joatsaint

Let the countdown begin. Weighed in at 305 or less 2 days in a row - so it's official, 305 lbs. (I don't officially call it until I've been at a weight for at least 2 days!). Weighed in at 304.8 this morning, 305.8 at 5pm., let's see if it happens two days in a row again!
 
Just a matter of days until I'm below 300 lbs - 1st time I'll be that low in almost 4 years. Hard to believe I'm losing weight. Been too many years hoping the dream would come true, and this actually happening to me are too difficult to accept as real. I keep thinking I might be in a dream or I'm being punked. I'll wake up and POOF, I'm still in my old body.
 
The thoughts of it not being real and being disappointed again keep crowding in. Don't know when I'll let myself accept the reality of being at a lower weight. Oh well, I'll just keep drifting down the river Denial. Maybe I can deny myself right into 190 lbs. :-P

Let the countdown begin. Weighed in at 305 or less 2 days in a row - so it's official, 305 lbs. (I don't officially call it until I've been at a weight for at least 2 days!). Weighed in at 304.8 this morning, 305.8 at 5pm., let's see if it happens two days in a row again!
 
Just a matter of days until I'm below 300 lbs - 1st time I'll be that low in almost 4 years. Hard to believe I'm losing weight. Been too many years hoping the dream would come true, and this actually happening to me are too difficult to accept as real. I keep thinking I might be in a dream or I'm being punked. I'll wake up and POOF, I'm still in my old body.
 
The thoughts of it not being real and being disappointed again keep crowding in. Don't know when I'll let myself accept the reality of being at a lower weight. Oh well, I'll just keep drifting down the river Denial. Maybe I can deny myself right into 190 lbs. :-P

Let the countdown begin. Weighed in at 305 or less 2 days in a row - so it's official, 305 lbs. (I don't officially call it until I've been at a weight for at least 2 days!). Weighed in at 304.8 this morning, 305.8 at 5pm., let's see if it happens two days in a row again!
 
Just a matter of days until I'm below 300 lbs - 1st time I'll be that low in almost 4 years. Hard to believe I'm losing weight. Been too many years hoping the dream would come true, and this actually happening to me are too difficult to accept as real. I keep thinking I might be in a dream or I'm being punked. I'll wake up and POOF, I'm still in my old body.
 
The thoughts of it not being real and being disappointed again keep crowding in. Don't know when I'll let myself accept the reality of being at a lower weight. Oh well, I'll just keep drifting down the river Denial. Maybe I can deny myself right into 190 lbs. :-P

Let the countdown begin. Weighed in at 305 or less 2 days in a row - so it's official, 305 lbs. (I don't officially call it until I've been at a weight for at least 2 days!). Weighed in at 304.8 this morning, 305.8 at 5pm., let's see if it happens two days in a row again!
 
Just a matter of days until I'm below 300 lbs - 1st time I'll be that low in almost 4 years. Hard to believe I'm losing weight. Been too many years hoping the dream would come true, and this actually happening to me are too difficult to accept as real. I keep thinking I might be in a dream or I'm being punked. I'll wake up and POOF, I'm still in my old body.
 
The thoughts of it not being real and being disappointed again keep crowding in. Don't know when I'll let myself accept the reality of being at a lower weight. Oh well, I'll just keep drifting down the river Denial. Maybe I can deny myself right into 190 lbs. :-P

Dealing With Stalls
 
Just be patient. I know it's frustrating when the scale doesn't move. I'm on week 11 and I've had at least 3 different weeks where the scale doesn't move for 7 days, then I'll mysteriously be down 2 - 3 pounds overnight. Your body is just acclimating to the lower calorie intake and sometimes it is holding onto every calorie, trying to replace the glycogen stores in the muscles.
 
I don't have a formula for getting the scale moving again, but I do try to mix things up to keep my body from getting used to a set pattern. I walk a little extra, up my vegetable intake, or eat low carb for a day or two to see how my body will react.
 
I was eating pistachio nuts and sunflower seeds last week and EEEEEKKKKKK! I gained 2 lbs that week. Monday I went back to basics of eating my refried beans and chicken (eating 4oz every 2 hours), this morning I've lost the extra 2 lbs plus another 1lb.
 
For the 1st time in 4 years I'm under 310lbs.

Okay, so you know how sometimes you're ambling (or sashaying) through your life when all of a sudden something comes out of left field and blindsides you and you're left sitting on your butt with cartoon tweety birds flying around your head? Yeah, that's me. I realized something today. I am legitimately scared of being skinny. Weird, isn't it? Now don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about how far I've come in 11 months. This is so NOT a complaint. Yet at the same time I realized that I'm only 30 itty bitty pounds away from my goal. I've wanted to be skinny and healthy for over a decade....and it's practically here. And I am scared out of my ever lovin' mind about that! I was talking to my mom and I made some off-hand joke about being plumptuous...and she said that I didn't qualify anymore. I wasn't 'chubby', 'thick', 'plump' or anything else. You could have knocked me over with a feather I was so surprised. I look at me and I still see a muffin top...apparently other people look at me and see someone who looks normal. I really think that 2/3 of the battle after this surgery isn't actually the weight loss...it's the mind/body disconnect that occurs. Just when I feel like I've finally gotten a handle on it, I'm hit again with how things are different. Again, this is NOT a complaint, merely an observation. I feel...well, uncomfortable isn't the right word. Perhaps uneasy? Restless? A conglomeration of all of the above words? Maybe 'growing pains' (no pun intended. Maybe I should call it 'shrinking pains'?) would be best. I'm finally coming out of my shell and slowly building the life that I want to live. At the same time there was something so easy about being able to blame my weight for the lack that I felt in my life. Now I have no security blanket and it's time to grow up and pull on my (stylishly awesome) big girl panties and kick a little butt. I feel so much is changing and I have the feeling that I'm standing on the edge of a precipice and that the next year is going to be wild, crazy, and will dramatically shift the direction of my life. Scared? Yes. Excited? HELL yes. Nervous? Well...a lady has to keep some secrets, yes? *wicked grin*

Without getting to graphic, it was monstrous. I weighed after I got off work and was over a pound lighter. I think I can punch a new notch in my belt tonight.

Without getting to graphic, it was monstrous. I weighed after I got off work and was over a pound lighter. I think I can punch a new notch in my belt tonight.

Without getting to graphic, it was monstrous. I weighed after I got off work and was over a pound lighter. I think I can punch a new notch in my belt tonight.

It's been about 10 months since my surgery and I've lost 109.5 pounds total with about 30-40 more to go. It's...strange...being on the downswing of this rather amazing journey. Looking back over everything it's crazy to see how much life has changed in less than a year. I mean, I started out at 280+ pounds and plagued with constant exhaustion of all that extra weight on a 5'5 frame. Now I'm at 171.4 and I run 3+ miles at a time, zumba, kickbox, yoga and am looking into joining a climbing club. Some of the issues over the last 10 months have been harder to deal with than others. For example, I intellectually knew that my hair was probably going to thin but actually standing in the shower with practically hunks of my hair in my hand was....emotionally hard to deal with. For all of those who are just starting this process I highly, highly HIGHLY recommend using Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair serum to help prevent loss and regrow hair. Expensive, yes, but worth it. It not only slowed the hair loss down but my hair is growing in thicker than ever!
 
Another interesting aspect to deal with has been the body/mind disconect. It's just plan weird to go into a store and have no clue where to go or what to start trying on. Your body is melting away so fast (especially in the beginning) that its shocking and you feel like your mind says one thing, the mirror says another, and your body lost 5 lbs during the 2 minutes you were trying on pants and now you have to go back into the store and find a smaller size. Fun, sure, frustrating, definitely.
 
In the beginning my weight loss was meteoric. It seemed the only thing I had to do was sneeze and I lost a pound. Once I hit 6 months, it started to slow and while that is sometimes frustrating I think it's also better mentally. I now have a chance to get to know my own body and to actually see where I'm losing weight. I measure inches lost once a month and it's been a great way to see that I'm still making progress even if the scale hasn't really moved. I basically take everything in 10 lb blocks and have little mini goals set to help keep my spirits up during stalls. Oh, and I also need to thank pneumonia. The 170's will always be The Pneumonia 10 since I pretty much zipped through them during 1 week. I finally went to the doctor thinking I had a bad ear infection/sinus infection and found out that I actually had that AND a bad case of pneumonia. Oops? While I wouldn't lie and say that I'm sorry that the 170s kinda just melted away from my fever and lack of interest in food, I would also have preferred not to have the plague. Gotta look on the bright side though, right? At least I now know why I've been so exhausted for the last week.
 
So I'm in the bottom bit of the 170s and I can actually see what my body is going to look like. I've been overweight for so long and since before puberty finally let go of me that I'm not exactly sure what my body type is. Hourglass? Lean runner physique? Pear? Delicate southern blossom? Hunchback of Notre Dame? *amused*. Yet now when I look in the mirror I can actually see the line definition of where muscle ends and the layer of chub begins. I can tell that my legs/arms/face are thinning faster than my middle and that the last 20 lbs will all be in my stomach area. My mom carries weight the same way and so it's not that big of a surprise. I have a feeling that those last 20 will be the true "Battle of the Bulge" and will be both frustrating and delightful. I'm actally rather pleased that I think I'm going to get the body type I've always secretly wanted, which is more lean runner with enough feminine curves to be interesting but not be Jessica Rabbit. Both delicate and strong.
 
My mind/body disconect has lessened over time and it's getting easier to know that this is me. That when I go out in public that people don't look at me and think "look at that fat girl". When I go to the doctors now I dont get the automatic "you are so obese you have to lose weight" talks from a doctor that is also oftentimes also overweight. (Yeah, anbody else ever notice the double standard of that?). I feel strong within myself and more confident every day. I've learned how to deal with what people say about my weight loss and how to deflect or disregard their comments. Its amazing how many people feel they have a right to comment on weight loss and tell you that it's either 'too fast to be healthy' or that 'you are turning into skin and bones and need to stop'. That last always makes me laugh because I look so thin in comparison to how I looked before, but it's still obvious that I'm carrying extra weight. My basic response to most questions on how I've managed to lose weight is that I had a "Lifeystle change". While I'm not ashamed about having had the surgery I also don't think it's every Tom, D.ick and Harry's business to know. I neither require, nor want, a casual aquiantance's judgement on my choices. And trust me, people have strong opinions one way or the other on having weight loss surgery. There are so many changes in my life that I want to make and this has helped give me the confidence to go after what I want. I want to look back in another year and be as amazed as I am now about how much life can change in a short amount of time.
 
For everyone who is thinking about doing this...you will be amazed at how great life can become. I'm not going to lie and say that it was always easy, but it has been worth it and I would do it all over again.

So today I felt very much like a Viking. I have those days. I would say only occassionally, but seriously, who am I kidding? Sometimes you roll out of bed to the thunderous sound of the alarm clock and think to yourself, "Self, today is a Viking day". I knew it was going to be a glorious Viking day when I got out of bed, strutted into the bathroom and found that I had lost more weight! Yeah, broken stall! I have conquered thee! Thus I then gained an appropriate Viking attitude that says "Arg! I shall plunder and pillage the countryside! Beer wench, bring me more mead!" (On a side note, occassionally I also feel like a pirate, but thats a different blog. *wink*). So, my fellow Norse Men, The Stall Hath Ended! I knew I was totally rockin' my innter Viking warrior when people kept commenting on how awesome I looked today! Which, let me tell you, it's hard to look fabulous in a white chef's jacket. I pretty much pretend that the chef jacket is battle armor against the hordes of rampaging customers, but even MY imagination can only go so far!
 
Speaking of Vikings, my bffs went to Iceland and asked what I wanted them to bring back to me. I said (of course!) "A Viking". Translation: A 6'4 HUNK of virility whose only desire is to...er *blush*....play scrabble with me. Yeah...um...scrabble. *rolls eyes*. Did anybody believe that, 'cause not even I did. Anyway, I figured they could FedEx me a Viking. Hell, if it fits it ships, right? Instead I got Erikir The Red who is about 4 inches tall, very rotund, and looks like he would rather be protecting his rack o' sheep ribs instead of other things. *wink wink, nudge nudge*. Still, he's kinda cute. Although not quite what I was looking for....
 
Work was nuts, as usual, and now I'm researching bowling alleys because a bunch of us are going bowling and I am, apparently, She Who Organizes The Who, What, When And Where. Sometimes I swear getting everybody to the correct place at the correct time is like herding cats. So, research. Thank god for google and smart phones.
 
I have about 1.5 weeks until my sixth month surgiversary doctor's appointment. I need to lose 4lbs to get to 90 total lost. I'm kinda hoping that the Chub Fairy will come and suction about 14lbs from me overnight (and leave me money under my pillow), but it seems that the Chub Fairy is having beer with the Laundry Fairy, Vaccuum Fairy, and the Cleans The Litterbox Fairy as they are all AWOL and not visiting MY house. *sigh* It's so hard to find good help these days....

I've had the past four days off of work to go back to my hometown for my mom and grandpa's joint birthday party. It was awesome as I haven't seen some of my family members in 6 months and they were all shocked at how I look. Okay, so here is my deep, dark secret. I've always kinda envied those women who are small and delicate looking (yet a total steel magnolia underneath!) but at 5'5 and within spitting distance of 300 pounds THAT wasn't a term applied to me. The best I could hope for was that I had a pretty face, or nice eyes or hair. Underwhelming since I always knew they were tacking on the "too bad you're so big". *rolls eyes*. Yet I had soooo many people tell me how tiny and dainty I looked. My uncle even picked me up when he hugged me and spun me around! I still have about 30 pounds I want to lose...but what a great feeling! I'm at a stage where you can actually notice 5 or 10 lb weight loss and I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I'm starting to look like. I adore my kickboxing, zumba and yoga classes and if I don't run several times a week I feel weird. Whats even better is that my amazingly supportive grandparents (so funny now as my grandma was not 100% on board when I told her about my surgery a year ago!) have said that when I run my first 10K this summer that they'll be there at the finish line. That's amazing considering they want to travel to ME and at their age (late 80s) the 3.5 hour trip is hard for them. Wow. Just...wow! This entire long weekend has been great motivation to continue my 'Battle of the Bulge' until I get to my goal!!

I found one of my trigger foods. It's spaghetti or more specifically pasta. My mom made some homemade spaghetti on Sunday (homemade as in, homemade from a jar, you know, the same line of thought as Olive Garden treats you like family). Really, Olive Garden treats you like family, I don't recall my mom ever presenting a bill at the end of a meal. But I digress.
 
Any way, I took the leftovers home with me. For supper, I ate my normal portion, and a few minutes later wanted another portion - even though my stomach was telling me I was stuffed to the top. I wanted it so bad that I would have cage wrestled a bear for another bowl.
 
It wasn't easy, but I stopped myself. The hardest part - and I can't believe it was so difficult to do - was to throw out the spaghetti. I kept telling myself that I could space out the spaghetti into several meals during the week. But, I knew if I left it in the house, I'd find some way to convince myself to eat more that eventing. There is a dog that trots through my yard daily, so he may be going into insulin shock today!
 
Only 1 other time have I wanted to eat something so bad - it was a banana laying in the fruit bowl. So adios spaghetti noodles, I'll eat you at mom's house, but you won't be coming home with me anymore.

One of my favorite Mexican foods. I've been eating this stuff for about 4 weeks straight.
 
I got all the ingredients at Walmart. It cost about $4 for 2 days worth of meals (4 - 6 meals in my case). It's very filling and sticks with me.
 
1 lb of chicken breast.
1 pkg of Taco Bell Taco seasoning.
(I tried other name brand taco mixes and the store brands, Taco Bell tastes the best and is just as cheap. There is a Taco Bell chipolte version as well, but I liked the regular version the best. )
 
1 can of gebhardt refried beans w/fat.
(I tried the non-fat version and I like the fat version better. It only has 2grams of fat per serving.)
 
Salsa or Picante or Taco sauce to taste
1 pkg of your favorite shredded cheese.
 
 
I grill the chicken breast and run it through my food processor.
Mix the taco seasoning with about 1/2 cup of water and mix it thoroughly. I mix it in my protein shake shaker.
Toss the chicken into a pot or pan and add the taco seasoning.
Bring it up to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Let it simmer for about 20 minutes.
 
Mix the chicken and beans in a bowl. Add some salsa if it's too thick for your taste.
 
 
Spoon some of the mixture into a bowl and top with cheese and salsa.
 

Even this far out from surgery, I still have problems eating slowly - especially if it is something that goes down easily like peanut butter. By accident I found a way to train myself to eat slower.
 
It's chicken! My stomach doesn't seem to like ground up chicken and I can feel the gurgles and gas building after a bite or two. So I figure, why not use that to my advantage? So I'll be eating more chicken. Knowing that I have to stop eating after a bite is going to force me to lay the spoon down between bites.
 
Anyone else have a food or foods that cause them to have stomach gurgles and gas?

One of my favorite Mexican foods. I've been eating this stuff for about 4 weeks straight.
 
I got all the ingredients at Walmart. It cost about $4 for 2 days worth of meals (4 - 6 meals in my case). It's very filling and sticks with me.
 
1 lb of chicken breast.
1 pkg of Taco Bell Taco seasoning.
(I tried other name brand taco mixes and the store brands, Taco Bell tastes the best and is just as cheap. There is a Taco Bell chipolte version as well, but I liked the regular version the best. )
 
1 can of gebhardt refried beans w/fat.
(I tried the non-fat version and I like the fat version better. It only has 2grams of fat per serving.)
 
Salsa or Picante or Taco sauce to taste
1 pkg of your favorite shredded cheese.
 
 
I grill the chicken breast and run it through my food processor.
Mix the taco seasoning with about 1/2 cup of water and mix it thoroughly. I mix it in my protein shake shaker.
Toss the chicken into a pot or pan and add the taco seasoning.
Bring it up to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Let it simmer for about 20 minutes.
 
Mix the chicken and beans in a bowl. Add some salsa if it's too thick for your taste.
 
 
Spoon some of the mixture into a bowl and top with cheese and salsa.
 

One of my favorite Mexican foods. I've been eating this stuff for about 4 weeks straight.
 
I got all the ingredients at Walmart. It cost about $4 for 2 days worth of meals (4 - 6 meals in my case). It's very filling and sticks with me.
 
1 lb of chicken breast.
1 pkg of Taco Bell Taco seasoning.
(I tried other name brand taco mixes and the store brands, Taco Bell tastes the best and is just as cheap. There is a Taco Bell chipolte version as well, but I liked the regular version the best. )
 
1 can of gebhardt refried beans w/fat.
(I tried the non-fat version and I like the fat version better. It only has 2grams of fat per serving.)
 
Salsa or Picante or Taco sauce to taste
1 pkg of your favorite shredded cheese.
 
 
I grill the chicken breast and run it through my food processor.
Mix the taco seasoning with about 1/2 cup of water and mix it thoroughly. I mix it in my protein shake shaker.
Toss the chicken into a pot or pan and add the taco seasoning.
Bring it up to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Let it simmer for about 20 minutes.
 
Mix the chicken and beans in a bowl. Add some salsa if it's too thick for your taste.
 
 
Spoon some of the mixture into a bowl and top with cheese and salsa.
 

One of my favorite Mexican foods. I've been eating this stuff for about 4 weeks straight.
 
I got all the ingredients at Walmart. It cost about $4 for 2 days worth of meals (4 - 6 meals in my case). It's very filling and sticks with me.
 
1 lb of chicken breast.
1 pkg of Taco Bell Taco seasoning.
(I tried other name brand taco mixes and the store brands, Taco Bell tastes the best and is just as cheap. There is a Taco Bell chipolte version as well, but I liked the regular version the best. )
 
1 can of gebhardt refried beans w/fat.
(I tried the non-fat version and I like the fat version better. It only has 2grams of fat per serving.)
 
Salsa or Picante or Taco sauce to taste
1 pkg of your favorite shredded cheese.
 
 
I grill the chicken breast and run it through my food processor.
Mix the taco seasoning with about 1/2 cup of water and mix it thoroughly. I mix it in my protein shake shaker.
Toss the chicken into a pot or pan and add the taco seasoning.
Bring it up to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Let it simmer for about 20 minutes.
 
Mix the chicken and beans in a bowl. Add some salsa if it's too thick for your taste.
 
 
Spoon some of the mixture into a bowl and top with cheese and salsa.
 

One of my favorite Mexican foods. I've been eating this stuff for about 4 weeks straight.
 
I got all the ingredients at Walmart. It cost about $4 for 2 days worth of meals (4 - 6 meals in my case). It's very filling and sticks with me.
 
1 lb of chicken breast.
1 pkg of Taco Bell Taco seasoning.
(I tried other name brand taco mixes and the store brands, Taco Bell tastes the best and is just as cheap. There is a Taco Bell chipolte version as well, but I liked the regular version the best. )
 
1 can of gebhardt refried beans w/fat.
(I tried the non-fat version and I like the fat version better. It only has 2grams of fat per serving.)
 
Salsa or Picante or Taco sauce to taste
1 pkg of your favorite shredded cheese.
 
 
I grill the chicken breast and run it through my food processor.
Mix the taco seasoning with about 1/2 cup of water and mix it thoroughly. I mix it in my protein shake shaker.
Toss the chicken into a pot or pan and add the taco seasoning.
Bring it up to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Let it simmer for about 20 minutes.
 
Mix the chicken and beans in a bowl. Add some salsa if it's too thick for your taste.
 
 
Spoon some of the mixture into a bowl and top with cheese and salsa.
 

Cleopatra, Lady Godiva, Joan of Arc, Amelia Earhart....women of history. Now calm yourselves! I don't expect to be remembered at the level they are; but one thing I have learned as a historian is that we ALL have a history. No matter how unimportant you think your life is, you have lived through historical events and you have impacted others' lives. You have the choice to what level you will participate in history. You have the choice as to what YOUR STORY will be.
 
After much soul searching and failed dieting, I had decided I was just going to live with being heavy. I can be happy with it. The truth was, I was actually trying to convince myself. My body is getting larger. My health is getting worse. And one night at the mall, I could no longer keep up with my family at a regular pace. I was out of breath and had to stop for a moment. We hadn't even walked that far! I was so ashamed and humiliated as my boys looked at me with concern and confusion. It was supposed to be a happy evening, and I swallowed my shame and brushed it off. The night have been ruined for me, but I wasn't going to ruin it for my loved ones.
 
The next day, I looked up surgery options. I had looked into the local hospital's program, but was denied so I didn't really care. That was a few months and 15 lbs ago. Today, I no longer cared about the stigma of bariatric surgery. As I was looking, my doctor called. My B12 level was still low (not a surprise to me), but now so is my D levels. She also had concerns that I was showing signs of adult onset diabetes. Last night my right cheek (SLAP!), and now my left (SLAP!) WAAAAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!
 
So, that was that. I contacted My Bariatric Solutions and started asking questions. As if the stars aligned, mom called and she and dad had talked about my health issues. They were concerned because I am too young to be having my problems. I agreed. They suggested surgery and how to cover the costs. I felt like a minion...WHAAAAAAAA????!
 
I am making my own history. I am taking decisive action to show that I am in control of me. I do not have to be content with who I am. This is my journal to keep myself reminded that history is not made in a moment. There are always events and decisions leading up to the event.
 
Now....how to stay patient until surgery for the next 2.5 months......?

I can honestly say today that I feel almost like I never even had surgery. The tightness in my belly is basically gone. Still a tiny bit in the first step out of bed or off the couch, or when I twist a certain way. But other than that, I feel back to normal. I was actually able to sleep on my side for a bit last night. This is a huge milestone for me! I hate being confined to my back. I might normally end up on my back at times throughout the night, but not being able to change positions was hard, and made sleeping for any length of time hard.
 
Wow, has the bad breath returned with a vengeance. I had it appear around day 4 or 5 of he pre-op diet, and now it is back. My wife can smell it from halfway across the room as I talk. I asked the doctor about it yesterday afternoon, and he seemed surprised by my question and asked if I was having reflux. I told him that I thought it was from ketosis, and he said it would probably go away once I am able to expand my diet some. We'll see. Returning to work on Monday will be embarrassing if people can smell it just by coming into my office.
 
I had a nurse come to my house yesterday afternoon with a new CPAP machine. I think this is going to be much easier than the last one I had. I gave it a shot last night, and it started out well. The mask I picked is just a nasal pillow mask with one strap, as opposed to the torture device I used to have, that covered my mouth and nose and had multiple straps and always left a red line on my forehead. I lasted 4.5-5 hours with it, which is longer than I ever lasted with the old one. I woke around 2:30 am and felt like someone punched me in the nose, so not sure what that's about. The nurse said not to try overdoing it at first, do it as long as you can then try again the next night. She said not to get discouraged and give up on it like a lot of people do. Hopefully I will lose weight and not need it anymore.

I found one of my trigger foods. It's spaghetti or more specifically pasta. My mom made some homemade spaghetti on Sunday (homemade as in, homemade from a jar, you know, the same line of thought as Olive Garden treats you like family). Really, Olive Garden treats you like family, I don't recall my mom ever presenting a bill at the end of a meal. But I digress.
 
Any way, I took the leftovers home with me. For supper, I ate my normal portion, and a few minutes later wanted another portion - even though my stomach was telling me I was stuffed to the top. I wanted it so bad that I would have cage wrestled a bear for another bowl.
 
It wasn't easy, but I stopped myself. The hardest part - and I can't believe it was so difficult to do - was to throw out the spaghetti. I kept telling myself that I could space out the spaghetti into several meals during the week. But, I knew if I left it in the house, I'd find some way to convince myself to eat more that eventing. There is a dog that trots through my yard daily, so he may be going into insulin shock today!
 
Only 1 other time have I wanted to eat something so bad - it was a banana laying in the fruit bowl. So adios spaghetti noodles, I'll eat you at mom's house, but you won't be coming home with me anymore.

I found one of my trigger foods. It's spaghetti or more specifically pasta. My mom made some homemade spaghetti on Sunday (homemade as in, homemade from a jar, you know, the same line of thought as Olive Garden treats you like family). Really, Olive Garden treats you like family, I don't recall my mom ever presenting a bill at the end of a meal. But I digress.
 
Any way, I took the leftovers home with me. For supper, I ate my normal portion, and a few minutes later wanted another portion - even though my stomach was telling me I was stuffed to the top. I wanted it so bad that I would have cage wrestled a bear for another bowl.
 
It wasn't easy, but I stopped myself. The hardest part - and I can't believe it was so difficult to do - was to throw out the spaghetti. I kept telling myself that I could space out the spaghetti into several meals during the week. But, I knew if I left it in the house, I'd find some way to convince myself to eat more that eventing. There is a dog that trots through my yard daily, so he may be going into insulin shock today!
 
Only 1 other time have I wanted to eat something so bad - it was a banana laying in the fruit bowl. So adios spaghetti noodles, I'll eat you at mom's house, but you won't be coming home with me anymore.

I'm feeling really good today. Like I've said, every day is better than the one before. I had my follow-up visit with the doctor this morning, and he's happy with how I'm progressing and how my incisions are looking. I'm down 15 lbs according to their scale, 20 according to mine. 15, 20, whatever it is, I'm on my way. I just got back from taking my daughter Chloe for a walk to the library. Felt good to get out for a walk. I walked around the block a couple times yesterday, but it was chilly and raining so not too pleasant. Much nicer out today.
 
Well, I bit the bullet and posted a note on Facebook about the surgery. I woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep, and all I could think about was getting it off my chest. I spent the next 2 and a half hours working out what I would say. I created the note, then shared it to my wall with the following statement - "Dear friends, please read the attached note in its ENTIRETY before passing judgment. I hope for your support. Thank you, Joe"
 
Here is what the note said:
 
On Friday March 8, 2013, I had a surgery called 'vertical sleeve gastrectomy'. This is a bariatric weight loss procedure. This was not a decision that was made lightly, or hastily. I will try my best to outline my reasons for doing it, what it is, and reasons for not telling anyone.
Reasons for not telling people
First, I want to say that I was originally planning on only telling a very select few people about this. But I realize that this is probably not very realistic, as the changes will probably be pretty significant, and pretty quick. I've even outright lied to some people, including some of my coworkers and bandmates, which I am very uneasy about. I hope they will forgive me. Please don't be offended if you were not one of the people I chose to tell beforehand. My main reason for choosing not to tell people beforehand was that I didn't wish to invite any negativity, or have anyone trying to put doubts in my head as I had already made the very difficult decision and none of that would have been helpful to me. Every person I did choose to tell had the exact same comment - "you're not THAT big." I appreciate the 'compliment', and suppose I got pretty good at hiding it. Before surgery, I weighed 274 lbs. I'm sure this number will probably shock most of you, as that seems to be the universal reaction. Another comment I heard was "you could do that yourself". There have been times I've been able to shed decent amounts of weight, only to put it all back on, and then some. And each time I would do this, would make the next time even harder. I also REALLY didn't want to hear anyone say to me that I was 'taking the easy way out', as no doubt some of you reading this might be thinking right now. This would have done nothing but anger me, and would have jeopardized our friendship. Believe me, there is nothing easy about having surgery. I'm still recovering, and wouldn't ever want to relive the first 24 hours. It is still going to take hard work and exercise to get to my goal and maintain it. This is only a tool to help me achieve that goal.
What it is
There are basically three main types of weight loss surgery. There is the gastric bypass. This was never a consideration in my mind, as I view it as being a last resort for extremely overweight people, and there can be a lot of malnutrition involved. I was actually scheduled for the lap band procedure, as I know a few people who have had it done, with varying degrees of success. After hours and hours of further research, I decided against this. Basically, the lap band is a device that is implanted and placed around the entrance to the stomach. The band gets filled with saline so that it inflates and restricts how much you can eat. The 'temporary' aspect of the band (the fact that it can be removed if any issues arose), was the biggest plus to me initially. The more I read online, the more I saw people not happy with the lap band, and having it removed and getting the procedure I had, the vertical sleeve. Some issues with the band include slippage, erosion, and the long-term maintenance (you have to go periodically for 'fills' to adjust how much the band is filled). Some people just could never find what they call their 'green zone', the perfect level of restriction where they are restricting enough to lose weight but not so much that they are vomiting after 2 bites. Also, insurance concerns crossed my mind - would insurance cover the fills forever? What if I moved or had to change doctors? All of these things pointed me in the direction of the vertical sleeve. The vertical sleeve is the newest of the three types, and is basically a laparoscopic procedure where up to 85% of your stomach is removed, leaving you with a sleeve about the size of a banana. Basically, you are then restricted to eating between 3 and 5 ounces at any meal. You can eat pretty much what you did before, only MUCH less. Some people find that they don't tolerate certain foods after surgery, or don't like the tastes of some foods they liked before. It is a permanent solution. The weight loss results are comparable to the bypass, typically very good. Another benefit of this surgery is that the part of the stomach that is removed is the part that produces the hormone grehlin, the hunger hormone, so feelings of overwhelming hunger go away. People say that they go from eating extreme amounts of food and never feeling full before surgery, to having to remind themselves to eat so they can get in enough calories after. The fact that the lap band was 'temporary' and could be removed at any time, was what made it more attractive to me initially, and seemed less 'drastic'. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed a permanent solution that would help me make the lifelong changes I needed to make. Wanting something because it was reversible, enabling me to go back to the way I was, no longer made sense to me.
Reasons for getting surgery
First and foremost, I did this for my wife and kids. I don't want to leave them without a husband and father. Sure, I'm not happy with how I look, but looks were at the bottom of my list of reasons. I would have been perfectly happy to continue to eat 5-6 slices of pizza and being upset that there wasn't any more because I still didn't feel full, and watching my weight continue to rise every year. I 'know' what the right things and right amounts to eat are. But 'knowing' and being able to stick to it because you never feel satisfied are two very different things. I never smoked or drank or did any drugs. Food was my drug, and it was negatively affecting my health. Besides weighing 274 and growing, I had a BMI of 36, which is considered obese. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, erosive GERD (acid reflux), shortness of breath, a leaky heart valve, and what my doctor says is the second worst case of sleep apnea he's seen in his office. If you don't know, sleep apnea means you stop breathing for significant periods of time, which lowers your blood oxygen level, and the 'jarring' that occurs when your breath comes back could cause your heart to go into a deadly rhythm. So basically, I was a ticking time bomb that could die in my sleep at any time. I have a machine called a CPAP machine that helps me breathe at night, but I've tried it and find it impossible to sleep with it. I'm actually getting a new one today that my doctor says is easier because the air pressure level automatically adjusts based on what you need at any given moment, instead of being set at a fixed level that sometimes seems like too much and would wake me up.. I plan on giving it a try, and hopefully once I lose a significant amount of weight the sleep apnea will disappear. I also hope to be off my medications. Most people who get the sleeve are able to get off their medications and are cured of their sleep apnea. I've seen stories of people being cured of type-2 diabetes (which I thankfully did not have, yet) the day of surgery. Amazing. The apnea and medication for blood pressure, while being the result of being overweight, also become self perpetuating problems. They limit my energy level, which in turn limits my activity level, further adding to the obstacles to weight loss on my own.
How I'm doing
The surgery went well on Friday. The surgeon found a fairly large hiatal hernia, which he repaired while he was in there. The first day was basically Hell. I was in pain, discomfort, had a hard time taking deep breaths, and was extremely tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, not only because I was tired but because I wanted to avoid the discomfort. They pump your belly full of air during the procedure to maximize the space they have to work, and this air leads to gas pain which radiates to your left shoulder. This gas pain is no joke. Every day gets easier than the one before it. I am on a clear liquid diet for 1 week, basically limited to water or crystal light, broth, sugar free jello, and sugar free ice pops. I also need to drink protein shakes until I can start eating foods with protein. They want you to get between 60 and 80 grams of protein in every day, and if I can't get all of that in from food I will have to continue with the shakes. At first, it was very hard to get in the fluids, due to swelling. Very small sips. That is getting easier by the day. After 1 week, I progress to a few weeks of a puréed diet, eating mushy foods. A blender will be my friend for this phase. After that, I can start introducing some 'real' foods, slowly to see what I can tolerate. They still want you to concentrate on getting most of your calories from lean proteins and vegetables, limiting sugars and starches. I welcome my new relationship with food. It will no longer be something that I do for pleasure, consuming unlimited quantities. Instead it will be something that I will have to be conscious of, sometimes reminding myself to eat so that I can get in enough calories to sustain good nutrition and fuel my body. It will be a big change, for sure. I continue to feel better every day. The pain is basically gone, limited to what I would describe as a 'tightness' feeling at the incision sites. I had 7 small incisions, which should leave minimal scarring. The first step out of bed or off the couch is the hardest, because of this tightness, and my fear of twisting or stretching anything the wrong way. I'm walking well, just a bit slow at the moment. The tightness also makes it impossible to sleep on my side or stomach right now, limiting me to my back, which is the worst position for my sleep apnea. To counter this, I've found that sleeping upright on the couch with my feet up on an ottoman is the best for me. I tried piling pillows on the bed to elevate my head, but found that it was pushing my head forward, further restricting my airway. I will get my new CPAP machine today, and look forward to sleeping in bed with my wife again tonight. As of this morning, I've lost a total of 20 lbs, including 9 lbs lost during a strict one week pre-op diet.
In conclusion
I am a very private person, who doesn't like divulging personal (potentially embarrassing) information, as I've done at length here. I only just decided to write this after waking up at 5 am and not being able to fall back asleep. I hope for all of your understanding and support, and 'friendship'. I welcome any questions or comments, either under this post, or in a private message, or in person. I do not welcome any criticism or cruel comments or jokes (even lighthearted ones, as I might not view them this way). If that is your inclination, please refrain from commenting, or go ahead and remove me from your friends list. I apologize for ending this on such a down note like that, I just want to make it clear how serious I am about this. Thank you.'
So far, I've gotten all positive comments from people, except for one person. He used to be a close friend, but we grew apart in recent years, but are still friends on Facebook. It's been years since we've talked, even on Facebook. He said he was hurt that I didn't contact him, because he had weight loss surgery also and could have helped me in my decision. I had no idea he had surgery, and told him that and asked him how I would have known. We sent messages back and forth, and he still was upset, saying stuff about how he's sick of putting himself out for other people only to get nothing back (paraphrasing). I told him that I was disappointed that he chose now, a time when I'm reaching out for support and understanding, to make it about him and his hurt feelings that our friendship isn't what it used to be. Whatever, I can't worry about that now. I need to take care of myself at this point in time.

At work on Wednesday they fed us lunch and I couldn't resist the free food. I had a single serving of pototo chips (160 calories) and 1/2 of a big cookie that came with the meal. If I hadn't already eaten earlier I wouldn't have felt so bad about it.
 
So I tried to make up for it by walking an extra mile the same day.
 
Sometimes the temptation is there, it's hard to make the best food choices, but I don't think I went too far overboard. I woke up 2 lbs lighter this morning.
 
You have any tips to avoid temptation?