CrazyCatLady

I'm working graveyard shift today, but my body doesn't want to cooperate with sleep...so here I am, awake when I should be asleep. But it's ok.
 
Since my breakdown on Monday, I've been making a concerted effort to really question my motivations for anything that comes in or out of my mouth. I hadn't realized it, but I have been buying into the pity that has been coming from aquaintances:
 
"If I could only eat a few bites, I would DIE!"
 
"Aren't you going to end up like Carnie Wilson? You know, she had that surgery and gained it all back."
 
"Wow, you're going to be so sick...I had a (insert friend or relative here) who had that surgery, and he/she was so malnourished that she had to live in the hospital for (insert long period of time), they had to feed her through a tube and he/she almost died!"
 
"We're all going out drinking....you coming CatLady? Oh, that's right...no fun for you anymore!"
 
etc, etc, etc.
 
I'm not sure why I took so many of these to heart, but I have. It comes down to feeling....abnormal. It's a feeling I've struggled with almost my entire life. I just want to fit in - and since surgery, it feels like I stick out even more. For some reason, I chose to remedy this in a fashion that was really no remedy at all. It just made me feel like more of a screw up.
 
So my goal this week has been to listen only to myself, not what I -THINK- others may think or say about me. It has been challenging, but doable. The big realization is that I *AM* normal. THIS is my new normal. and I've got to go with the flow.
 
Took my daughter to Panda Express (her favorite place) to celebrate the last day of school, and was perfectly content picking at 1/4 of a side's worth of Mushroom Chicken. Enjoyed talking to her and being inside in the air conditioning. And felt ok. Just have to lock this feeling away and remember it.

I'm working graveyard shift today, but my body doesn't want to cooperate with sleep...so here I am, awake when I should be asleep. But it's ok.
 
Since my breakdown on Monday, I've been making a concerted effort to really question my motivations for anything that comes in or out of my mouth. I hadn't realized it, but I have been buying into the pity that has been coming from aquaintances:
 
"If I could only eat a few bites, I would DIE!"
 
"Aren't you going to end up like Carnie Wilson? You know, she had that surgery and gained it all back."
 
"Wow, you're going to be so sick...I had a (insert friend or relative here) who had that surgery, and he/she was so malnourished that she had to live in the hospital for (insert long period of time), they had to feed her through a tube and he/she almost died!"
 
"We're all going out drinking....you coming CatLady? Oh, that's right...no fun for you anymore!"
 
etc, etc, etc.
 
I'm not sure why I took so many of these to heart, but I have. It comes down to feeling....abnormal. It's a feeling I've struggled with almost my entire life. I just want to fit in - and since surgery, it feels like I stick out even more. For some reason, I chose to remedy this in a fashion that was really no remedy at all. It just made me feel like more of a screw up.
 
So my goal this week has been to listen only to myself, not what I -THINK- others may think or say about me. It has been challenging, but doable. The big realization is that I *AM* normal. THIS is my new normal. and I've got to go with the flow.
 
Took my daughter to Panda Express (her favorite place) to celebrate the last day of school, and was perfectly content picking at 1/4 of a side's worth of Mushroom Chicken. Enjoyed talking to her and being inside in the air conditioning. And felt ok. Just have to lock this feeling away and remember it.

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.
 
I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.
 
Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.
 
Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.
 
This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.
 
Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.
 
I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.
 
I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.
 
Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.
 
Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.
 
This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.
 
Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.
 
I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.
 
I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.
 
Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.
 
Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.
 
This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.
 
Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.
 
I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.
 
I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.
 
Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.
 
Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.
 
This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.
 
Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.
 
I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.