Angelmom

Thank you for the comments, Tiffany. I know what you mean, and I have had years of counseling...and I am a counselor, myself, actually....I do plan to get some more counseling, however, but really, I think this whole thing is just an emotional process...it comes with the territory...and in waves.

Today, I am spent. First thing, I woke up upset,(with heartburn) having dreamt of my ex-husband, whom was a rotten prick, but whom I loved with my whole heart. I dream of him too often, but I can't help it. I've been divorced over 7 years, but I took my vows seriously, and though we had an incredibly difficult life beyone what a jerk he was, I still have a part of me that grieves, and it comes out in my dreams in the form of having him in my life...but in a way that I wished he would have been. I don't know that these dreams ever go away. I do know I am still emotionally riding a roller coaster, and that most of it is from the drama of this surgery and the whole long, drawn-out process. I just hope that the Lord is preparing a wonderful husband for me for someday in the future...a man that I can love with my whole heart and get that in return. I would never want anything less. Went for a walk this morning, then to Walmart and did actual shopping. I had to empty the cart myself, which meant bending and lifting...not what I planned to do. I couldn't push the cart up the hilled parking lot, so my daughter had to do it. She would have unloaded the cart, but I had promised her pumpkin poptarts-as a treat of the season, and she went to get them and was not at the check-out. So, that tired me out, further. Then, I rested at home, and had no desire left to cook anything like I was originally planning, so I helped make some dinner, and the twins did the rest, while I rested in my recliner with all my pillows as comfy, warm cushions. I had a little leftover broth from Friendly's for breakfast, a super low fat cheese stick that I melted to oblivion before swallowing, which made me feel uncomfortable. I had also tried to eat a Jello Active pudding for a change of pace but those just don't do it for me, anymore. I'm so sick of protein shakes, and my daughter got out the cappuccino powders, and low and behold, they are to be made warm/hot! I don't like coffee, ever since I was pregnant with the twins, but I said, "fire it up" and she did! I enjoyed it and we added a half tablespoon of non-alkalinized organic cocoa powder and it was wonderful. I warmed up in my chair, and felt good enough to take my son to scouts...but once there, I quickly fell back to pain and even holding my left side to cough wasn't enough. We sat in the van and I listened to the sounds of summer and felt the breeze through the two open windows, while listening to songs that require singing by the listener,....in an effort to be positive and enjoy myself. I had also taken another cappuccino--vanilla flavored--but it was not as good as the earlier, amarretto one. So, I didn't drink but half of it. I was hungry, still. Then, we got home and my son, who is still coughing, took four times the dose of cough medicine that he was supposed to. While I was concerned and know the proper course of action, my nerve finally snapped and I yelled at him to drink the water and get ready for bed. I just couldn't take one more thing. I felt bad and apologized for yelling...then he asked me if he was going to die, and said he understood I was upset....well, that made me feel worse, and I assured him he is ok, and that this happened one other time and he just has to drink water and sleep it off. So, my belly gets hungry and has since a few days after surgery, but I am sick to death of protein shakes. What I wouldn't give for some tuna, or chicken, or a hot dog. I don't even need the carbs...just some actual substance...but then again, I'm terrified of things of substance making me sick. I still have this wretched gas that appears every time I eat or drink. The gas makes me feel stuffed and hungry at the same time. I did mix up a different protein shake, but accidentally put milk in it instead of water and it's goopy...so I won't ingest that. I had a greek yoplait and it was tough to eat, one lick after another off the back of a plastic spoon...with all the gas I'm feeling. Additionally, I have some heartburn this evening, as well...probably from not eating enough protein, and one of my incisions is leaking a mustard colored clearl liquid--which I read could be liquid fat coming out...iew, and ok, then! Then, I wonder if I'm ever going to lose the weight. I woke up this morning, having gained .8lbs. It's probably from the salt in the broth, but still. Then I saw pictures floating across the computer screen when it was in down mode, and some of them have me much thinner and bigger, and the same during other times in my life...and at all those times, and even when pretty small, compared to now, men still found me repulsive, and undesirable...like when we went to the monster truck show...I love those shows, but all the bimbos there had on skimpy tight shorts and bikini tops...it really was disgusting. Then, when going through the autograph line, the men were rude to me, and my little children...and sweet on the skimpy biotches. I felt horrible about that...and I'm feeling emotional about losing weight, and if it will be enough, and getting emotionally tangled up, I realize at this moment, about things that don't even matter...but about things that bothered me when I saw those pictures. Also, when my loser ex-husband came back from overseas, I had pulled my life together and had lost quite a lot of weight, and then he said, 'you lost a lot of weight, I don't think I want a divorce anymore." Well, I layed the law down for him and told him what I expect of a husband...which wasn't what he was willing to give...so he went forward with the divorce, which was fine by me, but very upsetting. It's just been so hard, my whole life a mess, starting with my father holding me down, beating me and forcing me to eat deer meat and mashed potatoes, and then when I was so terrified and upsed, I'd throw it up just to be forced to swallow the throwup....all the way through to being with the wrong kind of men and being judged for my size. One thing is for sure, I would never want to date a man who wouldn't date a bigger woman...how would I know if a man is kind to bigger women or not, I don't know, but I do know I need to get this crap I'm struggling with out of me....and leave it there...and build my life for me....care for myself for my health and the well-being of my children. I just wish I didn't have so much crap in my life all these years....adding being an orphan to the pile, and being abused by so many people, and abandoned, and then raising two special needs children, along with the loss of a child and so many others. I don't wonder how I got this way. It's just sad, and I want to be out of physical pain so that I can really work to move forward. I did not expect this amount of pain...it makes me feel vulnerable, and shed tears now and then, and I'm not used to that. I find myself leaning on the Lord and praying a lot about whatever comes into my mind. Apparently, whatever that is needs attention beyond what I can give, so I give it to the Lord...and get a hug from my best friend, my child....and person for whom I have tremendous respect, love and admiration. I hope to be as great a woman as she has been becoming. I am truly blessed by my children. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it, a clean slate with which to move forward, and that's what I intend to do...starting with cooking an egg like the one that I enjoyed so much the other day...got to get that protein in.

Not sure about the drinks, but you can indulge a bit of food as long as the rest of the time you stick with it...make sure to exercise off anything you do eat, though.

I have been floating within a 2lb range after losing 32lbs these three weeks.....I don't like the "stall," but then again, I did lost 32lbs. I think my body is holding onto the fluid for pms reasons...that's what it did other times when I was trying to lose weight...for about a week every month, I'd lose nothing....but I'd much rather lose weight every day, like earlier.

My understanding is that most people will gain 10-12 lbs once they get to their goal and change the dieting behaviors a bit....seems like you got close to your goal and added some normal things in....but a bit too soon. I'd say just cut the carbs, increase some activity, recommit to weighing yourself daily--to watch for creep-ups, works for me--and counting your calories, again. You can do it. I'd like to get 10-12...maybe 15 lbs below my ideal weight...so when I gain the 10 lbs that are normal, back, I will be right at my ideal planned weight.

I was told by my surgeon, that you would "be amazed at how much the sleeve can stretch."

Losing too much? I can only hope. ...to slow losing...try a little carbs.

Insurances often won't take the family doctor discussions as enough to meet requirements. I went through an extensive program and before that I had done the doctor visits with a nutritionist there...but it was not the same. I would suggest finding a bonafide program that deals directly with bariatrics and start over....a full out program is much better as far as preparing you for this, than a pcp....they really don't have the know-how to support you, guide you, and prepare you. Plus, that doctor doesn't sound too swift....what sort of weight will that doctor hold on your behalf, even if they find the person?

Have you tried cold water....may be soothing to your belly and help with swelling a little bit.

I love to sew and had a business at one point, until 9-11 happened and it wall went downhill from there. I had the same maniquin, but sold it becuase you cannot put pins in it...and so I hardly used it. Instead, I just know my own body size and try things on often...gets the job done well.

Thank you! I will see about those lotions, because nothing else is working. I appreciate the suggestions. Cindi

I had an actual good day, today! I got a shower with relative ease!....Walked about .25 miles, maybe a little more. I took it easy, but nonetheless accomplished real walking. I felt my body get warmed up when I finished up. The walk took me about 25 minutes, but I did it...outside, in the sun, with my daughter-my angel, and best friend, at my side. I couldn't ask for a better friend, child, daughter. She is truly wonderful, and I admire her so much! I also took the twins out to get some food to eat as a treat...my son got a crab sub with a ton of bvegetables on flatbread at Subway...it IS Subway's birthday, and it was only $5! That's what he said! My daughter got chili from Wendy's and both of them wanted french fries...hold the salt! I got chicken soup broth from Friendly's. It had some tiny chunks of chicken and very mushy, melty noodles that I smashed to smitherines in my mouth and swallowed, anyway. If I can have a tablet that is the size of an eraser, I think I can have a little teeny bit of substance. I really wanted to go to a movie, and just sit there and soak it in...but movies are a rip off, and the lack of some goodie to enjoy while at the movie made me not go to a movie...plus, I was tired after the walk and didn't want to be away from my daughter. I stayed with her as she did her cyber school--which she loves, btw. Instead, when my boy got home, we left for food, and rented two Redbox movies...the Katy Perry movie--suprisingly interesting, and Hysteria--also very interesting, especially since I had wanted to be a doctor, and at an auction got this old doctor book that had one of the stages of life for women as "hysteria!" I thought that was interesting, and to see it played out in a movie was very enjoyable! I suggest both movies. Once home, and watching Hysteria...I had made a real hot cocoa...it's on the stage 2 diet! 1 cup of organic skim milk...one scoop organic non-alkaline cocoa, and a packet of stevia...yum! I really and truly enjoyed my food, today. I had wanted to drink the cherry Nectar that someone sent to me...and I tried to drink it...but had a hard time because of throwing up last night...so I had some of it and let my son try it...and he drank it ALL! haha! Watching him drink it was funny...the straw was sucking air...yes, I know I'm not supposed to use straws, but they do not give me gas and I thought I could get more protein in. I also lost two more pounds, today!...so I have 97lbs to go! After the violent vomitting of last night, I wasn't sure that I didn't have a leak possible, so I ate nothing until I could get the doctor's office to call me back, and I'm fine. Doctor's nurse said I may need to take Miralax for a while until fiber can be reintroduced. That stinks, but at least I have no leak! It's been a good and blessed day. I am determined to actually go to the fair and do more than sit at a few locations and suffer. Tomorrow I will walk again...and hopefully , I will wake up stronger than I woke up today...just like the day before yesterday when I walked at the fair. Walking is healilng. This is the first day I have felt satisfied with my meals, and happy, with a touch of normal....mostly for just the afternoon into this evening. I even think I'm going to sleep well. I am hungry, too, but I'll have a drink and that will take care of that, until morning. I also purchased some cold pack devices and have started putting them on my belly to try and reduce swelling, especially after walking. I hope it works, and I hope to lose all my extra weight. Hope is high, right now! It's a good day! My skin will not moisturize up. I put olive oil all over my skin today...and my daughter helped me with one of my feet and lower leg...but I am dry, dry, dry. I wish I had a way to fix that. Even the rosacea on my face will not relent.

I knew someone who had constrictures at the top and bottom of her esophagus, and food would go up and down between the two spots until finally, one day, she inhaled a piece of steak that was stuck. A trip to the ER, and a scope revealed the problems. I wouldn't mess around with it...go ask to be scoped...that might be the best thing to look in there right now. I say to ask for it, that way maybe the'll be inclined to do something versus just tell you to eat smaller bites or something.

GNC Total Lean pre-made Vanilla and Strawberry are ok enough. I can't stand the EAS shakes that someone else loves because they are really whey-tasting. The GNC Total Lean ones aren't. If you go to GNC, you can buy it, try it, and return it if you don't like it. I also do not suggest buying that club card until you are sure you will continue with those shakes, because if you go to return it, you won't get your $15.00 back that you'd have spent on the gold card. Not worth losing $15. You could always take them back and get the card and rebuy them if you really wanted to.

Perhaps after you reach your goals, you can treat yourself and ask the restaurant to go easy on the oil, and eliminate the salt....since they make it fresh. Don't do it now, while you are reaching your goals. It will just slow you up...and no one want that. I, too, wish for some food...I really do, but I'm not allowed food, yet, and when I am, I have to be careful...I really want to stick to the Protein shakes and get all the weight off before eating foods. I wonder if just a bite would fill you up, as so many people say on here, that once you eat actual food...you cannot eat as much as you can drink of a Protein shake.

I just realized that I have lost 49lbs altogether, and that I have 99 to go to reach my goal! That's less than 100lbs! Yay for me! Good thing I can't go eat to celebrate that...because I want to party and celebrate. I'll just have to enjoy that I'm getting better and that the sun is shining, and soon I'll be back outside walkin in it!...maybe even jogging a little! I picked 160 as a midpoint of where I'd really like to be and where I was once before. At 189, the last time I had lost 63lbs....I was happy...then I gained it and more back. I was 165 or so when I got home from the Army, years ago, and that was ok...but when I was my thinnest, and felt the healthiest...I was 145-150. I had starved myself down to 138 one time, when I was going in the Marines...but honestly, I was sick as a dog and if I ate anything, I could not maintain that weight. I remember thinking I wanted to eat a houseplant that was in one of the offices I was in at that time, because I could not maintain that horribly small weight and eat. So, anyway, about 160 would be sweet.

That's awesome!!!! Your achievement gives me hope and motivation...staying power. I like it. I see that you haven't smoked in 121 days...that's awesome, too! Good for you, and those around you. I hate smoke in doorways of gas stations and grocery stores...festivals, etc. I just think that's wonderful that you quit!!! I realized just a bit ago, that I have less than 100 lbs to lose....99lbs!!!! Granted, I picked 160 as a midpoint of where I'd really like to be and where I was once before. At 189, the last time I had lost 63lbs....I was happy...then I gained it and more back. I was 165 or so when I got home from the Army, years ago, and that was ok...but when I was my thinnest, and felt the healthiest...I was 145-150. I had starved myself down to 138 one time, when I was going in the Marines...but honestly, I was sick as a dog and if I ate anything, I could not maintain that weight. I remember thinking I wanted to eat a houseplant that was in one of the offices I was in at that time, because I could not maintain that horribly small weight and eat. So, anyway, about 160 would be sweet. I'm just going to keep working at it....just like you are!

We went to the fair, yesterday afternoon. I had taken some B12 under the tongue, and I think it helped me have energy to drive and be alert. Eating eggs has helped me feel more awake. My son carried my chair for me and gave me his sweatshirt to use as a pillow behind my back. I paid him $3.00 to do it...finally he's done something to help me, instead of the reverse. I just sat there except for a little walking to the entertainment stand, and a bit more walking to get some soup...as well as out to the parking lot. I was not able to eat the soup once I got back to my chair with it because it was all grease. My son wouldn't even eat it. I was in a lot of pain from walking, again....but I guess getting out was good. There were no meatballs there to buy and bring home for later, either!--something about the fair raising it's prices and Sunset not being willing to raise their--so they just got rid of the best meatballs ever, instead! WHAT!!! I was upset about that...and my daughter did not pack me a protein shake, so I had only the two greek yogurts, and I was sick to my stomach when we got home from not having anything to eat. Next time, I'll make sure I have what I need packed...even if my daughter carries ir ot packs it...I'll check it better, because I had to take that liquid Rinitidine--yuck!...and an actual antacid...and rock myself to comfort while watching SNL--Mumford and Sons (my favorite band) was on! The ride home was a little rough, but the belly binder helped--I think...hard to tell since that's the first time I went anywhere, really, since the surgery. I'm having a hard time going potty...went to the pharmacy to get my stack of meds., Miralax and mineral oil, along with some nice warm Unjury chicken broth. I need to figure out how to get fiber in without hurting my sleeve. Yogurt certainly has none! Yesterday, I dropped my second to last shot on the floor. As I had inserted the needle, it hurt, then I flinched with my fingers and dropped the needle without having injected the Lovenox....so, I got new shots and took care of that problem, first thing this morning. I miss summer....these last 17 days have been very cooped up and full of suffering....I can't wait until I can get back to my walks...how I love those walks. The Carnation sugar-free chocolate packs used to give me gas pains in my stomach when I first tried them this past winter. Then I had no problems with them. Now, I think they cause many more gas pains and I cannot use the Carnation packets, anymore. I have an entire plastic chip jug full of them, too. I hope to be able to drink them, or the twins can have them....we'll have to see. I was able to stand them better than the other protein sources...not that there were many...just the GNC Total Lean Vanilla and Strawberry...very expensive. I keep putting lotion on my skin, and it keeps being dry and scaly. I think I'm going to give olive oil a try, followed by Vaseline. As of today, I am down 49lbs...29 since surgery...and i can see my knuckles. My exercise tops fall off...which is annoying, but good. I'm sure glad I did not buy anymore clothes these last few months...except for exercise tops at Walmart for $6. I'll have to get sewing to take them in a bit, because I have no intention of buying more clothes for a long time. Also, I have not been able to wear a bra because it pushes on my incision sites, or down on the muscles and sore parts, and squishes things in an uncomfortable way. Yesterday, I got out a soft sport bra to try and wear at the fair...got to put the girls in something!...but even that wasn't good enough. I cut the areas that were a bit binding to loosen them up. As soon as I got to my van to leave, I took that thing off, right there in the middle of the helicopter ride area! I don't care who saw me...lol! But, now, today, I put a bra on to go to the pharmacy, and it didn't cause me any discomfort! I'm getting slowly better and so happy about that! I just hope I'm better enough to go to open house at my son's school. Onward and upward!

I got permission to have eggs, cottage or ricotta cheese. I only like eggs...and haven't tried them since I was told I could have them...but right now, I'm having one...in the hopes that my energy will increase. I'm amazed that I think I can eat the whole thing, when others said they ate two bites and were stuffed. I just hope I'm doing it right...chewing enough. I have had no uncomfortableness so far, unlike with liquids, and I am chewing the egg down to bits. It sure tastes good....and the ads on the tv for food, all the time do not help with head hunger, except to show me how brainwashed we are into eating all the time....which is help in a different way...to be able to see the brainwashing. I managed to go outside and walk .1 miles...but when I got back, I was pooped. I have tried to nap a couple times today, but it's not happening. Then, you get the gas that's rolling around in me still...very painfully so...and I'm in tears between the gas and no energy. I also managed to drive to the stores, yesterday, and got a shower. I can use another shower...but showers are exhausting, as well. The landlord is coming tomorrow, and I'll have to get cleaned up for him...or...maybe I won't, and I'll just sit in my chair. My friend who insisted I be part of the Halloween skits finally has it through her head that I'm not going to be involved except to make a few little things if I can swing the energy. So that's a good thing, but she keeps calling about the sewing. I'll have to find a way to accomplish that for her, next week. My son is behaving better, and is still sick. Making him wear a mask and wash often as well as use sanitizer, often has prevented me from getting sick...however, I am still coughing up chunks of junk from the ventilator. I think it's all almost out of my lungs. Looking forward to more energy! I really want to go to the fair! I don't have to eat there, but can bring food home for when I can eat something besides eggs.

I did go ahead and have the B12 sublingual tab, and I think it helped. I also took a gummy vitamin, today. I think it's helping....I hope I don't get into problems from it.

I did go ahead and have the B12 sublingual tab, and I think it helped. I also took a gummy vitamin, today. I think it's helping....I hope I don't get into problems from it.

Those going in should not figure that the easy road some people seem to have will be your road. Prepare for the worst pain of your life, mentally get set so you can deal with it, and then if you don't have that, you're lucky and it will be a gift. Know, and understand what you could be getting into, because I listened to all the people saying how pretty smooth it was, etc...and I had the exact opposite...and my case is really the norm.

I lost 2 more pounds this morning! Sweet! That's 48 lbs down total, and 28 down since the surgery. I would advise everyone who is getting the sleeve to expect the worst as far as pain goes.....because if you expect hell, and get something better, it will be a gift and you won't be blindsided with pain that makes you think you're dying...as was my case.

You are truly blessed to have such a smooth and easy ride. Good for you! I had the opposite. Good luck with the rest of your recovery.

I have not lost weight for the last 2 days....and though I lost 26lbs in the 14 days post surgery, I am hoping that weight loss will pick back up...and last. I had an egg today and can't help but wonder if eating actual food is going to throw me off...although I don't really want to eat that much....the commercials on tv make me crave...and I do get actual hunger...that sometimes a sip of water gets rid of. Sometimes I think it's the gas that makes me feel hungry. So, has it been difficult for you to get that weight off? I get about 400 calories in, and most of my minimum protein in.