destynee1

When we are little we believe that anything is possible-- santa can visit every house in one night, the tooth fairy brings us money for our teeth, the Easter bunny, ect. As little kids we see the world full of wonderful possibilities just waiting for us.
 
However, as we grow we begin to loose the rose colored glasses and become jaded by the reality of the world we live in. Happily ever after doesn't exist and things aren't always perfect- now I am not say things can't be good because they can be, but not every moment of every day and not every relationship is perfect all the time.
 
As a kid I never imagined I would become so large. I was so small until I turned 5. As I began to gain weight I would ask my mom sometimes why I was fat. She would just say I would grow out of it, after all my cousin did. I accepted that and went on. Well puberty came and went as did the teen years and I was still fat. I never grew out of it. What I didn't know is that my cousin put forth a great deal of effort in her preteens to shed the weight- all I knew was that she went from fat to skinny in what seemed like a summer and became a beautiful girl. That wasn't to be my story.
 
Now that I have admitted that I have a food problem and needed help, got banded and begun my journey- it is hard to belive I will ever reach my goal. The first 5 months the weight seemed to fly off 45 lbs- awesome, but now the loss has slowed almost plateaued and I find myself begining to worry that I may never reach my elusive dream weight (140).
 
I know that I should believe in myself, my band, my doctor and nutritionist, but it's hard when every other attempt I have made to loose weight has failed. Realistically I know it is different this time, I am not on a diet with a fixed end date, I am changing my life style one day at a time. I am making new habits, healthy ones that in time I hope will stick. Some things have been easy like giving up pop (soda), not drinking with meals, drinking water, even eating less at a meal. Some things though haven't been as easy, letting go of my salty snack of party mix (that stuff is addictive and it is my major weakness), not baking so I won't eat the sweets, not eating steak (just doesn't work well with my band).
 
Slowly, but surely I am making a change to a better way of life that in time hopefully will become habit. However, there is still that little voice of insecurity in the back of my head saying you won't do it, you will gain all that weight back, you are destine to be a fat girl forever (insert menacing laugh here)!! I fight every day to squash that voice and to believe that I will make it. After all I have lost 45 lbs and I am moving more and eating less.
 
So for now I am going to keep saying I believe in me, until I do!!

My mother says I have never been very patient, I was even born a month early.
 
I believe the reason I have never been successful at weight loss was my lack of patience. Most of you can likely sympathize with working really hard to lose weight and after a couple weeks only a pound or half pound and finally you say forget it where is the pizza. This has been the case with me each time.
 
With the band it has been different. My bandversary is Dec. 22 and will be 6 months. As of right now I am 45 lbs down and feeling good. Of course I wish I was down more. I have tried to be realistic in these months and eat healthy, but not totally limit myself from things I love, because I know that isn't possible to do forever. Therefore, I will highly restrict myself with things that I know aren't the best for me.
 
For the last two months though my weight loss has slowed. Last month I only lost 2 lbs and so far this month only 2. I have started back working out and counting my calories to make sure I am using more calories than I am taking in.
 
At one point I had a goal of getting to the 160's by April 1st. My husband and I are taking a trip to Disney, I've never been and my husband hasn't since he was a kid, so we are excited to get away. However, it's Dec. 13th and I am sitting at 199, which is great - finally below 200- but I do not thing it is possible loose 40 lbs in 4 months or rather possible for me. My first month I lost 20 lbs, after that it slowed and my best month since was 8 lbs lost, which was Oct. I do not want to discourage myself my setting a goal that is likely unattainable. So, I have decided that I am going to stay on the lapband path taking one step at the time and I will reach my final goal of 140's when I do- it may be a year from now, but I will get there.
 
I must keep my motivation up and stay strong. During the holidays I must admit I am finding it harder that before. Last night I made 4 batches of snickerdoodle party mix- my hubby had a work Christmas party today and wanted me to make it. So, I made it. I sent him to work with half of it and I bagged up the remainder and gave it to coworkers as gifts - after all if they gain a weight it will just make me look smaller (evil I know- jk). I do not want to tempt myself with treats that are not healthy.
 
For once in my life I want to give my body what it needs rather than what it wants!!

I think we all either have or will run into bumps in the lapband journey and we will all handle them in our own way.
 
I was banded June 22- the first week of Dec. I hit 199- Onederland- after starting at 244. The month of Nov. I only lost 2 lbs. and I fear Dec will be the same. My doctor says that isn't really a plateau and to not stress about it, easy for his 130 lbs runners body to say.
 
Granted, I haven't worked out must this last month. I have been busy with work (new system), getting ready for Christmas, Christmas parties and get togethers, and general household duties. I know there should be no excuses. However, when I get up at 5 am and and I don't stop going until 8:30 pm, that is all my body can give. As soon as my butt hits the chair I am asleep. Yesterday, it all caught up to me. Saturday night after our dinner party my head started hurting. I went to bed about 10 with it killing me. Woke of at midnight thinking I was going to have to go to the ER. I got some advil and took some. Woke up at 2 still killing me, but no worse. Again same thing at 5 and 6. I ended up not getting out of bed till noon. After that I felt groggy and like I'd been hit by a freight train. My hubs pointed out that maybe I needed the rest after running at such a rate for the last month and a half.
 
Today I am better, but frustrated. My weight is stalled in the 199-200 zone. I do weight daily, which I know many say don't do, but I track my trends. Since Dec. 2 my weight has been bouncing between 199.2 and 200.8. I have started back counting calories in the last week and my calorie counts daily stay between 1150 and 1300, most days closer to the 1200 mark. My fit bit says I am buring some where around 2000 calories a day so I should be losing around 1 lb a week at the least. But, I'm not. I am staying still.
 
I went to the doctor last week and it appears my thyroid is slightly off. I am going back this week to discuss meds. WTH- my thyroid wasn't off before surgery how the heck is it off now. No more than my thyroid is off my doctor says that shouldn't be causing a weight issue.
 
All this has gotten me down and frustrated and made all my fears resurface. Have I lost all I will loose? Am I destined to always be the fat chick? Can I do this? Am I failing my band? What am I doing wrong? Am I going to gain all my weight back?
 
I am freaking out right now. I want this so bad, but when I am doing what I suppose to (eating less moving more) and not losing I get so discouraged.

If you are anything like me your weight has held you back from enjoying many things.
 
Since childhood I avoided crowds, parties, public to hopefully avoid being picked on. The first time I ever traveled was when I was 22 years old. I went to New Orleans to see my cousin, my first time out of NC/VA and my first time on a plane. Since I have traveled to Vegas, Nashville, and California's Sierras. I love to travel, but some places I still wouldn't go due to my weight- beaches, warm places, where a bathing suit would be expected.
 
I also didn't go into fancy clothing stores, I just got my clothes at walmart. I was afraid of what the sales ladies would think of me walking in a upscale store.
 
Now, I have lost 45 lbs, I am 32 years old and I am sick and tired of not living due to my weight. So even though I have not reached my goal, I am going to LIVE!!!
 
I have always wanted to go to Disney and Seaworld, but never did due to the walking discomfort fear and all the people. Well, I booked the hubs and I a week trip to Disney for April. Mickey here we come!! I plan to do the things I have always wanted to do, not more holding back.
 
It's my time! I don't want to look back 40 years from now with regrets. I considered lapband 10 years ago, but didn't do it because my family wasn't supportive, I wish I would have told them on board or not I am doing it.
 
Next fall we are going back to Louisana (his family is there), maybe New York in the next year. No more holding back and waiting for xyz to take place. I am alive and here now, so I am going to LIVE!

Had my quarterly follow up with my oncologist on Thursday and mentioned the 'Jill's Rules' as applies to eating. He urged me to go see my WLS and I did on Friday. I was ashamed that I'd gotten down to 216 and have been now hovering at 223 - 227 since July and have been blaming myself for not trying hard enough. When I laid this all out to my WLS, he assured me that it wasn't me, it was the band and told me I should've come in when this first started. He took all the fluid out of the band(4cc) and I'm to follow up with him on Monday. He's concerned that my stomach has mushroomed over the band and that due to the amount of time I waited before coming in, I may have scar tissue which would mean additional surgery. So far so good though - was able to eat an english muffin and a scrambled egg for breakfast yesterday in 20 minutes and actually got to go out to dinner with my husband, eat while sitting down and wearing a bra without having to run to the bathroom in agony. It felt so good to feel normal I almost cried!

Wow are we a judgmental bunch! I read these blogs daily and daily I become more and more frustrated with the lack of sensitivity we show for one another. And I am sure someone will slam me today for this blog but honestly I really do not give a flip. We all come to this site for help, think about it ladies and gentleman none of us could do this on our own. Not one of us could lose weight and keep it off. Each of us has our own personal set of reasons as to why we are obese, read the paper, listen to the news, As a society we are getting more obese daily, our eating life styles have to change if we want to succeed with any WLS and face it this is HARD. Some of us have been very successful and some of us are still struggling. Some people may never be successful because they can't get the physiological side of this process hard wired. What do I mean by that statement, eating correctly is half the battle! I am fortunate, I have lost all my weight, well don't pat me on the back too fast. I still struggle daily just like I did at 252 pounds, I wake up every morning knowing that I have to work every minute of the day on eating right. The rest of the world is not on my plan, the rest of the world could care less that I can't eat certain foods or certain foods make me throw up. My point folks is this, we have to help each other. Some of us get this really easy and quick and some of us are really hard headed and may never get this. But honestly is it not worth trying to coach one another and having a little patience, compassion and human dignity. After all remember we were all once the fat person in the mirror and the whole world has been judging us for a long time, thinking we just sit around and eat bon bon's and stuff our faces. As we become thin, please don't let us become the people who have judged us for so long.
 
In my line of work I am required to take sensitivity training, maybe we could all benefit from a little training! Sad we have to teach adults to be nice, no wonder our world is surrounded by so much evil and violence.
 
So my topic who is to blame, only us and if we choose to fail we have no one to blame but our selves, just look in the mirror!
 
Lapband is not for everyone, WLS is not for everyone, Surgery does not work for everyone and you and your surgeon can determine what is best for YOU!

If my day is really busy I will eat lunch at my desk and continue to work. This was the case today.
 
My lunch was meat & cheese rolled up and baby carrots, had this many times. So I’m eating and working….about half way into lunch I get the soft stop feeling. Okay, I stop. I then get the heavy chest feeling, something is trying to go down. This feeling stayed with me most of the afternoon.
 
At 4pm I made myself a cup of hot tea, black tea with cream & splenda (It’s the English in me). I’m sipping my tea and I get the soft stop feeling….hummm, never got that with liquids before. I wait a few minutes and take another sip, get the soft stop feeling again. This time it’s followed up with saliva building in my mouth.
 
TO THE BATHROOM I GO!
 
Yep, I pb’d that tea right up along with carrots (sorry if TMI). Well, I guess I got stuck at lunch and finally got it out 4 hours later…..
 
My Yellow Rose (my band) started talking to me after that & this is what she said, “See what happens when you don’t chew your food enough. See what happens when you don’t pay attention to what you are eating. See what happens when you eat too fast.”
 
Wow, wasn’t expecting that. But, hay it happens. Sorry Yellow Rose, guess I won’t be eating that Mahi Mahi I planned for dinner. ..
 
“Nope, I want liquids. I’ll teach you not to chew your food!”
 
So, I am having a protein shake for dinner.

So I recieved a call from my plastic surgeon's assistant this morning.... I have my pre op appointment late this afternoon as my tummy tuck and breast lift is next Tuesday.... She wanted to remind me to bring in a picture of how I would like my girls to look after surgery. I told her I found a pic online and will bring it with me.
 
Of course what I didnt tell her was that it was hysterical doing it.... I have never looked at so many breasts in my life... I never realized how weird it was to analyze them, try to imagine how they will look on my body etc... And of course I had to incluide hubby in my quest for the perfect breast.... who really thought it didnt matter as long as I was happy. So he was no help. LOL
 
I narrowed it down to 2 pics of people who had lifts after weight loss, who were over 45, over 5'7 and about 157 lbs..... basically ones I thought looked natural and were about my size and shape... we'll see what the Dr says.
 
One more chapter in this fun journey.....

I have been posting in the forums for several years and never even noticed the blog feature... but recently I am seeing that everyone is blogging.. so thought I would try it out.
 
This week my patience has been tried on the forums so maybe I need to be more selective in replying to certain posts and use a blog to vent... something to think about....
 
Have to go to my office Christmas party in 30 minutes.... I will stand around with my pretty glass of water with lemon and watch everyone stuff their faces on rich fatty appetizers... And tomorrow I will still be in my new found size 8s and they will be thinking of how to shed the bloat from their over induldging. Life is good!

So my doctor wants me to change my mindset, think maintenance instead of weight loss…
 
What does that mean?
 
I am finally comfortable with my portion sizes and my band. I don’t get stuck or pb, I can eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, I can eat any foods, I eat 1200 calories a day and I don’t feel hungry between meals.
 
For me, it means nothing changes. I lost my weight with my band more on the loose side than the tight side and therefore my body will settle and I’ll stop loosing (that’s what my doctor says). Probably around the weight of 170-175 lbs.
 
That’s the physical part, but what about the mental part? How does the head handle maintenance?? What if I can’t keep the weight off? What if I fail and gain weight back? I can’t fail; I've worked too hard to get here. But, what if??? Man, the head is my biggest obstacle.
 
I have to get a hold of my thoughts. I know I can do this. Per my doctor, nothing has changed. I still have the same fill; I still eat my cup of food, 3-4 ozs protein, ½ cup veggies. I still drink my water. I still exercise. I am at goal and it’s just another number on the scale.
 
I'm just at the next chapter in my banded lifestyle.

Well I just thought I would blog a little tonight. We have all made it through Thanksgiving but we still have Christmas and New Years to survive and oh let's not forget all the wonderful goodies that will be floating around the office and at families and friends houses all holiday season... So that is what brings me to my topic today: Fad diets and Lap Band, "This is not a Diet"
 
First I have a couple of questions:
1. How many of you have stopped losing and felt frustrated with the band?
2. How many of you have been so frustrated that you were tempted to fall right back into the dieting yo-yo behaviors of the past?
3. How many of you have been tempted to just leave your band a little tight so you would lose weight faster?
4. How many of you have been tempted to go back to phase one of eating, you know shakes,liquidsiguids, etc?
5. How many of you have been so desperate to see that scale move that you would just about try anything?
 
Well if this is YOU, than STOP!
 
Living with Lapband is not about fad diets and continuing some of the same behaviors that got us to this point in the first place. This is a life style change and none of us got obese over night, so why do we expect to become thin over night. Simple: It is just human nature and we live in an instant gratification superficial society. I posted a book in a blog several months ago and I am reposting tonight for those of you who want to continue to use your lap band as the tool it was intended. This was a book written by a lap band surgeon after studying patients who were committed to losing 90-100% of their excess body weight.
 
I was one of those people who was stalled, no matter what I did the scale sat there and taunted me with the same numbers day after day. I was one of those who looked over and over my diary sheets trying to find out what I was doing wrong. So why didn't the scale move? To lose weight you have to eat 3500 calories less than your body needs to drop "1" pound. Now does everyone really understand what that means, I didn't. Well that's not true, I had read that before and I did know it but I didn't really get "it". Basically you have to eat less and do more but there is a perfect balance of how many calories you need to take in so your body does not think you are starving. Everyone needs to know what their BMR is and understand what that means. This is the amount of calories your body needs just to maintain a normal day of sleeping, eating, working and playing. Everyone;s is different and based on how active you are. I have a sedentary life style, I work in an office and I am basically inactive 10-12 hours a day, moderately active about 2 hours a day and maybe very active about 1 hour a day (if I go to the gym)
I really began to understand this once I started wearing my Fit Bit and it took me weeks even wearing this before I really understood why my scales were not moving. I was eating band friendly foods, eating within my allotted calories and portions but the scale would move small increments or not at all. When I started to really analyze my intake and activity I finally started to realize i was losing what was expected due to my intake and my activity. Well I knew i was not going to eat less so I made a decision to be more active. I increased my protein intake, did cardio 5 days a week and strength training 3 days a week. Basically I became recommitted to my band and to living healthy. I had the eating part down but the activity part I still struggled with, I was inconsistant with my exercise and the level and intensity of the exercise.
 
This is not an easy journey by far but it is achievable with dedication, accountability and true grit!
 
No one told us this would be easy!
No one told us this would happen over night!
And they did tell us we would have to follow the rules and learn to make the band work for us. Key words, "Make the Band Work for Us!"
 
So for all you Newbies out there please realize that success with Lap Band can be a reality, it does take hard work and it is worth every new lesson you learn along the way. When reading the forums learn from both the postive and the negative, there is something that can be learned from everyones successes and failures.
 
So as promised, attached is the book by Dr. Simpson, "The Last 30 Pounds" .
 
Wishing everyone a Very Happy Holiday Season, and remember this is not a "DIEt"
 
 
 
The Last 30 Pounds.pdf

Hum, I "think" I'm FINALLY starting to get the swing of this hole lap-band lifestyle. Whaaat? It's only been 3 months. So, I'm apparently a slooooow learner.
 
This last week has been a real dousy. I received my 3rd fill a week ago today. It was .75 cc's on top of already 8cc fill (from 2 prior fills). This time, this last fill kicked my a$$. I was having a hard time eating & drinking and would get that awesome stuck feeling in the chest, right above the stomach. Oh, so pleasant. Needless to say, I lost 5 pds from last Monday through today, but not the way I want to be.
 
With that said, let me explain why I "think" that I finally got it. While I was eating MUCH less because of my tighness, it helped me really focus on how much I should be eating & how small of bites I needed to take. I had to focus so much on the bite size & length of time it actually took me, that I felt a little alarmed almost. I mean, holy shi*, bite sizes no bigger than an M&M. Another comparison would be to take bite sizes no bigger than your pinky finger nail. People, those are some seriously SMALL bites.
 
So, now that I think I've learned my lesson, I had to get a .25 cc unfill today. This was because I had several stuck & PB episodes. Nurse felt it was best to be a little safer. I know this might sound crazy since it's such a samll amount, but I think it's helped. I'm not feeling like things are going to get stuck when I go to swallow them. Could it be that I'm taking smaller bites & taking longer to eat? Maybe I finally got it ...