KarenElaine

I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing.
 
My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck.
 
The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming.
 
When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well.
 
I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help.
 
If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

So it turns out I might have been having a reaction to my painkillers this entire time, and that's what was causing the overwhelming nausea.
 
Tramadol. Not quite an opiate which is why it was prescribed to me, because this little duck is allergic to opiates. Except it made me nauseous because the number one adverse effect of Tramadol is, low and behold, nausea.
 
I took that little pill every freaking night. And woke up the next day feeling like death. Not last night though, and today I feel SO SO SO much better!
 
So I'm praying that that was it, and I can go back to being human now. Maybe I might even be able to go back to work tomorrow!
 
*happy dance*
 
And can I say, in the absence of nausea, that I'm feeling otherwise pretty damned fine.

Reality has set back in. For the first seven days after my last adjustment (first one in 6 months) I was in paradise. Scale kept dropping close to a lb per day. Yay! Thanks, Santa, that's just what I always wanted! Then there was the aberration of a 1 lb gain that I knew had to be bs, so I ignored it, checked my food log, and chalked it down to sodium. Since it was almost all off the next day, that's still my story and I'm sticking to it. Today, the scale just stayed still, so I'm exerting a lot of energy reminding myself that as long as I AVERAGE 1-2 lbs per week down, it's all good. I'm good. Everything is fine.
 
Can y'all hear me chanting, "Ohhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm?"
 
I know I can't expect any weight loss to be smooth and perfect and steady downward every time I get near a scale (but, oh, wouldn't that be wonderful?), but it's tough to remember that when my inner toddler is whining, "Are we there yet?" every five minutes. It also doesn't help when my inner b***h can't stop pointing out that if I hadn't taken all those months off and regained, I wouldn't now be facing the extreme frustration of trying to lose 10 lbs I had already lost. She's so annoying sometimes. Still, I am what and who I am and where I am, and I can't change that by looking backward, only by moving forward.
 
Went shopping today to stock up on lean protein and make sure I had enough variety in the house to keep from getting bored and cranky, which makes me want to break rules. No rule breaking here, just good healthy food and lots of protein (good thing I love chicken).
 
I know I can do this, especially since I have another appointment coming up in 5 days with the promise of another fill if I need it (oh, I do, I do, I swear I do!). I can no question hold out until then. And after that fill, I will be able to hold out until the next one. If I weren't strong enough for that, I wouldn't have come back with my tail between my legs a week ago. I'm here, I can do this, and I'm too danged stubborn and cussed to give up now.
 
So there!