DebHas

I too am nervous. So many thoughts go through my head. The number one thought is the fear of failure. I have struggled with weight all y life. I think we need to believe in ourselves. The power of positive thinking. I keep telling myself that I will be able to do it. I try to replace the negative thinking with how I will look and feel.

My "fat" journey started when I was about 4 years old. My sister was born and was sick. I spent a lot of time wtih my grandparents. My grandpa loved to spoil me with Cookies, icecream and candies. It didn't help that my grandma made the best homemade cookies. My mom is an awesome cook. I grew up with a traditional farm family: full feed for lunch and supper. My love for food began and has never ended. There is never a day that I don't struggle with the choices I make on what foods to put in my mouth. I have never been "thin". I weighed 102# in second grade. I graduated high school at 158#. I did lose wight in high school but I still considered myself to be fat. I think my graduation dress was a size 11. I have never looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of a skinny girl. I always see chubby cheeked, double chinned, big thighs and flabby armed girl. I long for the day I can look in the mirror and actually be happy to see the reflection. I am an educated woman that knows the correct way to lose weight with diet and exercise. I talk to people about doing just that but yet I can't apply those same concepts to myself. I have to wonder why I stay fat. Is there something that is making me not want to eat healthy and exercise. Am I keeping the weight on as a crutch? I have always contributed the things that make me the most unhappy to my weight. Once again the sabotaging of the diet has started. I will do good drops some weight then bam...I hit my own wall that I have created. I start to slide down and then have a very hard time pulling myself back up. I then start having a pity party for one and invite myself. I then treat myself to food to make me feel better. It always ends in the same manner....I feel worse. One would think that I would learn my lesson but I never do. I have decided to do something to help me. I am planning to have lap band in May 2013. I started my journey in August 2012 with Dr appointments. I am suprised by the lack of support from my family and friends. I have experienced many emotions so far on my journey...but the best one has been excitement for my healthy future! TAKE THE RISK ACHIEVMENT OF THE GOAL IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.