happym

I'm 34 years old and have been overweight since I was in my early 20's.The only time I ever lost weight was when I went on the atkins diet while I was on phen fen at the same time and of course once I stopped that I gained all the weight back. My heaviest has been 298. I'm 290 now. I have always tried not to hit 300 like that was some kind of personal accomplishment or something. I guess in some weird way it was or maybe I just happened to maintain my weight under 300 on accident. I work very hard as a Manager in Job Corps where I work with at risk youth ages 16 to 24. I don't have time to eat during the day so when I get home and on the weekends I overeat like I'm making up for lost time with food. Also I'm really stressed out so I use food for everything. It's my addiction. My husband and I have had custody of my 15 year old god daughter for over a 1 year now. Her mother is addicted to prescription drugs, which used to be crack and cocaine. My god daughter has seen more in her life than more adults. The hardest part is that at first she wanted out of that environment and hated her mother for never being there for here but now she wants to move back home. The social worker tells us that she's going to recommend that we get full custody of her in Aug. 2011 (our next court date) but not sure I want this responsibility. I know this sounds selfish but it's really hard to love a child that you know doesn't even want to live with you but would rather live with her drug addicted mother. I have a Psychology degree and it's not like I can't figure this out or not that I don't know that she will always seek her mother's approval and love her but it's still hard and my job well..... wow it's crazy stressful. My husband is a wonderful man and I couldn't ask for better. We have been married for 3 years now and I'm getting sleeved so that I feel healthier and will start living life. I hide from life, from the outside world. This is very difficult for my husband because he thinks that I am beautiful and wants to show me off but I just feel like a fat worthless person. Because of this we almost got divorced a year ago. When we were trying to figure things out we found out that I was bi-polar not just depressed like I was diagnosed as in my teens. This diagnosis and correct medication has helped a lot and now we have a great marriage but I always feel stressed and overwhelmed by life. My weight is just the core of it- it does and doesn't define who I am. I'm going to stop rambling now because I'm sure no one is going to read this but in case you do... Thanks for listening!!