I am still very swollen so I was hesitant to get on the scale, but I couldn't resist the temptation and I have lost 10lbs since Tuesday. I couldn't stop smiling. That is just so amazing to me. I can't wait until I'm able to start working out and building muscle and working on toning as I go. This is just such a blessing!
I have been so focused on getting approved for the surgery, focusing on other people success and imagining my own that I hadn't really thought much about the possibility of dying in surgery until recently. It’s terrifying. I have a six year old boy. when my grandmother had passed in April, it was the first death He had ever experienced. I just keep replaying through my mind when he told me "mom if you ever die and go to heaven, Id make myself die to so we could be together" indescribably upsetting words to hear your child speak :’(
Three nights ago I was lying in bed and panic came over me as I thought of how I will be putting myself in a position where it could definitely happen (DEATH) if I go through with the surgery. I’ve read differing statistics: 1 in 400 die, 1 in a 1,000 die, and honestly those don’t sound good. I woke up the next day still very much worried. I sat in my recliner as I do every day because my knees hurt. I watched t.v. and played on my laptop as I do every day, to numb my mind of my barely getting by existence.I sit home alone in isolation most of the day until My beautiful boy gets home and then I’m too tired to play and have a short fuse with him because I’m constantly exhausted (just like every other day). A couple tears ran down my face at the realization that my hope for a better life has to be stronger than my fears of dying this time.
Im not happy being in pain and always tired. I’m not the good mom or wife I know I can be. I can’t fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse because I can barely shower and dress myself with out resting in between. I have had to stop wearing socks with my shoes because when I try to put them on, I pull muscles in either my leg, stomach or back. My life is so far from where I want it and I know I can get it back on track with this surgery. I might die because of this surgery. I will definitely die early if I don’t get this weight off. But I might be able to live AFTER this surgery… I don’t consider this living now.
