beabenitez1978

Well really as the title says where do I start? Its been almost 10 months since my surgery - and I've got to say - time has flown by - and though progress has been slow... its still progress...
 
I've also learned a lot since last March... about the band, about me and about the relationships I have.. who would have thought that getting the band could impact ALL aspects of my life? I mean yes - we've all read about how the band impacts not only our health - physical and mental -but it impacts our relationships - to food, to people, to clothes, to ourselves..
 
I suppose I've been naive to the whole thing.. and haven't really taken a hard look at myself (lets face it - looking at myself was NOT something I wanted to do) but hey it has to be done eventually right?! Now don't mind me if I start to ramble here.. but wait.. its my blog right? ha ha... kidding.. but seriously...
 
See.. it was in 2008 - that I started this journey... when the Lap Band was merely a 'fantasy' for me... I was at my highest weight - 495lb... and wearing a 30-32W pants size... I knew I was fat... I had known that all my life.. being the 'big girl' was nothing new.. but this was different... I was having trouble with my health, with even doing the easiest of things... getting out of bed in the morning, or shopping? Yeah.. lets say even Lane Bryant no longer 'fit' me right.. but it was one week before my birthday in 2008 that I had the scare of my life...
 
I hadn't been feeling well at all - but I had ignored it.. afterall I was such the 'non-compliant' patient... I was a diabetic - who didn't take the prescribed meds, nor did I check my blood sugars - and eating right? YEAH RIGHT... anywho - one morning I was in severe pain, weak, and vomiting... my neices were the ones that convinced me to go to the hospital.. and from the Emergency Room I was admitted directing into the hospital.. where I stayed for two and a half weeks... the diagnosis? Early Renal Failure... really? Me? I wasn't even 30 years old yet.. I didn't understand it.. and that's when the Doc came in and 'yelled' at me... letting me know that my kidneys were shutting down... due to uncontrolled diabetes.. he yelled at me about my weight... he yelled about me not caring about my life... This was so very far from the truth... because I did care... didn't I?
 
After spending those two weeks in the hospital - being completely furious with my Doctor - i realized he was right - this was the first time in my life that my health kept me from work.. I realized that he was right - dialysis was a certainity if I didn't make changes... So it was then - when I was released from the hospital that I decided that I needed a change... When I walked out of that hospital - I was taking approximately 15 pills a day and 2 shots of insulin a day... I weighed 495lbs, had high blood pressure and my A1C was a 13..so my daily blood sugar on average was over 330...
 
Flash-Forward....Its 2011 - and here I am... I am now 130lbs lighter - give or take... and still - I don't see a HUGE difference... is that wierd? but what I do notice is those 2 shots and 15 pills a day I was taking? Nope.. no more... only pill I was taking was a multi vitamin... THAT was success enough for me... but I was still considered Morbidly Obese... and there were some family issues that came up... that woke me up.. my weight was a contributing factor to increased risks for the Cancer that was affecting so many in my family... I HAD to do something more... Diabetes and high blood pressue were not the only enemies I had to fight...
 
As 'luck' would have it - the company I work for changed insurance plans - and it was then - during a benefits meeting I realized that the Lap Band Dream - was now an option.. REALLY? So there I went... I met with Dr. Simpson for the first time in October of 2011.. after our first consultationn - it was a go - now the only issue was to get approved by insurance... and from what I heard - getting approved was to be a 'bear' to deal with... and it was.. no lie.. they wanted EVERYTHING... letters from my primary care provider, 5+ years of medical records, proof that I indeed had co-morbidities... Of course at first glance these requirements looked daunting... but in reality - it wasn't at all - for I met all those requirements - EASILY.. which in this sense.. was quite sad....
 
The letter my primary care provider wrote? That in itself was an eye opener... She had gone back - way back in my medical records - and found that at age 12 I was diagnosed as Obese... really?! What happened? and then she tracked from that point all those other little issues that came up.. Asthma, Chronic Lower Back Pain... and then at age 15? Diagnosed with High Blood Pressure?! and then at 23 years of age diagnosed with Diabetes? I had ignored all this... This letter had proved to be yet another eye-opener - one that reminded me that yes - I had made progress - but I could indeed become a better version of myself... a healthier version.
 
So in less than a week after submitting all the needed information to the insurance company - that's right - I got the call.. APPROVED... So after much trial and error in scheduling - I finally had my surgery on March 20th, 2012...
 
So now? That we're in the present day? Its been 10 months since my surgery... and since the surgery - I've lost just over 50lbs... see what I mean? SLOW going... but its going right? But somehow I feel like I should have made more progress.... Dr. Simpson always reminds me that this "is not a race, its a marathon".. REALLY? Ugh.. I have no patience... but he's right.. it took me a good while to gain the weight - so its going to take me time to lose it as well..
 
My struggles of late has been to realize that success can not be measured by the numbers on the scale.. (however lets be honest kids... it matters...) Shopping has been fun.. I mean for the first time in my life - I can fit into 1X and 2X tops - and the cool thing is I've finally made it into a size 20W pants... really? YAY me.. but even with all those little successes.. why am I finding myself not so happy with everything? Why am I finding myself less confident than when I was 495lbs, why am I finding that my relationships aren't as stable as I thought? Is it me or them? Who is the insecure one? Why is it that when I look in the mirror - I don't see the new me - but I see the old Bea... the 495lb one... why is it that when I shop - I still attempt to dress myself in the shrouds of clothing I was so used to... why is it that wearing clothes that actually fit... is uncomfortable and unsettling for me... and what about the changes to my body? the flabby skin? Yes.. I was well aware of the 'side effects' of the surgery - but I want my old body back somedays... at least it was full and somewhat firm... but now? this flabbiness? especially the arm flab.. baah... or lets talk a little about the undue attention I receive now.. THAT's different... however... I'm the same person I was when I was 495 lbs... why all of sudden are they paying attention now? so now - I wonder who's really interested in the me... the real me - the me inside... because somedays it seems that my appearance is all that matters to 'them'...
 
But really ... why am I complaining? This is what I wanted right? and I have to take the good with the bad... so for now? I just take a day at a time... And I think I've caught you up... so until another day my new friends.. take care, be good to yourself and to others... and remember... "A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted"...
 
Just me -
Bea

So when I first started eating out after surgery I would literally do my research before I went to the restaurant to make sure there were healthy options I could eat there. Some of the hardest things when eating out is finding a low calorie option that you an tolerate especially if you are going with friends and family and they have no food restrictions and can eat whatever they want, darn them lol. So here are some great tips to try when you are going out to eat that might help you along the way.
Drink water only: It is best not to drink 30 minutes prior to or 30 minutes after eating, but let’s face it we all get thirsty so rather than drinking your calories it is best to order water. This is one I still have to work on lol.
Decide what to order before you go: If you are worried about what is on the menu and what you can eat, do you research before you go. Now a days with your phones and technology most restaurants have menu’s right on their website so you can do your recon before you go.
Bread or no bread?: Bread can be really hard for people after surgery, but if you enjoy your bread it is better not to depry yourself just remove another option from your menu like no dessert. Same thing with tortilla chips and salsa it is OK to have some just don’t go overboard with your carbs. The worst thing you can do is to depry yourself of the things you want most you just have to learn to control what you eat.
Avoid Greasy Appetizers: Alot of times when I would go out to eat I would feel left out when others were ordering appetizers so a great alternative to an unhealthy and greasy or fried appetizers is to choose a low calorie soup or side salad option. This allows you to eat when your friends are eating their appetizers but you will not feel guilty for your choices.
Put Your Fork Down Between Bites: As gastric bypass and sleeve patients we need to chew often and eat slowly so a great way to make this happen when out with friends and family is to put your fork down between your bites. This allows for conversation and allows you to slow down between bites. This also will allow you to truly taste and savor each bite you take in, and by eating slowly it will allow you to listen to your body and when it is feeling full.
STOP eating when you start to feel full: Learning your body and most importantly your pouch learn when to put down the fork and stop eating. When you start to get that full sensation it is time to STOP and maybe even ask your server to remove your plate so you are NOT tempted to eat more.
Enjoy your company and talk alot: Talking with allow a few things one it will allow you to slow down eating, and two it will more than likely prevent you from over eating.


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Today is my first day at work on this pre-op diet. Just as a small side note, this is the worst first ever. I am trying so hard not to be a grumpy gills about people eating around me, becuase although everyone knows I am on this diet, I cannot expect anyone to not eat around me just becuase it's hard. I am trying to not be frustrated with those around me, but I'll tell you what, thus far it's been super difficult to not bite everyones head off around me. Silly I know. But even these few days have made me feel so moody. I would kill for a giant burger right now with cheese and bacon!
 
Till next time by bariatric buddies...
 
Sara

So I'm five weeks out from surgery, and I thought I'd be amazingly transformed at this point. Well....maybe not AMAZINGLY transformed, but SOMEWHAT transformed would be a step in the positive direction! I have before pictures, and my after pictures look almost identical. But I've lost 27 pounds. You'd think that after 27 pounds, there'd be SOME aesthetic change. Especially considering I was heavy, but not extremely heavy. My co-workers tell me I look like I've lost weight, but I wear a girdle to work, so that doesn't encourage me too much. I should have taken measurements before my surgery and then kept up with it. So...that will start today.
Another thing I have not been doing is exercising. Now my surgeon doesn't want his patients exercising before their six week checkup which mine will be next week. So I've rested on those laurels despite the fact that I know I've been ready to exercise for a couple weeks now. I haven't had one twinge of pain in probably two weeks. If my surgery isn't healed now, I'm guessing it won't be healed, hah! So I'm going to do ab exercises today as I noticed that my back hurts all day at my desk and it never used to do that. And some back strengthening exercises.
 
Which reminds me....found a GREAT suggestion in a magazine last week. Write exercises on popsicle sticks (or pieces of paper) and put them in a cup marked "daily workouts." These exercises should be like "10 push ups" and "50 crunches" etc. Then, when it's time to work out, pull five of them out and go to town! Keeps the workout full of variety and won't let you get too bored!
 
Good luck out there to everyone on this journey....stay tuned to find out how my progress is going!

It took a lot of phone calls, complaining and even threatening to sit in the lobby of my PCP's office till I got it - but I finally got the medical clearance and got a real not a dummy date from my surgeon for my surgery. Jan 26th, it is 2 days after my 60th birthday and I am so ready. On Jan 19th I have the Pre-admission 4 hour workshop which includes:
1. a weigh in haven't seen or been weighed in since Nov 23rd the last 6 month supervised diet visit. Trying to maintain this weigh during the Holidays was not easy at all. I wasn't told I couldn't gain but felt it was important for me not to do so. However I proved unsuccessful with all the various activities around here. Yes I did gain 10 pounds and have been trying to get off every pounds gained plus more these last few weeks.We shall see tomorrow how I did. I hope I am at least back to the weight I was on Nov 23rd.
2. An hour long workshop with the nurse to remind me of what the surgery will entail, what I have to do this last week to get ready for it and the pre-op 1 day diet I must follow, what I must eat and the vitamins I have to take, breathing exercises I have to do after surgery.
3. Meet with the nurses and the Dr that will put me to sleep.
4. Plus ant tests that are now out of date because I had to wait over 2 months for the Doctors to give me clearance. They were so slow I was hitting the punching bag with their faces on it every day. People who started after me already have their surgery and have lost 35 to 50 pounds already. But at least this time around I have a surgery date unlike 2008 when I was told the insurance would pay for the lapband but not the fills. This time around I decided on the sleeve which was not allowed in 8 years ago.
 
I have been thinking about my life after surgery and what I want to do with the new found freedom I hope to get. I hope and pray that this weight loss will allow me to walk again despite all the medical difficulties I have with my back, hips and legs. I hope that I will not need surgery on those parts but if I do there better not be a single Doctor who refuses to do what is needed for me to walk again. I can't have gone through all this to still be using a electric mobility device to get around.
 
GOALS I WANT TO ACHIEVE
1. Whether I can walk again or not I will still be doing my exercise of riding my tricycle, using my arm peddler and pulley and doing the sit down circuit at either Youfit or Curves. I like the equipment at Curves but the lady that owns and runs it is a gossiper. She has told me about others who had surgery and things about their personal life that she had no business telling me. Makes me wonder if she told any one about my personal struggles. I like that Curves as it is close to my house and easier for me to get into with the scooter and walker. I will not tell her about my surgery but if she asks how I lost the weight from the time I left her place (as it has been over 5 years) till I get back, I'll just say high protein-low carb and leave it at that.
 
2. If possible in Feb after I have recovered from this gallbladder, sleeve and possible hernia surgery I want to go to the monthly support group the Doctor offered. I didn't feel right going before and thought it might make me too anxious. However, once I have the surgeries I know I will need the support as I have told no one as I only have one family member left (my brother who is 8 years older and doesn't ever call me or keep in touch) and when I called him I told him it was gallbladder and exploratory surgery for the nodules I have in various parts of my body.. I didn't lie as I do have numerous nodules, which I hope will not prevent the surgery from happening. The doctor is aware of them and I had 2 catscans done so he knows where they are.
 
3. I also want to engage in life again and do the things that other do, which haven't been possible to me.
a. I want to join a bowling league. I use to bowl in college and was on several leagues. I didn't bowl well but I had fun and it was exercise.
b. I want to go to the movies. It has been years since I have been able to go to see a movie. At one time I was able to fit into the stadium seating but the painful walk up the steps and the side stepping to get to a seat was beyond belief. I can't even remember the last movie I attended but I know I stayed on my scooter in the handicap section.
c. I want to go on the Fair rides and all the attraction rides in Orlando. For many years the Wednesday before my Birthday a groups of us supersized people would go to the Fair. Of course none of us could go on any of the rides so we did all the shows and other things available. Next January I want to go on the rides. WOW this makes me think of all the weekend trips I could make to Orlando for all the different attractions that are there and really enjoy myself by being able to go on all the rides. What a wonderful world would open up to me. To be able to take a cruise, ride a jetski, skydive in one of the domes, do a zipline. These are all things on my bucket list and some how I plan to do every one of them.
 
4. If I am able to walk again, I want to leave the current job I have working 2 days per week with the Blind teaching them keyboarding and braille to become a Zumba and Bowka instructor for the elderly. I love to teach and what better way to combine my love of teaching and exercise as the same time. Of course I will have to take some classes in these two exercises and get certified but I do believe it can be done here in Florida as I have researched where the various training programs are located and a few of them are in Florida.
 
I also have a goal of riding my tricycle (if I can't ride a bike) around Lake Okeechobee in Feb 2017 for the Loop around the Lake for Literacy. No not the whole Lake as that is 115 miles but I want to do the 14 mile ride up on the dike. I already checked into and am allowed to ride the tricycle if I can't ride a bike. I told the lady (in charge this year) that it would be a milestone goal of mine. I am hoping to be below 200 when I take this ride. The only bad thing about it is it will cost be $85.00 to do so. However if I can use it to raise money and I raise $200.00 I will get back my $85.00. So once I have the surgery, see where I am weight wise in 6 months then I will start thinking about how to turn this into a Pay it Forward kind of thing and raise that $200.00 so I can ride for free.
 
I know this was long a long winded entry but only those who have been close to 500 pounds and have just existed not being able to really live their life the way they wanted to will understand what this surgery will do for me. Granted I lost 180 pounds on my own over the past 10 years but I am now 60 and do not want to wait another 10 years to get off the remaining 160 pounds. I know this is not the magic cure and only a tool. But it is a tool that will help me lose the remaining weight and allow me to LIVE, LAUGH AND LOVE. By the grace of GOD I am going to do this by my 61st birthday.
 
Since my surgery is in about 1 week my next posting will be after I get home and have had some time to recover. No doubt it will be about the surgery, recovery and how well I am doing. I hope that my posting these entries in some small way helps others who are just beginning their journey and will provide encouragement to all following this new way of life.
 
For all those who did read this posting please let me know how you are doing and feel free to become friends with me as I am sure we need each other's support to accomplish all our goals. Stay Happy and Healthy!!

Happy New Year everyone!
 
I made it through the Holidays without gaining an ounce. Not one stinkin ounce. No one was more surprised than me!
 
I am almost 5 months post-op (Roux N Y) and noticed that when I would get on the scale, especially after I indulged in Holiday-fare and sparkly drinks, I did not gain any weight. How is that even possible?!? The "FatVoice" in me said - wow - that's a freaking miracle. I dodged a bullet, lived to fight another day, beat the odds... all those things I tell myself as I am resolving to choose more wisely. Whew! Right - you've heard the inner voice I'm talkin about. But here's the thing - because I hadn't gained anything, I was pumped to make a better choice - even if it was just for the next 4 hours! I thought to myself - "get some protein in you!" For the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I have a "SkinnyVoice". It's not very loud yet - but I heard it say "You haven't blown it. You got this, Girl".
 
Obviously (because i'm still so new to the by-pass), I made healthy choices most of the time - but as I think back on the last 6 weeks. I felt full. My worry about weighing in was that because I was full I must've gained weight. right??? I got to the point where I would weigh myself when I felt full - just to see. And, whaddaya know - BEING FULL ISN'T THE SAME AS BEING FAT!
 
I get it now - I watched thin people when I was at parties or other social gatherings and noticed that they do not feel compelled to finish a bite. At one party, a really pretty woman ate EXACTLY 1/2 of her Peppermint Schnapps Parfait. I asked her about it and she told me that she had made up her mind BEFORE she took the first bite. Second epiphany, SKINNY PEOPLE HAVE TO WORK AT BEING SKINNY, TOO! wth?? I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she gets to see behind the black curtain!
 
So, Water Always & Protein First - and for the Love of God - eat when you are hungry!

Everything is going good.
 
Incidions are healing quite niceley.
 
Still doing liquid protein and mashed foods.
 
Down 13 lbs and really noticed a difference.
 
Ps, stitches came out without s hitch. Done at home

Well Crap.. yes..I hadn't realized that its been well over a year since my last visit here.. and it seems that I should have been visiting a whole lot more often.. because not only did I fall off the wagon - but I rolled into a raveen that lead to a cliff - and here I am hanging by a mere branch.. with all 340lbs of me.. I can blame no one except myself for the weight gain.. I've gained a total of 43.3 lbs.. I've been completely out of control - and of course recently (within the last 2-3 weeks I've been trying to get back to basics.. I've forgotton how to eat, how to control my poritons, I've forgotten good food choices, and definitely "forgot" the importance of daily exercise/activity - so here I am - trying my best to un-do all that I've done within the last year or so..
 
Take care my friends..
 
 
Just me -
 
Bea

Well.. yes.. once again I find myself being unfair to myself - and NOT exactly on the 'wagon' per se.. However - though it totally maybe stress I did happen to lose about 5-7 lbs... so that's something right? Needless to say - I finally made the big move to California.. and well.. I'm telling you.. its been a LOT harder than I imagined... finding a job has been a bit of a struggle.. who knew it was sooo competitive out here.. but then again.. I did say it was going to be all about the adventure huh?! Boy isn't it true.. be careful what you wish for?!
 
But aside from the stressors in my life - you know.. the no money.. no job.... no family... no friends... I'm still trying to smile.. its not easy to do.. but I'm trying.. I also do get on my scale at least once a week.. just to see where I am.. and its fluctuated up and down since I've been here.. but I've been trying to take in stride... and not allow THAT to stress me out.. because god only knows that finding a job and paying bills are sooo much more important that the number on the scale right?
 
I do have to report that my first two weeks out here in California - I did visit the beach.. and well leave it to me to go to the beach - um on an OVERCAST day.. yeah... no bueno.. talk about being burnt to a crisp... seriously.. I sooo learned my lesson.. heh heh... since then I've had the pleasure of enjoying the beach life a few weekends.. okay... like 5 out of the 8 weeks I've been here.. I may not have any money.. .but thanks to my family - they driven me to the beach.. (I'm thinking they have no appreciation for the beach.... they don't "get" my obsession with it.. lol)
 
I've also spent a lot of this "alone" time reflecting on just what I "gave" up.. and perhaps how much I DID NOT appreciate it ... interesting how I came here - on what was basically a "whim" only to be presented with struggles... but I think this whole experience has already taught me somethings.. has taught me that everything is a risk.. and sometimes even when I don't realize it.. I am already so blessed.. because thats one thing I've realized.. plain and simple.. anyway you want to cut it.. whether I'm here in California or in Arizona.. I. AM. BLESSED...
 
Until next time my friends.. stay blessed..
 
Just me -
Bea

Hmm.. I'm not exactly sure how I am feeling... I took a little break from my workouts this past weekend... bad idea.. had to really push myself to start up again.. but happy to report workouts are back on... of course the scale? Yep.. back up... waah.. I am hoping its the whole "woman" thing.. darn I hate this time of month.. its just so discouraging.. wish there was a magic scale that could take in to consideration how much I actually weigh without all the bloating.. Yeah yeah.. TMI right?
 
In meantime - I'm at a crossroads.. I've began to realize that some of my 'triggers' are a direct result of the anxiety I feel when it comes to my family. I love them.. however I have a feeling my love, my concern for them prevents me from becoming the best that I could be... mentally, emotionally and physically. Granted I can't put the blame all on them.. afterall I am one of those people that take the whole world's problems and make them mine... what am I doing? I've begun to realize that I put my life on hold for the people that I love... so now? I have been thinking seriously for the first time in my life - to be selfish.. I have decided to do what I want for me.. for my life, for my future.. and well whether I fail or succeed - (success is what I am aiming for) I am readying myself for a major move.... To pack up and move to California... Every vacation I take, I never want to come home... is that strange? I feel as if I need a change - not just a physical change - but a LIFE change - a change that the band can't give me...
 
So tomorrow I do what I've been wanting to do for quite sometime I put in my notice at work.. I'm giving myself until the end of July to get my affairs in order and make my move to California... Where in Cali? Not exactly sure.. I'm thinking I spend sometime close to some long lost family out in Fresno... just far enough away from the craziness that is my family.. but just close enough that if I'm 'missing' having family around it'll be a short drive to see them... Will my Arizona family be happy about it? Doubt it.. will THIS make me happy? I don't know... I just know that change can be good... good for the soul..
 
I have lots of plans - things I want to do - that perhaps 200lbs ago I would've scoffed at.. exploring the trails at Yosemite, King's Canyon, and Sequoia National Parks.. or having a 3 to 3 1/2 hour drive to San Francisco and experiencing and appreciating the eclectic sights and scenes that the city has to offer.. not being afraid this time around to jump on the city's famous trolleys...Or to have to opportunity to mark off my bucket list of doing a Napa Valley Wine Tour... its those "little" things that I want to enjoy.. the little things that right now I find myself too busy to enjoy.... Can I enjoy those types of little things here in Arizona? Sure I can! (minus the Napa Valley trip..) But my heart tells me that I want to experience more... and I believe I shall start with California.. Wish me luck!

This week I have been confronted with more and more people noticing my "physical changes". This makes me feel very vulnerable and I am not sure why? I have been heavy my whole life and I think, for the most part, I have "accepted" this about myself. Even "identified" with being heavy. With time, I have compensated by having a BIG personality in order to be "seen". I drove myself to accomplish many things. For instance, I was a good student, I worked very hard on my career and got promoted because of it, I am a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I really felt that, aside from my weight, I have a lot to offer to the world and I am displaying this in other aspects of my life. Until my weight became a VERY unhealthy issue, I really didn't think it held me back from living my life. The more people focus on my physical changes...the more I want to hide. Hiding was never an issue when I was heavier. I have noticed that taking a compliment has been difficult, that the more people focus on how "good" I look...the more I have tuned down my personality in order to now take the focus off myself. My brain still has not caught up with the changes my body has made. I am hoping the journey will help understand these new feelings and vulnerabilities. Perhaps accepting a new identity and a new normal. I am learning a lot about myself and as much excitement this process brings....it's also dusting up fears that I didn't even know I had.

Yep... I'm feeling majorly guilty today... yes.. I just finished working out.. I should be happy right? Burned over 500 calories - BUT that doesn't make up for the fact that I was extremely out of control this weekend.. blah... totally didn't follow my eating plan. Granted, I had a wonderful time.. but honestly these 'relapses' aren't going to help me with my goals... I wasn't logging my food and after doing it this morning I so went over my caloric limit on BOTH Saturday and Sunday... of course I did work out on Saturday - so I don't feel so badly about that.. but I am pretty disappointed in my inability to resist temptation...
 
I have known for a long time that I am addicted to food - especially GOOD food.. and in addition to that - I am also an emotional eater. Face it. I love to eat. But I also know that THIS behavior is also the behavior that got me to 495lbs the first time... so alas - though I made some really poor choices this weekend, looking on the bright side of things? I did get up this morning and kicked butt during my workout.. that's something right?
 
So I take it one day at a time... and make a personal vow to make good choices in my eating and drinking - TODAY... because I can't do anything about what I did this weekend.. so I move past it...

Yep... I'm feeling majorly guilty today... yes.. I just finished working out.. I should be happy right? Burned over 500 calories - BUT that doesn't make up for the fact that I was extremely out of control this weekend.. blah... totally didn't follow my eating plan. Granted, I had a wonderful time.. but honestly these 'relapses' aren't going to help me with my goals... I wasn't logging my food and after doing it this morning I so went over my caloric limit on BOTH Saturday and Sunday... of course I did work out on Saturday - so I don't feel so badly about that.. but I am pretty disappointed in my inability to resist temptation...
 
I have known for a long time that I am addicted to food - especially GOOD food.. and in addition to that - I am also an emotional eater. Face it. I love to eat. But I also know that THIS behavior is also the behavior that got me to 495lbs the first time... so alas - though I made some really poor choices this weekend, looking on the bright side of things? I did get up this morning and kicked butt during my workout.. that's something right?
 
So I take it one day at a time... and make a personal vow to make good choices in my eating and drinking - TODAY... because I can't do anything about what I did this weekend.. so I move past it...

Yep... can you believe it? I'm back! I'm feeling pretty good today - except pretty sore... but no worries - I stuck to the pre-op diet (no problem there.. and totally avoided temptation!!) AND best of all? Just finished with my workout! Yay!! Actually I got up this morning - forced myself out of bed, did some morning stretches to warm up and then jumped on the bike for a bit and went for a little ride.. That definitely woke me up!! However today at work - I noticed I was still a bit sore (even after doing cool down stretches) so of course I was determined to make sure I got some cardio in... I mixed it up though - I just danced.. heh heh...a bit weird right? Yep right here in my living room.. just turned on the music and danced.. and you know what? I had FUN!! and wow was I sweating... I soooo love Pandora's Latin Workout Radio.. that kept me going for a good 30 minutes and even better? I burned a cool 350 calories whoo hoo!! I love that I made the purchase of a heart rate monitor - at least it gives me an idea of what I am burning - and when I need to step it up or slow it down!
 
I think for this whole 'exercise thing' to work for me - in addition to keeping myself in a routine of my cardio workouts on the bike and the elliptical along with the weights to tone - I think I will have to have some fun too.. and I'm thinking dancing should do it! It was a bit weird for me (as I've never been a GREAT dancer) but hey.. I'm MOVING this body of mine and enjoying every minute of it... pretty cool... found something new...
 
Anywho - Just wanted to keep the lapband world out there updated.. Thanks again to all of you who keep me inspired!! Toodles!!

Yep... can you believe it? I'm back! I'm feeling pretty good today - except pretty sore... but no worries - I stuck to the pre-op diet (no problem there.. and totally avoided temptation!!) AND best of all? Just finished with my workout! Yay!! Actually I got up this morning - forced myself out of bed, did some morning stretches to warm up and then jumped on the bike for a bit and went for a little ride.. That definitely woke me up!! However today at work - I noticed I was still a bit sore (even after doing cool down stretches) so of course I was determined to make sure I got some cardio in... I mixed it up though - I just danced.. heh heh...a bit weird right? Yep right here in my living room.. just turned on the music and danced.. and you know what? I had FUN!! and wow was I sweating... I soooo love Pandora's Latin Workout Radio.. that kept me going for a good 30 minutes and even better? I burned a cool 350 calories whoo hoo!! I love that I made the purchase of a heart rate monitor - at least it gives me an idea of what I am burning - and when I need to step it up or slow it down!
 
I think for this whole 'exercise thing' to work for me - in addition to keeping myself in a routine of my cardio workouts on the bike and the elliptical along with the weights to tone - I think I will have to have some fun too.. and I'm thinking dancing should do it! It was a bit weird for me (as I've never been a GREAT dancer) but hey.. I'm MOVING this body of mine and enjoying every minute of it... pretty cool... found something new...
 
Anywho - Just wanted to keep the lapband world out there updated.. Thanks again to all of you who keep me inspired!! Toodles!!

For now anyhow, had my second appointment were we decided that I didn't need a fill. Steady weight loss (Of course not as fast as I would like), 3-4 hours of satiety (Depending on if I stay away from simple carbs and focus on protein). Can pretty much eat anything, but have to be careful and have had a few stuck episodes in the last month when I wasn't.
 
It is kind of a bittersweet place to be, the green zone is this magical fairy land that is held out to us from the time we are banded, and yet here I am. I still wrestle with eating too fast, I still am plagued by head hunger, I still have to exercise, I still have weight to lose, I still get plateaued.
 
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU MEAN I STILL HAVE TO WORK AT MY WEIGHT LOSS, I THOUGHT THE BAND WAS MAGIC!!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!

I am at peace


What can I say… I have accepted the fact that of me doing this pre op diet. Today is 4 day and I am at peace. I have lost 3 pounds and is ready to lose some more. I am more mentally prepared than ever and I just want to have my surgery and move on. I AM THE POINT OF NO RETURN! J I am looking forward to my ups and downs of being banded. So I wrote down my unofficial Top 10 things I look forward to being banded and I would like to share with everyone.
10. Crossing my legs
9. Finding an athletic hobby
8. Asking for a go box
7. Walking a 5K
6. Getting back into the dating scene
5. Cutting my grocery budget in half
4. Shopping for new clothes
3. Outlasting the day care kids at my second job
2. Reintroducing myself.
1. Standing in the mirror and telling myself….. DAMN I LOOK GOOD.
Not bad right? My momentum is still going and I am feeling good.
Thanks you for reading.

I have a serious problem with wanting instant gradification. I think I've always been this way. My mom says patience was never my strong suit. I guess this is way gaining weight was so easy for me. You eat, it taste good, instant grad. Where the calories don't build up to pounds quickly so I don't see the negive consequence so fast.
 
I went into this surgery knowing that the loss would not be instant, however I did believe I would have lost more by this point (only 55 lbs in 10 months). I did well the first little bit, but then it has taken me 4 months to lose 10 lbs. I worry that I've lost all I will lose, a co-worker has told me over and over that with lapband you only lose 50 to 60 % of your excess body weight, and I am right there.
 
With exercise I also find it hard to keep on schedule. Due to my desire for instant gradification I find it difficult to say walk, do the elliptical, lift weights for x length of time because I see no result afterwards. Now, I love cutting my grass (I push mow my .28 acre), working in my flowers, even cleaning my kitchen and house because when I am done I can see a difference- instant grad. I know I need a regular exerecise plan, but I am having a really hard time sticking to one. I can go a month maybe two then I slack off due to other obligations that get in the way. Once I don't do it one day it makes it hard to get back at it. The hubs fusses at me for this, but he does the same thing. At one point we were walking the dogs on the trail behind the house every night, but long hours at work rain, we don't do that now.
 
My eating I think I am doing well with. I am making good choices, eating small portions, and drinking water. I know that limiting my carbs more than I have already done may help me get it down even more, but I worry I wouldn't be able to keep that up long term. I am a meat and potatos girl, always have been.
 
I think basically I need to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, stop wining and do something!!! I find it easier to cut carbs than I think, I had a much easier time letting go of soda than I thought I would. The exercise may still be an issue, but maybe I will be more apt to do it if I get a gym membership- I don't like to waste money.
 
I am in contemplative mode right now, the pity party is over, I am planning now to get over this hump. I want to kick my want power into high geer!!
 
Please any one who want to kick me in the seat of the pants, bring it on. I want to move forward!

I watched the end of The Biggest Loser and the man voted off said, I did not want another man to raise my son. I loved that. I don't want another woman with my husband or her wearing my jewelry and being grammie to my grandsons. So I can quote him too. I now know I am doing something to keep me around longer.
Enjoy your day. Have a happy Fat Tuesday to all who celebrate.

Like many others i am sure.... I get a lot of PMs from people at different stages of their journey asking how they can be as successful as I have been, what were my challenges, what do I eat etc....... And I answer each and every question. A handful of people, write back thanking me or expressing their concerns, frustrations etc....But I really am not sure why most of the others actually do not... I offer my opinions, answer their questions and give them the what worked for me speech... And then I never hear from them again. Not even a thanks for taking the time to answer me...
 
I am not expecting life long pen pals and i I am greatful when Someone actually acknowledges my repy... But for someone to take the time to write, m to take the time to answer I am baffled as to why they don't acknowledge my answer.
 
Just another thing to make you go hmmmmm
 
 

Good Evening all,
So today I'm in day 4 of this pro-opt diet and i can say i feel great. But I see why they say drink plently of water. If you don't you will pay for it....

So I have a co-worker who was banded in February, and when I tell you she has been helping me, she is a God Send. I'm half way through my my first day of pre-surgery liquid diet. When I felt myself getting hungry I went for a walk and it helped. I see that when the hungry pains come in to drink water and do things to take your mind off of it. Mind Over Matter!! I will be checking back in tomorrow. Plus I will be doing before and after pic's soon. Jan 21, 2013 will be here before I no it.

Well kids.. just got home from work and from a little stop at Wal Mart.. I have been struggling lately with the whole eating thing.. (as if it'd be different now that I've got this band huh? Anywho - as I'm sure everyone else also had some struggles with the Holidays this year... whew.. first holidays with the band.. and wow.. talk about tough!! Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I gained.. boo.. but then again - what was that word? Oh yeah.. Self-control... good lord...not even surgery can give us that!
 
So I am back on the wagon again.. (although truth be told - I've been eating and craving everything in sight!!) of course you all know what happens when we eat what we arent supposed to.. yup.. upchuck city.. so I made the decision that I'm going back to basics.. I have to... so I've pulled out my pre-op menu and am starting once again on that... and then my plan is to slowly reintroduce 'real' food back into my diet.. I think this will help 'remind' me that my stomach isn't what it used to be - and even though I'm eating less - I can not be eating the types of food that I used to..
 
So I stockpiled on my protein powders again, replenished my supply of vitamins and supplements and yes even cleared my kitchen of all those "forbidden" foods... huh.. how did they get back in there in the first place?! I blame the cat... heh heh.. oh wait.. I don't have a cat... Darn.. well far be it for me not to take responsibility... although truth be told.. I hate to take the blame in this case.. ah well yep... its the nature of the beast... time to develop and exercise my self-control.. afterall I got this far didn't I?
 
So I think for today I did fairly well.. aside from the fact that I didn't exercise like I should have.. but alas tomorrow is another day... Lets see how I do this month shall we? Yes.. I'm a bit excited about the prospect... afterall even though these past 10 months since the surgery - I've only lost a total of 50+ lbs.. I did manage to fulfill my short term goal.. get back into wearing high heels.. (granted they're only 2.5 inch heels - but heels nonetheless and I bought my first pair of boots.. Yeah baby.. Huh.. I just realized I don't have a goal for this year.. Hmm... gotta start thinking about that one.. Yep - this year can only get better right?

Well kids.. just got home from work and from a little stop at Wal Mart.. I have been struggling lately with the whole eating thing.. (as if it'd be different now that I've got this band huh? Anywho - as I'm sure everyone else also had some struggles with the Holidays this year... whew.. first holidays with the band.. and wow.. talk about tough!! Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I gained.. boo.. but then again - what was that word? Oh yeah.. Self-control... good lord...not even surgery can give us that!
 
So I am back on the wagon again.. (although truth be told - I've been eating and craving everything in sight!!) of course you all know what happens when we eat what we arent supposed to.. yup.. upchuck city.. so I made the decision that I'm going back to basics.. I have to... so I've pulled out my pre-op menu and am starting once again on that... and then my plan is to slowly reintroduce 'real' food back into my diet.. I think this will help 'remind' me that my stomach isn't what it used to be - and even though I'm eating less - I can not be eating the types of food that I used to..
 
So I stockpiled on my protein powders again, replenished my supply of vitamins and supplements and yes even cleared my kitchen of all those "forbidden" foods... huh.. how did they get back in there in the first place?! I blame the cat... heh heh.. oh wait.. I don't have a cat... Darn.. well far be it for me not to take responsibility... although truth be told.. I hate to take the blame in this case.. ah well yep... its the nature of the beast... time to develop and exercise my self-control.. afterall I got this far didn't I?
 
So I think for today I did fairly well.. aside from the fact that I didn't exercise like I should have.. but alas tomorrow is another day... Lets see how I do this month shall we? Yes.. I'm a bit excited about the prospect... afterall even though these past 10 months since the surgery - I've only lost a total of 50+ lbs.. I did manage to fulfill my short term goal.. get back into wearing high heels.. (granted they're only 2.5 inch heels - but heels nonetheless and I bought my first pair of boots.. Yeah baby.. Huh.. I just realized I don't have a goal for this year.. Hmm... gotta start thinking about that one.. Yep - this year can only get better right?

Well really as the title says where do I start? Its been almost 10 months since my surgery - and I've got to say - time has flown by - and though progress has been slow... its still progress...
 
I've also learned a lot since last March... about the band, about me and about the relationships I have.. who would have thought that getting the band could impact ALL aspects of my life? I mean yes - we've all read about how the band impacts not only our health - physical and mental -but it impacts our relationships - to food, to people, to clothes, to ourselves..
 
I suppose I've been naive to the whole thing.. and haven't really taken a hard look at myself (lets face it - looking at myself was NOT something I wanted to do) but hey it has to be done eventually right?! Now don't mind me if I start to ramble here.. but wait.. its my blog right? ha ha... kidding.. but seriously...
 
See.. it was in 2008 - that I started this journey... when the Lap Band was merely a 'fantasy' for me... I was at my highest weight - 495lb... and wearing a 30-32W pants size... I knew I was fat... I had known that all my life.. being the 'big girl' was nothing new.. but this was different... I was having trouble with my health, with even doing the easiest of things... getting out of bed in the morning, or shopping? Yeah.. lets say even Lane Bryant no longer 'fit' me right.. but it was one week before my birthday in 2008 that I had the scare of my life...
 
I hadn't been feeling well at all - but I had ignored it.. afterall I was such the 'non-compliant' patient... I was a diabetic - who didn't take the prescribed meds, nor did I check my blood sugars - and eating right? YEAH RIGHT... anywho - one morning I was in severe pain, weak, and vomiting... my neices were the ones that convinced me to go to the hospital.. and from the Emergency Room I was admitted directing into the hospital.. where I stayed for two and a half weeks... the diagnosis? Early Renal Failure... really? Me? I wasn't even 30 years old yet.. I didn't understand it.. and that's when the Doc came in and 'yelled' at me... letting me know that my kidneys were shutting down... due to uncontrolled diabetes.. he yelled at me about my weight... he yelled about me not caring about my life... This was so very far from the truth... because I did care... didn't I?
 
After spending those two weeks in the hospital - being completely furious with my Doctor - i realized he was right - this was the first time in my life that my health kept me from work.. I realized that he was right - dialysis was a certainity if I didn't make changes... So it was then - when I was released from the hospital that I decided that I needed a change... When I walked out of that hospital - I was taking approximately 15 pills a day and 2 shots of insulin a day... I weighed 495lbs, had high blood pressure and my A1C was a 13..so my daily blood sugar on average was over 330...
 
Flash-Forward....Its 2011 - and here I am... I am now 130lbs lighter - give or take... and still - I don't see a HUGE difference... is that wierd? but what I do notice is those 2 shots and 15 pills a day I was taking? Nope.. no more... only pill I was taking was a multi vitamin... THAT was success enough for me... but I was still considered Morbidly Obese... and there were some family issues that came up... that woke me up.. my weight was a contributing factor to increased risks for the Cancer that was affecting so many in my family... I HAD to do something more... Diabetes and high blood pressue were not the only enemies I had to fight...
 
As 'luck' would have it - the company I work for changed insurance plans - and it was then - during a benefits meeting I realized that the Lap Band Dream - was now an option.. REALLY? So there I went... I met with Dr. Simpson for the first time in October of 2011.. after our first consultationn - it was a go - now the only issue was to get approved by insurance... and from what I heard - getting approved was to be a 'bear' to deal with... and it was.. no lie.. they wanted EVERYTHING... letters from my primary care provider, 5+ years of medical records, proof that I indeed had co-morbidities... Of course at first glance these requirements looked daunting... but in reality - it wasn't at all - for I met all those requirements - EASILY.. which in this sense.. was quite sad....
 
The letter my primary care provider wrote? That in itself was an eye opener... She had gone back - way back in my medical records - and found that at age 12 I was diagnosed as Obese... really?! What happened? and then she tracked from that point all those other little issues that came up.. Asthma, Chronic Lower Back Pain... and then at age 15? Diagnosed with High Blood Pressure?! and then at 23 years of age diagnosed with Diabetes? I had ignored all this... This letter had proved to be yet another eye-opener - one that reminded me that yes - I had made progress - but I could indeed become a better version of myself... a healthier version.
 
So in less than a week after submitting all the needed information to the insurance company - that's right - I got the call.. APPROVED... So after much trial and error in scheduling - I finally had my surgery on March 20th, 2012...
 
So now? That we're in the present day? Its been 10 months since my surgery... and since the surgery - I've lost just over 50lbs... see what I mean? SLOW going... but its going right? But somehow I feel like I should have made more progress.... Dr. Simpson always reminds me that this "is not a race, its a marathon".. REALLY? Ugh.. I have no patience... but he's right.. it took me a good while to gain the weight - so its going to take me time to lose it as well..
 
My struggles of late has been to realize that success can not be measured by the numbers on the scale.. (however lets be honest kids... it matters...) Shopping has been fun.. I mean for the first time in my life - I can fit into 1X and 2X tops - and the cool thing is I've finally made it into a size 20W pants... really? YAY me.. but even with all those little successes.. why am I finding myself not so happy with everything? Why am I finding myself less confident than when I was 495lbs, why am I finding that my relationships aren't as stable as I thought? Is it me or them? Who is the insecure one? Why is it that when I look in the mirror - I don't see the new me - but I see the old Bea... the 495lb one... why is it that when I shop - I still attempt to dress myself in the shrouds of clothing I was so used to... why is it that wearing clothes that actually fit... is uncomfortable and unsettling for me... and what about the changes to my body? the flabby skin? Yes.. I was well aware of the 'side effects' of the surgery - but I want my old body back somedays... at least it was full and somewhat firm... but now? this flabbiness? especially the arm flab.. baah... or lets talk a little about the undue attention I receive now.. THAT's different... however... I'm the same person I was when I was 495 lbs... why all of sudden are they paying attention now? so now - I wonder who's really interested in the me... the real me - the me inside... because somedays it seems that my appearance is all that matters to 'them'...
 
But really ... why am I complaining? This is what I wanted right? and I have to take the good with the bad... so for now? I just take a day at a time... And I think I've caught you up... so until another day my new friends.. take care, be good to yourself and to others... and remember... "A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted"...
 
Just me -
Bea