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About Me
I am turning thirty this year, and to be completely honest I am not sure how I feel about it. What I do know is I am pretty happy with my life, I have a great job, a wonderful husband and the most amazing KId.
I am having trouble blogging the "my story" part so I am going to enter that information here until I have a chance to figure it out.
So my story is a long one I was a really skinny kid, I mean I was 6 and I weighted 35 pounds, everyone always made me eat, in fact I no longer drink Milk, or eat cereal due to battles through out my life with my mother and sitting at the kitchen table until I finished all of my food. My entire life I was forced to eat when I wasn't hungry, and rewarded with icecream when my mother felt guilty about how she treated me. Let's just say "children IE 15 YEAR old kids should not raise kids" I apologize to anyone that might offend.
Around the age of 10 or 11, puberty hit, and that was all she wrote, my "skinny" disappeared and pudgy Candice was here and my mother made sure to tell me that , which is ironic because she taught me my eating habits ... what a joke! I was 12 when my mother started making me diet, by no means was I fat yet.
I learned to play sports and morphed myself into a physically fit mean girl. Yep I said it I was mean, because it was easier to be mean to people then to admit the truth. I played basketball, volleyball and softball and a few other activities, I worked out 6 days a week and ate salad everyday for lunch, and ate mostly health food, I reached the wonderful age of 16 and I knew everything. I tossed away all of my sports, but I still ate very healthy and played gym in highschool, so I managed to keep most of the weight off.. I averaged 160-170 pounds which I realize is not skinny, but I probably will never be skinner than 160, that is my lowest weight ever since 14, even with working out and eating properly.
I graduated highschool at 17 and started my first full time job, and attended college at the same time... the pounds came rolling in, I maxed out at 240 pounds about a year and a half later. I went to the doctor who asked me about my weight and he did some blood work and it turns out I have an underactive thyroid(my entire life my mom called me fat , maybe not in those exact words...but that is what I heard and I had a medical condition.) I was beside myself, our relationship was already strained due to a kid raising a kid, my mom was 30 when I was 15. I think back and try not to feel sorry for myself, because I know she probably did the best she could have...but it doesn't mean it was ok, it will never be ok!
So I was now on a mission, he explained the medicine and how hard I would have to work at dieting, and that I would never be thin and it would be a life long battle. So I worked at the weight loss and I loss almost all of the weight over the next year.. At this time I am about 19 , I am doing great keeping the weight off, I have met my husband, the love of my life...Who loves me even though I am emotionally constipated (his words) he says I am not damaged, I just show love in my own time and way. We have been together 11 years this year, and I have to say without him I probably wouldn't be here.
5 Days before I turn 21 my brother dies, and the last thing I ever said to my brother was. "I am not picking you up, I have to work tomorrow , walk home." My brother died that night , and no I don't want to talk about it anymore than that. I am feeling emotional today and probably won't be able to keep it together.
Over the next 2 years I put on most of the weight I lost.....I am 23 and about 200 pounds. My husband asks me to marry him, which still amazes me, because I lost my way those 2 years. I drank alot and submerged myself in work. I stopped going to Christmas, thanksgiving or any family parties for that matter. I sought out therapy, which always helps me, it help me with my mother, why couldn't it help me with my brother? Guilt doesn't ever go away, and neither does hurt ...not really, people just learn how to coupe, but when life gives them too much and it hits to close to home it resurfaces.
So over the next year we planned our wedding and we got married, shortly after that I was pregnant and joy had returned to my life. After I had my daughter I was back at my top weight 240 pounds, which my husband had never seen. About 4 months after I had my baby my husband said "maybe you should join a gym" I can tell you’re not happy with yourself, start going to the gym again." This was the first time my husband had ever hurt my feelings, but instead of crying, I flipped out ... I screamed at him and got mad for telling me the truth. "I am not really proud of this" I went to the gym 5 days a week, and started going on lunch and I lost most of the weight again, I went to the gym , but my husband didn't and after I had lost the weight I called my husband fat. I already know I am immature and a JERK. He was so nice to me and I did it all just so I could be mean to him. I eventually apologized and we both went to the gym together and both lost the baby weight. I am 25 and 165 pounds, but I am happy and comfortable .
Fast forward 2 years, my daughter is wonderful and teaching me so much about the type of person I need to be, so I can be a role model for her.
My daughter has a few medical problems, but we dismiss them, because nothing has been significant enough .. she catches pneumonia , and then a double pneumonia and is in the hospital for 6 weeks, and has a home health nurse come to the house for another 4 weeks. She almost died ! We do a ton of testing and they can't find anything wrong... my weight jumps back up to 200 pounds over the next year. I start playing volleyball again to relieve some stress, my weight bounces from 180-200 over the next year, and then I broke my ankle and I start working alot to get a promotion and my weight is at 230 pounds.
I decide to have surgery, I went to a doctor in March, after researching and considering the surgery for the last year. My surgery is scheduled for 5/16.
I am going to say one thing before you judge my story, I am not proud of who I was, but I fight everyday to change and to be good to people, but I am not perfect.