sheila2050

July 30th....the day of my new me......
 
Well allow me to share a little insight.....
 
 
Well I'v done it....I have walk the desert (as my mason friends would say)....Let me tell you it was a journey that no matter how I prepared...I was not prepared for. I stayed away from the boards purposely, because I did not want to frighten or speak negatively on the surgery. It was very difficult initially because of the medical problems I had to endure (one of which, is being unable to take pain medication). Had I gotten online initially I would have screamed the horrors of this God Forsaken surgery and who....with any intelligence at all would succumb to this beast called the SLEEVE!!!!
 
But now 45 days away from the faithful day called "surgery" I am happy, I am smiling, I am learning, and creating new ways for myself....I have not been so happy....yes I have stalled, and yes I have slimed, yes I have had the lump in my chest that seems to want to explode...I have passed the rabbit pellets, and I have had many a day of laugher on how my body has responded to what is happening to it.....BUT...
 
I am so glad to have made this decision. Each day is a step into sunshine, sometimes with a few clouds....but even those clouds are beautiful now...and I will peer into them and make shapes out of those puffy marshmellows, instead of endulging in the doldrumsss......The feeling of achieving a goal and starting a new one is so amazing to me at this age....(okay not that I'm old) but sometimes we forget that the new wonders surrounding us on a daily basis. I have slipped into some old jeans (yep some sergio's that is no longer any where near style but)....WHAT A THRILL....
 
Who would have thought....the diva in me would escape again.....im loving it ...my children are loving it ....and my love is totally estactic....I have always smiled brightly ...but right now my smile can equate to a solar flare....just 45 pounds....what the hell is gonna happen when I hit 60, never mind whats gonna happen when i finally slip under 200.....watch out now......world get ready.....Im here to take over....
 
My growth has been in the worst times....when those scars would not heal....when the thought of one more bite of mash potatoes or apple sauce would turn me into a ingnorant maniac....but all of the sudden I remember the feeling of going through the hell called basic training....or the hell called breast cancer .....shoot even the hell of raising two teenagers who knew everything in the world and thought I belonged in a (well never mind I divest)...Each and everyone of those journeys has brought more pride and and feeling of empowerment to my journey.....well guess what ....I'M BACKCKKK....and this new road or shall I say adventure... will will bring me out of it like a shine piece of steel put through the fire and well tested....I say...bring life on...I am so readyyyyyy!!!!

With the help of my daughter, Rachael, put together the treadmill that I had ordered from JCPenney. It's a lot bigger than I figured - and heavier! It won't even fit through my doorways. So it is parked in the livingroom-Dan has not seen it yet-can't wait!!
We also went shopping for a few more "post-op" things. 3 water jugs-with measurements on the side, one 64 oz, and 2 32 oz. Also a nice robe and nightgown for the hospital, as well as underwear, socks, and soft athletic bras.
Earlier I went grocery shopping and went to Kroger (I usually go to walmart) and found some neat high protein things for post surgery.
Now I am working on getting ahead on my homework!

Well, I know I have lost weight because I can put on my jeans today. I do not own a scale and I have issues with using more like abusing them so I refuse to purchase one. Tomorrow I am finally allowed to go back to water aerobics which I am really looking forward to that. I have been exercising on my recumbant bike and walking the dog. I have been having trouble adjusting to the change of life style. I remember saying to my mom the other day how I missed dieting for just half the day. I miss the freedom of eating what I want when I want it; spoken like a true addict! Yet I am also grateful I don't have that option. The one thing I thought I would get out of this surgery was to never feel hungry again, what an idiotic thing to have thought but nonetheless I thought it. I feel hungry now more often than I ever have before. One because I can only eat a few bites and two before I was eating all the time therefore I never got the opportunity to feel hungry often. I remember pre-surgery getting hungry my response was to panic and then stuff my face because the feeling was so uncomfortable, foreign and anxiety inducing that was the only thing I could do in the moment. This surgery has caused me to face getting hungry a few times a day and it is getting easier. The thing is to slow down. I ate too fast and was in tremendous amount of pain the other day. I am physically all better, completely healed but mentally it's a jungle in there. I am greatful I took a full three weeks off from work because the stress of all the change can be a bit much at times. The first few days I was regretting my decision but now I know this was the path I had to walk. I had tried everything and given up, I'm a quitter, this pathway has no exit options. I can't get my stomach back, though it would have been nice to have had a funeral for it. It allowed me to eat and comfort myself when I needed comfort as a child. It was a good friend I just wasn't a good friend to it. I like that I don't count calories and if I chose to for some insane reason, I wouldn't get very high. The goal is 600-800 and sometimes that is a stretch goal. The only thing I count now is protein and I am going to saying it here because I say it every where else I hate protein shakes. I am tired of them. It's a good thing I love chicken and greek yogurt since it is my diet now. The foods I miss most are fruits and vegetables. I would love to have a salad and I can't have one, makes me laugh then cry. I also miss pizza, cake and right now chocolate, but I would love to have a chicken pecan salad even if only a couple bites and popcorn (went to the movies with a protein shake healthy but missed the popcorn). But what is really great is that my high blood pressure is gone, it left like a thief in the night after my surgery and is still gone. Also another plus is that it doesn't hurt to move and riding my recumbant bike is actually pleasurable. I kinda like all the change even though is it is scary, at least it's new before life was the same old thing and now not so much.

lately I have being thinking about being such a pleaser.Not only a peoples pleaser but everything and everybody.Not a happy pleaser either for the past few years.
 
When you st unrealistic standards you are doomed to fail.Not only that my fear of failure and success has become a serious stumbling block in my life.
 
My friend ( very successful lady) always says she is a plodder.She just starts somewhere without contemplating the whole big picture and adjusts as things play out.Me on the other hand needs the see the outcome even before I have started and I have become stuck as everything has the potential not to be perfect.
 
And when the scale moves down I can be positive about the long term outcome and when it doesnt I feel dread coming my way.
 
It is also stopping me in other aspects of my life which really needs changing.If something can be accomplished fast in a short time I can see the big picture but most things in life just dont happen that fast.
 
So this is my resolve.In order for me to do a different degree (I have one in nursing,got it 25 years ago,never needed math for that) I have to do IGCSE math and English.That is like year 10 math.I felt very resentful of this for years and would lose the plot completely because I just didnt want to do it as it would waste another year of my life.This year I am going to do it.Like a little 15 year old.But maybe starting somewhere again will teach me the patience I lack to just plod along and finally reach the end of something.And maybe this will help me along this weight loss journey that is a journey forever and not only for now.
 
Weight 205 today!

When people talk about crossover addiction we all think booze right?
 
Well 2.5 months after my surgery,while having stress that topped anything I've had in the past 10 years,I started smoking again.
 
I have stopped smoking.In order to run off the rest of the pounds I've had to quit.
 
Of course I am eating like a horse now,but it is just a day or 2 then that is over too,and I will not post weight for a while.I give myself 2 weeks,one to gain little because I am eating rubbish and one to lose it again.
 
The only bummer is I seemed to have pulled a muscle somewhere around where the hamstring attaches to the butt muscle or something like that.I've tried jogging every few hours to reliev the stress and somehow hurt the muscle.So I will stand plank and do sit ups and v-sits if I can.
 
I have been very angry with myself for getting myself caught up in the smoking as it is super hard to not eat wayyyyyy too much when you quit.So,I kept on trying to lose fast so I could get to goal and then quit but that jut caused me more stress,I needed to quit now.
 
So,this is me for now.When I am over the crazy eating to stop from smoking I will post again.
 
O,and FYI I can eat so much more than I ever thought.No pain,no discomfort,nothing!Will have to mak myself a 20 galon can of tea and drink that for th rest of this day!

This morning I stepped onto my scale to discover I hit One-derland! Last I checked I've been hovering between 200.6 and 200.2, this morning I was 198.0.(I checked several times just to make sure). A lot of this had to do with working out. I'm 20 days post op, and I survived my first water polo practice last night. Note to all those who about to start workout regiments... STRETCH before doing the activity. I got to the pool deck late because of my class and I threw on my swim cap and goggles and dove in- BIG MISTAKE. I felt everything in my body shift and have a ripping sensation. IT WAS NO BUENO. No damage was done, but I think I shocked my body. I took it slow on the conditioning portion, swam steadily- backed out of the sprints, and then did fine during ball handlng and shooting drills. I opted not to scrimage my first couple of days back to prevent anyone from kicking me in unnecessary areas. All in all practice was a success but lessons were learned about listening to your body. Today is my first masters swim practice at lunch then round 2 of water polo practice tonight. It's looking to be a long week, but I'm totally ready to "embrace the suck." Nothing is more motivating to work out than to see your numbers go down!
 
‎8/17/12 Post-op 20days
 
5'9
 
HW 216
CW 198
(-18)
GW 169

Emotional Vampires & Toxic People... I'm doing an inventory of all my relationships, family, friends, etc. who have been instrumental in giving me bad advice, not being encouraging, or just breaking my heart, and hurting my feelings. How many people are really my friends because they like having a fat friend as a wingman? My family who tells me that WLS is a cop out? The exbf who said he's just not that attracted to "big girls". It's time to clean house, and dump the negative and replace it with the positive.
 
I didn't lose as much I wanted to this week because I was too busy crying and getting caught up in my feelings. Call it calorie deprevation, stupid toxic people, exhaustion, or whatever, I was tired, and I was done. I had to make some apologies to some people this week for ripping off their heads, when in reality it wasn't them I was mad at- I couldn't communicate because I've kept my surgery private. So it's hard to express to people what I'm going through or feeling, when they have no earthly idea. I've got to just cut off certain people, and chill out with others. Time to find that zen place in my life.
 
Annnnnddddd MONDAY is my 1 month sleeve anniversary! I will be doing another post on Monday with my before and after pics side by side. I've definitly lost inches and I'm trying to focus hard on my training and not so much on anything else. So tune back in Monday for all the fabulous pics and help me celebrate my 1 month Sleeve-versary!
 
Height: 5'9
 
Heighest Weight: 216
 
1st Goal Weight: 169
 
 
Sleeved 8/17/2012 @ 216 lbs
 
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)

March 6th had arrived. I was so freaking excited!! My parents had decided to take the boys to the lake for a week so I could recover. The only thing that was giving a twinge of worry was the drain. I am not good with medical things. I even hide my eyes and gag a little when a doctor gives a shot on TV. So this drain is a huge source of panic in my world.
 
My surgery was scheduled for noon. I had to be at the hospital at 10 am. That gives me time to sleep in a little, spend a little time with my family, and reassure my husband that this is what I want to do.
 
I am going to a side note here, but this is not a sillly observation, it is a sincere one. My husband is someone that I can say truely loves me. Not who I think I am or who I want to be, just me. He has loved me at size 12 (when he met me), size 18 (when he married me) and size 22 (when he followed me into the hospital that morning) and all the ups and downs in between. He has never made me feel fat or ugly. He is truely a beautful human being. When I made the decision to do this, I saw the panic on his face. Not because of the money or time, but because he said he is scared to live without me. I have had to give my brother my medical power or attorney because my husband said he won't pull the plug. He said he can't be the one to kill me. He did assure me that he respects my decision and will not fight my brother; he said he just can't be the one that makes that decision.
 
So, at 9:30 we dropped my boys off at daycare. With tears in my eyes, I kissed them each good-bye. I knew that I was going to be fine, but there is always that chance. Telling your kids good-bye is a little scary when it might be the last time. I sent my step-daughter a message telling her I loved her. Then, we started out for the hospital. I was chatty and my husband was nervous. He did not feel like talking so we fussed at each other. I took it with a grain of salt. I knew he wasn't mad at me. When checked into the hospital, we were immediately sent to the pre-op (no time to change my mind). I weighed in there and I had officially lost 20 pounds before my surgery. Woo-hoo!!!
 
I was put in my room, changed my clothes, and met all the pre-op nurses. My parents and mother-in-law joined us and helped me pass the time. I cherish those moments. I guess when you are in a situation like this, you sit back and thank God for the little things that make us happy and my family is it. The nurses came in and tried to start an IV. Because I had been on a liquid diet for a week and clear liquids the day before and NPO since midnight, I was a little dehydrated. It took two nurses one hour to find a vein they could use. They kept saying, "Your veins are so deep". (Sidenote: If any of you are nurses reading this, when you say something like "your veins are so deep" what your patient hears is "You are so fat, your arms are even carrying a load. Stop eating cake, fat butt" Well, they finally got the IV started in my hand using a baby needle. If that didn't solidify my decision about having this surgery I don't know what could have.
 
The time had come and they were finally wheeling me to the OR. The nurses are just talking away. I finally looked up and said "You know I know what you are saying". The nurse looked at me in shock. They apparently forgot to give me the wacky juice I was supposed to get before they carted me off. When I got to the OR, a line of nurses was waiting for me. They even did the wave as I passed by. I said "They forgot the wacky juice, I am soooo going to remember you doing that!" Everyone laughed and began talking at once. I was able to help them get me to the operating bed. I talked to the doctor that was going to put me to sleep (Side note: I know what the name is and no idea how to spell it, so don't judge!) I mentioned to him that I was going to remember speaking to him and I BETTER NOT remember any of that surgery. He promised me that he hasn't had a patient remember in 18 years, and he promised not to blemish that record. Thankfully, he was right.
 
Unfortunately, when I woke up, I did not like him or anyone else very much. I HURT!!!!!. . .

Today I am doing something I haven't done in FIFTEEN YEARS (15) YEARS!!! I left my house with my shirt tucked in and put on a belt. HOLY COW!!! Actually, skinny cow!!!! I am so excited. And people are talking. I have had a TON of people ask me how it feels. I am so freakin' happy. I just had my 6 month anniversary and I have lost 74 pounds. If you are just starting this journey, stay strong. One day you too will leave your house with your shirt tucked in!!!