Globetrotter

Now that I am dancing again and, because when I was at my lowest weight in Afghanistan I was also lifting weights like a beast, my horror and anger and humiliation over the weight gain isn't solely from a place of self-loathing because I gained. Like you Cheryl, I recognize that regain and the struggle and the quest are all part of our being sleevers, but gaining so much so swiftly because of depression after having been so incredibly fit and strong, the difference is remarkable and I feel like a walrus on dry land. Guess what I had for dinner last night? A piece of bacon. One.

Cathy, your words are beautiful and go right to my heart like a hug, thank you!!

that article was about someone with a roux-n-y surgery, and I can technically still eat, but yikes!!!! I am so utterly ashamed and depressed about the regain, this isn't a few pounds over bounce .... V_V.

I don't experience hunger either, it is one of those things that never came back for me after surgery, physically speaking feeling ill (dizzy or nauseous or irritable) are the way I know my body wants sustenance. My things arrived from Afghanistan the other day, one of the items is my digital scale. I popped some fresh batteries in it and stepped on. My shame is so huge I don't want to share but I have to .... forty pounds. According to the scale I am 37 pounds heavier than at my lowest at the start of April. So, I have gained forty pounds in 6 months. Correction, I have gained BACK the forty pounds that I lost last year, from October to March (5 months). This is an awful cycle and I don't want it to become a tradition - lose the same pounds every fall and winter, only to regain them every spring and summer, that's Funcked up!! I was doing so SO well, SO WELL!! I should have been to ultimate goal by now, including plastics!! It's so embarrassing, so humiliating. But, Denise, you were right, I DO know how to lose it, and what is required and as much as these are "dirty words", it is going to take some discipline and some self-control and a DIET. It took 3 months to take off these pounds before (I lost a month and a half because my approach was all wrong and I was exercising and eating wrongly etc). So, my New Year's resolution starts now: I vow to make the greatest effort I can, toward achieving the goal of losing this regain by Christmas. This time, I understand my body so much better than I ever did, I understand that I cannot get strong and fit at the same time as lose weight, that is just not how my body chooses to work. So, this time, I am going to only focus on my diet FIRST, get to goal, and THEN focus on fitness. It isn't the cookie-cutter model we have been forced to accept as the only truth for every body, but it is the truth of my body.

CherylJane I think you have the same chemical reaction to carbohydrates that I do, wherein they actually modulate your mood. So, we have to find ways to give ourselves these chemicals without stuffing our faces with baguettes... So, something weird is happening; I mentioned this earlier, how I am having restriction all day everyday, without actually eating OR drinking anything. On the one hand yay because making calorie goal is suddenly easy, on the other hand this isn't good! This morning I had a 3inx1inx1/2in piece of coconut flour paleo bread with a smear of salted butter and a smear of marmalade. It has taken me almost two hours to eat this one piece and I still have a third of it left on the plate and I feel so awful, just like when we were post-ops and you would eat two bites of scrambled egg and then you would feel that horrible sensation..... and I'm not able to get down the liquids either, because of the same sensation. A tiny sip and I just don't WANT TO DRINK ANY MORE, you remember that feeling, post-op. So, what is going on? Is it psychological? Is it physiological? Remember, I am four years out. PS - it isn't the coconut flour paleo loaf's fault, this has been going on now for about four days.

I know, it would be great to dance with you! I had about 600 cals for the past 3 days, today it was less than 500 but it isn't because of some newfound strength or motivation, it is because for some reason I eat one bite and I feel like a post-op. I also haven't been able to drink enough water, I've been dehydrated, because I cannot force enough water down. :/ Today I made a paleo loaf from coconut flour; cashew butter, egg yolks, whipped egg whites, baking soda, salt, coconut flour. The end result is very light, like a merengue, but full of protein. I had one slice and feel like a post-op who made a big mistake... that and a half a hamburger is all I've had today.

Well I just got a nasty wake up call - when I came back from Afghanistan I went shopping with my best friend, for some real clothes, Coldwater Creek was going out of business and they had these amazing jeans at like 70% off. I bought two pair, one a high rise snug pair that could almost be called a skinny jean, and the other a straight leg with a slightly more relaxed fit. Well, this morning I tried on the skinny jeans and ... couldn't even begin to get the buttoned. Yep, I laid down on the bed, exhaled, and attempted to button them and couldn't even begin to get the across my stomach, to the point where it was painful on internal organs. When I bought them they were snug but in the way they are supposed to be because that is the fit. So, yeah... even without weighing myself, I would say I am easily 20 lbs heavier then when I left Afghanistan 5 months ago

I don't think that online dating is correlated to the way men treat/perceive me... And all three relationships that I have had have resulted from online dating, one remains a dear dear friend, the other ... doesn't, and the current one, well, I care for a great deal and do not know the future. I NEED A JOBBB! My anxiety is to the point where breathing deeply is difficult. Also, I have a friend's wedding coming up and without money I will not be able to attend, which is ironic because this friend is someone I loaned a considerable amount of money to, back when I had it to give. I just want to be worthwhile, to have worth, to have a point, to feel joy and desire again... Today's food so far, pumpkin puree, raw coconut, chickpeas.

Oh god, Cheryl, you just described the way people have described what it is like to talk to me! I have always used my vocabulary as a first line of defense. On dates I have worn everything from frayed button down and jeans with my hair in a kerchief, to Mad Men sleek sheath dress with Jimmy Choo pumps. No makeup and tired to full glam flawless. They are never interested in me the person and they almost never come back for more. There is an exception to this of course... there is someone that ... I don't want to be in love with. We had only two weeks together before he left for OCS (Officer Candidate School). He showed me greater respect, caring, consideration, acceptance, kindness and desire than I have ever experienced, ever. We are writing letters while he is gone, and I made sure to have a talk with him before he left about how I must continue to date freely and he must focus on his task. I go on these other dates, I even fool around a bit, and I feel nothing. I think of him instead. Also, I think not having a job is starting to get to me.

Cathy, they really are as delicious as they sound, the "cheese sauce" was fantastic! My Mounds balls were so decadent and a thousand times tastier than store bought. I don't know how to keep myself from being treated like a dirty little secret.

CGJ - Although I know right down the tips of my toes that you mean well and are expressing positivity, this sort of thinking is still very much in the "blame the victim" mentality. Men grab my ass? Well, cover up in loose clothing! It is "your fault" that men are grabbing your ass, that men tug at your rock n roll hair ... see where I'm going with this? Men treat me like a mistress, not a girlfriend, and (dis)respect me accordingly. Regardless of what I wear.

Oh, I love myself, I know I am sexy, but as a dancer I am just irritated as all get out by this damn junk on my body - tango shoes are merciless and it is an act of brutality to wear them for more than one set if you weigh more than 140 lbs. I am disappointingly sexy... I wish I had a better way of expressing how this feels... My giant luscious a$$, men want it so much and they don't give two sh!ts about the person it is attached to. They grab at it, even when they are told not to, they slip their hands down my pants to pet it because they just "had to", they bend right down and bite into it! I have actually come to the point where, if I want to get rid of a guy, I just let him squeeze my ass, it's practically a guarantee that they will never call me again, once they have got what they wanted v_v... made some healthified "Mounds" bars - shredded raw coconut, raw unfiltered honey, coconut oil, salt, water. Form little balls place on parchment, freeze for 15 min. Raw cacao with coconut sugar, whisked until melted, dip the coconut balls into it, then refreeze. HOLY CRAP GUYS, SO EFFING DELICIOUS!!!! More delicious than the commercial thing! And once again, because of the whole foods used, way more satisfying and filling and guilt-free!!

Denise do you know how badly I would LOVE to be 141?? I would love to be 150... However, I'm not trying to be blue today, I just had lunch and it was pretty good, it was vegan mac n cheese! I made the "cheese sauce" from almond milk, nutritional yeast, pumpkin puree, and spices. The noodles are blanched zucchini "noodles". The pumpkin puree is homemade from roasted pumpkin which is just solid nutrition and fiber and all good things, really my only calories are coming from the almond milk and the pumpkin yet I am so full and it is so yummy!!

M2G, have you ever looked up the calories burned running errands? It's more than you think, don't beat yourself up. I made paleo muffins today, pumpkin spice using coconut flour! Pumpkin puree (made mine from scratch) Coconut flour ( wow you really only need the teeniest bit), eggs, honey, salt, baking soda and the spices, that's it! I jazzed them up with a bit of shaved dark chocolate and if you really wanted to go all the way there is a frosting (greek yogurt whipped with maple syrup). All in all, it is a low glycemic, non-inflammatory, high fiber, good protein snack that I can feel good about. Also, they are so packed with real whole foods that they are incredibly filling and satisfying and keep away the "need" to mindlessly gorge. thumbs up! I got the recipe from Comfybelly, in case anyone is curious, it is a site dedicated to eating without grains, particularly wheat.

Just got back from my first salsa class and dance ... holy sheets Batman, that is a WORKOUT! Total exhaustion and the stereotypical latina A$$ is explained immediately - if this is your dance and you do it frequently, you are going to have an A$$ to make a saint waver I have tango tomorrow night though so I only stayed for two hours.

I have to fake-n-bake because of my food restrictions of the anti-inflammatory diet I need to follow. So, coconut flour is pretty much the only flour I can use, and chia seed, and avocados or coconut oil for the fat since eggs are considered a dairy (did you know that?) I started dancing a few years ago in CA, and now take classes at Century ballroom downtown, tonight is a Kizomba class - like a sexier tango, if my toilet gets fixed in time (!!!!) I will go.

Back to back is actually easier for me, perhaps because I am a "grit your teeth, get it over with, tough it out" sort of person. If I spaced out my fast days, between the days it would feel like waiting for a shoe to drop, but there is certainly no wrong way to 5:2, which I love! I was cleaning the toilet the other day, with one of those wands with a disposable scrubber on the end, and the scrubber came off and lodged itself in the toilet! I have tried using a toilet auger with no success and think it is time to call in the pros... D: I've been experimenting with coconut flour baking, making "paleo" muffins and biscuits, perhaps it is tastebuds or these particular recipes, but they just end up tasting like scrambled eggs with coconut mixed in ... :/

Today was supposed to be a fast day but I'm already at 1000 cals AND I have a date tonight! Danced tango last night for 3 hours, it was AWESOME but I am drained.

OH MY GOD COOPS, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know how long they have been putting up a wall of resistance at work, the hugest most excited congratulations from across the pond my dear!! Wish I was there with you and the girls for drinkies, tie one on for me!!!! <3 <3 <3

Georgia, you have 50 calories to play with and still be considered within an excellent fast day range, that's a small handful of almonds, or some sunflower seeds, or a half pack of hot cocoa made with water or a serving of cheddar or a dollop of greek yogurt with a few berries. I made the BEST most moist muffins EVER made in the HISTORY OF MUFFINS, and they are paleo, yes, paleo!! 5 TBS EV coconut oil 2.5 cups almond flour 2 TB coconut flour 1/4 tsp salt 2/3 tsp baking soda 3 eggs 3 oz choc chips that were dusted with corn starch or something else to keep them from sticking in your tin 20 minutes at 325. Light! MOIST! low carb! Good fats! Protein!! SATISFYING! CHOCOLATE!!!!!! 7pm and 450 cals, best I can figure anyway, it is always a little wonky when I am figuring out the calories from something homemade, I have to put down every ingredient I used and then guesstimate how much of that ingredient was in a serving :/ I will probably have a tin of sardines after tango (NOT before ) so my cals will probably be about 600ish.

fasting day today, probably about 650 cals, homemade vegetable broth, sardines, coffee with milk, and probably some greek yogurt for dessert.

Today wasn't a fast day but I still only ate 730 cals total. Interestingly, even though I ate nourishing healthful wholesome foods - scratch made pumpkin soup, greek yogurt, mushrooms, my carbs are a staggering 74g and protein a surprising 31. So, unless I make a concerted effort to get the protein in, my carbs and proteins seem to flip their amounts hmm....

less than 300 calories at 7pm!

Yes, Feed THIS ^ I feel like I am yelling in a sound proof booth on this subject: of COURSE we are going to feel hyper anxious and messed up when we tinker (5:2) with our diet, we have a DISEASE of imbalance, self-medicated over the years to achieve equilibrium. We, like ADDICTS, have been dosing ourselves. Not because there is something morally wrong with us, but because we were trying to fix our chemical misfirings without the right tools. I have discovered dry sauteeing mushrooms, then glazing them in chicken stock, simply sublime. So far, including my midnight snack last night, I am only at 697 cals, and it isn't even a fast day!

So I made it, sort of, I couldn't sleep and was still awake at 12:30, and since that is technically a new day .... yes, I had the bread. I will add it to today's calories, but I can accept that.