addiesmom

Here are some things that I need to admit:
 
1- I can not do this journey alone. My husband is awesome and so very supportive, but he isn't on the same path as me and it's makes it difficult to see him eating certain things and I have to tell myself no. I don't have anyone to call and vent to or talk me down. I thought I could do it with his support, but I need support from those on the same wagon train.
 
2- I am addicted to food. When all else fails eat. When you are sad, happy, mad, glad, worried, sleepy eat.
 
3- The only thing to blame for me not having lost more weight is me, myself and I. I choose to eat things I shouldn't have and more than I should have.
 
4- I am a master of excuses. If you have something you don't want to do, let me know I can give you 100 different excuses for not.
 
5- I have good intetions, but have trouble following through. I often "plan" to do XYZ, but then when the time comes, the excuses come.
 
I am starting to work on these. The journey is an ever evolving learning process. I have hidden and ignored a lot of things above, but I must face them now in order to move forward.
 
The last week bad decisions have now shown up on the scale. This morning as I stared down at the scale shining 191, I wanted to kick my butt. I made bad choices and I am now 3 lbs up. To many that may not seem bad, but for me it is a wake up call.
 
I have got to turn this thing around, I have got to reset. This started with me making a menu plan again last night. This way I will know what I will be eating and have less chance of making unhealhty things. I also made my lunches for the remainder of the week and packaged my breakfast, so all I have to do is pick and go. When I did this a few weeks ago it really worked, then life hit me and fell down.

Surgery went well, I was pretty terrified, cried before and the woke up crying. The conversation that I had while waking up:
Me: (soft sobs) I just want to get married.
Nurse: Awe, that's sweet. Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (long pause) Well that's a dumb question. Why would I want to get married without a boyfriend?
The nurse just laughed.
 
Today, I'm pretty sore, gas pains come and go, and I've stayed on top of my Vicodin to avoid pain. Went walking around the mall today with my brother, the came home cause I was tired. But I'm happy I did it.

So yesterday I was telling yall how I had fallen off the wagon and how depressed I had been for the pass couple of days, due to death in the family. I also was telling yall that I was getting back on the wagon starting today. Well I am happy to say I hit the gym and my personal trainer running this morning. And it felt great. I am learning so much about myself it's unreal. Since starting this I'm more active than I have been in a long time. And for once I'm putting me first. Things happen in life that will knock you down. The object is deciding what you going to do when you get up. Enjoy the rest of your day.

So today I can eat and I'm at work and like clock work everybody is going out for breakfast. So the turn to me and say you want us to bring you something back I tell them no I have me breakfast. First person say oh your eating food today what are you eating and I pull out my light and fit greek yogart that has double protein in it and an orange. And right on que they say that's not real food. Your are starving yourself to deaf. I simply smile and say this may not be real to you but it taste real to me. I must add they don't know that I have the lap band and with them acting like this I damn sure not telling. Cause I would have to give them a piece of my mind if they said something out the way. I thought I would share this. Time to finish my great breakfast. Have a good day all. And see you at lunch time.

So before I climb onto my soapbox let me start by saying this is in no way directed at anyone in particular.
 
It seems lately there has been an onslaught of folks either pissed off or discouraged and some even wish they didn't have the surgery because of lack of scale movement. I cannot recall how many posts I've read over the course of the week from someone 5 days to 20 days post op who are just downright frazzled over the fact that the scale has not moved.
 
Again, this is not directed at anyone in particular and as I think back when I was first banded I kind of had that moment of frustration where the scale didn't move and I questioned whether or not I chose the right surgery. I was in the same place a lot of you might be now. I did a lot of research on this surgery for about year before finally going through with it. Out of all things I wish I was more prepared for was the actual weight loss. See I had this assumption that because I had the surgery I was going to begin pulling big numbers immediately. Because I had surgery I was going to see large drop in weight very fast. It never happened...and 11 months post op I can tell you it never has happened...or maybe it has. You see I am obsessed with the scale and have been since my preop days. So I will step on the scale far to often to be able to see big numbers. I finally made peace that this is the way its going to be and I am OK with that now.
 
Everyone loses weight differently and what may work for me may not work for you. Our bodies are so different. So comparing yourself to someone else is not very realistic.
 
If you are due to have surgery or just had surgery I suggest you do yourself a favor and avoid the scale. You will only torture yourself with it. First month post op is all about healing. Even though this may have been the easiest surgery you ever had there was still a substantial amount of trauma to your stomach and digestive system and it needs time to heal and for the swelling to reduce. Swelling alone with play havoc with scale enough to drive someone bonkers. Just do yourself a favor and leave it be.
 
As for the pre and post op "diets" your Doctor prescribed. I really don't believe he provided those guidelines as a sense of torture. Liquids and mushies is all about letting your stomach heal for a few weeks before trying to eat solids. Remember you have a new version of your stomach now and it has to be treated like a newborns. Milk, baby food and then on to solids.
 
I wish you all well and much success. Try not to be hard on yourself and do keep your expectations in check. Remember Rome was not built in a day. Band one day and skinny the next is for dreams only. It takes hard work and determination. Like my friend Carolinagirl always says, You have "want power" and you just have to used it.
 
Being 488lbs I had a tough time deciding if the band was the right me. I was so worried because I had so much weight to lose. I spoke with my Surgeon and said he thought I would do well with the band but he was more than willing to do gastric if that's what I wanted. He was right about the band. I am not at goal yet but it is very reachable now and all doubt is out the window. Work with your band and become one with it and possibly good things will come.
 
Cheers!!
 

Day 6 of my pre-op diet has been difficult. With weird noises coming from--well, everywhere, sugar lows, weakness, headaches, and even envy as I watch my family munch down on mint chocolate cookies and milk, it has not been a good day. I'm almost watching the clock until I can say 6 down, 8 to go. It has always been difficult for me to diet. My stomach rumbles telling me that it wants food, any food, all food, and quick. I've always been able to lose 20-30 pounds as I diet, but eventually I would quit and then gain back everything plus some. I will not repeat that cycle this time, because I am not going to stop until I make my goal, and then my new way of eating will be habit and I won't go back. I am more committed to this plan than I've ever been to any of the other myriad of diets I've done.
 
So while doing all the reminiscing of diets through the years, I am reminded of one in particular. One of my doctors graphically explained weight loss in the following way:
 
He said it comes down to the basic fact of less calories in than you burn, and that he has never seen a picture of a prisoner of war who wasn't skin and bones. He showed me a couple of pictures even, and gave me a chapter of text to read where some POWs were starving to death, yet they still had to drag themselves to the local coal mine for 12 hour shifts with nothing but a handful of rice for the entire day. Then they drug themselves, step by step, sometimes crawling, sometimes pulling or pushing one another, back to the prison camps where they were lucky to get a small amount of water and another handful of rice. If they searched for a morsel of something else, or complained that it wasn't enough, they were tortured even more. Often these POWs prayed that they would pass during the night, knowing that their frail bodies just could not continue on. Others prayed for help to sustain them just one more day.
 
As we are struggling through with our limited shakes or various different diets, I am reminded of those POWs and how they survived on a handful of rice for days, months, even years, all the while working hard labor in their camps. Tonight when I am hearing my stomach rumble, I'm trying to be thankful for what I have. With that in mind, 700 calories doesn't seem so small when compared to the lives of our brave prisoners of war in history.