Globetrotter

How long has it been now since your Mom passed? It is going to be three years this Christmas for my Father, and I think I was ready to be accepting if my Mom found someone, about a year and a half ago.

He got engaged?!??? How old is he? How incredibly lovely!!!!

Hey guys, checking in - Dr. had nothing worthwhile to say and referred me to a gastro, who has yet to call me to make an appointment. yesterday I ate some pumpkin seeds, a few mouthfuls of yogurt, a couple bites of plain chicken salad (vegan mayo) and a sugar cookie. Apparently my body does not differentiate between low calorie overall and low carb.

I have a Dr.'s appt tomorrow, so perhaps we shall see what is up. I may have been constipated from a case of severe dehydration, and my labs came back from the ER visit and indicate probably anemia. I feel ill after I eat anything and my acid doesn't seem to go away, regardless of my antacid use, and now I have diarrhea (sorry TMI). A lazy Dr will just use the catch-all of IBS, but that solves nothing.... Good news is that I did not gain any weight while in Italy. Disappointing news is that during all of this non eating I haven't lost any weight I know I am in a severe depression, despite being on the highest dose of antidepressants ever. I see no point in anything, feel no joy, have zero desire, and find no worth in myself.

I have not been to a specialist for the acid, is that a gastroenterologist? I am now taking 2 Prevacids a day and my throat is in an icy fire all morning and then in the evening. My abdominal pain has migrated to around the back right waist and I have nausea still.

Went to the ER last night, spent 12 hours there, they still don't know what's wrong with me. Did a CT with contrast, did a trans-vag ultrasound (oh yippee) and pumped me full of useless drugs, still in pain. I just realized, nobody tested me for Barrett's esophagus. I take a double dose these days of my antacid, and my throat is in icy fire pain all day

I went to the urgent care - what an effing waste of time and money!!!! He ignores all the facts he's given and because he finds bacteria in my urine sample, decides I have a UTI and my symptoms are just referred pain and here, take this antibiotic and you're fine!!! WTFWTFWTF!!!!!!!!!

No, I haven't been to the doctor, and I also don't have a gallbladder - had it taken out almost 3 years ago. I l prodded my belly last night, my right ribline, and found a piece that clicked in and out of place, like a tile piece. It didn't hurt to manipulate it and I snapped it back and forth for awhile. This morning I woke up feeling great! No rhythmic pinching pain, no nausea... I have maybe a little sore spot but that's it! I think I fixed it! I looked it up and apparently there is a thing called floating rib syndrome, where that floating rib gets out of place and sometimes has to be fixed with surgery but I think I snapped it back into place!

Colicky RUQ pain, midline right ribs. Pressing helps. Lack of appetite, gassy, this morning nausea that had me dry heaving during my shower. Bowel movements seem alright. This has been going on for two weeks, the nausea is new.

When I came back from Afghanistan I was 159 lbs, the best I've achieved post-op, and only then did I almost begin to see the glimmer of a body that I could feel proud of and confident in, and even then I was angry at my overhanging bulgy pudenda. I have that pain in my back still, I have a corresponding pain in the middle of my right side ribcage now, persistent. I have no appetite and feel constipated but don't think I am. I pretty much just drink coffee and eat a couple of bites of food when I get home, before collapsing in bed. Yesterday I drank several coffees, ate a small biscotto, and a few bites of salad. Without love, life has no meaning or purpose. I realize I am a slave to my chemistry, whatever enzymes or hormones or chemicals washing over my brain, there is no "true" emotion, it is all a result of the chemical cocktail bathing your brain atm. I am on an outstanding amount of vitamin D, as well as B, as well as an anti-depressant, and I still feel totally hopeless and fatalistic.

yesterday I drank coffee and tea, and ate some salmon salad and panforte. Today I am drinking coffee, ate 1 small biscotto, and will probably not eat dinner. No, I am not doing this on purpose, but for some reason the idea of cooking food depresses me. I threw my back out 10 days ago and although the immediate pain went away after 2 days, there are aggravation points, the most disturbing one being on my spine, bottom third, on the right. I had a massage Saturday and, while wonderful, did not make it go away. Everything aches. I hate my fat saggy floppiness so much that I just want to punch it (don't worry, I don't). Men don't want relationships with me beyond that of FWB. They see me as just one dimensional, a f*** toy. If I could just drink coffee all day, and not eat, I would. I just don't want to eat.

Here I am! Someone asked if I had a good time on the trip and the answer is more complicated than is reasonable to expect... The difference between a cranky toddler and a cranky senior citizen is that you can pick up the toddler and forcibly put them to bed or reprimand them ( I said CAN, not that you SHOULD). One really cannot do these things with a physically capable, mentally capable adult. So, if anyone out there has ever attempted to go on a trip with a toddler, that is how it was. You know better than the toddler, but they don't accept that. You know how things work, but the toddler wants to do it herself, making a mess and wasting time and getting frustrated and ending up in a screaming fit.... The toddler thinks they can go all day and stay up late but they really can't.... However! It was also like taking the 7 yr old child to Disneyland for the very first time... seeing their face Christmas morning when they still totally believe in Santa... taking a child who has only known the desert, to the ocean for the first time.... I finally appreciated why parents will sacrifice money and have a miserable time themselves, to make a child happy because the wonder on their face, the feelings you know they are feeling, are totally worth it. So, did I have a good time? No. Did I have a good time? Yes. My favorite moments include: Getting situated on our first plane, buckled in, bags arranged, checking out our individual monitors, and my Mom suddenly realizing we were going to spend the majority of our flight OVER WATER, crossing an ocean! It really seemed like this hadn't occurred to her before! Waking up the first morning at like 5am with the church bells, sniffing the bread baking at the nearby bakery... Turning into the Piazz della Signoria for the very first time and seeing simultaneously, the first of the massive sculptures in front of the Palazzo Vecchio and my Mothers awestruck face... Our early morning walk to the Palazzo Pitti, before anything was open and the cobblestone streets were shining from the night's rain and we popped into a glowing little cafe for our morning cappucinni... Sitting alone at Cafe Rivoire, on the Piazza della Signoria, sipping my mocha, journaling, and just listening and watching and smelling... The first morning we were back in Seattle, we woke up at 5am and missed our coffees, and watched videos on youtube of how the real pros make a cappuccino, and how the winners of the international competitions do it, and it made us want one so badly that we got up got dressed and went in search of one My eating is completely inside out and upside down; I drink a couple of coffees a day, and then eat half an apple and some cheese for dinner, or a single slice of veggie GF pizza, or the insides of a burrito, or some ground beef and spaghetti sauce. I haven't really cooked since coming back, and haven't been tracking and haven't been weighing. I'm afraid to weigh, obviously, and I'm sullen over my severe pre-vacation efforts going SO unrewarded... I am on my work computer but when I am on my own at home I will upload some pics from the trip

Back from vacay, not even going to weigh myself till next week. Didn't eat pizza or pasta or drink wine, don't even remember really eating anything, just drinking a lot of coffee, lol. Lampredotto, mushrooms, a few bites of my Mother's panino, affogato, cappuccino, we cooked for ourselves - sardines and greens, and had a glass of champagne the last night. But mostly it was a cappuccino in the morning, lots of walking, another coffee at midday with a shared pastry, a ton more walking, and then some salad or nothing for dinner. Seriously, I cannot remember eating a real meal except for the very first night we arrived - sauteed porcinis and peas and prociutto. So, going to have to detox from the sugar in those cappuccini, and the lovely carbs in those morning cornetti.

My Mom and I leave tomorrow for ITALY! I have SO much work to do and errands to run and things to accomplish between now and then, aack! I've already learned how to ask for a coffee, grilled fish, and "no thank you", among other essentials . I know where the grocery is so I can buy the basic foods I need, and I am taking individual sweetener packets of stevia, so I don't have to use the beet sugar offered at the coffee bar. SOEXCITED!!!! I'm going to eat like a continental European woman; black coffee and a tiny piece of meat

16 pounds, four months, A pound a week. Yeah yeah, I know I'm supposed to be grateful, but considering how I eat, this is bull$h!t