gowalking

Obviously we're not doctors but I agree with you that the information on this site from other bandsters goes a long way in helping and supporting. I too found more help here in terms of what to expect than anything I 'learned' at my surgeon's office. Welcome to the site and hopefully we can help you in your journey.

With all due respect, you are more in need of help than he is. You know this is a really bad situation and after reading these posts, I see that your concern over being alone is clouding your judgement. You know you have to dump him and yet you are procrastinating. I know you...I know you well. You are me. I was in a bad bad marriage with husband #2. I kept saying that he needed me so I stayed. He didn't need me. I needed him. And I stayed way too long. The best thing I did after leaving him was to not be in another relationship for many years. Only after much therapy was I able to make the right decisions. I am now in a healthy relationship and there's no comparison after knowing what it's like to be with someone for all the wrong reasons. Please, please....make him go away and then work on fixing you. Focus on yourself and your children and realize that you are worthy of only the best.

So....my feet went from an 8 1/2 wide to a 7 regular. My mons...looks like a pillow. It's very puffy but that's likely because I have excess skin in the tummy area. I've pulled the whole thing up to see what a TT would look like and of course I can see a difference. I don't however, think this impacts the internal structure of the vagina. I've had children so I suspect I'm not terribly 'tight' due to that reason. I also can say with great assurance that I've never had a man complain about this...or much else either when it comes to lady parts.

Well....all I can say to the above from @@Dr-Patient is that I consider myself an equal to any man in terms of opportunity and am grateful to not be financially beholding to a husband or anyone else for that matter. Economic independence makes it possible for women to have options and that's always a good thing. It does not mean however, that I don't appreciate a gentleman. I like having a door held open for me, or the man to walk on the curb side of me so as to keep me 'safe'. Or the thousand and one ways a man can be a gentleman. One thing has nothing to do with the other. I personally think that people just don't know how to be polite anymore. And that's what's sad.

My darling girl...I lost my husband 21 years ago. When I say I know what you are going through, I mean it. I know you don't care. Nothing matters right now. Yes...sleep is very elusive. It's so hard to process how someone so important in your life can simply be no more. Even with family support, think about going to a grief support group or even seeing a therapist. I know what I'm talking about...truly. You'll never get past or get over this loss. There is no such thing as closure. You'll have to find that place of acceptance for you to know that you can live with this loss. That's the key. It's not easy to do. I can't speak to the loss of a child or a parent. I'm fortunate enough to have not had that type of loss. But spouses...yes. That I can speak to. Feel free to PM me if you would like. I would also be more than happy to talk to you as well if you would like. Just let me know. Sending you hugs. Liz

Oh Lisa..... It never ends, hon. Hope you feel better soon and hope Ken's car also gets better soon.

I think we've scared Jangy off. Poor girl....just not ready to hear all of this I suspect. I hope I'm wrong.....

Should not have been sipping coffee while reading this. Nearly choked 'cause I started to guffaw...

Roadtrip to Bandista's house!!

I'm a cat and dog lover. I've had both during different parts of my life. Hubby #2 was a cat lover and between us, we had four kitties. The worst part of the divorce was knowing I'd not see my furry babies on a daily basis. I knew I'd miss them alot more than him... The cat ladies are out there @Daveo. You just have to look a little harder I think. I suspect that it's true...cats are often very content by themselves so why not their owners?

There are two threads currently running that are very similar in that they are touching on subjects of marriage and family support. I am not a therapist, and I only have my own experiences to draw on along with some understanding based on things I've read and heard. But I wanted to comment on these threads because I think it's important. I just don't want to have the OPs feel like they are being picked on or dog piled. There seems to be a familiar theme that runs through some of these posts and it has to do with being in relationships that are negative rather than positive. My take on this is that women who are not confident and happy with themselves often cannot connect with men who treat them in positive ways. Basically, if you do not feel worthy of love, you will not be with someone who will provide that to you. It explains the numbers in terms of how many marriages break up after surgery. If a person feels better about themselves, they will not be satisfied with being with a significant other who doesn't treat them well. Again...the weight is just a physical manifestation of the bad feelings, whatever they be. Now this is not true for everyone and I know I'm generalizing but it seems to hold true more often than not. I learned a very important lesson when I was married to my second husband. It was that I was better off alone than in a bad marriage. I thought I was lonely when I was single but nothing compares to feeling lonely when your husband is sleeping next to you. That is a horrible feeling and I know what it's like. I'm not advocating anything here...I'm just making an observation. We are good people who have issues. Our issues show up as excess weight but it could be anything else to excess. The difference is that if you drink too much, or do other things that are destructive, others can't see it as easily as they can see a fat person. Our issues happen to show up on the outside very easily but we are no different than anyone else who is struggling with self image, self worth, negativity, and what ever else makes us who we are. Please know that I am not judging, nor am I suggesting anything. I just wanted to say that I feel for anyone who is struggling because we all are struggling in one way or another. My life has turned around 180 degrees since I lost the weight but I also struggle on a regular basis to eat mindfully and to not sabotage all my hard work. I see a therapist because I understood that I had to work on my head along with my body. It's only through that weekly slog through my psyche that I am able to now have a healthy relationship with a man, and to not make some of the same mistakes I've made in the past. If I've learned anything at all, I've learned that I haven't mastered any of this yet...and likely will not ever be able to take any of this for granted. Wishing all of you well. 'Rant' over.

Accountability is a big part of it. I also am accountable by being here and posting about the struggles of maintenance. I too am in a relationship and that impacts just based on eating out more...and yes...the wine. I do many of the same things you do. The trick I'm sure is not throwing the baby out with the bath Water. Gaining a few does not mean gain a ton. We can do this!!

Your title is misleading. I was going to tell you that you know what to do...but you beat me to the punch! Good luck on your journey back to mindful eating!

Wishing you and Dave nothing but the best. You are in my thoughts alot my friend so make sure to take good care of yourself. Liz

The things we do to avoid difficult situations including missing out on so much of life. We turn a blind eye which is why we have so many great NSVs as we get back into the world. I for one, will never let this happen to me again. I lost years by being in pain and immobile. I wish I could get those years back but I know I can't. All I can do is try to make up for lost time.

I think you have to be very specific in what you are and are not looking for. I wanted a man who was intelligent, well rounded, and with a good sense of humor. Those are not easy attributes. I'd find someone with one or even two but all three...nope. Then I found him and nearly tossed him away because I didn't have 'the hots' for him. Over time, I found him more and more what I was looking for and the attraction came about. No...he doesn't knock my socks off, but I had that and it doesn't last and isn't very healthy either. We enjoy intimacy and that's all that matters. As far as the other stuff...what can I say about a man who keeps me engaged and is good with seeing a play, or an opera, or Billy Joel? He likes museums and horseback riding. I have lots of interests and so does he. Later this month we go away together for the first time. I do hope that works as well. How wonderful it would be to have a travel partner. But like I said...I wasn't about to settle. If you can hold to your requirements, you may not get a lot of dates, but you stand a pretty good chance of finding one who can be a real companion rather than an albatross around your neck.

She's looking for attention. Ignore it when she says silly things...

I know it's not my place to try to tell you how to spend your money but alot of people do not see this surgery as life saving except that it is. If you have to give up something else...anything else....in order to be able to meet your minimum then I say do it. There are lots of people who pay the whole cost of the surgery much less the insurance minimum. If this surgery is for the quality of your life, it's worth every penny...YOU are worth every penny. So many of us do not feel we are worthy of anything good. The surgery is a good thing. Don't keep living the way you are. Get it done...even if it costs you because in the end...it will cost you more if you don't do it.

Even if you don't want to, pretend you are interested and start going to these groups. If you don't, he'll find someone who will enjoy them with him. Even better..you'll go and find that you actually do enjoy these social outings. That can help you both tremendously.

Wishing you all the best. Hopefully the surgery will empower you and give you the impetus to resolve many of your other challenges.

I'm not trying to be flip here...I was married a long time and understand how wonderful and difficult marriage is, but after reading these posts, I have to say that there's something to be said for being single.

That's an easy one. Beef stew with carrots and peas..and a few cubes of potato as well. Easy on the gravy but enough to make the meat moist. Yummy cold weather comfort food.

Honey, it's a journey and this is just part of it. Both the weight gain and having to deal with Mr. Wonderful. Try to get him out of your head. He's just taking up space there and doing you no favors. He obviously triggers alot of stuff for you so you have to minimize your interaction with him and minimize any damage he tries to inflict. Keep us in the loop...text if you need support and I know we'll try to be there if not physically, at least virtually.

I dated a guy who also had WLS. It made the eating part easier but my current beau is just a 'naormal' eater and we regularly share when we eat out because truth is, portions are way too big. It really depends on the guy. If he's one of the good ones, it won't matter.

I didn't always know when to stop. I weighed out my food. Still do at times. It worked wonders for me. I hardly ever use larger sized (regular sized) plates, containers, etc. Everything is smaller...and most importantly..I'm smaller. LOL.