Globetrotter

Oh god, it is about 9:00 and it is taking everything in my power not to do a nosedive into some bread and butter I have, and I just can't bring myself to throw away a perfectly good loaf of bread I'm at 629 cals/19 carbs/45 protein, it is clear to me now that, without protein powder, I cannot make protein goal while keeping under a certain cal point. I WANT TO EAT THAT LOAF.

It is nearly 7pm on the west coast, the witching hour, when warm food smells start wafting through the air, tempting. So far I have had 399 cals/31protein/19 carbs and not nearly enough liquids, maybe 20 ounces now that I think about it! crap! I am going to put the kettle on right now... okay, kettle is on, with 40 ounces in it! So, I can tell that there is a MASSIVE difference in my mood and emotions without the self-medication through carbs, quite serious! I am not a psychiatrist but I would call myself manic today; highly irritable one minute, weeping the next second, flitting from one task to another, and my skin is crawling! My solid food today is a salad with homemade basil vinaigrette, smoked salmon, and probably some beef marrow later for the satiation from the rich fat. Also, maybe some of my "cocoa water" before bed. That will probably bring my cal count to about 650, I am less concerned with overall cal count then I am of carb count, I would like to keep them under 40. Swizz, I utterly feel your pain. My sleeve sister, I feel you. When I went to Germany I was the smallest I have been and bought the loveliest clothes. They do not fit me now. I have gone to Goodwill, and with averted eyes, bought things in sizes that break my heart. Suffice it to say, your "shame" size of a 10 was my triumph size so .... Chimera - is there any literature out there you would recommend for disordered eating? I know this is a safe place for me to be honest, you guys will get it - with so much of my life frightening and unknown and dangerous, my food is the ONE thing I can control, and so for probably all the wrong reasons, 5:2 is bringing me comfort right now... I would love to hear from Brown, if you are reading this Brown but don't want to talk right now, know that you are an incredible resilient woman whom we admire <3 check this out y'all.... http://www.upworthy.com/the-mirror-that-changes-the-way-women-look-at-themselves-for-the-better?g=2&c=ufb1

"First, say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do." -Epictetus This has been my mantra for well over a decade and it comes in handy once again! I did not weigh myself this morning because my scale has not arrived from Afghanistan yet, a blessing really because if I faced the numbers that I am sure it would show, I would crumble under the weight (npi) of shame and guilt and I am SO OVER THIS CATEGORY OF SH!++Y EMOTIONS. That isn't to say I am not struggling with other emotions right now, chief of which seems to be a growing social anxiety which is completely foreign to me and quite upsetting.... At any rate, today WILL be my fasting day, I like doing a Monday, it feels like "start as you mean to go on" for me. So, this morning I am taking ALL of my vitamins and having coffee; fresh ground espresso made in my super simple and stylish Italian stovetop percolator, with 1/3 cup raw goat milk and 2 packets of stevia, and some homemade chai concentrate. My fellow PNW chicks, have you tried Morning Glory Chai? I am obsessed with chai around the world and THIS is the BEST I have ever had. check it out. Okay, so, I am going to push the hot sweet liquids all day, I have found that this helps curb my appetite, and then for solid food I will have chicken heads..... No, seriously!! I bought a giant bag of CHICKEN HEADS at the farmer's market because .... stock? I might have got carried away... well, I'm going to research how to cook CHICKEN HEADS now ... good luck ladies, we can do this! The food will still be there tomorrow!!

Coops, Kath, Swizz, you are our timezone vanguard, so we look to you to start us off Monday morning! I suggest we each check in first thing (or as near as reasonable) in the morning, state our fasting calorie goal for the day, and our goal menu for the day. Then check in as often as necessary throughout the day, sound good?

Anyone know how Brown has been? SarSar we need some pics, I need to live vicariously the dream of plastics! Okay ladies, Monday the 22nd, we REBOOT, collectively! Those of us in earlier time zones can start us off with the first posts of the day, we can do this! Just remember, it is only one day, the food will still be there tomorrow! A trick I used to do in Afghanistan was to make hot chocolate water, when I needed the psychological and taste bud craving satisfied. I would boil water, then put just enough of the powdered cocoa (sugarless) to give it the taste. That way, I didn't feel deprived, and the volume of hot water filled me up! I could make a single "serving" packet last me a week! I've got a silver sheath dress that I would like to wear to a wedding in November, and a pair of high waisted black skinny jeans from the Gap that I would like to zip and button!

I roasted a chicken last night, using MtAoFC, Julia Child will never steer you wrong . Today I will make a stock from the chicken carcass and the vegetables. Here I am, drinking my morning coffee ..... Thank you Coops!! I have the loving spoon on my keys, the charm on my phone, the mug pad near my favorite seat, the lotion on my face, the tea in my cupboard! I am so SO thrilled, it made settling in so special, feeling the friendship across the pond <3

Hmm, I will be very keen to hear what your Doc has to say Sar, since I don't have a primary yet.

well f*u*ck me then... suggestions/knowledge/advice?

Okay, looking at the calendar, I propose that we do a "calling all 5:2bies" reboot that begins on the 22nd of September, which is next Monday. In case anybody needs a refresher on the outline of 5:2ing, back to the beginning.... http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/258660-your-start-date-and-start-weight-for-the-52-method/ Also, I found this ... http://www.bariatricpal.com/forum/441-mental-health-issues-for-sleevers/ Also, has anyone had issues with acid making a comeback? For four years I have been a pill-a-day (Prevacid) and suddenly this week, a few days ago, I have had such intense acid pain that I am taking 2 pills a day, one morning, one night. The acid is so intense it even gave me a blister on the roof of my mouth. Anyone had an issue similar?

It is Autumn now, and I don't know if it is a Pavlovian or sense-memory response from 18 years of new school years, but September and Autumn always feel like new beginnings and fresh starts. I propose that the admins of 5:2 reach out to all members with a quick note about new year/fresh start and why we all loved 5:2... calling all 5:2bies!! As for me, my apartment is starting to take shape, looking less like a hoarder's explosion and more like a dwelling, albeit a messy dwelling At this moment I am sitting on my couch, listening to Act II of Madame Butterfly by Puccini. I am drinking a flavored back tea (currant, caramel, rose), eating some greek yogurt with raw seed "cereal" and raspberries, and contemplating getting a cat I am about to go browsing through our protein powder forum, to see if anyone has any opinions on coffee flavored proteins ... ? I have been going on dates like it is my job (um, that doesn't sound right...) sometimes going on 3 or 4 in one day!! I have to say, this is an excellent way to get to know a new city, I make each of these dates event/location based, so that I can do some exploring with someone who knows their way around, and as an excuse to try new restaurants and cafes!! I had some seriously good raw oysters and carpaccio (protein!!) at a place called Walrus & the Carpenter, and I've discovered Stumptown coffee One of my dates it turns out is an artist professionally and has shown interest in joining me for some plein air . I am thoroughly overwhelmed by my medical bills and the newest audit (!!!!!!) from the state of CA...... but I don't want to talk about that because it just plunges me into a dark place where I can't find the door or the light.

I've started taking a concentrate of chaga mushrooms, they are an adaptogen and reduce the anxiety response... http://www.hybridherbs.co.uk/article/the-health-benefits-of-medicinal-mushrooms/

My clothes are tight too Cath, now that I am in my own home with at least the illusion of control, I am going back onto a post-op diet, to dump some cold water shock onto my system to get this jump started again! To answer your questions: Yes, I am MOST DEFINITELY in a place I want to be, Seattle WA, in the central/madison park district, I can see Lake Washington from my terrace Cheryl!! Sadly, I am not near Mum, but she came up for the holiday wknd and we had a blast, it was difficult to drop her off at the airport today v_v, we probably won't see each other again till Christmas, unless one of us wins a pot of money I don't have a paying job yet, but I remain positive I actually am okay with Jack not being on the radar, the more I learn about narcissism, and especially as my Mom reveals to me the extent to which my father abused her, the more my eyes are opened to what was beginning to happen, and I am grateful I got out when I did. I don't know how my Mom survived 37 years with my father, I just don't v_v... We (Mum & I) roasted veggies this morning - we got a great haul at the farmer's market yesterday and today roasted golden beets, yellow onion, yams, garlic, pattipan squash with olive oil and kosher salt. OMG so delish!!!! I am just plucking them right off the cookie sheet and gobbling them shamelessly Tomorrow I have to do a lot of unpleasant stuff, go to the car dealership and have them fix stuff that should have been fixed before I bought the car, go to the DMV (Jesus save me), go to the post office and collect the heaps of pkgs that are there waiting for me, make a Goodwill run, and ..... deal with bills/med ins/etc. etc. paperwork V_V This afternoon though, I am just going to listen to old music from the 20's and 30's, putter around the apartment putting stuff away from packing boxes, and nibble my veggies.

I am BACCK! and it is raining and I am thrilled. Easy to follow 5:2 since there is no food in my apartment, just tea and coffee and protein drinks Oh, and I have even more dates lined up now .

Cathy, my back went "slipop" 5 weeks ago and I am still suffering I went to this amazing sports massage therapist the other day and she released so much trauma from my body that the room was steaming with the heat pouring off of me. The muscles to the left of my spine but to the right of the shoulder blade are so sore that a deep breath hurts :/ ONE DAY LEFT, or as I like to think of it, 10 working hours . Cheryl - I have not found that to be the case, regarding men in Seattle, I use OKC as my metric and I already have like 6 dates lined up so it isn't quantity I am concerned about, and it isn't securing the first date that concerns me, it is that one taste of me seems to be more than enough and they disappear in a puff of smoke v_v I read some info on narcissists and how to recognize them and it blew my mind because so much of it was what Jack has done to me, "cultivating" me as his "source"... but, I also worry that I too may have narcissistic tendencies, because of my desire for total adoration and my willingness to use other people to get to my goals...

Cheryl - I agree, early I love you's should, for me, be a red flag, but you'd have to be made of some pretty strong stuff, stronger than me, to turn away from that... My self-esteem and self-confidence are dissolving like sugar cubes these days, what is it about sexual/romantic/flirtatious interaction with me that makes men go off physical intimacy?! v_v... My grooming and hygiene are excellent, I am generous and playful, and I know we are supposed to pretend like it isn't important or that we are ignorant of it but, I also know that I am not difficult to look at, hell, I'm really pretty. So, what the eff??? Also, I just dyed my hair red, deep deep auburn with copper lowlights, and I love it, but guess what?? Precisely two people have noticed, one of whom was a very stylish and chic gay man (counts but doesn't count you know what I mean...) I mean, seriously, HOW F*U*C*KING INVISIBLE AM I???????? I went to tango Monday night, not one person said a word about it. And just in case any of you can't remember, my hair was ash blonde level 7 with nearly platinum highlights, not to mention a solid 3 inches of silvery white roots. So I went from that, to solid rich dark auburn with coppery lowlights. one hundred and thirty five pounds gone, and I am still invisible. v_v I am attaching two pictures, one is of me with my new hair and no makeup, the other is a painting of a French princess, one of Louis XIII, "the sun king"'s daughters. Not only do we look wierdly alike, but that's the level of grey white my hair was, lol.....

Powerful stuff Cheryl... Jack did not make me feel beautiful or sexy. At first, when we would Skype each other, he would murmur lovely things about my eyes, my smile, but he never told me I was beautiful, never complimented the way I looked (I think once he might have said "you look nice"), never complimented me in bed. Being with him disintegrated my self-esteem, my self confidence, although that probably has more to do with myself then him, you aren't supposed to blame others for the way you feel about yourself .... Something happened during our camping trip to Mendocino, he was unimpressed by it, which shocked and hurt me since it is so meaningful to me. We made love the first night he arrived from OR, and then only twice more during the next two weeks he was with me. Was I more in love with the idea of him than him in reality... yeah, that is a distinct possibility. What's weird about the lack of affection is that before he flew down to meet me in San Diego, he practically made me guarantee that sex would definitely be happening, or else he wouldn't fly down..... and you know what else, he would often say, "do you know that I love you". At first I said yes, but after awhile, when I thought about it, the answer was no, how could I? Without any interest in my life or issues, without ever complimenting me or showing me physical affection, how could I know that he loved me?

Had a great date this weekend, or so I thought. Now I realize that he was a "hit and run" artist, won't answer texts and his OKC profile is gone... wtf, why do I attract narcissists? Cheryl, your bit about Stephen saying you weren't allowed to talk about bad things, that was straight out of Jack's playbook! I believe he broke up with me because, in our last chat he complained about how all my life is about lately is drama. That is so f*u*cking hurtful, it makes it sound as though I sought this out on purpose, and that I enjoy it!! I will likely never receive closure from him on that relationship, never know his truths for disappearing.

One week. One week from today will be the day I get to leave. I will go straight to the airport from work and after a layover in Utah I think, I should arrive at SeaTac around 9pm and if I splurge on a taxi I could be in bed by 10pm. And then, deal with life, there.

Coops I don't think we have an equivalent, unless it is tests that (some) schools require for high school students to pass in order to get into Advanced Placement classes. 8 days to go.

OMFG I MIGHT HAVE BEDBUGS!!! I woke up with a bunch of bites on my lower back, a drunken trail of bites from there to another bunch of bites between my shoulder blades!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take me Jesus, I'm ready.

Cathy - did I ever say thank you for your kind words and birthday wishes? If not, thank you It's a small victory but, this morning I successfully drove past both the gas station AND the two coffee huts. I did not stop and buy a caloric coffee concoction or a baked good. The next hurdle, more difficult, is the drive home and not stopping at a gas station for dirty awful snacks like chips and candy bars :/ 9 days until I return to the PNW. Then I get to deal with bills, an ex-boyfriend, the audit, unemployment, health insurance, getting a WA state driver's license, unpacking, finding a neurologist, getting my new car's tags, license etc. and, oh yeah, my diet.

Sheryl, be careful of the sexual impulse when grieving, I discovered that during moments of grief and trauma I become hypersexual and that is not healthy...

Just had my neuro-psych eval, will find out the results next week. It was a bit unsettling, how incompetent I turned out to be in some of the tests... 11 days to go

She is free, pain is for those of us still here.

Sar - I could use some positive escapism, bring on the full body shots and fashion show! I agree Georgia, I really hate platitudes. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a neuro-psychologist who will be evaluating my neurological state/standing/health. Sar - I saw a powerful upworthy video a few weeks ago, in fact I may even have posted a link here, about how pain or sorrow are what they are, there is no more or less than, we must stop competing for greater pain, suffering is suffering so do not feel that you cannot speak of your own stresses just because my life resembles the Hindenburg in Technicolor.