DeLarla

Amy, I'm confused why you & Susan are defending Dawg when my topic has nothing to do with him?????? Check out Kim's response if you want a better understanding of where I'm coming from: She recieved a nasty PM from a bible banger when she posted on my vagina thread. Don't Christians have vaginas?

People, not everybody was meant to be thin, otherwise obesity wouldn't exist. I gained 9.5 pounds from my lowest, big whoopee. My body keeps rebounding back to 250 - not 260! Same with Penni, for example. We get into the 230s but feeling hungry all the time drives us crazy, so out of deprivation we go nutzo and eat. Mother Nature wants me around 250 (remember, I'm a 5'10" lumberjack so I can hold more weight that shorties.) Susan, I wasn't lashing out at you, but I'm not happy about your analysis of my anger because it sends confusing messages. Not having the ability to control portions and gaining a few pounds sucks but it's not what's making me angry, so you were enormously inaccurate. I'm pissed for lots of reasons around LBT, one of them being that I can't talk about anal sex with offending the righteous ones, and "obese people" wasn't referring to one or two people - I lost count of how many around here have answers for others that haven't fixed themselves. If I count another calorie, I'm sure to see 300 by summer. But if I eat 3 meals a day, no Snacks, and nothing after my pot roast and baked potato, I'll be one happy hot size 20 bitch. I think I can maintain a good 65-pound loss thanks to the band that I'm NOT upset, nor have I ever been upset, about having removed. But I can't maintain dignity in a board full of hypocrisy.

"Lisa, it sounds to me like you are flat out upset, pissed off and scared that youre gaining weight back. The disappointment in the way things went for you with your band (which wasnt the fault of the band) must be overwhelming. And the fear of gaining the weight back has to be pure hell. I can understand that, and both Paul and I have talked about how badly we feel for you and others who have gone through similar issues and had to lose the band." Susan, you just did exactly what you said everyone else did, which was to take what I wrote and analyze it to mean something else. "You have every right to be angry about what you've gone through, and right now you're lashing out at others because of it" Again, WRONG! I'm not lashing out at anyone because I've gained a few pounds! I'm pointing out that nobody has the answers, nobody is perfect, no morbidly obese person whether past, present or future should claim to know what it takes to be thin, and that "never" means squat. This wasn't a personal attack at your or your husband, so I don't know why you took it that way.

You're a doll, thanks for responding

I was going to start a similar thread, but since the fighting arena has already been set up, here I go. I'm sick of LBT and won't be spending much time here any more. I know I'm about to hurt people I consider friends by saying everything I need to say, but at this point I don't give a damn because I'm RIGHT and that's all there is too it. First and foremost, anyone who comes here thinking they have all the answers is full of W#$@%^. When I read people talking about getting all the bad food out of their house to lose weight I want to throw a coffee mug at the walls (filled with coffee.) I think Nykee said it best when she said she'd just go out and buy something if she really wanted it. Keeping junk food out away from you only works if you live on an and island or some freaky compound with no access to 7-11s and drive through fast food joints. So what if you can avoid junk food while in your house? I don't spend my life indoors. Wal-Fing-Mart isn't even safe because the smell of fresh popcorn kills me. Even the damn beauty parlor passes around trays of Cookies. Movies, casinos, neighbor's & friend's houses, WORK, TV commercials... what about the enormous 18 wheelers we get stuck behind in traffic that have life-size pictures of tantalizing deli spreads or baked goods? Which brings me to the next subject that pissed the hell out of me, which was the whole stupid, "Why do we allow temptation" debate. ALLOW TEMPTATION in itself is a damn oxymoron. That's why it's called temptation, because it tempts, teases, tantalizes, hypnotizes, controls. The human mind is only set up for so much willpower. Some might have more of a military-based thinking system that allows them to hold onto willpower for longer periods of time, but resisting temptation is bullshit. TEMPTATION IS WHAT GOT US ALL F-ING FAT. We are morbidly obese human beings that have never been able to resist temptation. Never! So for anyone banded or better yet, unbanded, to think that our problem is keeping junk food in the house, Pah-leeezzz! Get real. Get honest. Go stand naked in front of the mirror looking at your morbidly obese body and ask yourself again if your problem stems from your spouse keeping potato chips in the kitchen. Which brings me to the next issue of people getting banded then acting holier than thou. Nobody on this board knew how to eat like a normal human, ever. It took risking your life, tons of money, horrible pain yada yada yada to force food out of your mouths. And don't for a second start a new debate about how safe the band is because we all signed medical releases about all the risks, including DEATH. Just the risk of going under anesthesia alone could have killed any one of us, and many of us have gone under several times for port revisions, slippage, band removal, blah blah blah. So put up your dukes if you want, but fight intelligently. I'm not reading any more bullshit around here about resisting temptation or people's fragile feelings getting hurt. Some call me a nasty bitch, others call me a realist. Try being real, you might like where I'm coming from. I don't buy hiding behind religion, either. If you believe in God and live your life according to the bible or whatever one of the thousands of religions that spring up ever day, then remember, God created all. God created me, and he created this fabulous brain. GOD gave me the ability to think and judge and analyze. If the bible says, "Judge not lest yee be judged yourself" then that's just another hypocritical reason I don't believe in the bible, because why would our glorious God give me the ability to judge if he didn't want me to use it? My brain does whatever the hell it wants to do, which is to pick apart lies, bullshit and deceit. I can't stand coming to LBT and knowing that big fat naked people suddenly have the answer to losing weight or keeping it off for good. We aren't psychics (or if there's one here, please PM me your number because I need a reading.) Am I pissed? Hell yes I'm pissed. I don't miss my band because it put me through hell. I hated eating tiny little portions and upchucking every time a niblet got stuck, but I loved the results. Now that it's gone, I'm struggling and gaining weight. I will not have a bypass since a handgun to the head is much cheaper and less stressful. No, this isn't a suicide note ~ I would never hurt my family that way, but it sure sounds easier than all this. If you can't handle adult topics then stay out of threads that have XXX or SEX in the title! Every one of us has a penis or a vagina, and a small fraction have a combo of both. We orgasm, masturbate, screw, give head and based on the amount of Anal Ease, Anal Jelly Beads, Anal Stimulators, Body Butter anal lubricant and anal vibrators that I sell every week, millions of people are getting it up the butt. So if that's too much for you to handle then shut off your TV, unplug your Internet, lock up your daughters and wives and live in denial. Is LBT the right forum for this stuff? Who knows? Who here is perfect (well, I know one person who thinks he is) but has anyone here been given some special key of knowledge? Do you own the one and only book of what we as humans are supposed to act like? Do we have a Cherry 2000 in the room? I THINK NOT! This is supposed to be a weight loss support group. I’m not fat because of the way I eat. I’m fat because the way I think. So if I can’t discuss any and all of the thoughts that make me “ME” in a weight loss support group, then fuck it. I feel much better. As a matter of fact, that felt damn good. And to anybody that might be offended or hurt by what I just wrote, frankly, I don’t give a damn.

Pizza wins. I've sprayed my office, the halls, and the kitchen twice because F-ing ERIN is toasting her morning pizza in the toaster oven. I'm "this" close to opening the toaster oven and emptying my can of Lemon Citrus Room Freshener all over her pizza! Don't get me wrong, I love my Watkins, but pizza is sadly more powerful. Not even air freshener makes the smell go away. And instead of working, I'm back at LBT bitching venting because I'm having a rough time with food this week. (%&*%^)_+%&*%^@%&&^@#$%#$@#$@%^&^@*()))*%&

FOR THE STRONG ONLY... GROSS PICTURES ATTACHED OF MY NEW OPEN SURGICAL WOUND. Darcy, this one's for you. My wound was left open intentionally. It is packed with several feet of gauze that is packed way into the gap that was left behind from the port. Billy will remove the packing today and replace it with several feet of fresh gauze, and my friend back home will unpack and repack the wound every day. The object is for it to heal from the inside, out. So, hopefully the inches of gauze will get a tad smaller every day. Dr. Billy opened the port incision to clean it and to remove the port. He also made small slits in 2 of my original wounds (you can see bits of white Steri-Strips) to insert the camera for the laporscopy (sp?) and he made one brand new incision... can you find it? Nope, cuz he was nice enough to hide it inside my belly button, so when it heals it will be completely concealed. Get your barf bags... Darcy, enjoy. Photographs by NPM (Nurse Penni Money)

MONTEREY! I've been around here for around 2 years and have never heard one single negative thing about Dr. Rumbault in Monterey, plus you can't compare the Monterey facility to anything I've seen in Tijuana (I had 3 bad surgeries in Tijuana, Kuri made a mistake on me.) I'm not saying Kuri's a bad doctor or that I know Rumbault, but keep researching because Rumbault's reputation is impecable around here from what I've seen.

Let's just say somebody was VERY generous to Adam, which is prolly why he felt the need to share his gift. Stupid me, I've got lots of home video of him from those days but not of the Whomper. Damn, another lost opportunity for financial freedom! Extortion, baby! I personally thought a vagina thread would bring out some real issues. I have a couple very real vagina issues, like sometimes I have to brace myself and clench my hoo-hoo when I sneeze or a lil pee pee escapes. It's gotten much better with weight loss, but now I'm using BenWa Balls to tighten my vaginal muscles so I can have a more fun playground for me and he! I have other vagina issues, too. Since I was bold enough to start this thread, I have a question for Tummy Tuck people. When they do the tuck, do they pull up the skin from below to elongate the "playground" and make it more youthful looking? And I really am offended by religious threads (there's plenty of religious websites out there for that kind of thing.) But I love that everyone here can have their own threads since everyone we are, everything we do and every nuance of our lives contributes to our eating disorders/obesity. I would NEVER post negativity in someone's Jesus thread so I'm glad this one isn't getting slammed.

I've been crying every 10 minutes because I can't stop laughing from last night ~ I just gotta share with you gals. I did a Slumber Party last night and asked a shy girl in a skirt if she'd help me try out a new brand of panties. I asked her to slip them over her panties and wear them for 20 minutes to see if they fit as well as the designer said. She was nice and happy to help. Nobody else knew except my hostess. Five minutes into my demonstration, the girl in the panties turned bright red, threw her head back and started laughing so uncontrollably that I nearly died laughing myself. NOBODY knew what was going on, but the whole room was screaming in laughter trying to figure out why Shy Girl was writhing and cackling and holding onto her chair. One girl fell off her chair pounding her fists into the floor laughing so hard.. SO funny! Shy Girl was wearing Remote Control Panties, and the hostess had the remote control. Nobody (not even me) could tell when the hostess would turn them on till the girl started up agin. I can't stop cracking up this morning. There's a little buzzer vibe in the crotch that turned Shy Girl into "I'm Not Giving These Panties Back!" girl. I can't wait till my next party ~ I wish I could video it for ya'll!

We started this LBT list of fun parts a long time ago... here it is again GIRLS BOYS Giblets One Eyed Trouser Mouse Nooner Schnolakaupft Punani Whammer Coochie Pecker Hoo-Hoo Weiner Cooter Mangina Ting Tang Hoo Hoo Susie Schlong Pootie Twig n’ Berries Chachee Peter NooNoo Slammer Kitty Poofie Pinky Doorbell Po-Po Gina Felix Fachina (new one) And my favorite, Ax Wound!

Hey Creepy Chick, I'm doing 2 Slumber Parties this weekend so I'll pay close attention to the quietest tool. When I get to they toy part, I yell, "What Time Is It?" Nobody ever gets that joke. IT'S TOOL TIME! Hmm, should I PM the quietest toy to Porc or post it publicly... decisions, decisions.

I think everything's been covered here except YABBA DABBA DOOO! Far out, groovy, right on, bitchen and lots of high fives from the desert!

Celebrities prance around in their diamonds screaming, "Look at me, Look at me" then get offended when we look at them.

WHO CARES? It's about time we pay men back for our daily torture! Get him!

"Kare, I'm taking that as a personal challenge. I, thinjen, promise to post at least one funny thing each month. And if I can't come up with anything, I'll just cut and paste the Jimmy Hoffa comment. I use humor to mask my sad, pathetic life....I've got a million of them." So, exactly how much are Depends? Do they come in size L (Lumberjack?)

Vooey & Sissy will send some treats if you PM them your address. I hate humans that hate animals. I mean HATE... so if any of you that are my friends secretly hate animals, you better stop now and send Megan some dog food!

I can't believe I missed this thread. Yeah, Jenna, like I'll stay away? Hey, I happen to know where you can get a new bullet! Plug plug plug. I once shoved a One Eyed Jack in my girl parts and saw God.

Most of you know my Mom was recently released from the Funny Farm, right? Well, I get these letters every couple months that are sad and depressing but often with a funny twist. I'll try finding the letter and posting her exact story, but if memory serves me well, it goes something like this: Dear Lisa (3 pages of government corruption, tax protesting, insulting every single family member for the pieces of doody they are, yada yada...) New paragraph: Last week I was awakened by a horrendous pain in my ear. It was freezing since I live in the basement (some millionaire, hey?) and Uncle Nootchie, who lives upstairs, intentionally floods his toilet into my room by eating too much junk food so his bowel movements can't flush. The pain was so severe that I began jumping up and down to alleviate it on the cold, wet, basement floor. Jumping up and down didn't help, so I rushed to the bathroom (where the flooding urine stained the wall) and poured warm Water into my ear while cocking my head sideways, but still no relief, so I began jumping up and down again while cupping the warm water in my ear. The pain became more excruciating and my ear began ringing so I poured Olive Oil in my ear (other oils will kill you, the government wants to kill us so they can get our money for their Devil satanic rituals.) The olive oil didn't help, so again I cocked my head, cupped my ear and jumped frantically up and down in my dungeon. Doctors are murderers but I went to the hospital anyway, where the doctor used long tweezers to pull out a Japanese Beatle. I laughed loud because I forgot I was working in the garden that day when the beetle probably needed a warm home. The pain went away so I asked for the beetle so I could leave, but the crook wouldn't allow me to keep MY J-BEATLE! I argued the doctor that it belongs to ME (even though it had died after going the wrong direction in my ear, he was probably trying to get warmer then got confused and couldn't find his way out.) The doctor insisted that J-Beatles are the property of the hospital, and since doctors are in conspiracy with the IRS, they wanted my J-Beatle AND all my property! So I pretended I was going to leave but the I GRABBED my J-Beatle and started running fast through the corridor but then the hospital security guard caught me. I wasn't leaving that place without my J-Beatle so I let him know that. I think they were scaring the other patients so the security guard finally told me to leave with my J-Beatle."

SMOKE IT! Okay, that was just some badly needed comic relief. When I found out my neighbor's kids are smoking dope, it simply broke my heart. Flush it down the toilet, then tell your kid you put it where it belongs!

I have no control over what I do, Paula. I figured you knew that by now? Meanwhile, I'm cracking up that 7 people voted that I shouldn't start a Vagina Thread. Hello? THIS IS A VAGINA THREAD! Ha Ha, joke's on you! Meanwhile - this one goes down in LBT's Funniest #$@& of the year! "I should call my husband's unit, Jimmy Hoffa. Been a while since I've seen him."

During his stand-up days (when he was just startin SNL) we lived in the same apartment. He begged me to come in to "show me something." I walked in telling him to show me how to clean up his pigpen (what's with guys and empty pizza boxes?) Instead he dropped trow. I left shaking my head, what a dork. My roommates laughed their asses off that I fell for it, so apparently that was his thing to do back then.

"I am waiting for BigPaul to "not" read this thread...." Thanks, HEATHER! Now I gotta start an "I wet my panties" thread.

I saw Adam Sandler's penis.

My husband said his penis reduction surgery wasn't too painful. FYI.