Frustrated

:Banane42: I love you too. :wub: It's actually a little easier for me to drink these days with the warmer weather. I'm flabbergasted that Steph is still getting snow. :biggrin: How much have you had so far? How much more do you need to get in? Should I refill your bottle for you? :thumbup: Anybody else need "encouragement" to drink their water? :biggrin2:

*puts hands on hips* If you don't get your water in today, you will have to do twice as many miles on the treadmill on your next workout. :biggrin:

Wow. We must talk a lot. :thumbup: We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner last night. No special occasion, just because. I ordered Italian Wedding Soup and a garden salad. I managed to eat half of both and was more than satisfied. :biggrin: I'm a people watcher and was looking around the restaurant. There was a group of 3 women and a man at one table. All of them were considerably overweight and all of them were eating as quickly and as much as they could; like it was a race. I sat there and thought "I would have felt right at home on that table last year." I would have looked around the restaurant and sneered at the people who were only ordering soup and salad. I looked at my food and didn't feel in the least like I was depriving myself of something I REALLY wanted to eat. My order was my choice because it's what I wanted to eat, not because I thought it's what I should eat. Because I no longer regard food as my enemy or my weakness, it's really freed up my mind. I don't read over the menu and think "can't eat that, can't eat that, can't eat that..... there's NOTHING healthy on this damn menu!!!!" I looked over the menu and thought "What do I want?" The soup was fantastic! OMG it was good. I make a pretty decent Italian Wedding Soup but what I had last night was amazing. I'm going to have to adjust and tweak my recipe so it's as nice as that. :teeth_smile: I had also considered sharing a dessert with either hubby or son, but after dinner was done I just didn't want anything. I really, really like this new attitude to food that I've discovered. It makes my life so much simpler and stress free. :biggrin: I'm off to the gym for my morning treadmill fix. I no longer take my son to the bus stop for school in the morning, so it's up to me to get myself there of my own accord. So far it hasn't been a problem because I've been dealing with period cramps and exercise has been a pain reliever. Have a wonderful day everyone! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Phyl, I swear you look younger each time you post a new pic! :thumbup: You're looking fantastic. :grouphug: I'm having a blah day. Aunt Flo came to town this morning. She only hung around for a couple of hours last month, but she's making up for it this time around. The only time the cramps seem to ease up is when I'm exercising. I almost didn't go to the gym this morning because the cramps were pretty bad, but I trudged up there. After a couple of minutes I was feeling good again. But once I got back home and sat down to rest, the cramps came back. :behindsofa: I took some Tylenol but made the mistake of washing it down with my son's cold orange juice instead of room temp water. Well not only did the juice taste awfully sweet and make me screw my face up, but the cold temperature tightened up my band and sat there for a good 20 minutes. :thumbup: Good news on the chocolate cake front though. It's still sitting on my counter and I haven't heard as much as a whisper from it. Usually something like that would be screeching for my attention. Especially during Aunt Flo's visit. But I'm really not interested in it. I don't know who I am anymore. :thumbup: I thought my muscles would be achey today from last night's workout, but so far so good. No complaints there. It's been warm here for quite some time now. I'm not going to talk too much about it because I know some of you are still experiencing winter, :thumbup: but I think it's helping me keep on top of my water intake. Hey Denise, how are things going with the TT? I'm anxious to hear news from you. Obviously I don't want you posting if you're not up to it, but I can't wait to hear all about it. :biggrin2: I'm off to aikido again tonight. I'm really enjoying it. It's probably the biggest reason my mental health has improved so much. I'm looking at things differently. I'm looking at ME differently and liking what I find. Now if only I could get rid of these stomach cramps........ :thumbup:

Hi again everyone. I just got back from the gym. I did 20 minutes of rowing, 10 minutes of arm weights and 30 minutes of swimming. I was dying again with the second half of the rowing where I changed technique and pulled up to my chest rather than my tummy. The sweat was dripping off me and I felt like my arms were going to drop off. But I think it was a little easier than the last time I did this workout. The weights were a much shorter version of what I've done before and I usually do them first, but thought I'd do the rowing first to see how things went. It wasn't too bad. I didn't work too hard as I wanted to save some strength for swimming. I did a lot better there than I expected. I swam for 30 minutes and did 28 laps, alternating 4 laps freestyle and 4 laps backstroke. I think I drank more water than I swam in. I need to figure out my breathing technique. It was tough to begin with but it actually got easier the more I swam. That's weird. :party: Oh, my little man and I made a chocolate cake today; he likes to cook and bake. And it's not haunting me! It's sitting on the counter all prettied up and yet I have no desire to eat any of it. At least not today. :party: Anyway, that's it from me. Hope everyone is doing well and drinking their water. With the water I swallowed in the pool this evening it wouldn't surprise me if I got double my requirement today. :party:

Good morning ladies. I know I've been absent for a few days. My son finished school for the summer on Thursday and we've been hanging out a lot since then. Yesterday my hubby spent most of the day rebuilding my Mac. He's still not finished yet. I won't bore you with the geek details. My son has taken a break from playing on his laptop (another build project courtesy of hubby) so I've been given "permission" :smile: by him to use it for a while. It's been an interesting week for me. I've upped my exercise regime, but think I overdid it to begin with as I was totally wiped out for my personal trainer appointment on Wednesday so missed that. Thursday we went to celebrate the end of school, Friday and Saturday I had aikido, Sunday we spent the day by the pool. So I haven't been able to go back to the gym this week. So Janet, I still don't know how much the Trainer sessions would cost. I've been really enjoying the extra exercise though. It's like I've been given a brand new toy to play with. I don't know what's changed, but I'm not arguing with it. One, so far, negative side effect is that I've gained weight. At the beginning of the week (Mon 2 June) I weighed 172lbs. Midweek I went down to 170. For my official weigh-in on Saturday I was up to 175! :smile: When I stepped on the scales and saw the number I was annoyed. ANNOYED! I didn't get angry, I didn't get depressed, I didn't get frustrated, I was just annoyed. I still am. And THAT I feel, is a huge step forward. Yeah it sucks that I gained weight. Big time. But it's a huge accomplishment that it didn't send me into a depressive spiral. I know there are a few things going on. My increase in activity, my impending period (this week) and the extra fluids I've been drinking as a result of my extra exercise. I haven't over-eaten. In fact for a couple of days last week I couldn't get any food in at all because my restriction was tight. I stuck with soup, coffe and water. I think I'm finally getting this head thing figured out. I don't expect to never go back to "fat" thinking again, that will be unrealistic. But for the first time I actually honestly believe that I will not gain the weight back again. Strange that a gain in weight would show me that. :wub: I will have set-backs and slow downs but I will not become obese again. I'm not afraid of getting to my goal weight. I'm not afraid if it takes me another 6 months or more to lose this last 25lbs. If I can be happy living on a plateau, I can be happy living on maintenance. It's not going to mean I can never have an ice cream or a piece of cake again. I can. And I can even enjoy doing so without the guilt trip. I'm no longer afraid of food. This is the mentality I need for the rest of my life. I'm going to have days when I won't feel like this. But now I know what this feels like and it's given me a goal to focus on. A mental goal. Not a figure on a scale or a size of clothing, but a way of thinking. And baby, I like it! :scared2: I love exercising. It's no longer a chore to try and get all my water in. It's no longer a chore to make better choices where food is concerned. It's no longer a guilt trip when I decide once in a while that I'd like a couple of bites of cake. I'm thrilled that all I need now is a couple of bites. :crying: Life is good. Life is very good! :tongue2:

The best advice I could give would be to follow your doctor's advice; especially when you're starting out. You should view the first 6 weeks post surgery as healing time. You need to give your body time to recover from the surgery and to adjust to your new friend. Don't concern yourself with losing weight and getting into an exercise regime. Heal. Heal. Heal. Everyone here has had the same procedure, but everyone's experience has been slightly different. A lot of the time you just have to try things out for yourself to see if it works. But as I said, give yourself that 6 weeks first. You wouldn't want to damage anything. chicken for me is hit and miss. It took me a LONG time to figure out that I had more chance of getting the dark meat (boneless, skinless thighs) down rather than the white meat (boneless, skinless breasts). The meat is a different texture and it seems to go through my band a little easier. Most times, not every time. Bread is a big NONO. I can't eat bread no matter how well I chew it or how small the bite is that I take. It just turns into a bowling ball in my stomach. For me, hot/warm fluids will go down a lot easier than cold ones will on the days that I feel more restricted than others. Like today for instance. It's frustrating when you want a cold glass of Water or ice tea and you can't have one because it just sits in your pouch making you feel uncomfortable. Yet a hot cup of coffee or Soup will go down no problem at all. You need to learn how to read the messages your body sends you. It takes a lot of practise to get it right. And sometimes when you think you've figured something out, it can change on you again, so you have to re-adjust. Now I know to take into consideration my menstrual cycle, my mood, the time of day when I'm most vulnerable to cravings, my stress/eating triggers, the amount of exercise I have or haven't done, the amount of water I've drunk, whether I've had enough Protein, too much protein, too many sweets, too much salt.... it sounds like a lot, and it is. It was so much easier being fat and not having to worry about everything like that. But not worrying is what got me to the point where I was in need of the surgery. It's a lifestyle change for sure. One that I'm thrilled to be part of no matter how frustrating and tough it can be. :biggrin2:

Ahhhhh. Mother issues. Gotta love 'em! My mother was extremely judgmental as well. It didn't matter what I did, my mother found a way to degrade me. And my friends as well. It would upset me to no end. I would always go crying to my best friend over the latest drama she'd put me through. One day he said to me "Why do you give her the power to upset you?" At first I was angry. "Didn't you hear what she said about me?!?! :cursing:" He said "Of course I did. She says the same kind of thing about everything you do. Even when you do something great she can find a negative in there." He was right. She upset me because I let her upset me. Having a couple of drinks a month doesn't make you an alcoholic. Even if your mother says it does. From the time of my enlightenment I played into my mother's negativity and learned to turn it around. Like this for example: "Your friend is an alcoholic." "Yeah, but she knows all the best places to buy cheap booze!" "You'll end up just like her!" "I hope so. She's really popular and knows had to throw a great party." "Too many wild parties will get you in trouble with the police." "Not if you're good friends with them and invite them to the parties. They know how to avoid getting in trouble with the law because they are the law." "She's still an alcoholic." "Yeah I know, we already agreed on that." After a few conversations like this, it will be your mother who will end up being frustrated and wanting to rant about everything. If you continue to agree with everything she says and add your own spin on it, she can't continue to argue against you. After all, you're not disagreeing with her. You agree with everything she says. After a while I used to enjoy "arguing" with my mother. If she complained about what a horrible child I was, I always brought out the standard "I blame the parents." excuse. :thumbup:

Give her a call and get her opinion. Tell her everything that's going on. Attitude is a very important part of weight loss, but it doesn't hurt to get a helping hand if you need it. :cursing:

I'm feeling the effects of last night's aikido class this morning. :svengo:I certainly did plenty of core work. My lower back, hips and abs are tired today. It was tough work on the treadmill this morning as a result of that. It actually felt like hard work. :ohmy: I hope I have the energy to meet with the trainer this evening. Right now it's a daunting thought. We'll just have to see how my day goes. Last night while flossing my teeth, I popped out one of my crowns. :Dancing_sad: I had trouble with it a few months ago coming out as well. My dentist said at the time if it happened again he'd fit a new one. So I have an appointment to see him this morning. Maybe when I come home from there I'll take a nap. :cursing: Will check back in later. Don't forget to drink your fill today ladies. :biggrin2:

It's good to see you back again ribearty. And you too Chim. I don't think I welcomed you back. How rude of me. Tonight's class went better than I thought it would. I had trouble with backward rolls. The forward ones went okay, but my brain forgot where to put my limbs going backwards. :eek: At least I didn't hurt myself. Well..... not much. In between techniques we sit in seiza. Kind of like kneeling, but you sit back on your calves. Getting up and down from this position left me with slight burn marks on my knees. But that's my only complaint. It was so good getting back into things. My technique may be rusty, and I was pooped halfway through the class, but I felt I could get into positions a lot easier and quicker because I didn't have the extra 70lbs I carried around last year. YAY! It's been a strange day. I woke up hungry. I had coffee and a protein shake. For lunch hubby and I went to a Mediterranean restaurant where I usually order a lamb shank. Today I had maybe 2 bites and felt things ball up in my stomach. So off to the bathroom to get rid of it. I stuck with drinking water after that. But wouldn't you know that didn't want to stay down either. I came back home and around 3pm my usual hunger pangs kicked in. I didn't want to risk it so had another glass of water. I didn't PB, but it felt really uncomfortable; like my band had tightened up. So I had a cup of coffee instead and that helped. After class tonight I was starving. The extra exercise and sweating probably meant I was a little on the dehydrated side as well. I wasn't going to risk eating anything, so had soup for dinner and followed it with another protein drink. It didn't fill me up, but it satisfied me enough not to feel hungry. So all in all, a good and positive day. I just hope I have the strength and energy for my trainer session tomorrow.

OOOO now this is the second time today I've heard someone mention core exercises. I was watching the breakfast chat show on Fox this morning and they were talking about the alarming rate of ACL injuries in adolescent girls. I did a quick Google search because it was an area of interest to me, the knees and all, and found this page. BostonHerald.com - Blogs: Step Up! The shape of the second figure is just what mine is like. I always thought I was bow legged because my lower legs kind of splay out like that naturally, but it's more to do with my hip/knee ratio. They also encouraged core exercises to help strengthen the knees. Balancing on a ball and stuff. It kinda sounds strange that you would work on your mid section area in order to benefit your legs and knees, but it made a lot of sense to me. Doing aikido, almost everything is centered around your core, or 'center'. So it didn't seem weird or strange at all. As luck would have it tonight is my first night back at aikido so I have an even bigger incentive to continue going. We do a lot of centre (core) work. Thanks Karri.

:lol: Denise, you're too funny! Note to self: buy duct tape and become a stalker.

Thanks for your input too Karri. I watch a lot of plastic surgery shows. Mostly it was research for my boob job, but I was also interested in the TT as well. Early on, even before my lap band, I wanted to make a decision as to which surgery I was going to do first. I decided to go for the boob job because losing weight wasn't as high a priority for that as it was for the TT. Most surgeons prefer you to be within 10lbs of your goal weight before a TT to get the best results. That's not the case with the boob job I had. Listening to so many of the doctors on these shows say "It doesn't matter how many crunches and sit-ups you do, you can't get rid of the mummy tummy because the muscles are damaged, torn apart from pregnancy and nothing but surgery will bring them back together again." I did a lot of "helpful" exercises during my pregnancy to help with the recovery afterwards. It was probably the healthiest time of my life. None of it helped. I fully expect it to be difficult to do even simple tasks like getting off and on the toilet. I was surprised with the lap band surgery how difficult it was just getting in and out of bed. It not only hurt to get up, it hurt laying down as well for a couple of days. Maybe doing ab work for a few months leading up to the TT will help. But to be honest, I don't see it helping enough to make a difference. There are some exercises I can't do because of a torn meniscus and osteo-arthritis in my right knee. Squats is one of them. So are lunges. Anything that involves bending my knee more than 45 degrees is out. So is running because of the impact it has when I land on my right. So is doing a lot of jumping around and changing direction quickly in a lot of cardio workout routines. I fully admit that I make up excuses not to do ab work, but my knee limitations are not excuses for avoiding those exercises I've mentioned here.

OUCH! I didn't think a trainer would be that expensive. :thumbup: I don't know if I'm willing to part with that much money. Still, I'll see how this free consult goes and take it from there. I know doing ab exercises won't damage my port. I just don't like them. I never have. The last time I did crunches I ended up in the hospital the following day with a kidney stone. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with the exercises the previous day, it's just a negative association I have with it. I realise these are excuses not to do something that will benefit me.

Denise when is your new surgery date? I'm excited for you. I plan on getting a TT at the beginning of fall. I don't want to go through the summer without being able to spend time in the pool. I'm looking forward to hearing your and Karri's surgery stories. :thumbup: I'm feeling good this morning. Not as energetic as yesterday. Instead of energy I have an active appetite instead. :frown: It's been forever since I was hungry in the morning. I've had a cup of coffee and that seems to have curbed it a little. I'll have my usual protein shake in a little bit as well. Janet - since I'm contemplating using the services of a personal trainer, could you tell me how much you pay for yours and how many sessions a week or month it gives you. I want a ball park figure to consider.

Today was the beginning of the month in my exercise regime. I always take Sunday off. So I started off my day as usual on the treadmill and increased my speed and incline by .2 and 1 respectively. It was a little tougher, but I think even this will feel easy in a couple of weeks. Maybe. Then I went to the gym again tonight. Typically with my evening workouts I'll do weights for upper arms, but I was looking for something different. I got on the rowing machine just as I have this past month. I usually do 20 minutes on that. For the first 10 minutes I did as I usually do. When pulling back I pull to my mid-section. Then for the next 10 minutes I changed things up and pulled towards my chest. Holy schmoly what a difference! :thumbup: It worked a whole different set of muscles just changing my technique a little. I really felt it. With 2 minutes to go I was dripping sweat and it felt like my arms were about to drop off. But I hung in there and about collapsed when I was done. :thumbup: That was just the start of what I had planned for my workout. :thumbup: I rested for 10 minutes while changing into my swimsuit. I was all ready to get in the pool and do some laps, but when I got to the pool area, all the lanes were being used. :thumbup: So I took out my ear plugs (I have inner ear issues and have to wear them) and decided to do something different and went into the sauna. I had intended being in there for 20 minutes. This is a new thing to me so I didn't know what was right or safe for the first time. I only lasted 12 minutes. Partly because it felt like my upper left thigh was beginning to burn from the heat, partly because I was worried my iPod would explode. :drool: When I came out there were free lanes in the pool. I hopped in the pool but realised I'd taken my ear plugs out and left them in my locker. I couldn't be bothered going back to retrieve them so decided I'd just use a kickboard and do 10 laps kicking with my legs. My arms were still tired anyway. I don't know if it was in my head or what, but going in one direction it always felt like I was working my way uphill. :thumbup: I ache now. But it's a good ache. I feel really pleased with my efforts today and this evening. It's one of those rare days when I have the energy of a 3 year old. Tomorrow I may feel like an 83 year old. :thumbup: But that's not the end of it. When I was walking out one of the trainers approached me. He'd just gotten back from a few months absence and was looking for new "victims". :thumbup: I was in a good mood and decided to take him up on his offer of a free evaluation. So I have that planned for Wed evening. He said we'd go over my exercise history, look at what goals I have, where I'm at physically, etc. I haven't told him I've had the surgery but will. I am SO not doing any ab work. I don't have to because I plan on getting a tummy tuck. :eek: I also have to tell him that I have osteo-arthritis in my right knee, so can't do any lunges or lengthy runs. I've tried a few times to jog on the treadmill but my knee really does not like it. So I'm going to see what he thinks he can do with/for me. It might do me good to have someone push me in the exercise area. Someone other than my husband. He's the most wonderful man in the world, but I would rather not hate him for "bullying" and "hurting" me with exercise. Better to swear and hate someone you pay for that privilege. :thumbup: Anyway, that's my news. I'm also still planning on going back to aikido again tomorrow for my first return session. I hope I don't burn myself out. I'm really, REALLY enjoying exercising. :biggrin2:

Hi Steph. I think everyone is just super busy. I know I am. It was a glorious day yesterday and I spent time by the pool. I really enjoyed myself. I didn't feel self-conscious about my body. Wow, that was the best thing of all. :thumbup: I weighed myself yesterday and I have gained half a pound. :laugh: I was actually really, really pleased because I expected it to go up a few. I was hoping no more than 3. So I'm very pleased about that. :biggrin2: It's not a great result, but it's one I can cope with. I'm going to make better choices this week and hope and pray I stay out of the fat end of the thinking tank. :thumbup: I decided yesterday that I'm going to go back to Aikido this month. I've been away from it for about 18 months because I felt more like a sumo wrestler than a martial artist. But now I'm eager and keen to get back into that. I made my May exercise target. :biggrin: I think I'll just log my treadmill time this month and not bother with the gym work and aikido. Having to come here to change my signature most days keeps me focused and where I need to be. It's going to be another lovely day here today, so hopefully we'll spend lots of time by the pool again. I don't have any chores to do except pick up a gift card for my son's teacher for the end of year party this week. That won't take very long and could be put off until tomorrow if we get sidetracked at the pool. Enjoy your day ladies. Drink! Drink! Drink!

I've been lucky with the fish oil capsules. It's strange how some things will go down easily enough, but others turn into bowling balls. She did suggest Nioxin, so I'm starting on that tomorrow. To be honest I'll try just about anything right now. If someone said it would help to carry a banana in my pocket, I'd do it. I look in the mirror and am not disgusted. That's as far as I've gotten at the moment. I don't see thin, but I don't see awful either. So that's a good thing. :w00t: I know things will get better. I know things could have gotten worse for me before my surgery. I've been to dark places with fat that I won't let myself go to again. So yeah, things can and will get better. It just takes a lot of work and complaining about it. :tt2:

Thanks Karri. It really does help to know I'm not alone. That's what keeps me around here. I need to change on the nuts as well. I've only been trying them out for 3 days now but I find I will graze on them. They set off my appetite. I try to drink instead, but the nuts call to me. :wub: So they've gone down the garbage disposal. I picked up some Omega 3 Fish Oil capsules today, so fingers crossed that will help me out instead of increasing my food intake. Geez Louise at times I wish I had a different addiction to deal with rather than food. At least with alcohol or smoking you never touch them again. But with food you still have to eat. :sad: I've been out most of the day. Went and got my hair colored. That took an hour and a half. It was nice and relaxing. Then I went looking for some shampoo/conditioner that my hairdresser recommended to try and get my growth started again. Then I went to lots of different clothing stores. I didn't buy any new clothes, I just get such a buzz out of trying on size 10s and having them fit. Some of them loosely. :w00t: Being out and about stopped me from thinking too much about my weight. I'm SO tired of thinking "fat". I know I'm not fat. At least not as fat as I used to be. I'm overweight. I'm not always the fattest person in the room. I don't get stared at when I'm out. I don't feel like everyone's watching me when I order food. I can tie my shoes without passing out. I feel great when I exercise. I need to be grateful for these accomplishments because I worked hard for them. So why can't we lose fat girl thinking along with the weight? I need to invent a pill that will do that. :tt2: I'd be filthy rich if I did.

Congrats on your weigh in lindaa! :tt1: I'm sorry your vacation didn't go as you hoped. :tt1: My weigh in is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. I can feel myself more bloated than usual. Changing my diet to include more good fats is probably part of the problem, but I have other things going on as well. The increase in humidity has changed my allergies. I now have a rash from my perfume so have to stop using that. It's not because it's a new fragrance, the bottle was almost empty and I was about to buy more. My chest and inner forearms have lots of little red spots, similar to heat rash. My hair is still falling out, but I don't expect that to change overnight, only now it's gone curl crazy as well. :thumbup: I look like William Shatner in his bad perm days. :smile: Thank goodness I have an appointment this morning to fix that problem up. I just feel fat today. It's not just in my head. My tummy is bloated and my feet are swelling at night. It's not Aunt Flo because I'm mid-cycle. I'm blaming the weather. :tt2: I'm afraid to get on the scales. I'm afraid not to get on them. If I get on them and I've gained more than 3 lbs I'll be depressed. If I don't get on them I'll continue to live in denial and make more excuses for myself in order to excuse any weight gain. *sigh* I know I've eaten more this week to try and get the good fats in. I need them. I know that. What's scarey is that I shouldn't be afraid to have gained 3+lbs. I know I shouldn't. But I will be. I'll be afraid it's the start of it all unraveling. I know I can't eat like I used to last year. It's just not physically possible. But I'm still afraid of gaining it all back one pound at a time. I've been working really hard on my head health. It's been working well. Up until today I think. :tt2: It's not good for me to beat myself up. I stopped doing that. But today....... *sigh* I wish I could sleep through days like this and only wake up on the days that I have more energy than a 3 year old. :tt2:

Yum! That sounds delicious! I'm going to try it. But first I have to get the family through the other leftovers. I still don't have this portion control thing figured out yet. My freezer is full of leftovers. At least once a week I make my hubby and son "Treasure Pie". That's the name my son has given to when I mix a few leftovers together and put it inside a pie crust and top it with cheese. :tt2: He likes Treasure Pie. :biggrin2:

For some reason I'm not getting e-mail notifications for the thread again! It does this every once in a while. I burst out laughing when I read this. I wii'd (peed) for 45 minutes. :biggrin: Alright, that's childish. But I'm jealous that you guys get to play Wii Fit and I'm not allowed one yet. It's not fair! All my friends have one! :thumbup::tt2::thumbup::tt2:

That doesn't sound defensive. I don't see it as an excuse either. I think everyone here has been defensive and excused their eating habits to others and ourselves because we've felt we needed to. You need to find what works for you. Sometimes the search takes far longer than the fix. Just as with Steph, you're an inspiration to me. I take note of your victories and struggles to keep me going and to get my head where it needs to be. I must admit it's far easier to read of your successes than it is your "failures". I share so much of the paranoia and OCD tendencies that I read in your posts. I want so bad to have a body I'm proud of. I'm scared I'll never get it. I'm scared that if I'll do I'll never be able to keep it. When I was a size 22 I told myself over and over that I'd be happy being a size 14 if I could just get there. I got there and I still wasn't happy. I was happiER, but I still look in the mirror and see Fat Ruby more often than not. I don't know if she'll ever disappear. I watched an interview with Valerie Bertinelli talking about her weight loss; not that I would describe her as "fat" in the same terms as many of us were. But she said something that rang a bell in my head. She looks great now, but she said she looks at herself in the mirror and still says to herself "I'm fat". The interviewer was surprised. My hubby sitting next to me was as well. He turned to me and asked if it was true, I said that it was. And he couldn't understand. And I don't think anyone who hasn't been fat does. As important as exercise and food choices is in this journey, there are many more aspects that are just as important. I would put head health and rest right up there as well. I know now that my morning routine on the treadmill is no longer part of my weight loss regime. It's more important for the health of my mind. Starting off the day doing something and knowing I've done it prevents me from going for hours with the exercise chore over my head. If I don't do anything else during the day, I know I've at least done that. But I know that's no longer going to help me lose weight. I've got to do other things. Watching how mentally drained you are becoming has also made me look at myself. As much as I want to have lost as much weight as you and be a single digit size, I don't want the frustration and stress that goes along with it. You've got stress in spades. I can't and I won't let myself go down that dark alley. So I've backed off a lot and started taking things a lot more slowly. The weight doesn't change much at all, and I'm hoping that will help me when I finally get down to the maintenance part of this journey. Right now I'd say the most concerning thing on my mind is my hair loss. I know I can't fix that issue tomorrow and I accept that. I need to get that same state of mind where my goal weight is concerned. And that's what I'm working towards by taking a rest from the weight loss regime right now. It's far less stressful and it's refreshing and freeing not to have to worry about every single thing I put in my mouth. The only thing I'm diligent with now is my water. Well that's enough finger tapping from me. I could go on and on for much longer about me, but I'll spare you all. For now.

To me "change it up" means not to get into a steady routine. I must say I'm guilty of this, but I like routine. Every morning I walk my son to the bus stop and then stop at the gym on the way home to do 30 minutes on the treadmill. In the beginning of my journey, this was a good habit to get into. But as the pounds dropped and my fitness level increased, the tough workout I was doing in the beginning wasn't so tough anymore. So I had to "change it up". I increased the speed and the incline level. For me, this was all that was needed. Until things got easy again and were no longer a challenge. I need a challenge. My body needs a challenge. My mind needs the routine of same time, same place. So in order to benefit from my exercise, I need to change something so my body is forced into making an adjustment as well. I still do my morning routines and have made the increases as mentioned, but now I also have other workouts a couple of times a week to continue to challenge and now tone my body.