DeLarla

Dr. Billy is military when it comes to diet. He doesn't take any crap, and you can't pull anything over on him. One thing I remember is when he asked me why I had cheese in the house. His tone and seriousness may as well have screamed, "WHY THE F DO YOU HAVE CHEESE IN THE HOUSE, LISA, HUH?!" Cheese is evil. As evil as candy. Sure, a slice or couple ounces is an excellent source of protein and much needed dairy, but when's the last time I enjoyed a slender slice of cheese? Cheese just isn't cheese unless it's stretched 2 feet out in front of you or mounded in heaps all melty and lovely. MMM cheeessseee. Stupid cheese. Tick tock, still on hold waiting to make my Gastro appointment. Love those phone recordings saying, "Thank you for holding." Then the girl finally picks up and says, "can you hold a moment.?" Uh, do I have a choice?

I'm feeling better... but I'm still "feeling" if that makes sense. I can feel a little pinchy squeeze of the band. Good news is I jumped through the first hoops sucessfully and get to bypass my primary doc and go straight to Gastro. I should get a prize. I'm on hold now trying to schedule the Gastro appt. Thanks for asking. Sorry for not participating so much, but I'm trying hard to pull away from LBT during work hours since I have a great amount of respect for my job. It's not fair to them, and they've been super understanding of all my Band problems. I'll let you know what happens at the Gastro, but I have a feeling I'll have to study some soap operas for really bad acting skills. If I have to break down and shudder in tears to get an endo, well that's what I'll do!

A duck waddles into the market and asks, "Hey, got any grapes?" The clerk responds, "Sorry, no grapes today." 30 minutes later, same duck waddles into same market and asks same clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?" Disturbed, the clerk shoots a stern glare and says, "NO, we don't have any grapes today." 20 minutes later, same duck waddles in same market and asks same clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?" The Clerk loses his temper and screams at the duck, "No, I don't have any damn grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your flippers to the floor!" 10 minutes later the same duck waddles into the same shop and asks the same clerk, "Hey, got any nails?" The clerk says, "No, we don't carry nails." The duck says, "Good, then do you have any grapes?"

Hey, I'm liking this clinic idea! Yes, I must work on becoming a millionairessesssessss at once-te-sessss!

I thought he looked a little Rod Stewart. He lives in Canada. According to my sister, he's one hellofa nice guy that really, really wants a girlfriend. That's why she asked me to send Patty as a joke. He's apparently got a great sense of humor, because he's paying my sister back for the joke by going to my site for Captian P**** Blow up P****! Too funny!

You took the words right out of my head. It's not just about losing weigh, it's about loving who we are, no matter what we look like. I hope people learn from this post and go buy pretties for themselves.

I want some! I'm going to look for that. Can I put 9 teaspoons of sugar in it? (Ducks.)

P.S. Change your name to Pierced Dimples. You've got the cutest devil grin!

I have carpal tunnel syndrome, so I'm typing with clunky braces on my hands. When I clap it's like boards banging together. Can you hear the noise?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are men here, but they don't talk enough because us women do all the yapping! Guys, come out and play!

I was in the same predicament, hoping one of my insurance companies would cover the band. I felt double cheated since I have two insurance plans (Blue Cross through my work and HPN through my husband’s.) So I started researching other insurance options to see what companies covered it. But in the middle of the insurance battle, I just stood up and yelled, “Fu** INSURANCE!” I was miserable being alive at 315 pounds taking one med to regulate my blood pressure, another for my anxiety, another for my insomnia, and using a breathing machine to keep me alive at night. I wanted to die in my sleep. My life was a tad more valuable than any stupid insurance company, so I did anything and everything to pay for my own damn band. I stopped getting manicures, let my roots grow out, permanently turned the air conditioning down, got a 2nd crappy job, cancelled the lawn guy and the Water delivery, and got a small 2nd mortgage. If I can do it, anyone can. I can see both sides of the story here, but I honestly can't imagine finding an insurance company specifically to get one particular medical treatment. That’s just not how insurance works. If I were an insurance agent and someone called me specifically to buy my insurance just because they wanted a band, I would either turn them down or charge a huge premium or put restrictions, like “no band for 5 years.” I’m not trying to be mean, but I don’t think any insurance company would accept that kind of deal. If you really, really, really want this surgery, you'll find a way. Just don't give up. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Heck, maybe even your current insurance will switch to the band since so many others are. Good luck.

I'm very proud of us. All of us.

PinkMary, one thing you must learn about DeLarla is that PINK RULES and I've got tough skin. I didn't even think of getting offended. DAY 10, no soda, no Cheetos, candy, Cookies, ice cream. Not even a sip of diet. Blah.

One time this really shy pregnant girl at work needed something at my desk. She bent over my desk, and a huge fart ripped out. The poor thing nearly died and avoided me for months. I felt sorry for her. The point is, we are all gross people. We have boogers and belly button lint. We pooh-pooh and pee pee and have ear wax. Don't let gurgles embarass you. Just let people know you are an alien, and if they look at you funny you'll eat their head.

Am I the only one thinking, "YEAH, FIVE SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM!?" Sorry, but I can't support your guilt. I'm just mad that you didn't call me to invite me to be bad with you. I'm crunching my teeth together trying to stay away from goodies. It wouldn't have been hard to pursuade me! You're fine. Just don't do it again tomorrow - wait a day... KIDDING!

I'm watching morning news. An anorexic girl is on TV that's a single mother with 4 children and only eats 500 calories a day. She's crying and saying "I may as well have cancer." But at the same time, she runs a pro-anorexic website. Apparently, there are hundreds out there that encourage girls to be anorexic. She gives them tips and training tools. Many sites get 200,000 hits.

I forgot all about that pain, but yep, I had it. It lasted a long time. It even went away, then came back. Sounds normal.

Well, if I do die, I will my ten thousand dollars worth of sex toys and lingerie to all you fine people! Tell Chris to share... and goodbye, cruel worlddddddddddd! I'm not welcome in Heaven, and Hell doesn't want me. I'm not going anywhere.

I have to jump through endless hoops to see if I can get the endo first, and I plan to have Billy read it (or ask him.) I have a gastro, but NATURALLY my referral expired. So back to my primary I go. Will he just fax an updated referral? Nooooooo. Does he have an appointment this week? HA HA. So I'll wait till next week, sit in his waiting room 2 hours, then he'll spend 27 seconds in my room scribbling a renewal for my Gastro. Then I'll have to make the gastro appointment. My worst favorite five words are, "Spell your last name again." I swear, they act like Bonekovic is the most confusing name on the planet. I feel like getting back at society by hyphenating my maiden name and talking even faster: "I SAID, Kotwica-Bonekovic, did you get that?" I finally figured out an easier solution though. I'm getting my Master's, then I'm going to Medical School for half a decade, then I'll do a 2 year internship, then I'll go back to medical school for 2 more years of specialty bariatrics, then I'll go to Baja for Band training. In 15 more years I can take care of my own band. Sounds easier, no?

Do like Kathy said. Use a sports bottle, hold it over your mouth, and just let one drip into your mouth at a time to wet your mouth. The Water will absorb little by little. I call it my Polish IV. I have a question - since we sweat through our skin, couldn't soaking in a bath allow liquid to penetrate to avoid dehydration in an emergency like this? Even breathing in steam? I would do anything possible to keep hydrated till your stoma settles. Good luck.

I already wrote the news, but they didn't respond. It's like everyone is afraid to take on "the system." Dr. Billy told Penni and I that erosion can look like the tiniest speck that any regular gastro would look right past, and that regular gastro docs overlook erosion all the time. We have to be walking Band Surgeons and learn to read our own scopes n' such! Michelle, I would go with you in a heartbeat, but it would be a waste of my time and money. Dr. Ortiz would do an endo for $250, plus a couple hundred for traveling. But I don't have $5,000 for band removal surgery. If Ortiz found erosion, he'd remove the band. No sense traveling ANYWHERE just to find out I'm eroded. I've been thinking though. Since I'm an alien, and all the weird crap always happens to me, then maybe I'll be the freak that had the 8-month infection that never got erosion. Stranger things have happened!

Oh my gosh, a coldpill nearly killed me one day. I was so friggen sick that I popped a big horsepill. That thing got stuck and sent me to PB hell in a public gas station. It was horrifying. Whatever you take, make sure it's not a big pill!

I didn't have any pain with my original surgery. I didn't have any pain with my port removal. But when Lopez replaced my port and left me with a huge gaping hole, I was doubled over for weeks in pain. OUCH!

Okay, since Zoe has avoided every single request for a real address from me, I didn't get to send her the card. Zoe, I have a card for you. Glad it's all over, and glad the 5 lbs left, too!

Okay, who knows a Plus Size Brazilian was lady in Vegas. I want a Brazilian wax really bad, but I'm too embarrassed that I'd disgusted the skinny wax girl.