makemyownluck

Well, it looks like there's a chance I could get referred to surgery sooner than I expected!!! I had been planning on having surgery at the beginning of next year, but I saw my doctor today and he said he was going to submit the referral this week and see what they say!
 
My insurance requires a 3 month supervised diet, but my MD doesn't have a scale that can weigh me, so he's gonna see if we can bypass that requirement and get me referred now. If not, I only have another 5 weeks until my 3 months would be up anyway, so it's not that far off if it gets rejected. He said I shouldn't have a problem at the 3 month point, but he'll see what he can do to speed it up. :D :D Oh em gee!
 
I still don't know exactly what happens next. I guess I'll find out, though. This is getting kinda exciting! Ever since I left the Drs office, I've been daydreaming. A friend of mine is going to a Halloween party tonight and I was invited to this party but declined. I don't have the self confidence to meet strangers anymore, much less the confidence to put on a costume and let people look at me! But this time next year could be totally different! EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!
 
I'll let ya know if the referral goes through! Wish me luck!

There is only one word for my mood lately: crankerpants. It's that "I'm super cranky, so if you talk to me, I'm probably gonna be a snarky b***h" type of feeling that I'm not so sure everyone experiences. I've made a bunch of changes to my diet, and been really terrible at sticking to it. Seems I can go pretty good for about 3 days and then BAM I find myself finishing off a bowl of pasta or rolling through McD's for a breakfast sandwich. But overall, I think I'm doing okay. I mean, for those 3 days I stick to it, that's an achievement, right? I'd really like to limit myself from 2 crappy/cheat meals per week down to one. Trying to do baby steps so post-op isn't so drastic.
 
Been trying to get my follow up with my PCP scheduled F O R E V E R, it feels like. But I need an appointment for a Sat 10/6 and for WHATEVER REASON, they don't have their Saturday schedules posted for October yet. UGHHH. So frustrating. Got a tiny bit crankerpants at the scheduling girl but turned it down a notch before I snapped. I just want to see if my PCP talked to my medical group about getting a referral before the 3 month diet period. I'd love to be referred in October and scheduled for November!! Hope that's not just wishful thinking!
 
Progress: I joined a gym today. There's a Planet Fitness like 5 minutes from my house and they happen to be running a start-up special right now, so I signed up. I feel so grown up and responsible! I went with my BFF and she's a member already, so she showed me around. Lots of the machines I remembered from being in high school gym class. And I loved how you could watch TV or ipod on the treadmills and bikes and stuff. Walk a mile AND watch Judge Judy? YES PLEASE!
 
I'm also happy to report that this friend that took me to the gym is also the first person I told I was considering surgery and I thought she judged me for it. She really had a lot on her plate (her mom passed away ) but a few days ago she asked me how my surgery plan was going and we talked about it for a while. She asked a lot of questions and was really supportive. Makes me wonder if she'd consider surgery if she saw me lose a bunch of weight? IDK. I won't bring it up. It's too big of a decision for me to try talking her into it. My mom already said she's contemplated some type of surgery before... I think it would be interesting if all the heavy people in my life started having surgery! haha. all the more reason for me to BE THE FIRST!
 
I think my mood improved since starting this post. Yay! Have a happy hump day tomorrow, everyone!!

Had my second post surgical appointment last Friday, down 20 pounds since surgery. I feel blessed that I have had ZERO complications. Dr. Kim's assistant said my risk of leaks or other complications was practically zero now, and that I was no longer a surgery patient, but was instead just a weight loss patient. I am very thankful to have been given this opportunity. I'm thankful for all the support I got from VST, as well as from my wife and family. I am looking forward to being a normal weight, for the first time in my life!

Tomorrow is my birthday.
 
I've been very sad lately, thinking about the life I've wasted. My best friend is in a hospital right now literally watching her mother die. She would give anything for one more good day, and here I sit, wasting my life. Hiding myself because I'm too embarrassed of my appearance to embrace this life I've been blessed with.
 
I remember on my 23rd birthday getting up and ready to go out to dinner with my parents. That day, I had no pants that I fit into. I had nothing to wear. I cried because I felt so hopelessly big. I couldn't even call someone to borrow something - no one I knew was as big as me.
 
And here I am, about to turn 32, and feeling the exact same way. Except that I probably weigh 100lbs more than I did back then. I felt hopeless back then, and now I'd love to be 100lbs lighter. I wish I was that size again. I am already worried about how my mind is going to handle being self-confident again (although, I don't think I ever truly was self-confident). A lifetime of misery isn't something easy to overcome. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those people who can't see themselves how they really are, because I'm only JUST NOW, at age 32, weighing over 400 lbs, beginning to realize how big I am. I'm "Oh, I hope I don't break that chair" fat. THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED MY LIFE TO BE.My parents gave me this card for my birthday, explaining how proud they are of me, how they are amazed by everything I've accomplished and how strong I am. And I'm reading it, thinking to myself "What have I done for you to be proud of?" I'm their only child, and i'm this single, hermit-like woman who hasn't accomplished much but graduating high school and being employed. I guess they can be proud that I don't ever ask them for money. I don't feel like I'm worthy of their pride. Is losing weight gonna help me love myself? Not completely, but I really hope it helps. I don't like being so harsh on myself. I just don't know how to shut the negative thoughts off sometimes.
 
I'm just over it. I want to move on. I wish I could snap my fingers and have surgery tomorrow... but I'm just getting this train started. Who knows how long I have to wait...
 
I'm getting anxious with the process, which is resulting in some depression on my end, and due to other factors in my life (like my friend's mother's illness, for example). Times like this make me feel especially lonely. On the bright side, I have the day off work tomorrow. And I go to my first NUT visit. I hope it's a good day. I usually have a good day on my birthday, let's hope this one is the same. And let me be a little selfish and wish that my best friend's mother doesn't die on my birthday...
 
Sorry if this comes off as too depressing. I've just had a lot on my mind lately.

I got my psych eval today. A nice little letter to say I have no mental disorders... kinda want to have that framed. For reference. To remind myself I'm sane. To prove such to others who know me and doubt that.
 
Went to my PCP yesterday for a routine visit and my bp is finally under control. Halleloo for that! Had a pap that wasn't as embarrassing or as torturous as I thought it might be.
 
My PCP said my insurance will want 3 months of supervised diet. But because he doesn't have a scale that will weigh me, he's gonna see if we can get around that. Otherwise, I'm looking at end of November for referral to surgeon. Supposedly things move quickly from that point.
 
My PCP didn't know anything about VSG. The NUT I went to sort of looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about when I said "vertical sleeve" as the answer to the surgery I wanted. The psychologist had no idea what VSG is. So, I'm kinda at the point where I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping for the best but sorta getting the sneaking suspicion that I'm going about this wrong, that I'm being misled and that I have no one who can tell me to do otherwise. *sigh* and I don't know anyone IRL who has had VSG or any wls on my type of insurance. I'm lost! I hope all these copays aren't all in vain!
 
That said, I'm really trying to stay optimistic. I can't wait to get on the loser's bench already!

I've been trying to implement change in my life. It hasn't been easy. My sub-conscious isn't going down without a fight! It's been really hard to fight the urge for carbs, but I took a huge step today by eliminating most of them from my cabinets.
 
I did some shopping over the weekend and again, it was really hard to fight the carb monster. Oh, my favorite macaroons are fresh out of the oven? NO! RESIST! Free sample of my favorite pizza? STOP!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Toaster Strudel on sale!? YOU BASTIDS!
 
And then it was like a light bulb went off (dimly, still working on it), and I realized that Toaster Strudel is probably a great representation of my overall diet choices. Easy, sweet, reminiscent of fruit (but not actual fruit) and comes with an icing packet so I can feel like I contributed to my meal prep. How terribly sad and ridiculous is it to live like that??
 
So, instead I've been implementing some changes. I've been trying out protein shakes as meal replacements, and so far it's going great. I've been enjoying Muscle Milk, vanilla creme and chocolate are all I've tried, and playing around with flavors. I have some sugar-free chai mix, some extracts and sugar-free syrups that have made it a little more fun. I've been using the ready-to-drink variety of muscle milk and am nervous about buying the big canister. Does it taste the same? Anyone know about this?
 
Also, I've discovered Greek yogurt. Never used to be a yogurt fan, but never tried Greek yogurt since it became "the thing". "If I don't like the regular kind, why would I want the Greek kind?" I'd rationalize to myself like an idiot. It's amazing! I really like Fage the best, but have been settling for Oikos because it's been on sale for the last 2 weeks at my local store. Of all I tried, Fage peach is my hands down favorite. So I've been replacing a meal with yogurt. Well, not the WHOLE meal. I used to buy lunch at the cafeteria at my work, which is usually some double portion carb mess covered in gravy, or a super salty soup with pre-made caesar salad on the side and a big sugary lemonade. Now, I bring a yogurt, some cheese slices and have bottled water instead of the lemonade. I'll get a soup or fresh fruit from the caf if I'm hungry, but I'm usually not. All the extra protein is really making a difference in my appetite!
 
So that brings us to the point in my day once I'm home. I live alone. I have no one to shame me or call me out for making bad choices. That's part of why I'm glad to purge my cabinets. I'll have to use all my willpower not to re-purchase those things, but not having them here is a huge step. When I'm home and ready for dinner, I have a Lean Cuisine. Not the best, but it's portion controlled and easy. Living alone=having all the chores and cooking and cleaning is not how I want to spend my time... half way through cooking the meal, my back will start to ache. Then by the time I'm done and have sat down, ate, food coma sets in, cleaning up is the last thing on my mind. I'm really hoping that losing some weight will give me energy back to DO CHORES. I feel like I'm so gung-ho about changing my diet, that part has been easy, actually, but I have no drive whatsoever to be physically active. I really want that to change. But it's such a short amount of time before my back aches or my feet ache or I'm sweating and feel disgusting...
 
Can't want for all these changes to add up to a better life.
 
I just re-read this and realized my goal for physical fitness is to be able to do chores! HAHHAHHAHA - not climb a mountain, run a 5k - but do some chores. I can't tell if that's very sad or very Marge Simpson of me. lol!!

I've been trying to implement change in my life. It hasn't been easy. My sub-conscious isn't going down without a fight! It's been really hard to fight the urge for carbs, but I took a huge step today by eliminating most of them from my cabinets.
 
I did some shopping over the weekend and again, it was really hard to fight the carb monster. Oh, my favorite macaroons are fresh out of the oven? NO! RESIST! Free sample of my favorite pizza? STOP!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Toaster Strudel on sale!? YOU BASTIDS!
 
And then it was like a light bulb went off (dimly, still working on it), and I realized that Toaster Strudel is probably a great representation of my overall diet choices. Easy, sweet, reminiscent of fruit (but not actual fruit) and comes with an icing packet so I can feel like I contributed to my meal prep. How terribly sad and ridiculous is it to live like that??
 
So, instead I've been implementing some changes. I've been trying out protein shakes as meal replacements, and so far it's going great. I've been enjoying Muscle Milk, vanilla creme and chocolate are all I've tried, and playing around with flavors. I have some sugar-free chai mix, some extracts and sugar-free syrups that have made it a little more fun. I've been using the ready-to-drink variety of muscle milk and am nervous about buying the big canister. Does it taste the same? Anyone know about this?
 
Also, I've discovered Greek yogurt. Never used to be a yogurt fan, but never tried Greek yogurt since it became "the thing". "If I don't like the regular kind, why would I want the Greek kind?" I'd rationalize to myself like an idiot. It's amazing! I really like Fage the best, but have been settling for Oikos because it's been on sale for the last 2 weeks at my local store. Of all I tried, Fage peach is my hands down favorite. So I've been replacing a meal with yogurt. Well, not the WHOLE meal. I used to buy lunch at the cafeteria at my work, which is usually some double portion carb mess covered in gravy, or a super salty soup with pre-made caesar salad on the side and a big sugary lemonade. Now, I bring a yogurt, some cheese slices and have bottled water instead of the lemonade. I'll get a soup or fresh fruit from the caf if I'm hungry, but I'm usually not. All the extra protein is really making a difference in my appetite!
 
So that brings us to the point in my day once I'm home. I live alone. I have no one to shame me or call me out for making bad choices. That's part of why I'm glad to purge my cabinets. I'll have to use all my willpower not to re-purchase those things, but not having them here is a huge step. When I'm home and ready for dinner, I have a Lean Cuisine. Not the best, but it's portion controlled and easy. Living alone=having all the chores and cooking and cleaning is not how I want to spend my time... half way through cooking the meal, my back will start to ache. Then by the time I'm done and have sat down, ate, food coma sets in, cleaning up is the last thing on my mind. I'm really hoping that losing some weight will give me energy back to DO CHORES. I feel like I'm so gung-ho about changing my diet, that part has been easy, actually, but I have no drive whatsoever to be physically active. I really want that to change. But it's such a short amount of time before my back aches or my feet ache or I'm sweating and feel disgusting...
 
Can't want for all these changes to add up to a better life.
 
I just re-read this and realized my goal for physical fitness is to be able to do chores! HAHHAHHAHA - not climb a mountain, run a 5k - but do some chores. I can't tell if that's very sad or very Marge Simpson of me. lol!!

This is one of those rare posts where I pour my heart out and it was very difficult to write because it is very hard for me to face the truth about myself and my painful past. I apologize in advance for any rambling I might do.
 
Body image has always been a sore topic with me. From the time I was born I always felt unattractive. No, not just unattractive – I felt like people thought I was repulsive. I believed I was so hideously ugly that people didn’t even want to look in my direction. I’ve honestly always felt like a cross between The Elephant Man and The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
 
A lot of that has to do with the abuse that I incurred when I was growing up. In addition to the physical abuse, my parents constantly berated me as being worthless and told me I was never going to get a woman to marry me. My mother was constantly telling me I was fat, unattractive and ugly. She would say that I needed to lose weight and order me to go out to exercise.
 
I hated to go out to do any kind of exercise because it just wasn’t fun and I wasn’t good at it. It would have been different if I had played sports, but we were poor and couldn’t afford the financial outlays that being on children’s sports teams required. So she would force me to “go jogging”, which I hated. She would peer out the window to make sure that I was exercising, so I would jog out of sight of her view and go sit on a log for 30 minutes and pretend to jog back. Imagine a seven year old (yes, you heard me right) being told all this and being sent out to jog by himself. The mental abuse started when I was even much younger, but my first memory of the “jogging” was when I was seven.
 
My mother would tell me that they were saying all these things to “help me improve”, but I didn’t take those comments in the spirit in which they were intended, I took them to heart. After taking them to heart, I modeled my behaviors based on them. If I was repulsive, I tried to stay away from people, especially the opposite sex. I didn’t ask girls out on dates, I didn’t even go up to talk to people. I was too terrified and shy to walk up to someone, smile, and say “hello” regardless of their gender.
 
When you are told something all of your life by people who love you, it is hard to not have it sink in. When I look back at pictures of myself as a young child, I realize that I was actually not fat, but I became fat as an adult because that’s how I saw myself.
 
This played into my social interactions with women. If the most important woman in my life at the time (my mother) didn’t like me, then what hope did I have for the outside world? I used to feel very sleazy at just the idea of walking up to a woman and trying to talk to her. I felt like she would think, “Oh my God, here’s a disgusting, repulsive, ugly man who’s trying to get in my pants or ask me out on a date. He’s so ugly, disgusting, and repulsive that he makes my skin crawl and I just want to get away from him.”
 
That’s why I never went up to anyone to try and talk to them. That’s why I kept to myself a lot. All throughout my life, I never got any type of positive reinforcement or positive examples of women liking me. No woman ever came up to me and started a conversation. The few people who I did ask out turned me down, which led me to stop asking anyone out on a date. All of those things solidified my opinions of myself and played into my self-image. This is the main reason there are no photos of me on the Interwebz.
 
I’m still fairly socially awkward and not good in situations around people. Oh sure, you might think by reading my entries that I don’t seem that way, but in person I am very shy and suffer from low self-esteem. I still don’t go up to strangers and talk to them – even at parties when I’m introduced to people, I just listen to what they have to say and not say what’s on my mind.
 
I’ve been thinking lately that when I weighed 325 pounds I probably did look hideous and ugly but at 240 pounds, maybe I don’t look all that repulsive. Now don’t get me wrong, I still don’t think I’m esthetically appealing. I still don’t think that there are too many women out there who would look at me and think I was good looking, or “Wow, I’d like to get to know him better”, but at least they wouldn’t say that I look dreadful. A woman isn’t going to avert her eyes when she looks in my direction.
 
It bothers me that at some point in my life, before I lost this weight, I was 240 pounds and thought I was repulsive, disgusting, and ugly. As I said before, I made social choices based on that. The negative self-image is still there, but it’s not as strong. I’m not sure how my attitude will change if I lose more weight. I hope that it will get better, but I think some of that will also depend on the reaction I get from people around me.
 
I’ll have to see if, with my newly lost weight, I’m treated any differently than I was in my teens and 20’s. I’ll have to see if people actually enjoy being around me – if women actually like talking to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see if a woman would actually go out on a date with me considering that I’m married, but I’d like to at least find out what could’ve been possible, if that makes any kind of sense.

So, I was sitting at work today and as my shift was winding down, found myself daydreaming about VSG again. I got to thinking (and worrying myself) about post-op living and long term care. Would I require b12 shots for the rest of my life? will I ever be able to eat sugar again? what about reflux? will I have unending reflux that requires lifelong treatment? Am I putting myself at risk for complications that far surpass the initial post-op recovery stage? what am I really thinking about doing to myself?!??!?!?!
 
As I'm thinking myself into a panic, my phone lights up for a new email and this distracts me from my thoughts. A UPS order that I placed wasn't delivered because UPS requires a signature. I have no idea why, but UPS pretty much refuses to leave packages on a first attempt. They require a signature even if the sender doesn't require a signature. It's so beyond frustrating, every time I deal with UPS, I have to call them and get into a huge argument about this. I hate it!
 
The package in question? My fat girl pants - for girls too fat to shop in normal stores.
 
So yeah. That pretty much cinched it for me - I need to get out of these BIG GIRL britches ASAP!! All this stress/phone calls/talking to supervisors/getting SERIOUSLY TICKED OFF is because I need my giant pants. So sad! So what if I need Nexium forever - better than needing MAIL ORDER CLOTHING!!
 
Anyway, thought this ironic tale might give someone a needed chuckle today.

I am in divorce proceedings with the Lapband. As a matter of fact, the same day the divorce becomes final, I will marry The Sleeve. The Lapband didn't hold up to its promises, often time having me dehydrated, slimming, or plain vomiting. As committed as I was to it, it wasn't commited to me. Eventually it couldn't even hold its own..................got a leak. When I went to the dr. for counseling, he told me he could repair our relationship or I could go in another direction. I told the doctor, there was no repair, The Band failed me and it needed to leave as soon as possible. He said he could replace The Band, the doctor wasn't listening to me. I told him I gave The Band 3.5 years of my life. The Band made me think I was the problem and all along it failed me and often made me sick than healthy. When the doctor told me about a new Beau in town, I immediately became excited. I wasn't sure if I measured up but the doctor told me he wouldn't fail. He told me the new Beau called The Sleeve was making a lot of women happy........................hmmmmm, and some men. I thought, "Shut the front door." He told me he hasn't met anyone who divorced The Sleeve.....as a matter of fact he said the marriage is permanent. Before I decided to move forward with this marriage, I asked a bunch of questions and researched my soon to be permanent partner. After my due diligence I set the date.....we are getting married on 8.23.12. I know this is a marriage made in heaven, I keep hearing about others who made the same commitment and they have nothing bad to say. As a matter of fact, they said it is a little bumpy a for a few days in the beginning but they couldn't understand what took them so long to see Mr. Right. Yep, so yes, in sickness, or health and until death do we part.......................I am commiting my life to Sleeve.

I'll skip the "How I Got Here" business for now. If you are interested, you can mosey on over to the "My Story" section of my profile to check it out. . . And I promise you, its a doozey. But today I'm needing to remind myself of "WHY I'm Here." In this case, "Here" being less than 48 hours away from dun dun dun. . . elective surgery. Oh, the horror! (Trust me, if you had my medical anxiety you'd understand. Every time someone compares their surgical countdown to waiting for Christmas, every fiber in my being revolts.)
 
(1) T-Shirts. I love T-Shirts. Nice soft, baggy T-Shirts. At my size, however, there is no guarantee that you can find such a T-Shirt, and if you can, its not likely to be flattering. This is particularly problematic when a T-Shirt is required - say to lead a group of kids at a school function. I really just want to be able to sign up to volunteer without worrying whether they will offer a 2X and, if so, whether it will be a generous 2X or not.
 
(2) Energy. My people are notoriously low energy going back generations on my mom's side. I have several female cousins, and most of us suffer from it in one way or another. Unfortunately, someone forgot to relay this fact to my kids. They are just not the quiet, bookworm types that I was growing up. I've had my thyroid tested (normal), done a sleep study (no apnea) and taken up exercise. And yet, I still seem to be the only person I know who can pass out cold on the couch after 45 minutes of dance fitness. I am hopeful that losing the weight will help me perk up a little and give me the stamina I need to keep up with the many demands on my life.
 
(3) Speaking of Exercise. One of my closest friends has recently made a mid-life career change from Childrens' Minister to Dance Fitness Instructor. So I go along for the ride. As exercise goes, its fun. But is it too terrible to say that I would rather not be the biggest girl in the room? I don't need to be the smallest, mind you. Just not the biggest.
 
(4) Photographs. I'm a photographer. Few things make me happier than capturing a beautiful smile, a sparkle in my subjects' eyes. More often than not, of course, those subjects are my kids. I realized recently that I have never sat for a portrait with either of my two youngest kids, and a stranger flipping through the family snapshots might just think that my husband is a single dad. Somewhere about five years ago, I just stopped being in pictures and that's not fair to my kids. It really bothers my oldest boy. Maybe we will all be in the family Christmas picture this year.
 
(5) Air Travel. I used to be a gung ho traveller. Domestic. International. I could be ready to go in a moment's notice. But after my kids were born, there just didn't seem to be the time or money. I recently took a trip to a photography workshop, and is it just me, or have plane seats gotten smaller. Wait. I think it is just me. Its stressful enough in the post 9/11 world to get on a plan in the first place without having to worry about how big the two people sitting on either side of you are and whether you will survive the cramped posture that you all will be forced into. And don't even get me started on the seat belts. I didn't have to ask for an extender, but I know that I have to do something to keep that humiliation out of my future.
 
(6) Disney World. I LOVE Disney World. Yes, I know it is ridiculously expensive and crowded. But for me, the magic over comes the madness, and it really is the happiest place on earth. At least until I start to stare down those older rides and wonder whether or not I am going to be too big for the seats. I look forward to the day when I can look at my kids and say "Yes, of course I will ride that with you," without a moments hesitation.
 
(7) Pain. Over the past couple of years, I have started to experience random aches and pains, particularly in my back, but occasionally in my knees and hips too. I've got to believe that hauling around less weight, thereby relieving the stress on my body, will help with some of that. I'm not even 40, after all.
 
(8) The Gap. I used to love to shop there. Anne Taylor too. Why are big girl clothes so expensive?
 
(9) Social Anxiety. My husband has to wine and dine for work. I used to, if not LOVE going along, be able to tolerate it. Now I rarely go. Nothing to wear. Too uncomfortable about how i look to try to meet and impress new people. The same is true of joining Moms groups and seeing my old college friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a core group of people that I hang with, but I used to be much more outgoing and fun loving before I became so self conscious about my appearance.
 
(10) My Kids. I love them more than life itself and want to do everything that I can to be a fun and active mom for them throughout their childhoods.
 
This list isn't exhaustive, but its a good start, and hopefully will serve as a good reminder when, over the next 48 hours, that little bit of panic creeps in and I start to rethink my decision.

So, I'd say I'm PRE-pre-op. I'm terribly obese. I can't even tell you how obese because my doctor doesn't have a scale that goes that high. He hasn't had a scale that goes high enough... for a while. I'll be 32 in exactly 20 days and I've been fat my whole life. I've never been happy about that. I've never been proud of it. In fact, I've mostly tried to ignore it and hope everyone else does too. I've literally been the elephant in the room.
 
I considered surgery so many times in my life. But, I don't know, there was something nagging in the back of my mind saying that surgery was a bad idea. For whatever reason, I decided that I need to do something now. I've already "wasted" so much of my life being fat - because, sadly, I am a total hermit and don't go out, therefore have been single for WAY too long. I have zero confidence when it comes to men. Furthermore, I don't even like the idea of having someone touch me right now. I disgust myself. I know that might come off as totally self-loathing, but I really don't hate myself. I hate my situation. I want to change it. As someone who has tried to keep blinders on about it for years, I actually think it's the healthiest thing for me to look at myself through a strangers eyes. I'm no longer some chubby girl who's still kinda cute. I'm FAT. I don't want to be anymore!!
 
So, looking around at the various surgical options, I think I really want VSG. I talked to my PCP on a visit 2 weeks ago about surgery and he said we can get started so the insurance will approve it. He's referred people for it before, people with similar insurance as mine. At this last visit, I was also officially diagnosed with high blood pressure (160/90) and he put me on meds to bring it down. I go see him again Monday, and I have a whole bunch of questions written out for him. I've been seeing him for years and he respects me (I think) and he knows I have some medical knowledge (I'm a health insurance underwriter - YES, I'm probably that jerk you hate that declined you coverage) so I'm really hoping to get a better understanding of how the process works and what I can do to speed the process along. I got a referral to a Nutritionist from him on my last visit, I'm calling them tomorrow to schedule an appointment. (the referral came in the mail today - NO, I promise I haven't been procrastinating since 2 weeks ago!!)
 
I'M SO NERVOUS!!! I talked to my best friend about it last weekend and she wasn't as supportive as I thought she'd be. She's also overweight, but not nearly as much as I am. Despite the fact that we've shared with each other multiple times how unhappy we are with our weight, I really think she sees WLS negatively. She's the kind of friend who will support me anyway, but I just feel like deep down, she thinks I'm making a mistake - and that bums me out. Then again, I was one of those surgery nay-sayers 3 weeks ago, so I can also understand that A, the news was probably a shock and B. I could be projecting. She's got serious issues of her own to deal with, so maybe I'm putting too much value into the conversation!
 
I told my mom about it today. She was so happy for me! She's also overweight and said, "I've been wanting to do something like that too, but I'm too scared to take the plunge!! I'll let you go first - PAVE THE WAY!" I wish I had talked to my mom before I talked to my friend!!! (Isn't that how it always goes? lol) Anyway, Mom agreed to take good care of me post-op, so I got that part taken care of, albeit incredibly premature.
 
I realize I've barely dipped my toes in this whole process and I'm already so anxious to do this! I want my life to change. I want to go through what everyone describes here - the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows - I just want to turn my whole life around so I can go run down the street if I want to, or not have to worry about if there's a close parking spot or if that friend's house has a bunch of stairs.. OR ICE IN THE WINTER!! Ugh! I swear, FAT GIRL NITEMARE is falling on some ice and it's impossible to GET UP!! lol - gotta keep a sense of humor about these things, right?
 
Anyway, I really look forward to this journey. I hope I can stick to it, I hope I can get this done... wish me luck! Hope to find some cool people with a sense of humor to get through this process with on this site, and IRL.