Bandgirl64

Well once again I was in bed about to have a long visit with the sandman when my nagging conscious made me get up and come write my blog. Its officially been 4 weeks since surgery!! I am down a total of 25 lbs since I started my pre-op diet! And a total of 32 since I started this process in February. Woo hoo. I had two doctors appointments today (I'll get to those in a min) and was thinking to myself in the elevator on the way home after the second one, how lucky I was to be in the situation I am in. If you had told me this time last year that in a year I would have my band and be on my way to being happy and healthy I would have said yeah right. I just hope that my success continues and yes I know that I am the one who controls my destiny. As my clinician said today, I am the boss of my band not the other way around.
 
First visit of the day was my surgeon's office, which I have grown to not like the office staff. The nurse practitioner make a crack about all of my emails when I was going through all of that extensive gas pain. Doesn't tell me much of anything and even has the wrong information, she starts talking to me about my gastric sleeve. Then she realized oops, I have the wrong chart. She also stated again that I had 0 cc inside my band. I am just glad that I do not have to deal with that office anymore. She gave me my release that turned my care back over to True Results.
 
I get to True Results for my first fill and have to say that I was really pretty nervous about it. I am a big whimp when it comes to pain but I had read from several people that it wasn't anything bad. They did like any other doctor's office, weighed me, took my vitals, asked how I was feeling and then left me in the room until the clinician came in to do my fill. She walked in, her name was Linda and we got a long really well, we had each other cracking up. She asks if I want to be numbed I said heck yes. She stuck me about 5 times (which didn't hurt) to numb the area and I have to say pretty quickly I could only feel the pressure of her pushing down but not the actual feeling of it, if that makes sense.
 
They located my port by feeling around and I have to say it was pretty cool/yet kinda gross to be able to feel it. Once she found the top of it, she tried accessing it to test to see if any fluid was in there. I told her that the surgeon's office said there wasn't any. Another nurse had to come in and help since my port was being stubborn, she said that my port site was still pretty swollen from surgery and deeper than she thought it would be. But guess what...I had 1.5 cc in my band!! I am not really upset with that because I can't imagine how unbearable the past few weeks would have been without any restriction, I would have been eating the walls. This also means that my stomach and liver were really small when he got in there, because he said he doesn't do fills if the area is really tight around the band. So double score for all of that liver worrying. However, at the same time I am just mad at my surgeon's office for giving me wrong information. I am officially filled to a 3.5 cc in a 10 cc band. I had to wait in the waiting room and drink a cup of water to make sure it went down before I left.
 
I can say I could tell a change pretty quickly, and I've had some issues with gas pain tonight. I think that this is from me needing to take EVEN smaller sips of things. Part of the problem is that I am dying of thirst, or feel that way and just want to chug a bottle of water, but that would cause A LOT of pain. So I have just been taking more and more sips. According to the target track True Results put me on they would have liked for me to have lost 3 additional pounds, which would have meant 14 total from the date of surgery. But everyone was happy with what I had done. However, my next target is another 16 lbs lost by my next fill which is scheduled for 11/6. I am going to increase my working out even more and make sure I am cutting back on my carbs and making sure I behave on the weekend. I haven't been crazy with them, but going to reign them in some more.
 
Oh, I emailed the nurse practitioner at the surgeon's office and told her they may want to update my chart to reflect that I did in fact had 1.5 cc in my band post-op. The lady had the nerve to write back and say, "not necessary." WOW!! Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I a little justified in feeling like they have absolutely zero patient care. But on the pro side, I had 6 people tell me today that my incisions looked really good. For the record, I have no issue with the surgeon, just his office staff. I'll post a pic next week showing what they look like a month out.
 
Anyways, I was back to liquids for today and tomorrow, then one more day of mushies, then back to regular food on Friday. I will keep you posted on how my weight loss is going, hopefully I can continue to see the scale numbers go down and meet that goal of 16 lbs by 11/16. That would make me at 40 lbs lost!! I can't even believe I can type that let alone it be possible. I still haven't purchased any new pants, why I am not sure yet. But I desperately need too, going to be wearing burlap sacks pretty soon if I don't fix this problem. Also, non scale victory I have written and proof read the first 3 chapters of my second novel! And I think come up with a title for the first, so pretty soon I hope to be a self published author!
 
My final rant, I normally post on Monday nights, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I had to put my first born fur baby (I don't have any human children) to sleep last night. Taylor was my 9 year old chocolate lab who was just getting old. She went downhill fairly quickly in the past two weeks and after our best efforts to save her, she was just too far gone, so we had to put her out of her pain and misery. I literally was there right after the was born and I held her paw until the end. The pain I feel is terrible and I miss her like crazy. I was outside tonight with my other dog, Lizzie and I could have sworn I heard her bark, needless to say it brought tears to my eyes, but I know she is watching over me.
 
Until tomorrow,
 
Amanda

I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits.
 
While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind.
 
I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now!
 
My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert.
Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast.
 
But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice.
 
The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks.
 
The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas.
 
Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.

This week I have been confronted with more and more people noticing my "physical changes". This makes me feel very vulnerable and I am not sure why? I have been heavy my whole life and I think, for the most part, I have "accepted" this about myself. Even "identified" with being heavy. With time, I have compensated by having a BIG personality in order to be "seen". I drove myself to accomplish many things. For instance, I was a good student, I worked very hard on my career and got promoted because of it, I am a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I really felt that, aside from my weight, I have a lot to offer to the world and I am displaying this in other aspects of my life. Until my weight became a VERY unhealthy issue, I really didn't think it held me back from living my life. The more people focus on my physical changes...the more I want to hide. Hiding was never an issue when I was heavier. I have noticed that taking a compliment has been difficult, that the more people focus on how "good" I look...the more I have tuned down my personality in order to now take the focus off myself. My brain still has not caught up with the changes my body has made. I am hoping the journey will help understand these new feelings and vulnerabilities. Perhaps accepting a new identity and a new normal. I am learning a lot about myself and as much excitement this process brings....it's also dusting up fears that I didn't even know I had.

So, I am completely new to blogging but thought I'd give it a try. I'm hoping that by putting my thoughts, fears, and hopes down, it will help me through my journey of weight loss. If in the process, it happens to help any of you who stumble across my writings, then that's even better!! First of all, although I have not always been obese, I have always been "chubby" and/or have struggled with my weight and had an issue with food. I am an emotional eater. I eat if bored, angry, depressed, happy. . . you name it, and I'll eat for it!! I come from a very Italian family who solved everything with food. I recently came across a diary I kept when I was in high school. Most of the entries were about me complaining about how fat I was and if I could only lose a few more pounds I'd be able to fit into a bikini!! I couldn't believe how fat I thought I was when looking back I know for a fact that I was 120lbs at my heaviest in high school!!! Most of my weight gain came about after a miscarriage, losing a baby when I was 23 weeks pregnant, then from my first and second successful pregnancies. I ballooned eventually up to 252 lbs and this was way too much weight on my 5'3 frame. My back hurt, my knees hurt, I had high blood pressure, pre-diabetes. The list goes on. I tried many different weight loss programs, diet pills, gym memberships, etc. Nothing worked. I finally got up the courage to go for Lap Band. This is my physical, mental and emotional journey.
 
First off, I was banded on 3/1/13. Liquids one week, pureed one week, soft solids one week then. . . regular food. Lost about 18 pounds. No problems to speak of until I went for my first fill on 4/9 when my doc found a kink. . . literally. He could fill but not aspirate! Apparently, my tubing had kinked he believes due to intra-abdominal pressure within the first few hours or days of banding! So, he only filled about 1.5 ccs. Went 4/11 for an x-ray, and lo and behold. . . staring right at me is a very sharp kink that of course, my doctor and the GI fellow both could not manipulate manually to unkink! Fast forward several weeks, and here I am again fresh out of surgery on 5/3 where I had to have the port replaced. Luckily, it wasn't as invasive as the first surgery, so I am not experiencing any of that wonderful chest, back, shoulder pain, etc., Basically, just pain at the incision site. This poor site has already been used 3 times! Originally to remove my gallbladder, then for band surgery #1 and now #2! Any more incisions in that area, and I think the scar will stand up and slap me!!! Now I'm on liquids until Tuesday when I see my doc again. He filled my band to 3ccs. Total weight loss so far is about 24 lbs. I'm hoping all will be well this time. We will see!!! I'll update again after I see my doc on 5/7. Wish me luck!!

I woke up this morning and I feel OH so much better than I have the last few days. I was starting to worry that I'd never feel ok again.
 
This surgery was harder than the initial surgery. It hurt more. It took more out of me. Mind you, I *am* almost 5 years older than I was then. Maybe that's it, maybe it's just coz I'm an old chook now lol.
 
I'm still on a liquid diet - full liquids, with the thickest thing I am having being yoghurt, and I'm doing it easily. I'm rarely hungry and this reminds me so much of when I was in my green zone, when I nearly never felt hungry. I have great hopes of getting there again now I have a new band in.
 
I've also lost almost 5lbs since surgery. I'm not trying to take that loss too seriously but, if I'm honest, I'm ridiculously happy because I've been so careful with my intake and exercise the last few months and not lost a measly lb without the band. This is why I went back to get a new band, because it works for me.
 
Next stop: the green zone. I have my first fill in a couple of weeks, and then hopefully it won't be too long until I'm back there again, and I can go back to happily living my life with my band like I did for the 3 years before the leak.
 
Fingers crossed.

My initial loss with my band was amazing (and a little scary), but the joy of seeing pounds dropping off on a daily basis was truly fantastic. As I was looking at my weight this morning, I noticed that I had only lost 5 pounds during the month of April and was tempted toward the negative by comparing my loss with what I did when I was first banded.
 
Then I started to think about my bike ride on Sunday, 28 miles, 23 miles two days before, Both at speeds that it took me 5 months of work up to last year to be able to sustain for 15 miles.
I thought about my spin class and the progress I have made during it, where I had to stop and rest halfway through when I first started.
I thought about the fact that it is time to go shopping for clothes again because my pants are starting to bunch at the waist when I tighten my belt enough to hold them up.
I thought about the fact that I am down to one belt because I haven't punched holes in the other two.
I thought about the fact that the fat percentage on my scale hit a new low number this morning.
I thought about all the weight that I lost on WW, and how 5 pounds in a month would have been a cause for celebration.
 
Yup, the low hanging fruit of my band journey is all gone, but that's ok I burn more calories when I have to climb the branches to reach the higher fruit.
 
Father God, please help me to remain thankful for all that you have given me instead of focusing on what I don't have...

i get asked all the time about working out so i thought that i tell you my story with it. i am uncoordinated and can not balance ( i am much better now) even as a child i hated gym class. I was always the last picked but i loved to dance i would go to dance class all the time. Well till 13 when my dance teacher told me "i need to learn my place in life and it no were near the dance floor" that ended my love with dance.. I went to feeling like i could not. I joined a gym because my husband worked there Then i picked up body pump something about the music I worked out with Dave a trainer for 2 years however i never lost weight and never rely loved it. I bought the Zumba videos I was not a fan at frist. I thought i never were those silly paints. But the more time i did them the more i kind of liked it.
 
I started taking body pump on Sunday and the teacher was also a zumba teacher she invited me to stay. I SUCKED. I would not have come back if penny did not tell me it would get better i get better. The next week it did get a little better and it keeped getting better till i loved it. Then i was hocked and those silly paints with the but strings i own 7 pairs
 
So why do i love Zumba well it dose not matter if your fat thin green black old young one leg in a wheel chair you can do it. They have a zumba for everyone. I love to dance and I just get lost in the music. I get asked all the time for my best advice. So here it is
 
 
My Mottos:
If you think you can't you can if you can you will if you will you must if you must you do!!
 
I wear a neck less it was a gift from my zumba mentor. it has 3 charms 1. dance like no one watching - to me this means let go feel the music if you not doing a step right and trust me i even mess them up it dose not matter were all going to have fun. 2. a tiger eye for strength if you no this lap band journey you need this to have go though surgery fill change you eating habits it more than just pure muscle strength it about being strong enough to change your life. The 3rd is a butterfly it the transmutation a butterfly starts out a a caterpillar and then go though a change into a butterfat is in all of us.
 
Dance, walk move just be free to do what you like, Be Strong and in the end Become the butterfly that lies with in each one of us