Johnny99

Hello all. I haven't been back to ya'll for a while because, well, I really haven't got much to report. A couple weeks ago I announced to the world that I was 10 paltry pounds away from my original goal of 169. However, I have had a little movement. After plateauing yet again, I sit here today down another 1-1/2 pounds. That puts me 8-1/2 pounds away kids. Painfully close ... yet so far away. These last few pounds are falling off at a glacial pace. Which means really, really slow! I had hoped I would get to that magical number by May 15. But that ain't going to happen. My body is fighting me to keep it's precious blubber. I think my brain really misses my ass and is no hurry to detach itself from my remaining flab. This new body thing is quite shocking for all of us. All of us meaning my brain and all the different voices living in there. It is very hard to adjust to the radical changes I have made in my life. Healthier eating habits, exercise and severely limiting my social booze intake. My liver is probably the happiest. In fact, it notified me it wanted to have a small get together with a few of my other organs to celebrate their new lease on life. I would invite you but it will be a lame party. Mr. Liver, Mr. Pancreas and their cohorts are strictly teetotalers. They are also not much into lively conversation. As told to you before, I have decided to just keep doing what I'm doing all through the end of the year. Stay around 1200-1400 calories a day, moderate exercise routine and limited social drinking. I suppose I could try some type of radical cleanse diet and make that May 15th date. But what will that accomplish? I am losing weight the right way. Slow and steady. I think I should stay the course. My metabolic system is so shocked now, I don't think it can handle another curve ball. The other side of that debate is that maybe I should try and fool my body and give myself a good kick in the butt to get my metabolism started again. Kinda like when they tell you to change your weight lifting routine to confuse your muscles. I don't know. Seems complicated to me. I'm the only fool that will end up being confused. And still at the same weight. So it could be an exercise in futility. I am quickly coming to the realization that these last pounds are going to be a bee-atch to lose. I'm really not in a hurry. But I am impatient. I guess that's a bit of a contradiction. But it is what it is. I want to get to that goal and I want to do it now. But I can wait. I'll hit ya back soon! JT

It's me again, Your friendly fellow flabster. I was going to wait a while before I posted again. But I keep reading posts about our weigh of life that continue to disturb me. I think we all need to have a serious chat. I guess I am asking you to have a real "heart to heart" with your one and only true best friend. The only person on earth that knows everything about. Your greatest joys. Your darkest secrets. I am, of course, referring to YOU. You need to sit down and really talk to yourself. What bothers me so much is the despair that a few of our beefy brethren are experiencing during their journeys to a new life. It kills me to read about or hear about other Bandsters that have not been successful in the most important endeavor of their lives. Yes, you are fighting for YOUR life. You are fighting to become a normal, healthy person. A regular Joe trying to prevent social misjudgments, a plethora of medical problems and the ever hovering black cloud of an early death. So I ask you, what don't you get? We all have taken the most drastic step a severely "weight challenged" individual can take. Some of us let a doctor put an anti eating contraption in our bodies. Some of us let a doctor slice and dice our digestive tracks. All in the final hope of finding a solution to our lifelong problem of fatness. By having these invasive procedures, we all made a commitment. We committed to our doctors, our families and our friends. But the final and most important commitment needs to be to ourselves. Are you committed to your journey? We have been give a tool to help us in our quest for thinness. But a tool is all we have been given. And guess what? Tools don't work by themselves. Have you ever seen a hammer bang without an arm pounding it? How about a saw magically sawing by itself. I think not. So how can a Lap-Band or a sleeve or a bypass work without your help? Sure, some types of WLS will automatically make some folks lose weight with no effort. But to be really successful, we need to work our tools. If you wake up from your surgery waiting for the pounds to fly off, you will be greatly disappointed. Before I said " I DO" to my Lap-Band. I knew this was going to be a lifelong marriage to a better lifestyle. It took a couple visits to the shrink to really get me to wrap my head around what I was getting in to. And I had doubts all the way. I almost pulled out my IV and bolted out of the hospital minutes before my surgery. I am glad I didn't. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I did not at least try this last resort. I learned fast after surgery that If You Don't Work for the Band, the Band Won't Work For You! So if you're struggling. Take a step back and re-evaluate. Re-commit yourself. If food and drink are your comfort havens, go back to your shrink. And keep going back and talking it out. Ask your doctor to tighten up your band. Spend time with your nutritionist. (I have an intense email relationship with mine! She totally helps me understand how and what to eat.) Get off your butt and do some exercise. I started just walking a 1/2 mile a day. Anything to get me off the couch and away from the evil snacks calling my name. Today I can easily walk a full 18 holes of golf (about 6 miles). I may even try to ride a bike this year! I was just about the laziest person on earth. I was also the worst eater. I pretty much have never been successful in any weight loss program I have tried before. But here I sit, 10 months out from surgery. Down 75 pounds and only 9 pounds from my original goal. I hate to use a cliche, but this applies here. If I can do it, anyone can do it. You need to start by having that serious chat with yourself. I did. Much Luck to all! JT

Hellooo fellow fat fighters! Welcome back to my warped world of wobble. It's true I don't see things the way the most people do. Some call it weird. Some call it inappropriate. Some like it. Some don't. But I call it the way I see it. Through my own pair of kaleidoscopic glasses. If you're a liker, read on for more of my magical mushroom musings. If you're a hater, stick around anyway. I might publicly embarrass myself. Again. Anyhoo .... Let's start with a few facts for newer readers. This can also refresh the jellies that my loyal readers call brains. Hey, if you're hanging around this blog, your power of cognitive thinking is probably lacking that of a confused hamster. Or you obviously don't have anything better to do. Either way, Let's all assume that the overall retention rate of my readers is, well ... what were we talking about? Oh, yeah .. right. A little recap. Here ya' go. December 2012 - Couldn't fit my fat ass in a plane seat. Almost needed the belt extender. Realized I had a weight problem. January 2013 - Had my 1st consultation for Lap Band surgery. Was hoping to get it done in a week. February / March 2013 - Saw doctors and shrink. Had Farewell to Food Tour. Fought insurance company. April 8, 2013 - Level 3 pants explode. Started emergency diet. Fought with insurance company. May 15, 2013 - Had Lap Band surgery May 16, 2013 - Started new life. Last April 8th, I hit the scale at 254.5 pounds. This may not sound like a whole lot to some with similar struggles. But I am of smaller stature. This weight put my BMI at 43! I was a short biggun! Had there been a remake of the Wizard of OZ, I would have gotten the Mayor of Munchinville part hands down! However, since there was no hope of a munchkin comeback, I knew I had to get started, regardless of my doctor's or insurance company's schedules. My emergency diet worked. My Lap Band is working. My new lifestyle is working. It's all coming together. I set a goal for myself of 169 pounds. Today's scale visit shouted 179 pounds. I am 10 pounds away from my original goal. If I can lose about 1 pound a week, that will put me at goal right around my Bandiversary on May 15. That would be Mission Accomplished. As awesome as it will be to hit that goal, that is not my current mindset. First of all, if my goal is 169, I damn well better get down to 165. All dieters know that there will be upward fluctuations upon return to a normal food life. I certainly don't want to get all giddy at 169, have a party and wake up the next day at 173. That would be muy depressing. So for what it's worth, I have decided to play this thing out for the rest of the year. I am going to continue doing what I am doing as far as food, drink and exercise and let the chips fall where they may. If I get down to the 150s by then, maybe Santa will bring me a new wardrobe. Via Con Dios! Johnny T Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to: mccgolfer99@gmail.com I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog! Stop by my blog: TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com

Hi all! I'm back from my 8 day retreat in the valley of the sun! After suffering through a BRUTAL Chicago winter, I was excited and relieved to get out of town for a LOT of rest and relation. Notice I did not say a little r & r. Nope. Other than checking with the office a few times during the week, I focused on nuthin' but sun, golf and partying. I was freaking out about my weight before I left on this trip. I had tried like heck to break the 180 barrier before I got on the plane. That didn't work out. I left about 2.5 pounds over that mini goal. Well, this made me freak even more during my vacation. I knew there was no way I could follow my plan. Everyday was filled with nice breakfasts, wonderful lunches, outstanding dinners and, of course, adult beverages of every variety. I was in trouble. Instead of throwing in the towel and going on an eating and drinking binge, I decided to go with the flow. But ... I was smart about it. I used smart food choices all week. I really limited any breads, potatoes and pastas. I ate fish as much as possible, even in the fancy steak joints. I steered pretty clear of sweets and deserts. I ate protein bars and SkinnyPop for snacks when available. I tried to make sure I ate something healthy about every 3 hours. I walked as much as I could. Even the seven rounds of golf I played using a cart, still required me to walk about 3.5 miles each round. This brings us to the adult beverage portion of our story. Did I abstain from beer, vodka and wine? Hell no. I was on vacation with a bunch of adults. It's part of the deal. It's part of enjoying life. Did I over do it? Hell no. I had 2 beers during the week. I've been hankering for a frosty Corona with a lime for months. So I had a couple. I had a few vodkas and soda every day. No sugary juices or mixes. I had a few glasses of fine wine during the week. So, yes I imbibed. But no, I did not drink like a sailor on a three day leave. I got on the plane coming home resigned to the fact that I would probably hit 185 on the scale on Monday morning. Anything over that would piss me off. I didn't want to start my week back to work in a bad mood, so I decided to not weigh in for a week. This would give me time to lose those vacation pounds and ease my fat fears. But, I couldn't do it. I had to know. I pulled out my fancy fitbit scale this morning and jumped on. Ready for a deserved kick in the nuts. Imagine my surprise when my friendly fitbit scale told me I weighed 181. 3! Less than when I left. This is a SCALE victory. My fancy fitbit scale gave me more than just good news on my weight. It showed me that I can go on a vacation and enjoy myself like a normal thin person. It gave me a glimpse into my future. Someday I will move to the maintenance side of this project. And this is will be my life. As long as I make healthy food choices, drink moderately and stay active, I can maintain. This is what normal people do. And that's what this whole journey has been about. Being normal. BTW, is it normal to crave margaritas? I'll have to ask a skinny person. See ya soon. jt Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to: mccgolfer99@gmail.com I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

Welcome back! It's time for more girthy grins from your formerly portly preacher. So let's get right into it and see what's happening in the world of Johnny. Frankly, I'm dealing with another debacle. Last week, I finally got around to finally moving my old suits into storage. Did I say finally? I have been slowly paring my old wardrobe from my closet. It has not been easy. It's not the actual moving of clothes that's hard, it's the sorting of the clothes that's the killer. What to throw away and what to keep. It's a mess of epic proportions. After all, I am dealing with about 5 levels of clothing. To clear it up for our new readers, a "level" of clothes is / was the particular items I had that fit me in various stages of rotundness. At my worst, I was busting out of my Level 3 wardrobe. That consisted of several pairs of slacks and a couple of over sized shirts. God forbid if I ever had to invoke Level 4 emergency protocols! That was just a moo moo and a pair of furry bunny slippers. The world was not ready for that. As I have lost weight, I have moved rapidly through Level 2 (comfortable fitting FAT wardrobe), Level 1 (loose fitting fat wardrobe and some trousers and shirts from an old closet, circa 1995), a new transitional Level A wardrobe (some new clothes and a myriad of FAT clothes that were taken in), Level B wardrobe which consists of all new transitional clothes and some old shirts that have been severely altered. Needless to say the the move downward through the levels requires me to set up shop in my closet and endlessly try on pants and shirts. Discarding the "absolutely don't fits", keeping the" fits OKs" and waffling on the "in-betweeners". Because this chore is not related to work, sports or sex, paying attention for any length of time is quite cumbersome. So after about an hour, I got bored and just keep the items I hadn't gotten to yet. This caused a little bit of a logjam. But I FINALLY got it done. After last weeks wardrobe purge, my closet looks pretty empty. Now I have discovered I have only a handful of pants that fit, a few jeans and three Jos. A Banks Sunday go-to-meetin' outfits. I'm in trouble here! I may have to invoke reverse Level C emergency protocols, if I don't get some new trousers in a hurry! I have taken the new pants I bought back in November to Giovanni the "crack tailor" to get taken in. I call him the "crack tailor" because it seems like I am there every week with a fistful of cash to get my fix. I hope these pantalones hold me for another month or so. I really don't want to buy new slacks because I am right on the edge of another downward move in the waist size. Giovanni hopes I continue the tailoring route. I also learned that even if your tailor tells you he can take 9 inches out of your waist, that doesn't mean the pants are going to look right. I may have started a new fashion trend ... 3 belt loops in the back about an inch apart from each other. We'll see if it catches on. Truth be told, I made a few wardrobe mistakes along the way. First, I got way too many slacks, suits and sport coats altered after the first 30 pounds or so. My body was changing so fast that I never even had a chance to wear most of the items. Secondly, I took about 20 shirts in and had those taken in as well. Giovanni can take in the sides, but he can't redo the neck. So I ended up with a bunch of dress shirts with big necks. And the sport coats? He took in the sides, but he couldn't move the shoulders. So I ended up looking like a character from Miami Vice. Big wide collars and shoulder pads. I had to say good bye. I am just ranting about this because it's aggravating and time consuming. But we have to put this in the "good problem to have" column. Yup. It sure beats going the other way. I suppose it's rewarding to see the new clothes I bought in the fall hanging off me already. With another 25 pounds to go, I'm certain I'll being doing at least a couple more wardrobe purges. Only this time it won't be fancy custom suits made by my former haberdasher. You know him? Omar the Tent Maker. If you go see him, tell him Johnny sent you. And also tell him I am no longer in need of his services. SOOOO LOOONG FOR NOW! JT Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to: mccgolfer99@gmail.com I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

Hey there ... Quick update on a few things. I got on my fancy FitBit scale this morning. I have officially lost the alcohol induced weight gain from my Florida trip plus a little bit more. As a matter of fact, my integrated FitBit app tells me I have 14.7 more pounds to lose to hit my goal of 169. A couple thoughts on that 169. First, I must tell you that the weight is falling off at glacial speed. Which means very, very slow. I am still really trying to stick to the plan that has brought me this far, but the results are far more frustrating than when I started this adventure. Sure, I get it. More ass, more weight loss. Less ass, less weight loss. Statistically speaking, a half pound loss of smaller ass is the percentage equal of a full pound loss of fat ass. So I got that going for me. But I am not doing this to amuse some pudgy mathematician. I really don't give a rat's patooty about a percentage loss. I'm in the game for poundage! The excitement of hitting the home stretch to 169 has been tempered down quite a bit since Dr. X gave me the news back in December that he wants me to go for 150. If you remember, he also told me that we have another year and half to go. New goal date is May 15, 2015. Yes, this kind of took the wind out of my sails. I think I mentally took a breather and took my eye off the ball a bit. Maybe that's why I have been hovering here at the 183ish level for a month or so. I need to get re-motivated. First off, my travel schedule is definitely counterproductive to to maintaining a strict diet plan. Yes, I do really well choosing my food options. I choose healthy foods and reasonable portions. However, these healthy choices are the choices that people make when they are trying to maintain their weight. Not the more restricted menu a weight cutter should be making. It's not that easy when you're dining out for every meal for a week straight. And then there is Al C Hall. There is no way that more than several adult beverages a day is good for weight loss. I know it and you know it. But while I am on a precious vacation, I have to imbibe. Ya know, just to be polite. This is why I settle for maintaining my weight while I'm jet-setting. So here I am. I'm under 15 pounds from my original goal. Working through a hectic travel schedule and trying to maintain my weight. That's not the plan. My plan was to be 169 by May 15, 2014, and I am gonna stick with that plan. That means I'm going to have to change a few things. Honestly, I really need to get more active. It's super hard to get motivated when you're ball deep in snow. Yeah, I'm using the treadmill a bit. And I hit the weights occasionally. But it's not enough and I know it. I enjoy walking on a beautiful summer day during a rousing round of golf. Working the treadmill and staring at the wall, not so much. Maybe I'll try the Shred that Lap Band Girl is always touting? She is my muse. She is always reminding me of what it takes to get to your goal and maintain it. Suffice to say, sitting on my backside is not in the equation. That's it for now. Same goal - 169. Same goal date May, 2014. Same plan? I'm going to have to think on this one. More activity is definitely on the schedule. And maybe I'll cut off one of my now thinner legs. Buh Bye JT Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to: mccgolfer99@gmail.com I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

Hello world. I'm back again with another update. I hope this post's title didn't confuse you. I promise it will make perfect sense by the end of this enthralling read. So you're just gonna have to wait a bit. And of course, read today's entire rant. First... Next week will be one year since I wrote my first blog entry. Today's column will be my 54th attempt at keeping you updated on my weight loss journey. That's about once a week. I hope it's enough for you. I know it is for me! In the past year, we have had over 18,000 people view the different pages of my moronic musings. It still amazes me that so many people, from all parts of the globe, want to spend a small part of their day keeping up on my fat fight. Obviously, the majority of my readers come from the U.S. But the top five other foreign readers are from, in order, Latvia, France, Russia and Canada. Yup! My second most loyal followers are from Latvia. The Latvians just can't seem to get enough. Maybe I have the "kevorka" like Kramer on Seinfeld. However, I will not be bathing in garlic to break the spell. Now the big news of week. I had my monthly check up with Dr. X and staff at the Center for Fat-ass-i-ness last week. The news was once again, very good! I lost another 5.5 pounds since late December. That means I have officially eclipsed the 70 pound loss mark! Yippee! Think about that. Seventy pounds. That's a whole lotta ass and blubber. I'll bet you didn't know that the following menagerie of items weighs about 70 pounds: -187 bananas. A full years supply for a large silverback gorilla. - An average sheet of drywall. That's about 8 foot tall and 5 feet wide. Yup, the size of my old ass. - $34,019 U.S. dollar bills. Stuff 100 bills in each of your pockets. Now times that by 17 in each. Whew. - 100 cans of beer. That's 8-1/2 cases of tin and liquid. Think about drinking a twelever in a night out. - A bag of concrete. -12-1/2 red bricks. Use the concrete and you could build a small wall. - 300 apples, 7 large bags of flour and 300 sticks of butter EACH weigh 70 pounds. Sounds like pie ingredients for a small village. - 5 high performance bicycles. I got nothing here. I haven't ridden a pedal bike since 1975. - 37,500 plain M&Ms. This is disturbing. These chocolaty delights were a go-to for the former me. I betcha I fired down a couple thousand at least once during a food bender. - 5 extra large hams. Who here hasn't eaten a whole ham? C'mon don't lie. - Some reports have the semi-famous Nicole Ritchie checking in at 70 pounds these days. Of course, I'd be remiss if we didn't check back with the family. If you recall, at 50 pounds our average boy was 7 years old and had a medium sized terrier. At 70 pounds, our boy is now 11 and the family canine is now an average Alaskan Husky. My ass is shrinking but the family continues to grow. It's been almost 11 months since I started this quest. It has taken a lot of focus and so far the rewards are uplifting. Seventy pounds is a LOT of weight. Hard to believe I have pooped out the equivalent of a 6th grader or a sled dog. Not to mention a minor celebrity. . Catch up soon! JT Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to: mccgolfer99@gmail.com I will answer all you're questions and, who knows, you're pithy comments might make the blog! Reprinted from my blog: Thedeconstructionofjohnny.blogspot.com Come visit!

Been there .... done that ... blogged extensively about it, Go to my blog and read my first few entries starting in Feb of last year! I was the fat guy at the fat clinic. I got my 'hoops list'. All my visits... yada yade. But after 8 months, i'm down 70 pounds. I would do it again in a heartbeat. visit my blog: http://thedeconstructionofjohnny.blogspot.com/

Whew! I just got back from my third road trip in the past few weeks. I know I haven't been keeping you in the loop. I've been busy! I told you I was going to be gallivanting around the country. So I hope you'll forgive my tardiness. I have certainly felt the wrath of some of our more ardent followers. Believe it or not, there are few fatty fans out there who just can't live without this blathering blog. One or two are even a bit stalk-ish. (Note to FeelingFatInFinland: Yes, I got your e-mail. No, I won't send you a photo of my bare ass with all the stretch marks connected in red marker. I can't reach that far. Besides, if you really need to see something like that, a detailed road map of Cincinnati would probably do the trick.) (Note 2 to BiggunInBoston: The answers to your questions in order are: Yes, No, Three at a time, On my head, NEVER!, Boomerang, Oink oink baby and jelly.) That takes care of this weeks fan mail. I will share more in the future. OK, now to the news. As previously stated I have been on three roads trips in the last 3 weeks. Staying on my self prescribed 1200 calorie a day plan was difficult. Logging my food choices was not an option. Eating the right foods all the time was a struggle. Staying away from alcohol was impossible. The bad news is I gained about a pound and a half. But I think I 'll be able to dump that by Friday after a week of detoxing. I'm not upset. I'm right where I expected to be. I mean really. I spent a few nights in the foodie paradise of New Orleans and then 5 nights partying at a golf tourney in Palm Beach. Honestly, I feel pretty much unscathed. I really did watch my food intake. I ate every meal out. So I tried to eat the right fruits and fishes where possible. I watched my portions. Other than a small binge on plain M&Ms that were mistakenly sent to my room, I avoided all sweets. Pretty much a home run. Unfortunately, Johnny likes his booze. All flavors as a matter of fact. We all know that booze is a secret diet killer. The more you drink, the thinner you think. The thinner you think, the more you eat. It's a vicious circle. Clearly, Mr. Booze (or AL C. Hall as we know him) are the enemies of restraint. And I succumbed repeatedly to their liquor-i-ous offerings. Martinis, Cabernet's and Merlot. Greyhounds, Screwdrivers, Bloody Mari's and a frosty margarita. As a salute to the Olympics, I even sprinkled a few White Russians in for good measure. A regular cornucopia of adult beverages. Hell, I get it! It's back on the ol' wagon for me today. I'm tracking my food, I'm off the sauce and I might even try to get in a workout or two. I'm leaving for the Valley of the Sun in 3 weeks and 4 days. I'm planning on being under 180 when I get on that plane. SO let's do this. Phase 2 of the Deconstruction of Johnny has begun! I have about 28 more pounds to lose by May 2015 according to Dr. X. I might as well start now. BTW... I saw Dr. X before I left for Florida. I'll update you on that next time. Soooo long for now. Johnny FAT FANS! Send your questions and comments to: mccgolfer99@gmail.com I will answer any questions and read all comments. Who knows, you might even make the blog!

We are already in to week three of the year. How many of you made a resolution to lose weight? Did you promise yourself you were going to lose a few unsightly pounds, or are you thinking about losing the weight of a small Volkswagen? Well, I'm here to tell you that regardless of how much you want to lose, to be successful you've got to get right in the head first. There is a huge chasm between thinking about it and doing it. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself: "Self ... am I ready for this? Am I ready to severely change my life? Am I ready to rethink the way I look at food and drink? Am I ready to temporarily forego dinner parties, lunches, and various other social functions? Am I ready to make my weight loss the most important thing in my life? Am I ready to become more active? Am I ready to find a plan and stick to it? Am I ready to have patience? Am I committed to succeed? Well, are ya? If you have answered NO to any of the aforementioned questions, you probably need to rethink your resolution. Whether you're thinking of blowing out 5 pounds of baby fat or 100 pounds of fat ass, the commitment is the same. The only difference is the distance you may travel. Your 5 pounds may take a couple of weeks. Your 100 pounds may take a couple of years. I know this first hand. If you read my previous rant, you'll remember that Dr. X shocked me by telling me that my quest for Thindom is a 2 year journey. All the while, stupid me was banking on being done in one year. So if you're a "biggun" hitting for the fences, face the fact that you're going to be doing this for a while. Let's talk to possible Lap-Band candidates. Know this. Don't think you're going to go in for your first consultation and schedule a surgery date. That's what I thought. I went in on January 21, 2013 and thought I would schedule my surgery for a few weeks away. Right between some travel plans I had. Oh NAY NAY! I was given a laundry list of things that I needed to accomplish to get scheduled. My doctor told me if I was diligent, I could get it done in 5 months. Yikes! I saw numerous doctors, shrinks, exercise gurus, nutritionists and fat counselors. I went to group therapies and had batteries of test done. I did everything asked of me as quick as possible and it took me 4 months to get the food fighter installed. So potential Lap-Banders ... be ready for that! Another thing Lap-Band candidates must grasp. This Lap-Band contraption is nothing more than a tool. To be successful, you must find a diet plan your comfortable with and stick to it! Fact is, it will be a while after your surgery that you even feel the device working for you. In my case, it was at least 5 months of saline injections before I finally felt a small restriction. Even after 8 months, I still am not in the "green zone". My doctor and nutritionist discuss this every month at my check-in. And every month we're still tweaking it up a bit. It's all part of the process. Bottom line readers ... If you're trying to lose weight, it's gonna take commitment and time. I have read many blogs of newbie lap-band patients that are disappointed in their results. But if you read between the lines it's always the same. They got the surgery and they are sitting on their collective fat asses waiting for the pounds to melt away. Sorry. That just ain't gonna happen! Going into month 9, I am bouncing around the 70 pound loss number. I did it by carefully watching my calorie intake of both food and alcohol. I have gotten more active. Do I work out? Yes, but I ain't killing myself doing it. After all, my original goal was just to fit back into my Level 3 pants. I was never trying to qualify for the Olympics. I will get back to you when I am firmly under that 70 mark. Should be real soon! Johnny

A hearty hello to all our fat fanatics worldwide! As another year comes to an end, I thought this would be an opportune time to do a little self reflecting. After all, it has been an interesting year for me to say the least. But first, I realize I have been derelict in getting you timely updates on my current status. Quite frankly, I was reluctant to keep posting because I was afraid of what the holidays and my short vacation were going to do to me. Well, I have good news to report. I am down about 2 pounds from the day before Thanksgiving through New Year's Eve! I wanted to be 185 on Thanksgiving. That didn't quite work out. But I was 186.5 today. WHEW! I am really pleased with this number. Why? Because I did an above normal amount of dinning out, family parties, traveling and, of course, the social drinking that comes along with it. I was very conscious of my food intake. When I dined out, I tried to order the right things, always protein. Save the sauces. At Thanksgiving, I loaded up on turkey and ham and passed on potatoes and gravies. On Christmas eve, I feasted on lobster, shrimp an calamari in red sauce. I only had a small mouthful of homemade lasagna to be polite. I also watched my drinking. You know I had to imbibe, so I drank my bourbon straight and my vodka on the rocks. I had a few excellent Cabernets. I even had two frosty beers. My first since March. All in all, I made it through the yearly bacchanal virtually unscathed. I consider this VICTORY. But I can only savor this achievement for a fleeting moment. Year in review - PHEW! 2013 has been a whirlwind to say the least. 1) My first appointment with Dr. X on a blustery January Monday 2) My first lap band support group meeting 3) My first ever visit to a shrink 4) My conversations with Rajeeve 5) My 14 day pre-op diet 6) My surgery 7) My first unauthorized cocktail The list goes on. Suffice to say, last year was a life changer for me. I sit before you today 68 pounds lighter than then the guy that wrote to you in April. That's whole lotta fatass folks. 2014 Resolutions - I have big news for you on this front. I saw Dr. X for my monthly tune up right before Christmas. After he gave me another 1/2 c.c injection, I offhandedly remarked that I wanted to lose about another 20 pounds to get me under my goal of 169. He immediately whipped a calculator out of his staff coat and started doing some ciphering. By way of some secret bariatric calculation, he tells my he wants be to be at 150 pounds! I was FLOORED. ME: "150 pounds? Are you serious? I mean I haven't weighed 150 pounds since 6th grade!" Dr. X: " I'm working from a BMI index. A 28.5 BMI is healthy, but a 25 BMI is golden! That puts you at 150 pounds." ME: "Is that 150 pounds here on the fat ass scale or 150 pounds in the morning naked on my home scale?" Dr. X: "I'll take the 150 on your scale." So I got that going for me. Then he asks me, "When did you have your surgery?" "May 15" I told him. "You haven't even been doing this a year! This is a TWO year project.' You could have knocked me over with a wet noodle. This whole time I was working on a ONE year time table. I was hoping to get to my goal in April. But our dear doctor just tagged on another 19 pounds of weight loss! At 2 pounds per month, that's about a year more. So I guess his math is correct. "You are doing great. You can do this and I will help you get there." he told me. Comforting words did little to ease my shock. But then I started thinking. What's changed? Really nothing. I have learned a new way of eating. I am watching my portions and I'm cutting as many empty calories as possible. So I have to keep counting my calories for another year. So what. I can do it. Can I really get to 150 pounds? Do I really want to be 150 pounds? I really don't know. I do know I have a ways to go to get rid of some excess ass and gut fat. I also know I don't want to be the weakling that gets sand kicked in his face at the beach. So when it comes to my new goal. I guess I'll know it when I feel it. I'll try and be more prompt with the next update. Until then ... Remember YOU CAN'T BE TOO RICH OR TOO THIN!

HI ALL! I missed you while the site was down. Catch up on my trip to Vegas and other antics on my blog: www.Thedecontructionofjohnny.blogspot.com In the meantime, here's my latest post. Hello again everybody! It's time for your favorite periodic pudgy press conference. I did alert all of the major media outlets. But it seems they had more pressing obligations. Go figure. I'm flabbergasted that they don't think this is breaking news. I bet if I got a pit bull to bite me in the ass I'd be all over the 5 o'clock news. Let's talk about my weight loss for the past week. (Buzzer sound here.) That sound means I have nothing to report. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Same weight, almost to the ounce, as last Monday. While it's true I busted the 190 mark and hit the elusive 189, it is here that I am stuck. Mired in melancholy. My previously reported frustration with my temperamental metabolism is rearing it's ugly head once more. It's very disheartening to get on that scale really feeling pumped for a loss, only to have that electronic bastard spew it's bad news. I'm going to fling that thing out the window some day. I have never had such a love / hate relationship with an inanimate object before. I once had a putter that crossed me the wrong way and I sent it to a watery grave in a small water hazard. This fancy Fitbit scale only has so many lives. The no news is the lack of weight loss. The bad news is I probably won't hit the goal I set for myself of 186 by the day before Thanksgiving. Seeing that is only 8 days away, it will take an act of the fat gods for me to make it. The other salty news is that this plateauing is messing up my math. I need to lose at least 20 more pounds. When I was at the 1-1/2 pound per week pace, I had the goal date of March 1. One pound per week puts me out to mid April. If I fall below that, I guess we're talking May. I'm doing my part. I'm staying on my 1200ish calories a day plan. I'm limiting my drinking to special occasions. Now I'm stepping up my workouts to 4-5 days a week. I have actually been doing sprints in the middle of my treadmill walks to boost my metabolism. I am working some with weights. I say "working" because my loss of muscle really makes "lifting" hard. These increased workouts have come at great expense to my aging and abused body. I had bad eyes, bad shoulders and creaky knees going into this thing. We can now add bad feet and sore hips to the hit parade. The good news is I'm not giving up. I have a few hurdles here to overcome in the short term, namely Thanksgiving, Palm Beach , birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve, New Orleans, Palm Beach and Scottsdale. My loyal readers will remember that this was the schedule last year that made me bust out of my pants. Well, not this year sports fans. By hook or by crook I will be under my goal by my Bandiversary. May 15, 2014. In the meantime, let's all pray to the god of fatness, Plumpurius, to guide us to the promised land. Bye now! JT

Greetings and salutations my friends and fat followers! I am contacting you today from the other side. No, I am not dead and this is not a creepy seance. I'm talking about the other side of 200 pounds. That's right baby. I finally cracked the elusive 200 number. Mark the date and time fat fans, for this is the first time since the mid 80's that I have had a 1 in front of my weight. This is BIG news indeed. I finally feel like I am accomplishing something. You may ask "What The H, Johnny. You've lost 56 pounds and you don't fell like you accomplished anything? You've lost half of a person, why the lack of satisfaction?" Here's why. When you're a scale bustin fatass as I was in April, losing a few pounds here or there is no big deal. My weight used to fluctuate five pounds on any given week depending on how many buffets I hit. Lose 10 pounds. So what. Lose 20 pounds. I'll hardly notice. 30 pounds. That's something, but I was still in the "Biggun" category. Forty pounds ... 50 pounds, great. But what really makes me feel like I'm winning is that 1. Normal people have a 1 in front of their weight. That's the answer. I am approaching NORMAL. Soon to be average. Now THAT means something! As I previously alluded, I have not had that 1 in front of my weight since the mid 80's. The exact date I busted the deuce mark is not clear to me. Matter of fact, the whole decade is not too clear to me. I was awash in self indulgence. My never ending search for a good time is what got me started on this path to bodily destruction. But that's another story for a different time. So let's use these dates. I remember going on some type of diet and getting down to around 165 pounds. I had a picture taken at this time leaning on a new Delorean. That makes it 1982. Obviously that diet didn't take. It took me a few years to work up the weight ladder. I'm pretty sure it was a chicken wing at a Super Bowl 19 party that pushed me over. That would make it 1985. 1985 - It was a very good year. (I think.) Reagan was still president. Gas was $1.09 a gallon and it only cost $3 to see a movie. Michael Jordon was just a pup and the Bears were stocked with now legendary names like, Fridge, Hamp, Mongo, Mama's Boy and the Punky QB. Things were bouncing back from the dog days of Jimmy Carter and 22% interest rates. There was reason to celebrate. And celebrate I did. Nightly. And usually to excess. I was living the single life. Fast money, fast cars and fast women. Unfortunately, fast food was a daily staple. My bodily empire was beginning to fall and I didn't heed the warnings. The 2 came a lot easier on the way up then the 1 did on the way down. Let's leave the maudlin memories behind. It's a new day, a new age and a new Johnny. I have lost about 56 pounds since April 9. My weekly weight loss is still averaging about 1.5 pounds per week. I know it's going to get slower as my under metabolized body adjusts to my lower calorie intake. But if I could average 1.25 pounds per week, I will hit hit my goal by March. I planned on this taking one full year. I am on schedule. But just think. What if I kept that Delorean? Maybe I could have got up to 88 miles per hour and zapped my way back to 1982. If only I knew then what I know now. So Long for now. We'll talk soon. Johnny T.

Yup. I'm stuck. Not the lap band "I need to toss my cookies" stuck. Weight stuck. I have reached a weight number that I cannot seem to bust through. If you look this phenonenom up in the FatAss World Dictionary, Volume 17, Second Edition, you will find that this is called a plateau. A plateau for the over active metabolism crowd, is a nice place. The top of a mountain perhaps. Where you can gaze at beautiful vistas and see for miles. A plateau for the overly girthed is quite another matter. It's a tortuous place that plays with your emotions. It's a place that reminds you that your journey ain't easy. In fact, it reminds you that the road in front of you is only going to get harder. Moving off this plateau is metabolism over mind. Sometimes it's just out of your control. It's part of the process. I don't plan on pitching my tent and staying on this plateau. I plan on moving on as fast as possible. So I'll soldier on. Head down, focused on the goal. Being stuck is about as frustrated as you can get in a weight loss campaign. Here you are doing everything right. Following the same plan that has worked for you for months with good results. Only to get kicked in the nuts with your daily or weekly scale visit. In my case, it's daily. I weigh my self every morning. For the last 10 days or so, my weight has fluctuated back and forth about a pound and a half either way. A couple days ago, I hit the low end and I thought "this is it. I'm gonna break this mark tomorrow." Only when tomorrow came, I bounced back up a pound. ARRGHHH! If my ultra high tech FitBit scale didn't cost so much, I would have flung it out the window. So I kicked it. (Note to self: Kicking your scale hurts and can only do bodily damage. Please refrain from hostile acts of aggression towards said device in the future. Resort to colorful language instead.) This is also doubly frustrating for me. Why? Because my low weight right now is 200.4 pounds. I have been waiting to get that 1 in front of my weight number. I'm as excited as a kid on Christmas eve to hit that mark. Come to think of it, I'm probably more excited. Hell, a kid only has to wait one year for Christmas. I haven't had a 1 in front of my weight since ... well, I know I still had a record player. I'll have to do some research on this. Suffice to say, it's been a LONG friggin time. So here I sit ... on the door step of a personal milestone. I can only hope that I will break through this barrier by next Monday. If you want to be there for the breaking news. Stand outside my bathroom window around 6:30 a.m. If you don't see a FitBit scale flying through the glass, you know I made it. If not, DUCK! I will report back from the other side of 2. Johnny

Hi ya'll! I'm fresh off a 4 day weekend and wanted to get you the up to the minute Johnny news. C'mon, be honest.... how many of you just can't wait for your fanatical fat fix? I thought so. This blog is like an auto race. Most of the spectators just come for the crashes. At the very least, I am a cheap version of a reality show. Your own personal rendition of Biggest Loser. Or Survivor. Hey, I got an idea ... What if we combine both of those shows? Let's strand a bunch of fat asses in the middle of no where with no food and the potty mouthed TV chef Paula Dean. We'll call it Fattasy Island. My bet, 7 contestants arrive, only 5 leave. The other 2 will be enjoyed with a homemade tropical marinade. No doubt this will be a huge hit. On to the news. Last Monday I went for monthly follow up visit at the center for Fat-ass-i-ness. As reported last week, I officially hit the 50 pound loss point. Yippee! I have to tell you that I am starting to look and feel a little out of place in the waiting area. I am no longer the short, overly swelled man that enjoyed the extra comfort of the fat ass chairs. I am now just a short, plump man that looks like a little kid sitting in a big chair. Add the fact that I usually wear a suit and tie on Mondays. The waiting wobblers probably think I'm some kind of creepy sales person waiting to show Dr. X my new drugs. But sitting and waiting is part of my commitment. It is part of my rehab. Yup. Rehab. Because that's really what this is. Fataholic's Anonymous. My name is Johnny ... and I'm a fataholic. Anyone that reads this, and definitely anyone that tries this, must realize what a significant weight loss project really is. It's a full time commitment to food sobriety. Without full dedication to the cause, you are doomed to fail. "Just one Oreo" can be as catastrophic to a fataholic as "just one beer" to the alcoholic. That first step backwards can lead to a tumble. The end of the binge is just as devastating for both. Self consciousness, loss, shame, failure. All the same buzz words. The alcoholic may end his bender in a a tavern with a shot and a beer in the wee hours of the morning. The fataholic may end up in a corner with a jumbo bag of Dorito's and jar of salsa. Self inflicted wounds for both. The fataholic requires guidance just like his counterpart. We get all the information we need to succeed from our nutritionists, shrinks and doctors. But at the end of the day, it is still on you to watch and motivate yourself. You have to make constant decisions to succeed. Food is not only required to live,it is part of our culture. Think about it. Just about every social gathering includes food. A nice night out with your better half probably includes dinner. A business lunch includes food. Weddings, birthday parties, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs ... you name a social gathering and there will be food. And plenty of it. How about our addiction to Fat Ass TV? There are several channels that air nothing but food shows 24/7. Then you have Masterchef, Iron Chef,Top Chef and a myriad of other kitchen shows. There is a guy that drives around the country and pigs out at out of the way diners. There are guys that fix broken restaurants and a guy that spies on various eatery's employees. If has to do with food, there is a TV show about it. And these chefs / stars get paid humongous salaries for this! I'm really in the wrong business. It's easy to see how someone can lose sight of a healthy lifestyle and fall in to the grips of fatness in our country today. Once you get there, going back is b***h. It's a challenge every minute to stay on your selected program. It's a good thing I have my sober coaches to guide me ... good ol' Al C. Hall and his cousin Vinny Vino. See you soon.. Johnny PS I'm at a little plateau here. The weight loss is slowing down to around a pound per week. I'm going to have to change something up here next week