LovingHusband1979

My wife has seriously been considering having the gastric sleeve. I am fully supportive of her in anything she wants to do, and want nothing but the best for her...except for this. She is a little overweight, and has a low metabolism so it is hard for her to keep weight off. On the same token, she isn't physically active and does not even try to restrain herself from the temptation to eat fattening foods, especially when other people are doing it. Let me just be very clear here, I am in no way deluded to the fact that those are easy things to do, and I am 100% aware that those things are much easier said than done. I just happen to be one of those people who can eat whatever I want and not gain weight. That doesn't mean I'm any healthier, though, as I am 32, 5'7 150lbs, and have very high cholesterol. Therefore I also need to make some changes in my lifestyle. My wife has 3 sisters. Two of them have already had a WLS, one a bypass, the other a lap band. Neither of them are physically active, nor limit what they eat either. Funny part is, sister #3 is probably I'd say 5'4, 120 lbs, VERY healthy...difference? She eats right and exercises. That's it, we are talking about the same genetics here. Therefore, I am extremely reluctant to give my wife the blessing to go have a life altering surgery that has a chance (no matter how low the risk stats are, this is my family) of taking away the things that I love the most about her. Those things are the fact that she is happy, healthy, full of life, and a very smart and sophisticated woman (software engineer). If she were morbidly obese, and her weight was truly becoming a hazard to her health and well being, then I may feel different, but even then I'd be somewhat skeptical about a surgery that removes 90% of your stomach, the vital organ given to us by our creator to ensure that our body gets the nutrients it needs to sustain health. The thing is, I know for a fact that she thinks it is much worse than it actually is, and by making a few life changes (changes that she would have to make REGARDLESS, even IF she had the surgery), she can stop gaining weight, and eventually (key word here.."eventually", it NOBODY SAID IT IS EASY and it DOES NOT happen overnight, or even "quickly", not naturally anyway), start to lose weight. Problem is she tries to tell me she's tried, but all I've seen is her "try to try" for roughly a month or so, get discouraged because she's not losing weight like she wants, and just give up. My ex gf had the same exact issue, but she COMMITTED herself, ate right EVERY SINGLE MEAL for MONTHS, exercised 3-5 times a week, and eventually lost 80 lbs. Back to the main issue here. The part that makes it even harder for me to convince her is the fact that her best friend is married to an bariatric surgeon, a very successful and extremely intelligent guy with tons of success stories, whom I have nothing but respect for. What gets me is the fact that this surgery is irreversible, and if it does not go as planned, and complications arise (especially some of the ones I've been reading about, it would literally tear my heart out to see that happen to my family), there is no way to just go back and "fix" that. For some, a life of sickness and regret is very long lasting. I may seem like I'm being unfair here, but that is how I feel. I have tried telling her everything I can, and even broke down crying last night over the thought of something bad happening to her, but she still sees it as I am not supportive of her and that I am being unfair. I finally told her that if she decides to go through with it, it will only be after she has turned her back on me and has chosen her desire to lose weight "easily" over me. The thing is, this affects me nearly as much as it would her. I have no way to predict the future, and I know the odds of something going wrong are extremely low, but that small percentage is enough for me to say that it is NOT WORTH THE RISK. Especially when there is no doubt in my mind that if she REALLY try, without expecting something in return, she will look back a year from now and be so happy she didn't go through with it. Anyway, I can go on and on about this forever, but if anyone has any advice for me, PLEASE tell me, this issue is dominating my household right now and it hurts, scares, and frustrates me to no end. I love her with every ounce of my being and would literally stand in front of a bullet for her. I would do ANYTHING for this woman, but I will not agree to this, not at this time in the perfectly healthy condition she is in. Bariatric surgery is an amazing MEDICAL breakthrough, and for people who have a MEDICAL need for it, it is a God Send. But that is simply not the case here. One more thing I just want to say that I am very understanding of this issue, although it is not something I have experienced first hand, and I want to be clear that I mean no disrespect or insult to anyone who may be reading this. I see the struggles and I know it is very hard. I'm just in the situation I'm in, that I really don't know what to do...

I'm not and never have thrown an insult at anyone in this discussion. If you read the last sentence in my original post, I thought I made that pretty clear. When people start calling me cruel, controlling, and telling me I'm a bad husband that reminds them of how lucky they are not to have someone like me, it is offensive, so I think I am justified in saying what I have said. There's a huge difference in my values and the values of some of the people in this forum, and that is painfully obvious. I would never, under any circumstances, agree for a loved one to have any medical procedure, unless it was MEDICALLY necessary. Not because I don't want her to have what she wants. Not because I don't support her. Because there is a risk and it is simply un necessary. I know that me telling her she's beautiful doesn't make her lose weight, and I know that EVERYONE desires to have a certain physical build, but I just don't think that it is worth a risk to have a surgery that is 100% IRREVERSIBLE for those reasons. It's justs not enough for me to be convinced. As much as I understand that everyone wants to be 100% flawless and perfect, I just don't get putting your health at risk to drop weight because of physical appearance, it's just life. God did not make us perfect. I can't see it making her life any better, if I did, I would be all for it. If someone "detests" themselves because of the stigma society has put on women who aren't anorexic skinny (which by the way I think is VERY unattractive, just saying), then that person has self esteem issues and should probably talk to a counselor about that. I have many problems, flaws, and imperfections of my own. Do I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them all disappear? YES. Is it something I feel I want SO bad that I'd risk my own health for? NO. That's how I feel, idk any other way to put it really. I guess another thing I don't get is why would a girl in the prime of her life, who seemingly has everything a girl could want, even consider taking a risk like that? What is her ultimate goal? If she doesn't feel so great about herself, does that mean that she is only with me because she feels she can't get any better? I'm a pretty direct and straightforward guy, and I'll say this much. I literally give EVERYTHING to my wife. There is nothing more I can possibly do to be a better husband. When we met, I had a VERY high paying job, in the oilfield, but it required a great deal of travel. What did I do? Quit that job, started waiting tables so that I could go to school. Why? So I could be with her. That was the first of many major life changes I made only because I wanted to have a good relationship with her. If I am not making her happy, then maybe you people are right, maybe she is just better off without me. If that's the case, then I'd rather her leave me and go off and do what makes her happy. I don't want to be without her but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't consider me the best man on earth, like I do for her. This issue is much deeper than many of you can even comprehend, and honestly I am a little shocked at the shallowness of SOME people in here. I feel the way I do for a reason, and if you were in my shoes, I highly doubt you would feel any different. Unless of course you were more concerned with what others think of you and your family then your own personal wants, needs, and values.

Circa, She told me these exact words last night. "It's something I've always wanted, to be thinner, to feel better about myself, to be able to buy whatever clothes I want and to feel pretty when I take pictures.". I'm sorry, but everyone is entitled to whatever standards they want to hold themselves and their family to. For me, that does not warrant surgery, and as much as I love her, I'd have to say that I think she is looking for an easy out. She had bloodwork done a few months ago she is perfectly healthy. Why risk that? She has EVERYTHING a girl could possibly want....I just don't get it....I have everything I want and I don't want to lose ANY of it. We are pretty much not even on speaking terms because of this, I told her I will do anything for her, but I won't do this until I AGREE that it is best for OUR family. The thing is, if she would just do what I am asking her to do, something she'd have to do ANYWAY, I highly doubt that she will keep gaining weight. If I am wrong, THEN and only then would I even consider a surgery, and that would be because I am concerned for her health, NOT because she's "not thin enough" for me. We don't have kids btw, in case anyone was wondering.

Good question. What did I expect? I definitely expected just a tad bit more sympathy than this, but narrow mindedness seems to be the way of the world these days. Such a cruel husband I am that I want the best for my wife. To answer the question that I've been asked several times, idk how much my wife weighs, idk what her BMI is, because she refuses to step on a scale. If I had to guess I'd say she's roughly 50 to 75lbs overweight, given her height, according to the chart on this link: http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm Insurance qualifications do not matter here because the doctor is her best friends husband, and it's in Mexico, so American processes do not apply here. I'm not mad at the few of you who have called me cruel and controlling, it just shows your complete ignorance, narrow mindedness, and the fact that you did not pay even the slightest attention to what I said in my post, especially the part when I said I spent 3 hours crying like a little baby last night because I can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to my wife, especially for something that is not an ABSOLUTE necessity at this time. Such an a-hole I am for that. Let me ask you this, especially all of you who keep saying "this is about her, and her only, it is HER decision and has nothing to do with you"...who will be the one to see her suffering if her body does not take well to the surgery? Who will be the one who has to deal with the depression, the extra physical, mental, emotional, and financial stress of caring for someone whose health is compromised? How do you think I would feel to see that knowing it was all because she didn't feel attractive enough, when I tell her EVERY SINGLE DAY she's the most beautiful lady I have ever seen? Do I really need to defend myself by posting examples of stories I have read about WLS not going so well? Or do I need to mention that the employer of one of my best friends recently DIED due to complications from a gastric sleeve? He didn't die during surgery, he went through a few months of agony first, but in the end, he is gone forever leaving a wife to care for 2 young children by herself. Well if that means nothing to you then you are even more shallow than I thought, but regardless of what an ignorant FOLLOWER thinks, this decision is something that WILL affect me so IT IS.....my business too.... I have made TONS of sacrifices for my wife and will gladly make many more because I love her more than life itself. I have done my research...buddy, I look at the both sides of every coin. I personally know the doctor and his family, I have heard countless success stories. Does that completely overwrite the not so successful stories? Maybe to you, but you are not me, and you are not my family. I told my wife tonight that if she wants my support, she needs to give me a reason to see it her way. If I see that she has TRULY tried everything, and given it 100%, but it is just not working and she just keeps gaining more and more weight, then I will be much more open to this idea. As far as I'm concerned, it takes 6 months at minimum of living a healthy lifestyle to say you have truly tried. That means every day. Weekends. Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas. Doesn't matter. Health is the most important thing to me and I could care less what anyone else thinks about that, you do whatever you want to yourself, but some of you should really just stop talking....really to put it nicely, you're an ignorant fool (you know who you are). The FACT is, I have not seen this commitment from her yet, and until I do, I don't feel that this is the best decision for the health and well being of my family so I am NOT just going to smile and go along with it when we are talking about something so serious. In response to the bashing I received for mentioning her sisters, that is only because she has tried to use that as a reason to convince me that no matter what, she'll keep putting on weight. I am pretty much convinced that this is just not true, and until I see it for myself, I will not feel any differently. That is not my choice the feeling comes from my heart. For the record, I have tried in every way I know to express my concerns to her, I have told her countless reasons why I don't think this is a good idea AT THIS TIME, but nothing seems to sink in, it is simply a lack of motivation from what I see....bash me all you want, call me every name in the book, but there is simply nothing I can do about it, facts are facts and I can only base my decisions on things that I KNOW to be true. I am not doing this to be cruel and controlling, I am doing this because I care about my family and well, if that makes me a bad husband, then I guess I am just a bad husband. If a "good" husband is one who just says "ok" to everything, so he's not "the bad guy", well then I don't want to be a good husband.

When you VERY VERY VERY VERY close minded people have your mind made up, nothing I say will make any difference, unless I just lie and say what you want to hear. I am with my wife for the person she is on the inside. YES I want her to lose weight. She was much thinner when we met and looked great, but I, unlike the rest of you obviously VERY shallow people still think she is just as beautiful as the day I met her, as INSANE as that may sound. I love her no matter what, but since you people have warranted my OPINION, as well as INSULTED me beyond belief I will give you an unfiltered overview of how I feel about WLS. It is a MEDICAL procedure, it is A GOD SEND for someone whose health is IN DANGER. For someone who only needs to lose 40 or 50 lbs, it is an unnecessary risk, and call me every name in the book I really don't care because you people have already insulted my family and my very reason for loving my wife, but when I see someone take a risk like that only to lose a little weight, because they were not physically active, didn't watch what they ate, I do not feel "proud" of those people. If my wife made a few changes in her lifestyle, and I mean REAL changes, not only for a month or so, and still didn't lose the weight, I would still see her just as beautiful as I always have. Our health is the more precious thing we have and playing around with something so vital should not be taken so lightly, REGARDLESS of how good of a marketing ploy these doctors distribute. On that note, I obviously came to the wrong place, GOODBYE.

Ok Mater, That is disrespectful and insulting. No. That is not what I am worried about. My wife is in love with me, regardless of what her weight is. If you are suggesting my wife is only with me because she has a low self esteem and doesn't think she can get any better, I am glad you are saying that through an internet forum because it is an insult and just like any human being, I don't take well to being insulted. Not to mention if I wanted a girl only because of her size, I could have gotten plenty of "skinny" girls, but I chose her. I will say this one more time, and then I am done with this conversation. My wife is healthy, happy, beautiful and intelligent. She is not physically active and does not watch what she eats. If she did, and was still gaining weight, then maybe I would feel different. I am only concerned about the health and well being of my family, and I'm sorry but if I don't feel that a SURGERY is necessary, I simply can not just "pretent" and go along with it. Furthermore, I am a very confident, attractive, and SUPPORTIVE person, sorry I came to this forum because although some of you may not be close minded, rather just misunderstanding of what I am saying, there are definitely some EXTREMELY close minded people involved in this conversation.

Thanks for your advice, but I am pretty sure you are misunderstanding me. I am not "comparing" her to anyone. Just because I tell you a few things about other people I know doesn't mean I am "comparing" her to them. Also, I always look at BOTH sides of EVERY coin, weigh the pros with the cons before I make any decision. Also, as someone mentioned that I am not being supportive, that is far from true, I support her in everything, and also, any decision my wife makes DOES affect me, and it isn't ONLY about her....as it would be if the situation were reversed. I am not only looking at negatives when I first was told about this surgery (by the doctor himself), I said "wow...that is amazing!", then I started reading about the success stories, and was even more convinced. But as I said, I look at the both sides of every coin, and, well, as far as I am concerned, it is an unnecessary risk, and I just don't feel that it is the only option, and I do not feel it is what's best for my FAMILY. If that makes me unfair, well I guess I'm just unfair, but as of yet I haven't heard anything convincing enough, when looking at the pros AND cons, to change the way I feel.