Jouselle

Once upon a time, I was an egg.

A few years later, I was a kid. I wasn't as big kid yet, but I saw my really big Mom, and really big aunts, and put two and two together. When I grew up, I was going to be fat.

Fast forward to High school. I was at 160 lbs. I thought this was fat. I thought this was my fate, and did my best to accept it. I didn't think I was ugly, because I still had pretty good success dating. I was a resolved and proud BBW. At the time, my younger sister wasn't far behind. I just thought it was something to be accepted. It was in our genes.

Onto College years. I was a starving artist with no car, so I got down to a nice 140 lbs. Too bad I didn't appreciate it, because I had a roommate with body image issues that rubbed off on me. In pictures, I see that I looked amazing, but I didn't feel amazing then. In fact, I was in such a bad place mentally, I had to leave college early and take medications.

Then, I moved back home from college. Yes, home to Mom's and Sister's cooking. Combining good food with different mental medications, I went up to 170. I thought, "Okay, this must be me fat now. I'm gonna be okay with this, accept it and be proud to be different."

Then, I got a job in a cubicle. The money was great, but my weight was not. I got up to 210 lbs. I was very upset. I busted past 200. But I was in a very committed relationship, which helped me accept it. My fiance was wonderful to me, and called me beautiful every day.

Notice I said fiance? That's right, a wedding was coming up. And we were both quite overweight, so we counded calories for the months leading up to the wedding. He lost 25 lbs, I lost 10, but it was something. It was just enough to make me feel beautiful again for our wedding.

The year following our wedding, things went to hell. My mental illness got incredibly worse, what I thought was just a couple stomach bugs due to stress turned out to be a full-blown permanent problem, adding more medication to my list. I went through tests after tests, and they found nothing. So they blamed my weight. Then I had another medical scare, a bump was found and they had to do a biopsy on it. And, since I missed so much work because of all the medical crap, I lost my job.

Back to my parents' house. Back to 210 lbs. Back to misery.

Then, my husband met a guy at work who had the Lap-Band surgery a year ago and lost 100 lbs. He learned that the guy was very happy, and that the same health care we had paid for it almost in full. My hubby brought this information to me and asked me if we should do this together. The only time I ever said yes faster in my life is when he proposed to me. I didn't pause, I didn't mull it over. I wanted it more than anything.

So we made our first trip to TrueResults. The people there are very nice, and very informative. Sadly, I was 2 BMI points under what qualified according to our health insurance. I had to gain 16 lbs. I thought it would be fun. I started by having an extra treat here and there. But I wasn't gaining the weight fast enough. Eventually I was eating candy and fast food every day, drinking more soda than I could stand, and I will hate Twix for the rest of my life now. But after 6 weeks, we went back, and my BMI read 40.7. I did it. But then my mother suggested we see other doctors too and learn more about things. Around this time, I started walking every day with my mother and sister.

My husband and I went to a few other doctors and found one who was less nice and harder truth. And instead of gaining weight, they want us to lose weight before the surgery. We were given a strict diet and careful directions to follow. This was good, because I ended up gaining more weight and was up to a 41 BMI.

And that is where my journey began...