Babysteppin

I start my 2 week liquid pre-op diet on Thursday. I'm going to sort of ease myself into the liquid diet starting today. I had a strawberry body fortress shake instead of eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast. (I made mine with unsweetened almond milk and a splash of vanilla creamer - the creamer makes it SO MUCH BETTER), I'm having yogurt and maybe a cheese stick for lunch. And I have some Gardein Turk'y that I'll have for dinner with some asparagus. Then a shake if I'm hungry later.
 
Since I started my journey, I have been focused on what I had to do to get approved for surgery, not what I had to do to get prepared for surgery. Some of these things go hand in hand - like changing your eating habits, losing a bit of weight, increasing exercise - but I have definitely not focused much on the emotional journey I'm about to go on. I've been more focused on the physical journey and the financial one.
 
As a result, I had the tiniest of meltdowns at Walmart last night. I was doing "post op prep shopping" and it was like everything I picked up led me to unpleasant thoughts about what I'll be dealing with in just a matter of weeks. It started when I was at home and went online to make purchases from various sites for vitamins, supplements, protein powders, storage containers, etc. I mean, I spent nearly $200 right there simply because I'm definitely a sucker for "buy more, save more" specials. Even though I had a pretty long list going into the store, something about seeing these things pile up was just... overwhelming for about 22 seconds. I spend a good 45 minutes in the "Health" area - picking out gauze, tape, bandaids, ointment, lotions and a lot of other things like Milk of Magnesia, liquid Imodium, fiber gummies, Gas-X strips... just so much stuff. Just in case kinda stuff that I've seen over and over again in these forums that people need. And it's taking me a long time to get these things because I don't use any of these things now. I have a first aid kit that barely gets used... I don't currently get constipated, I don't get gassy, I don't get reflux, I don't get diarrhea... but I'm about to do something to myself, VOLUNTARILY, that will probably give me all of this and more, in combination with each other.
 
And yet, I read over and over that people suffer through this and don't regret a single thing because it got them to where they want to be.
 
So all of this went racing through my mind as I was in front of the fiber supplements (the last thing on my list for that section, the top shelf of the cart overflowing with all this stuff). No one was really around, so I sort of let myself go, for just a few seconds. I let out a deep breath and about 4 tears popped out of my eyes and I was done. I took another deep breath, wiped my tears, and picked out some fiber gummies.
 
Did I come this far to back out? No.
Do I want to stay where I'm at instead of having surgery? No.
 
So I'm ready to face the emotions. This pre-op fear? Well, I'm as prepared as I can be. There's actually a lot of comfort in that. Expect the best, fear the worst. That fear is making sure I'm darn prepared so I don't have to bother going out and getting what I need when I'm already in trouble!
 
Things are only going to get better... and better...

It's getting closer to my date and I am more excited than nervous thankfully. Luckily or maybe not so, I have had major surgery before where I have been cut open front and back ( spinal surgery for inquiring minds) and I had no complications, healed up very quickly. so I know I tolerate anesthesa well just not the morphine pump, hopefully, I won't be in too much pain. I am more nervous about the liquid diet and nawing off my left arm while I am asleep due to the food depravation . I am left handed so that would be a big problem. I am more nervous about afterward, like what if I don't lose weight? My mother says (she's a nurse) that it is impossible but that irrational fear is still there. I am looking at this surgery as the last option so if it doesn't work, what then? But for the most part I am confident it will work if I work it. I am really looking forward to eating less, I have done enough eating for a few lifetimes. I rather live my life fully now.
God Bless you all,
Love Linsey!