BandtoSleevechick

Well, here i sit in what was to be my day of Lap Band surgery. But due to an insurance "mix-up" needing another test, I am back to pre-launch. I wonder if this is the way astronauts feel before a mission? Nervous, excited, aprehensive, and this feeling that somehow life would never be the same again for them. Miss their families, friends, pets. I wonder if they sit there and say ..."Boy, I am SURE going to miss eating regular food." Of COURSE not, I can guaranteee this. Anybody who can endure the battery of performance and fitness testing that THEY do cannot possibly be worried about FOOD. But I am,...kinda...no, definitely. Definitely worried. Definitely. Rainman worried. definitely. Food and I go back a long long way. It is my best friend and my worst enemy. It has been there with me thru lonely teenage nights when I was one of the "undesirables" who sat home on weekends with no date, but a can of Ravioli and a Heath bar filled the hole a little and numbed the pain. Temporarily. Until later that night when I lay in my bed and looked out the window into the dark sky thinking how many calories I could put on in just one sitting. And that God saw the WHOLE thing. And He was just as disgusted with me as I was with myself. So I laid there in the dark, crying, and listening to all the heart-break songs that Delilah had to offer. "I'm Not In Love" comes to mind most often, because it was then and there that I figured that I would NEVER be in love or be worth loving. At 12:30 I hunted for the Pringles can I had hidden under the bed.
But i did fall in love, several times. It never stuck. And the young obese teen turned into the young obese woman who was still searching for love AND a teaching position right out of college. No jobs in my field, so my best friend and I decided we could search out of town. BIG MISTAKE. BIG. I found a job alright, 2 hours away from home in a little river town that rolled their sidewalks up at 5PM every night. And for a 21 year old single teacher (the only one in town it seems) life was pretty miserable. LONELY. Which made that hole in the center of my body grow bigger than a FLorida sinkhole. And GUESS what I decided to do? I took up Culinary Cooking. Julia Child, Justin Wilson,Paul Purdomme. I began collecting cookbooks and recipes. And cooking. ANd eating. Me and my little Huggy Bear, the happiest little chub of a cockapoo you ever saw. My friends were happy (wait, make that friend- jenny, who was painfully thin and resembled her pet parakeet that she brought everywhere with her. Including my dinners). I had plenty of left-overs, but not for long. ANd the sweet country cooks in the kitchen at the school just LOVED me because i was the only one who bragged and bragged on their cooking. Daily. ANd it was soooo good. Not the stuff kids get slung on their plates usually. But homemade chicken pot pie, brocolli casserole, real sweet potatoes with some delctable nutty crunch topping, and PIE. YES!! seriously, they made pies and cakes for the kids and the teachers every day. Used real butter too. LOADS of it. I think one day I saw the dairy truck back up with a "BEEP BEEP BEEP" and a ramp slid out with crate after crate of one pound blocks of butter by the dozens. And to complete the picture for you, at th end of my work day, I could always count on Mawmaw Jane to be waiting with a sack of "just a little something to keep you from having to cook for just one, honey." Leftovers of the day. but 2 servings of pie. That woman is still in my will I think. Better check.
I carried extra weight until some neighbor had mercy on me and told me about a diet she had been on and she looked wonderful. She was eating and still losing. And even though she had 4 kids and was married, she befriended me and made me her project. And got me SO involved in projects around town, one of which I loved and still do to this day. Acting in community theeater and singing. Yes, under this fat is the soul of Patsy Cline. I dont know how she managed it, but maybe on one of those lonely night I spent crying myself to sleep, she crawled right into my soul and vocal chords and when I sang it sounded so much like her that i soon became a hit in this one-horse, no stoplight little town. AND then the neighboring towns, and then a big town heard about the "fat girl with the pretty face that can sing her behind off" and I wasnt lonely at night anymore. And I felt loved and needed, and I began to LOSE WEIGHT!! that lasted from 1982, married my blind date in '85, and continued to be active and still cook and sing and act. BUt then....
Then one morning I couldnt get out of bed. The pain that seized my back was so intense it took my breath away. I yelled for my husband who was getting ready to leave for work and he carried me to the car and put me in and i bellowed and cried in pain all the way. Tests and xrays later revealed I had two deteriorated discs in my lower spine and something called Spondylolythesis. I began epidurals for pain, but surgery was out of the question. I just needed to exercise and protect my back. Guess which one I decided to do and forget the other. Yep, the old Yaya reared her ugly fat head and soon i was "protecting my back" by being inactive and eating as much as I had before, for "comfort". And soon I had gained back over half of the 133 pounds I had lost before. Now add another 20 since my mom died 2 years ago. The hole was back with a vengence. I was desperate to find something to help me control this ravenous "hunger" (appetite)and it seemed NOTHING could fill this hole. Which grew with several miscarriages, 2 botched adoptions, and my dear husband who closed the door to any more heartbreak where kids were concerned. Not even foreign adoption. Bigger hole, more weight. I was, and am still as I write this, miserably sad with my life and situation. But blissfully hopefully for tomorrow, when I heard about Lap Banding. I think lifes going to change for Yaya.

Eating my stress away, and meeting Mrs. Strange

It's one of those days! Have you ever had one? Where you go to sleep early you wake up late your hubby has been up hours ahead of you and is in a bad mood because while you were sleeping the insert curse word here (kids) yes that's the word I was talking about, went around the house doing their own thing with regard to nothing and no one. So that ticked him off and rightfully so, if I wasn't so tired I'd be upset about it too, but good grief I am sooooo tired of the drama and the stress.
It seems like it's my life really, it's not just since surgery though surgery has changed the way I think about it all. Before surgery it was easy to ride to the local pharmacy or corner store and pick up a bag of chocolate go home and eat my stress and fustration away. Today it's not so easy to do. Not because I don't want some, but because I think about all I have gone through in the last month, and it's just not worth it to go backwards.
I want to move ahead, I want to be healthy and bag of chocolate is not the healthiest choice for me to make and I wouldn't be able to eat a whole bag and I might just end up not enjoying it anyway since I have no desire for it to begin with.
This is were Mrs. Strange comes in, that's how I feel about it all. As if there was this insecure and scared part of me that has had to grow up and deal with these little every day and not so little but for me just about every day!!!! Stressors.
She has had to grow up and can't have her bag of candy, she has to deal with the feelings and the issues and cope with them in another way.
She's not doing a bad job if I do say so myself, but in these moments….it all feels so strange. I feel so strange. I am not used to floundering through my feelings and my emotions, I'm used to just dealing with it head on and medicating it later with a bag of candy!
I'm not as familiar with Mrs. Strange as I am with Mr. Hershey! Though I am getting to know her a little more each day. Mr. Band-it introduced me to her about a month ago. Mr. Band-it and I bonded instantly the day after surgery, he was part of my life. It's this new Mrs. Strange, who walks away from the candy isle and heads to the gym to work off her fustration and stress. Who sits here and watches all her co-works come up to the desk to take cookies out of the tin, and pretzles out of the bucket and thinks to herself as they all complain about eating yet another cookie, it would serve them right if I super glued the container shut. At least I would have something to laugh at watching them fight to get it open so they could reach those cookies and pretzles!
I shared that thought out loud, and my boss laughed but later gave me that sideways look before he dived into the pretzle bucket, I'm sure wondering if I actually did or would super glue it shut
Mrs. Strange has a way about her, but I’m starting to like her better every day! She and Mr. Band-It are getting along very well and helping me to make a lot of positive changes in my life.

Wow one week has passed since I got banded. So how do I feel?
I feel…….
The same. Weird huh? My incisions are a constant reminder that I have something inside me that is waiting to work. Why did I say that? Because my support system (i.e. my family and friends) are asking me food related questions that I can’t answer. For example my 30th birthday is less than 2 months away and I know they want to throw me a lap band friendly party. I just love that their hearts are in the right place but it’s hard to explain to them that I do not know what me and the band can tolerate. Based on my research I found some people can eat everything they want including breads and pastas. Then I found people who cannot eat breads, pastas, and certain fruits. I would like to be one of those people that can eat whatever I want just in moderations. But time would tell.
I am no longer starving like Marvin. I called my surgeon office and they told me to try to add more fluids in and I did. But I had the weirdest dream last night and I would like to share with you.
I have a confession to make. I have a crush on Bobby Deen I don’t care he is engaged I still have crush on him. Anyway I had a dream that I was did a cooking show with him and his mama Paula Deen. I guess me dreaming about food comes in different ways… LOL
Oh I almost forgot to mention my total weight loss. Last year in August I weigh 267 with me preparing and doing the 2 week liquid diet as of today I weigh 235! That 32 pounds…. Gone! I am feeling amazing right now!
For those who are concerned about me watching the Blues Games tonight…. I will have my pillow close at hand.
Thanks for reading

My initial loss with my band was amazing (and a little scary), but the joy of seeing pounds dropping off on a daily basis was truly fantastic. As I was looking at my weight this morning, I noticed that I had only lost 5 pounds during the month of April and was tempted toward the negative by comparing my loss with what I did when I was first banded.
 
Then I started to think about my bike ride on Sunday, 28 miles, 23 miles two days before, Both at speeds that it took me 5 months of work up to last year to be able to sustain for 15 miles.
I thought about my spin class and the progress I have made during it, where I had to stop and rest halfway through when I first started.
I thought about the fact that it is time to go shopping for clothes again because my pants are starting to bunch at the waist when I tighten my belt enough to hold them up.
I thought about the fact that I am down to one belt because I haven't punched holes in the other two.
I thought about the fact that the fat percentage on my scale hit a new low number this morning.
I thought about all the weight that I lost on WW, and how 5 pounds in a month would have been a cause for celebration.
 
Yup, the low hanging fruit of my band journey is all gone, but that's ok I burn more calories when I have to climb the branches to reach the higher fruit.
 
Father God, please help me to remain thankful for all that you have given me instead of focusing on what I don't have...