mrsclark2408

[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]So... you'd like to hear my story?! It's hard for me to write this b/c I've always been so self-conscious & insecure about ME. Even though you could tell it in my physique & personality.. I would never admit to it. As far back as I can remember I've always struggled with my weight & have been "heavy." Weird thing is if you go through my brother, sister & I's childhood photo's you would notice we were all 3 slim & slender. Then, there's a gap.... and the next photographs you see, we're all 3 over-weight. Not just a little, but like 50-100 lbs over weight. Only thing I can think of is our childhood, not that it was horrible but it wasn't easy either. [/color][/i][/font]

[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]I remember around 5th & 6th grade is when I really started to get teased about my weight. I was SO insecure by my own appearance & body that I would do silly things. For example, gym class we had to wear shorts & a tshirt of course. I would put on a pair of stockings under my shorts to cover my legs b/c I thought they were huge & hideous! Funny thing is, I probably wouldn't have gotten made fun of if I HADN'T worn the stockings. I did little things like that all the time to "hide" myself. I rarely wore just a t-shirt & jeans to school, I always had to cover myself up. I'd wear jackets w/my t-shirts, or hoodies that zipped up. So as you can imagine, I started seeking other outlets to feel better about myself. I hung out with the wrong kids, I started using illicit drugs, smoking, sex, disobeying my grandparents. I truly despised the world, and my life & was going to make sure everyone knew about it! Even though my life was not nearly as bad as I had made it out to be, it wasn't perfect either. [/color][/i][/font]

[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]Around the age of 16-17 I started to really party & stay out late past curfew and really just made my grandparents life unbearable. I was being intolerably selfish & it didn't get any better when I turned 18 and graduated high school. There were drugs out there that not only made you feel good about yourself but they also helped you lose weight. I dabbled in that a little more than I should b/c before I knew it I was addicted & pawning my own furniture in my town home to get my next high. I threw away college, "good" friends, a townhouse my gma paid for, everything.. just to try & feel somewhat good about me & who I was and what I had endured through out my short lifetime. It didn't last long before I was hitting rock bottom, and literally losing my mind...[/color][/i][/font]

[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]-2004-2005-[/color][/i][/font]
[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]I will never forget this day as long as I live. I was emotionally drained, paranoid, and lonely. My sister & I were at each other's throats, my closest friend was beginning to hate me.. my real friends had cut me off b/c of my "habit." The only thing left was my father, and my sister & we were all doing lines together on the kitchen counter and considered it a normal life. At that point, I couldn't take it anymore & I really believe I had lost my mind at this point. I sat on my best friends porch with him & my sister in his house, and took a dull pair of scissors (knowing fulling I had no attention to kill myself, and it wasn't my first attept at getting someone's attention in this manner) and started slicing, more like sawing at both of my wrists just to get the thoughts from torturing my mind. That was it, regardless of how much I loved my family, my friends, anything & everything... whatever it might be, I had to go. So I called my mom who lived in KC at the time & we hadn't seen or been around eachother for more than a few hours at a time since I was a child. She didn't hesitate, she knew what I had been doing & came right away to pick me up. I took my clothes, my tv, dvd's & packed them in my little forest green Chevy Cavalier. Then I went into my grandparents house (god, how much this must of hurt them) and passed out on the couch with my sleeves pulled over my wrists. I hadn't slept in days, and needed the rest. Next thing I know, my mom is there at my grandparents.. they had no idea she was coming & they didn't seem to happy about it either. I look down, and blood had stained through my long sleeve shirt I was wearing & wondered if my grandparents had seen it. My heart broke into a million pieces when I hugged my Gpa goodbye, and told him I needed to go get better. He looked at my mom, and told her to take care of me... I'll never forget that day, ever. [/color][/i][/font]

[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]I started a new life in KC, MO.. thinking that it was all behind me, that I had endured enough to stop. I was wrong, I don't want to drag on my long history of drug abuse b/c it could take days. To make a long story short, I was never able to fill the void I had. I finally got sober & just quit the whole "party" scene. I had met my soul mate, my best friend, my companion & he changed my life. We both did abuse drugs for awhile together but shortly watched the people we cared & love about the most crumble around us. KC was no joke, and coming from a town of less than 700 people was a huge shock when it came to the drug world. It was easier to find & come into contact with and the people you ran into that did the same things you did, well let's just say they weren't amateurs. It was in the streets, in my apartment, in my family, everywhere. I couldn't escape this hell, but somehow he pulled me through it. Together, we made a better life for ourselves! I went to college, graduated with my Associates, he got a full time job & proceeded to follow his dream as a mechanic & now works at Jiffy Lube. I work at one of the best hospitals in the U.S. -- University of KS Hospital as a Registration Clerk. I love my job, and the people I work with and extremely proud of myself for all that I've complished. In August of 2008, my soulmate and I married. We had been together for 3 years, and felt it was the right time & I knew I couldn't see myself spending it with anyone else. Of course, as many of you married ladies out there know... you get comfortable, life gets a little bit more boring, it's the simple life... so you start to gain more & more weight. I'm at the heaviest I've been in my entire life for the last 4 years. I'm so miserable with myself, how I feel physically & the fact that I don't have the energy or strength to even clean my home half the time. My husband & I had tried for years to have a child and my infertility DR was very honest with me and basically told me very bluntly, it's your weight & until you control it and lose some you will not have a child. I was frustrated with this & knew it couldn't be true b/c I had friends heavier than I that had, had 3 or more kids. As we all know, everyone's body is different from others. I didn't believe him until we tried fertility treatment for a year & a half, and then came the most devastating of all. Feb 16th, I found out I was in the gestational period of being pregnant. By, Feb 18, 2012 blood work confirmed I had miscarried the baby. This to us, was most devastating... so I return to see my fertility DR ( I hadn't seen him in over 6 months due to his "comment." ) I had informed my DR that I had recently lost 35 lbs and was eating much healthier when I had become pregnant. #Ironic, right? [/color][/i][/font]

[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]2011, I made the decision to go through the consults & seminars for weight loss surgery. I had a few co-workers that had been through various procedures, one a lap band, the other a gastric bypass surgery. Both swore up & down it saved their lives and over all their quality of life. Going to the seminars, I decided the lap band was the best fit for me & actually was super excited about it. I knew with my employer's insurance, I'd pay little next to nothing for this procedure as long as I had it done at the hospital I worked for. I went through 6 months of seminars, seeing a psychiatrist, nutrtionanist, etc. It took time, but in the end I was approved & ready to schedule my surgery. At one point 6 months seemed like an eternity & then the next thing I knew, it was the week of my surgery and I was terrified! I hadn't quit smoking, I hadn't been on my liquid diet like I was supposed to be.. I just had fallen back into this mind set of I don't need this, it's unnatural, unhealthy for me. I want to be able to sit down & eat a meal with my family and not be sick, etc.. I gave myself excuse after excuse. Of course, it only took a few months to gain all my weight back & be even heavier than I had started out originally. Being miserable isn't fun, and not being able to love yourself is even worse. Not loving myself, has destroyed so much around me including relationships, it's caused mass confusion in the ones it didn't destroy, it was hell. So I emailed the bariatric nurse of my surgeon which I must say is the sweetest caring lady I've ever met! I told her what had happened in the last 6mo and asked her was there anyway I could still schedule my surgery without having to go through all the DR's appts & seminars again. She emailed me back quite quickly & said in a month I'd have my surgery. I had to post-pone, not as an excuse but this time due to the hospital I work for is expanding, and we were short staffed & really it just wasn't enough notice for my sup. The nurse rescheduled for a month later, and now here I am & it's 8-27-12, my surgery is 9-28-12. It's not far away at all, and I'm terrified! I have my days where I want to back out & call it off but this time I'm not going to.. I know what I need to do for myself not ANYONE else!!! I have to keep telling myself that, over and over... [/color][/i][/font]


[font=georgia, serif][i][color=#800080]Current day ~ I'm already feeling more confident about myself, and I'm still pre-surgery. Only a few weeks left, and I'll be having my lap band put in. I'm scared of how I'm going to feel the day of, and after the surgery but after I get over the hill I know it'll be well worth it all. Its inspiring to see all the success stories on this site & many others.. it helps me push through! Also, wanting to love myself is the biggest gift I can give myself, my family, my husband. It is what pushes me through each day, and I just have to tell my mind to STFU when I start thinking about backing out. I have to remind myself, no you're just scared.. but you can do this! That ladies & gents is my story! [/color][/i][/font]