Globetrotter

when I was medevac'd from Germany at the end of April I tried on some Levis skinny jeans in 30petite. They fit and I only didn't buy them because they were too expensive and I wasn't confident enough in them, felt bulgy. I recently bought some Gap high rise skinnies in a 30 short. I tried them on for the first time today and no matter how much exhaling or tamping of flesh, they were stretched max to their limit with several inches between button and hole - definitive proof that I have packed on weight, and specifically in my gut and haunches. My "boyfriend" made no effort to contact me on my birthday. He will no doubt have an excuse, a reason or proof how it is somehow my fault, but this is the last straw. I will write him a paper letter, saying everything. Cheryl - hope you are leaning on your therapist right now, wish I had one.

I drink several gulps of plain Water, this is so uncomfortable for me that it puts all ideas of eating anything right out of my head, for awhile! if I still want a particular something, I find a healthy way of recreating it. For example, hot chocolate could be a calorie bomb - sugar, fat, salt, milkfat, etc. Instead, I make instant hot chocolate (organic) and use maybe a quarter of the packet, just enough to give it the taste. I use water and then a tiny splash of almond or coconut milk, again, just enough to give it the taste. I don't feel deprived, I enjoy the taste, with a tenth of the calories!

I just heard from my Mom, the state of CA wants over $10K for the tax years 2010/2011, even though I paid those taxes and have already been audited for those years. I can't fu**king take it anymore, I just can't. You win, Earth, you win, America. Since May of 2012 it has been non-stop and I just can't do it anymore. May 2012 lost my job August 2012 broke up with bf unemployed until December 2012 Dec 2012 Mother lost her job Father died 9 Jan 2013 Mar 2013 lost the house April 2013 deployed to Afghanistan April 2013 audited by IRS, told to repay $25K July 2013 diagnosed with MS Aug 2013 complex attack by insurgents, traumatized, and concussion Dec 2013 Team Leader and surrogate Father died Jan 2014 soldier I thought was good friend turns on me Feb team dissolved April 2014 medevacd July 2014 given 36 hours notice to appear in KS or be considered AWOL Aug 2014 break up with man who once claimed to love me. Aug 2014 even more money that can't be spared, demanded by CA state. August 16th, my birthday.

oh this happens to me without the caffeine - for my body, it is a reaction to any kind of chemicals/fake foods/preservatives/hormones etc. I also have mild allergic reactions to anything with flour, alcohol, white sugar, and even apples!

This happens to me when I eat something evil after a long concentrated stint of eating clean, for example, when I drink something from Starbucks, made with that f***ed up hormone laden GMOd to death "milk", I promptly break into a sweaty sweat.

Last night I was supposed to go to yoga, signed up online even, then didn't go. I got back to my hotel room, tore off my clothes, and fell into bed, at 6pm. I proceeded to binge on Downton Abbey season 3 and a peanut bar. then a sandwich. then a peach. Walking was deeply upsetting yesterday, I wove and bobbed like a drunk, only I wasn't drunk. I have cut my dose of Sertraline in half, it has been about 2 weeks now, not sure what effects I may be feeling, the above scenario has happened before, prior to the reduction.

Write a list of allllll the things that upset you within the relationship, from major to most itty bitty minor, then go down the list using reason and generosity to strike off everything you can. What you are left with are the things that are non-negotiable, then have a quiet conversation with yourself, as to WHY these things are non-negotiables, are they really him, or are they triggers for you, from your past? After that, you will be left with the truly important intractable differences, and you can bring THOSE up with him and see if he is willing to address them. Or, if you just aren't that into him, well, that's that.

yesterday I ate a roll of sushi and a sandwich. That's it. I did not exercise and I went to bed very early. I think they made a mistake when I was given a blood patch for my lumbar puncture 2.5 months ago, it has never stopped hurting since then. So far today I have eaten a lemon cucumber and a grass fed Bison cranberry bar that is gluten free, 11g protein, it unfortunately was 200 cals with 10g carbs, I should have read the packaging before eating...

Denise, I am so sorry you are going through this and I both sympathize AND empathize. The new guy sounds pretty great though. Perhaps we all need to remember that they are just humans, full of foibles and scar tissue of their own and they can't fix our fill our gaping holes left from lifetimes of obesity related trauma. I read something on FB the other day, it was a link to a journal article regarding narcissism and I recognized almost all of the markers as behavior Jack is doing to me, including phase one "lovebombing" and phase two, creation of dependance/neediness by withholding the love and actively ignoring the person. He is also an introvert and I do need to understand what the truly means and I need to respect it, BUT, I also believe there is a difference between someone who is an introvert and someone with crippling social anxiety or some other disorder. Today I had some madeleine cookies and then threw them up. I recognize that this is f**ked up.

yesterday I ate a can of Pringles and drank coffee. that was my intake for the day. Today I am having one of those days where I feel like I am about to burst through my skin, my legs woke me up in the middle of the night, wanting to run a marathon. I only heard from Jack because I contacted him first. I said I missed him, and he said he missed me too and had wondered where I had gone. WTF, seriously?!!

Sheryl, he has THREE 18 yr old sons? Are they triplets??

Kim, I think I am going to print out and tack up your response and hopefully it will get absorbed, thank you. Sheryl, actually, the behavior you said that women don't do - are EXACTLY how I have been treated by women, from grade school through undergrad. I stopped having close female friends after that although I had good acquaintances in grad school. I had two close female colleagues, one of whom has recently mysteriously stopped communicating with me. Tango has filled the social void for me. I miss him, I miss what he promised to be, but the moment I complained that he wasn't affectionate (enough or, at all) he has never been the same. Whatever trickle of affection I got, turned off completely after I complained. I have three more weeks here, I have to stay, that represents at least 2 months rent for Seattle plus the stupid expenses here. I have this amazing hot--damn pin up girl dress that I bought for my birthday, but if I got all dolled up and then hit the town -alone- that would just crush whatever is left of my heart. The one girlfriend I had here in KS was unsupportive and we aren't speaking now - she gave me a place to stay here in KS and then one day I came back from work and my bed was on the street and my stuff shoved into a corner. When I texted her she said she had told me her new housemate was moving in. Even though we had been communicating with my new cell number, she had been sendintg these texts to my old one and she acted like it was perfectly fine and no problem that she was kicking me out at 7pm and I was homeless. Kim, as far as volunteerism, yes I can do that for sure, but I NEED money, I NEED to get paid for my efforts, ASAP.

Denise, I am currently in KS and will be here until 1 Sept. I do plan on suggesting a meet-up with Jack in Portland, if only to do the right thing and break up in person. Sheryl, I was on Buspar prior to Sertraline and that was way worse, I was just numb. I was a competitive swimmer in my youth and yesterday I got back in the water for the first time in 17 years. I expected to feel this ... joy, this sense memory of freedom and strength and confidence... I felt none of those things. I felt uncertain, embarrassed at my skill level, pressured, and anxious. The only time I felt happy was when I finished and took off my cap and goggles and dunked, a ritual I adored when I was younger after an intense practice. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I see. Yes, I technically recognize my face, I haven't yet reached THAT level of confusion, but it means nothing to me. I see myself and feel nothing. Not delight in my beauty, not a groan over a pimple, nothing. I have no appetite, yet am eating too much of the wrong food. Yesterday I ate nothing all day and then for dinner I ate a turkey sandwich and an organic ice cream sandwich, at midnight I ate the same again. This has been my rhythm this week, eat nothing all day, then eat a couple of slices of baguette with tomatoes or toast with butter. My birthday is next weekend and I doubt I will hear from Jack. If this were the Middle Ages I would be dead by now, now I'm just approaching middle age. I feel unaccomplished, stagnant, worthless and worse, I feel pointless. Yesterday I had a phone interview with a dream job and I was thrilled. Then she mentions that the job is in Anchorage, as in, Anchorage Alaska. Apparently someone in the office made a mistake and put that I was available for Alaska. crushed. I am perfectly fine with my sensuous voluptuous size and shape, but the floppity flab crushes my spirit. Yes, muscle tone makes a godzilla-sized difference and I desperately want to get back to lifting but even at my most intense lifting and weight loss back in March, I still had to wear a full bodysuit spanx and tunic length shirts. This morning I had a small handful of raw almonds and a small gala apple, for lunch I am having an organic protein shake (water). For dinner in all honesty, I will likely have another turkey sandwich or a sandwich salad (all the sandwich fixings no bread) and an ice cream sandwich. I don't want the ice cream, I really genuinely don't, but I will eat it anyway v_v. What do I want. I want to be strong, in body, in heart, in mind, in soul. I want to be admired and loved and respected. I want others to enjoy spending time with me. I want to advocate for those who are voiceless and I want to get paid well for doing so (since we are wishing aloud here...), I want to get my doctorate without having to go through a circus of prerequisites, I want a really great protein shake made with almond milk and a raw donut from those great raw cuisine recipes I found. I want to wear the amazing Prada shooties I got for a steal from ebay.

Sheryl, girlfriends? Look around you, this is it. I have never really had girlfriends, I have malefriends. I have told all of this, all of my frustrations, my fears, my love to Jack, and the response I get is aggrieved, put upon, put out, pained. Yesterday I ate a turkey sandwich. the end.

Is there anything out there that doesn't turn a person into a sexual turnip?

Denise, I almost feel like you and I are dating the same man, 30 years apart... except for the dancing, the minute Jack found out that tango is important to me he immediately signed up for lessons and hasn't missed a class since we've been together (except for when he was visiting me). I want him to be the one, but that is not the same as him actually being the one, is it... Why do I always end up with men who are with me begrudgingly? For whom I seem to be a chore? My feelings of worth and self-pride are epically low right now... I am on Sertraline (Zoloft), have been for 9 months, but am concerned about it flatlining all of my emotions, does anyone have any opinions on Lexapro instead? I went to tango last night, and it didn't make me happy. I didn't enjoy myself on the dance floor, I felt like it was a punishment to the men to have to dance with me, and before you all say how that is all in my mind, I caught a friend making a guy come ask me to dance! I think, if Jack and I had been in the same city, still having met online though, I don't know that we would have done more than gone out a few times, and once he had sex with me, I probably wouldn't have really heard from him, he would have "ghosted" me as the kids say these days, sort of like he is doing now....

Sheryl, he hasn't moved to Seattle with me, he is still in Eugene OR.

yesterday I ate a protein shake (water) and an entire baguette with some european salted butter and 2 slices of lunch meat. if I do not talk first, we will sit in silence all day. If I do not reach out, I do not get touched. this is the situation with my boyfriend. Being far away from each other, it confuses me that he is not staying in touch with me, communicating with me. When we are with each other in person, he never wants to have sex, even uses the old I have a headache excuse! and if I ever ask for something or suggest something or have a GD opinion on something during sex, he acts aggrieved and put upon. help.

yesterday I ate a baguette and some yogurt. Today I ate a protein shake (milk), coffee, an almond snickers, a bag of pretzel M&Ms. I had to actively stop myself from sticking a finger down my throat and bringing up that candy.

Didn't hear from the boyfriend all day, even though I could see when he was on facebook. Yesterday I ate some toast with butter and an ounce of chicken, today I ate a protein shake (water) and two bites of a miner's pasty.

Had a terrible awful fight with my boyfriend today, I think we broke up.

Sheryl, thank you for the positivity, for sure! In one way it almost made me feel worse though, lol! I am NOT 60, or anywhere remotely near 60, like your skinny teeny tiny friend and, I suspect, that most of those friends are probably older than me as well. At 32, "age related progression" just sounds like .... well, it just sounds hideously wrong. Also, this weight is unusually placed for me; I still have a distinct hourglass shape from the front, and nothing else looks bigger, but from my breastbone to my pelvis it is a perfect ). And this has only suddenly happened, in the last 2 months, so I am wondering if this is redistribution from rapid regain, perhaps a result of my messed up metabolism...? Yesterday I had tea, half a protein shake, the blue diamond almonds, several 1 inch rounds of bruschetta, salad with crumbled elk, a tiny bunch of tiny champagne grapes and in the middle of the night ................ a bowl of (disgusting) honey nut cheerios. they should be called depressios. Today so far, tea, and two bites of milk chocolate. I'll have a protein shake for late lunch and probably salad with roast chicken for dinner and if I'm being honest, probably some champagne grapes or cherries for dessert. I went to a yoga class last night, the first kind of exercise I've done in months. it was nice.

Got a rude awakening today, saw a photo that was taken of me Monday night at a tango event. I wore a pretty and (I thought) flattering dress, with full body shapewear underneath. the photo was a full body profile, mid-dance. I look PREGNANT. I'm not pregnant. The shameful sh*tty eating I have done for the past 2.5 months have resulted in belly gain, it would appear. Especially when I look at that photo side by side with the one I use here for my profile pic. both photos are taken from the same side so it is especially noticeable. I'm horrified. I have an IUD but peed on a stick, just to be sure, and I am not pregnant but all of the weight is in my stomach, wtf? I don't drink. I am now sleeping on another friend's couch because the other friend has a new housemate moving in - and diidn't tell me! So last night I came home to discover the bed MISSING and my stuff moved and was suddenly homeless! I have the skype interview saturday, if they don't offer me at least $40k (a fraction of what I make now) then I won't take it, even as a stopgap. Anyone know of a treatment for a bulging disc?

Swizz, how I empathize. All of my clothes are too tight, I feel like even my skin is too tight, like I must look like the Michelin Man... I don't want to eat but I do, and then I overeat, trying to feel comfort, but the comfort (however false) just isn't there anymore. All any of us can do is hope that one day (soon!) we will become sick and tired of being so sick and tired, and do something about it. Be gentle and kind and loving to ourselves, remember the many ways to find comfort and solace that aren't at the bottom of the cookie jar. I had a phone interview today and will have a follow-up skype interview Saturday. The job sounds interesting but they are offering a ridiculously low salary for a ridiculously high work load - $25K a year for 60-80 hrs a week! Preposterous. The kind of commitment and energy they are asking for requires three times that amount, just to reach the level of not insulting... Does anyone have any ideas about leveraging a job? If this insulting salary job wants me, could I use it to quit this job and get back to Seattle, and then quit the insulting job the second I get a good one? I would like advice please. Today's food: Syntrax Nectar Cappucino protein shake, girls - this is really delish!!!! I made it with water and a splash of coconut/almond milk. a serving of blue diamond butter toffee almonds salad: greens, chevre, heirloom tomato, broiled chicken, cucumber, basil Dinner will probably be more of that salad and maybe some sardines in olive oil. I miss my boyfriend, I just need his touch and I can't replace that with food.

Kim, I am glad that you got to be with your Mom when she passed, I wish I - or someone - had been with my Father, it still hurts that he was alone... I am at "work" writing this, yesterday I read a novel, today I knitted till I ran out of yarn. wtf. I have been eating like crap, even though I know it causes me damage, moreso than just the scale, due to my condition. I liken it to the diabetic who is about to have a foot amputated yet is still stuffing doughnuts.... Trying to find positivity in the muck, some highlights are getting to see friends, getting to dance with my old tango people, going to my favorite yarn shop, and having an office schedule is incredibly helpful in controlling my eating. Fasting is almost easy when I have an office to do it in. So far I've had coffee, protein shake, low-fat milk, and a serving of almonds. I hope dinner will be some rotisserie chicken on a green salad and maybe dessert will be some cherries. That will probably put me well over a fasting amount of cals but considering what I have BEEN eating (oh the embarassment!) this will be a step in the right direction!