary) but a bare berry carried is more scary! Say those fast ten times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup....and no more talking....... Is that even possible missy!!!!lol

Yes the naughty corner seems appropriate !!

It's insane! Why do we do that?! I do that too and then feel worse:( I'm sorry you're havin a hard time RJ...i think you're wonderful and apparently an inspiration to more than us on here:) All these woman who work at these stores would be considered over weight by our cruel society but it is not that I am an inspiration...It is that I have changed so much in one year that no one can keep up it seems..First I am being looked at like a circus freak and now people are discussing me at their places of employment.....I wanted so badly not to be seen and to just fit in with the crowd...You know like Laura said hide in plain sight...but it does not seem to be happening....Hence the cookie indulgence today...

RJ, I've done the same thing so many times I go out on the world and get good feedback I'm giddy with happiness and I come home and stuff!It took me many years to even recognize that one..I knew I ate to comfort but the joy or happy I look good eating confused me.. I'm having small victories with this one lately and it's a good feeling. I did not feel giddy...i felt horrified that I am being talked about or even noticed...The biggest thing I wanted to happen was for me to become invisible..No one staring at me or making fun of me or even men coming onto me because they thought I was maybe easy or desperate.... I really thought that once i lost some I would be lost in the crowd...But it is not to be.....And it is ruining my dreams of not being ever seen... I don't know maybe I am not making sense but it got me so upset that I ate crap all day.....grazed my way through the day and did not give a care...Now I feel lousy and like a failure again...Big or small...same issues, same outcome.....crap!

Last night I went and picked up some new clothes....When I went into the store I told the clerk that I needed a new belt, mine was too big..She said what! What are you doing....I told her eating more Protein and watching what I eat and of course smaller portions... She said you lie..I said what? She said we all know your story around here and none of us can believe the transformation. I said what, I don't understand. 3 stores are owned by the same company and so they interchange employees all the time so they have all talked about me to each other..I just stared at her and could not believe my ears... She said how old are you anyway..I told her and she said I looked like I was 42...I laughed and said thanks but I can't give you a tip for that...She said seriously..You look fantastic...I don't remember you now but I have worked here 8 years and I cannot remember what you looked like before.....I told her that we used to talk a lot and she said she can not place me... I left the store with a new belt and a huge fear in my body...People are talking about me...People are waiting to see me...People are looking at me..People are making judgments about me. I just wanted to become invisible...No one would look at me because I was no longer morbidly obese..It does not seem to have happened.....I was scared! Now the reason I am posting this is because it sent me into a frenzy and I ate all day and did not care at all....I kept saying to my daughter..Why do people keep looking at me and expecting something extraordinary to appear before them..... I turned to food today as my comfort...No I could not eat a lot but I ate all the wrong things and I did not care....This was one of the reasons I put up my wall in the first place so that I would not get attention...unwanted attention... I am having so much trouble coming to grips with this new life sometimes and the fear and pain of the past thinking grabs a hold of me and squeezes until I feel sick....sick at heart too.... I wonder if I will ever kill the beast that keeps me going back and forth with self loathing and hatred. People even noticing me.....Sends me into a huge panic...I thought that I was ready for what ever came my way..But today showed me I am not ready...I am still struggling with my inward fears of tearing down those walls.... I always started to put weight back on when people started to make comments about how I looked...I am quite sure my head is not on straight!!!!

Awesome, you are well on your way..Congratulations!

Oops!

My lesson learned is that no matter how prepared I thought I was for WLS..I did not know anything until I experienced it myself...And I am still learning!!!!!!!!!!!!

RJ - Thank you for your kind words and your continuing bravery, not only in openly sharing the pain of your childhood but for you perseverance thru the adversity of the complications you have endured. One of my uncomfortable truths is that I have always been critical of other fat people, especially if they were slobs and didn't try to look their best regardless of their size. I came to realize that I was really just holding up the mirror and thinking all those mean thoughts about myself! I now sometimes catch myself feeling superior to people who are overweight, as though I am somehow more virtuous because I've had WLS when my logical mind knows this is total hogwash! I'm not sure where this sort of thinking comes from and I'm not proud of it. I feel like a real shitted that I have these thoughts from time to time and I fight against this hyper-critical aspect of my personality. Perhaps it's a hold-over from my hyper-critical family. Guess it's time for more therapy! To answer your questions, I had some success in my operatic singing career despite being so large. I got to travel and perform in Europe and performed once with the New York Philharmonic. It was thrilling and fun and a wild ride at times but also extremely stressful and very expensive to pursue as a career. After 2011 my singing career had pretty much fizzled as I had so many difficulties with the physical demands of the stage work. My back went out and my knees couldn't take all the kneeling they want you to do in opera productions. No one wanted to give me an audition much less hire me. It took me a while to accept the reality of this rejection even though it was what I had expected to happen when I first started out. Ironic, no? Also I was in denial about how much my weight was affecting my body and quality of life. De-Nile is deep! However it was the physical pain rather than emotional pain that tipped the scales (pardon the pun) and got me to decide on WLS. My hubby has been incredibly loving and supportive and proud of me in everything I have done both at my fattest and now, at the thinnest I've ever been. I'm not really thin though, I'm just not as fat. I think as long as the girls don't completely disappear he'll be OK with it! LOL! I am totally blown away with your honesty about your perception of "fat" people...it really comes down to the feeling that at least I am better off then her or him...People think it is empowering to look down at others for whatever reason...But it is a mirage..You are right if you keep your emotions away from yourself then you are looking outward and not inward....you are a very brave woman to share that with this forum...I am dumb struck with your honesty.. It is very therapeutic to say things out loud or write them out and then you know exactly where you are in the healing process... I personally have known people who have been extremely obese refer to other people who carried less weight then themselves as disgusting..Excuse me...What does that even mean? I never understood that. Comparing yourself to other heavy people and feeling superior because you might be smaller, that makes you better..I am not saying this is you I am saying I have heard these comments myself... That is delusional thinking. That takes the pressure off of us to believe such dribble....We really have to look inside to fix what is wrong with us and learn to love ourselves and not to judge others no matter what, but show compassion and understanding for what might have taken them to this place..... I find myself wanting to scream it from the roof top that there is an aid out there that can help you with your struggles...there is a tool that will give you the time to figure out what you want, who you are and what you will become if you do the work..... This is one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me...I just want to share it out loud...But I don't, it may be conceived the wrong way..And I don't want the judgement of people who don't know the whole deal to talk about it...So I just try to work on me.... You must be an amazing singer..Opera! My goodness..You got to touch fame and feel it's power...wow....Who knows you may decide as you go along that you want to return to the stage.....Amazing truly amazing....I love the arts myself! Keep that wonderful man close by, he sure sounds like a keeper to me......

hi, You mentioned that you ate to feel nothing. Well that is not entirely true..Food is a unfaithful lover.. it promises you security, contentment, euphoria, a place to land when things get out of hand. A place to balance the pain with taste and satisfaction of having control over something in your life...To give you some kind of power even if it makes things worse and guilt worse and self loathing worse..... It trades one pain for another...Not dealing with it all is when it gets out of hand..This journey that we are on gives us the time to fix our thinking to take it on head on and finally, maybe just finally learn to love the person you were, are and will be.... It takes a lot of courage to travel this road and you are well on your way...Be completely honest with how you feel about the things you have had and are still dealing with..Feel the pain and the sorrow and then rise above it...That is the goal..To become whole... You have this..you can do it...You are the little engine that could!!!!!!

I read your post and thank you so much for sharing your story with us...I know there is more to unravel but one thing I would like to say is..You are in a state of denial hun...if you think it is okay for anyone no matter who they are to call you names that make you feel inferior, sad or less then who you really are... I cannot excuse your family for their thoughtlessness regarding your feelings and life. Surely you realize that their constant criticism affected how you saw yourself and you looked for comfort in food. Your boy friend at the time....Well who needs enemies when you have someone like him who did not publicly recognize you as his girlfriend...I don't care what culture you are from it is only decent and human to love and protect your children no matter what...See the best in them and want the best for them..Celebrate their victories and cry with them when they stumble... Maybe your father does feel bad, that would be nice..But your brother is playing the upper hand card..He needs to be told that never again and if not....well there will be consequences..... You go there with your head held high and if they don't see it to bad. You have changed you have grown and you know there is a big wide world out there that will encourage you and be there for you..Like the man your with right now..... You have come a long way baby and they may not feel safe to tell you so...If they do well finally they have grown a bit...and matured some.... It does not matter who you are. How tall you are. How short you are. How small or how big you are...Family is who we look to for guidance and respect and compassion...Not being so destructive to you.... Some times the only way we can see things clearly is to get far away and then see who we really are...Don't make excuses for any of them hun.....they really should know better if they love you like they say they do! You will grow and change and with your new life you will focus on the changes you need to make to make yourself whole..I hope beyond all things that you recognize the damage that was done and will deal with it and be able to let it all go to be who you are a really great person!

I agree but while It will never be over, it's going to be a little easier to deal with now. It will be easier to say no to it than it was before. When we have the will power it will be a little harder to be sabotaged by our stomachs being empty all the time, or feeling deprived and depressed due to still being hungry. That is what I'm most looking foward to. Using the tool properly will make the journey much easier..And you are right, for a while your stomach will tow the line..But as it relaxes and you feel better you will once again have moments when you will be mad at your sleeve and wonder why you can eat more or you are eating the wrong thing..Will power accounts for some success but fixing why you got there. I mean working on the head issues will help you to permanently succeed.....It is like I said it will be day to day and having the right attitude when you do lose it.. We are not perfect and the sleeve is a tool and we have to fix ourselves to be successful...That is what I mean...

Very nice sentiment but..........I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it is never over....It is a day to day battle to beat an addiction...Just like an alcoholic does not drink anymore he is still an alcoholic and must constantly be aware of what is going on around him.. That is the same with us...Day to day struggle we will never be totally healed...We are like a puzzle, one piece at a time until we have figured it all out and then we can't let our guard down..We must keep up the struggle.. The benefits are numerous and our health and self worth will improve..but there is always work to be done....

Not all carbs are bad...your body turns everything you eat into sugar...does not matter if it is meat of dairy or anything else... We do need some good carbs, like veggies and fruit...Cocaine we can live without and don't need it.. food will always be a demand on us..We must chose wisely and there are carbs that are good for you...just saying!

all of the rules apply to the sleeve..If you eat too much you will feel like you have food in your throat..1 cup of food is maximum for me even after a year out...I still cannot tolerate beef and pork..And only brown meat in chicken...no drinking with your meals..30 min. before 30 minutes after. You will find that there will be foods that you can eat a lot of. For me it is popcorn or any sweets....They do not close the valve at the bottom of your stomach because they are not dense foods...they slide through to your intestines..Hence sliders... You have been on the first round of this journey....The second will be easier I hope as you will have to deal with your head and why you regained that weight. This is not a 1 year diet, this sleeve is a tool to be used to help you with the amounts of food you have to fix the reasons you got this way..You will struggle because anyone who says they won't or don't are fibbing.....Think life change for both you and hubby.....hope this helps!

Your body has shut you down...300 calories tell your body that you are in starvation mode...It will do anything it can to protect you.....Isn't the body an amazing machine..!!! You should drink some more Protein shakes and drink some G2 Gatorade even though you think you are getting enough Fluid.. Once you up the calories your body will relax again and allow you to drop some weight..Also the meds and crap they put into your system when you had the surgery takes time for it to leave your body..Your body is also under stress from the surgery alone. It takes time for it to realize you are okay.... You are now geared to lose weight..It is going to happen..K try to relax about this little setback!

RJ--What caused your coma? Hope all is better now! I went septic 4 days after WLS. They had to induce a coma because of the amount of pain I was in...I was in it for 19 days... I spent 5 months in the hospital due to complications with this surgery and am still fighting with my health for over a year now....Long story really......