Amber_banded052312

My story is probably like most everyone else's on here. We all have our ups and downs and reasons for our weight gain and subsequent diet failures. My life has been anything but easy and well honestly I don't know if I was made for easy anyway.

It all started back in yesteryear. Okay, so you didn't want me to go that far back?!?!? LOL! I have been overweight as far back as I can remember. I was "skinny" as a child until somewhere around the age of 5 or 6. Honestly, since I didn't keep a journal, my life as I know it is just a bunch of memories that might be skewed by hurt and hostility along the way.
Basically, my father and mother were too young from the beginning. My mom had my older sister when she was 16 and me when she was 23. They divorced when I was 2. So, my mom became a single mom to two girls at the age of 25. She didn't get her "childhood" I suppose and that would lead to her then feeling the need to go out and party every weekend. I got to grow up living at my grandparents house. Not hating on my mom and dad for that. I love my cousins and am thankful that I was able to grow up with them. However, my relationship with my dad was a strained one. A girl just wants to be loved by her daddy. My dad chose to be with another woman. One that once told me that she didn't like kids. This would explain why she left her own child in jail for a year or two and didn't bother to even talk about it. I can't even remember knowing that she ever had a kid. It wasn't my dad's kid so I suppose that is all that I cared about. I digress. My dad took my older sister and me from my mom during their divorcing times and wouldn't give us back until she gave up the house, the car and the right to real child support. We got stuck living at my grandparents house with my dad only having to pay $75 for two kids. The state often took $25 for their "fee" and so we would get a $50 check. That didn't even cover clothes for one of us. My dad would take us shopping for clothes once a year, but we would be too afraid to spend too much and so we would get the bare minimum so that we wouldn't put him out. My dad was doing pretty good for himself. He was a repo driver at the time. So, money really wasn't an issue for him. But, apparently coming and getting his kids every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend were. I often sat by the window and looked out waiting on my dad to come and get me. When he finally would, I would end up being verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by my step monster. They never married, so she really was never my step mother. They are still together. More convenience now I think. Again, I digress. I used to blame my mother for my father not being there. I wouldn't ever tell him how I felt because I didn't want him to NOT come get me. So here I am at 34 almost 35 and I still haven't talked to my dad about the past, because honestly, it is rather late for that. I have to accept that we have a relationship now and while I still harbor some sad feelings about how I grew up with him not really there, I am blessed to have him in my life now.
My mom got knocked up with my younger sister when I was 11 and had her when I was 12. She then married my sister's father in 1998. I seemingly had a closer relationship with my younger sister since I was the instant live in babysitter. My step dad supported my mom, my sister and me nicely. Seemingly everything was okay.
I would say that my life tragedies and changes started when my grandpa passed in 1998. It hasn't been the same since. Then, my life got changed forever when I got pregnant at 30 turning 31. The father of my child decided to be ****** and automatically screamed he wanted a paternity test and wouldn't have anything to do with me or the pregnancy. He ran back to his estranged wife (I didn't know they weren't fully divorced. The little things really matter.) It was cheaper to keep her dumb and happy than to deal with me and our child. She didn't even find out about the baby until she got the child support paternity test in the mail when my son was 3 months old. Real man with special values and morals I tell you. Life has been a battle with him ever since.
I lost my older sister to a brain anuersym in March of 2010 and then my mom in April of 2010 only 3 weeks after we buried my sister. It has been a rough road. I often wonder how I have managed to function. Actually, being on depression medicine since being released from having my son, I guess helped. I had ppd that I think had more to do with baby daddy not being there to support me while our son was in the NICU and then me blaming myself that my child was in the NICU because I had gestational diabetes because I was a lard ass. I was 305lbs. when I got pregnant with my son. I was 340 by the time I had him. Lost all the pregnancy weight within a few weeks. I was struggling as a new mom, a single mom and a having to work mom. Struggling because I felt like I was failing because I was so stressed about paying bills and taking care of my child and having to go back to work part time only 2 weeks after having a c-section because I needed the money to support us. The dosage of my depression meds increased when I lost my sister and then again when I had to make the decision to take my mom off life support. I know I did an act of love and compassion by letting her go, but at the same time for a long time I felt like I killed my mom. Gosh, I get teary eyed just typing that! Anyway, life as I know it seems to be getting better.
One of my very best friends got the gastric bypass the week my sister was buried and then another friend of mine got the lap-band in October 2011. After seeing their weight loss and how they have adapted and struggles and triumphs, I chose the Lap-Band procedure for myself.
The company I work for is a small company and so while I have decent insurance, it has a direct exclusion to weight loss surgery. This is how they keep the cost down on the premiums since my company pays 100% of employee insurance. I am blessed that I have been at the same company since 1999. I was denied the financing on the entire $9888, but was able to get financing on $5500. So, my bosses gave me a bonus of $4288. I did everything I needed to do to proceed and the surgery date came fast. At the time, being that I was on the pre-op diet since the beginning of May I thought it was taking forever, but now I see it was a rather fast turn around. From my initial visit to surgery day was less than 30 days!
I lost 12lbs on the pre-op diet but felt like I was starving! Now, doing the pre-op diet to get back on track isn't so bad since I feel fuller longer and with less.
I am now 4 months post op and 30lbs down. I am not sure how many inches, but I am down 1 jean size and I can fit in the next size down, but it is a tight fit. Not something I am ready to get in just yet. I have to admit, we are our own worst critics. I still see that 355lb girl when I look in the mirror. I am not sure when that will change, but for now, this is my journey and this is where I am. I am feeling better now that I am not diabetic anymore. I have more energy for my son and overall I feel like this was the best choice I've made since having my kid!