aldrichgrace

I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits.
 
While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind.
 
I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now!
 
My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert.
Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast.
 
But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice.
 
The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks.
 
The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas.
 
Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.

The last week has been emotional. I have a lot going on in both my professional life as well as my personal life. I have a lot of decisions to make on both fronts that will effect the rest of my life. So needless to say I feel a little out of sorts.
 
At work we are changing systems and I have to write a software program to track some things that won't be tracked in the new system. Plus, I have to get all the training in for the new system so I can train everyone else.
 
My mother-in-law is begging us to come up north to see her. While we want to, right now with my crazy work life it is hard to find some time to take off.
 
My dog got crazy sick last Thursday night. Vomiting blood- we were at the ER vet at 3 am. Thank God she is better, but I am having to watch her like a hawk. Plus, she has gotten really clingy during all of this.
 
We have had a contractor working on our house. Had our deck enlarged from a 10x14 to a 25x14.
 
Managed to get to my mom's for mothers day, which I ate a dessert and shouldn't have. I had to leave my dog for a few hours with the hubs, which caused the dog to howl for 45 min, driving the hubs crazy. She finally tuckered herself out and went to sleep.
 
Mother's Day is hard for me. If I wouldn't have lost my first child, she would be 3 and a half now. I have lost two more since losing her. Then I went to my OB/GYN Monday and was told my chance for having a child are slim. He said I can keep trying, but he would not get to invested until we are through the first trimester and half of the 2nd. So it's hard to decide if we should give it another go or not. The thought of seeing a postive pregnancy test I think would scare me. I am so scared of losing another one.
 
My weight loss is still at a sllllooooowww pace. Since Dec. I have only lost 10 lbs. It's hard to stay positive and focused when I seem to be getting hits from all side. Last week was pretty good weight wise. I went down to 188. After Mother's Day weekend and a splurge up to 190. It is so easy to put on and so hard to take off. It seems I can't even have one cookie without my body flipping out and gaining weight. Being that I seem to stay busy from before the sun rises until after it set finding time to work out has been difficult.
 
I am exhusted from the fast pace of life right now, and the knowledge that it's not going to get any better any time soon.
 
On top of all this the hubs and I are trying to figure out if I should go back to school to finish out my degree that I was forced to give up on years ago due to finances.
 
So as you can see I have a lot going on. I am not sure what to do or which way to turn. I am just tired!!

today is day 1 of getting back on the right track. Good so far, turned down a bad breakfast idea... good for me.
Breakfast is Coffee, 1/2 sausage patty.

My attitude the last few weeks has been less than great. I have been down for a number of reasons and it has take a toll on me and my weight loss. My life is still beyond busy, but I hope I am getting some control over my attitude.
 
By the end of last week I was in the mode of screw it, I don't care I am going to eat what I want and do what I want. However, I noticed that my band does prevent me from going to far over board and I suppose that is a great thing.
 
Saturday my parent drove down from Southern VA to help the hubs and I set up our awesome new deck. We finally built the deck of our dreams. Even though we live in Raleigh, NC's capital, we have a house in a subdivision that backs a river, so I have a big feild and a river behind my house. This helps me feel like I am some what in the country. We now have a 25 x 14 deck. My parents helped assemble a gazebo on our deck, complete with curtains. We have beautiful new deck furniture. So Saturday from the time my feet hit the floor until my butt hit the bed I was hauling butt.
 
Eating wise, I am not sure how to feel about the weekend. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had what the hubs refers to as the hearty breakfast bowl. This bowl consist of 1 pack of cinnamon oatmal, half of a small apple chopped up in it and a sprinkle of granola on top. It is very good. I don't think that was a horrible breakfast. For lunch, for time sake, we order a pizza. I ate two slices of a medium veggie pizza. When dinner finally rolled around, I felt like a truck had hit me since I had been working out in the sun since 8 am. The hubs wanted to go to Moe's Southwest Grill. I ordered a Quesodilla with chicken, onions and peppers. I pulled off the execess shell, but I did eat most all of it. Funny thing is I never had one stuck spell or felt over full. This worries me a bit.
 
Sunday, I had to make the trip up to Southern VA for a family reunion. I was worried about this, since it would be outside and I would have no where to go hide and PB if I got stuck. I ended up helping my plate with to much, however it was about a 3rd of what I would have normally had on there. Yet, I still didn't eat it all. I ended up giving a peice of chicken that was way to big to my newphew who is 16 and is as skinny as a rail, yet eats like a horse. I didn't have dessert a spoon of strawberry cobbler and 1 thin slice of pound cake. Luckly I never got stuck, but still know I ate to much.
 
When I finally arrived home the hubs wanted breakfast supper. I made sausage and egg sandwiches. I toast mine so the bread doesn't gum. I ate the entire thing- normally I would only eat half.
 
I worry now that I may have stretched my band. I know I need to get back on track and stop this insanity before it gets totally out of control. I had hoped to get up early today and go for a run, but it's is raining cats, dogs and a few horses here in NC and will all day . This afternoon I need to go get my mom's B-day gift, since I finally know what she wants. Then I need to come home and clean the house, which got neglected this weekend with everything else I have to do. So I know I will not stop moving until my head hits the pillow again.
 
This constant being busy is likely what has prevented my weight from going insane, I am up to 190.8 this morning. My lowest seen has been 187.
 
I must get back on track one step at a time, I believe it is time to go back to journaling, if I can find time to do that.