makemyownluck

I think I'll always be fat.
 
I'm actually okay with that.
 
I was near 500lbs when I started this journey. My physical ability was nearly non-existent. Had I not had my sleeve, I would probably need motorized cars at stores at this point.
 
I've lost over 150lbs. My lowest weight was 317 at 2 years post op, and then.... I got pregnant!
 
See, life changed completely after my sleeve.
 
I had been perpetually single for 5+ years during the prime of my life - late 20s - early 30s. I got sleeved, after months of depression thinking my life would never be what I wanted if I didn't lose weight. I wanted a good man. I wanted children. I had no confidence in myself that I could have that because I was fat. I see now how really sad that is, and how hard I was on myself.
 
So, I started dating (a LOT, embarrassing to think about, actually) and eventually got set up on a blind date with G and the rest... is history. Except that his past is complicated and not quite in his past completely - and now we live together, have 50/50 custody of his 7 year old daughter and I JUST HAD MY FIRST BABY in May. More on that, later. It's really quite incredible how life has changed!
 
My body is a wreck. I already had loose skin so I didn't even look pregnant during my pregnancy... not even THE DAY I gave birth to a 9 lb baby boy! But I reread my entry from right after surgery and the same has held true - I'm so amazed and impressed with what my body can do. I survived being severely obese, I survived high blood pressure, surgery, gestating a baby, having a c-section - and I feel great (for a 35 year old FTM of a newborn).
 
I'm still working on turning over a leaf I started turning when I had surgery. Nearly 2 1/2 years have gone by and I still have a long way to go if I ever want to be on that "Overweight" BMI category. But I don't care. I'm working on losing weight after having a baby with the same attitude as post-op. I want my life to be better. Now my goal is a little different: I want to be the best mom and play with my baby. *who just woke up!*
 
No one is perfect. Some bodies are bigger than others. I'm okay with being the best I can be, whatever that may be.
 
Back on the ride to get my body moving again! Pregnancy is hard, but that's no longer an excuse. My baby is going to have me running after him soon enough, I'd better prepare for that! Let's see just how far I can go for my son.

Post-op life has been incredible so far. Even when I was in the hospital right after surgery, I was so positive. I was so thankful to the nurses, doctors and hospital staff - and I told them so endlessly - that many of them told me that I was the sweetest patient they'd had in a long time. Why? Because I was so thankful to be alive, to be doing okay (in pain, but no complications), to have them helping me, to know that IT WAS DONE... I just couldn't help but want to thank each of them so much for being there to help me through the hardest part (first few days post op). It was wonderful. Through all the pain and discomfort, I was guided by the idea that this is exactly what I wanted. I was exactly where I wanted to be. It was only gonna get BETTER from there.
 
And it has. SO MUCH!!!!
 
So, last Thursday was my 12 weeks post op.
 
My stats:
High weight: 459
Surgery date: 417
Today: 370.
 
In 11 more lbs, I'll be at 100lbs down. And my high weight is from November 2012, so in LESS THAN A YEAR (cuz I know 11lbs will be coming off soon) I will have lost 100lbs.
 
This surgery is my miracle. And I am an agnostic cynic who doesn't really believe in miracles.
 
At my highest weight, it was impossible for me to have any sense of fashion or feeling cute in clothes. All my pants had to be ordered online and were usually somewhat ill-fitting. Almost all my clothes were bought from catalogs because plus size store tops were just too snug, even in the highest size. About 6 yrs ago was the last time I was able to buy pants at a store. Tops were okay, but jeans/pants were too small. Well, now just about everything I have is way too big. So, I started pulling clothes out of "the archives" a few weeks ago. I had held on to some of my nicer work clothes from Lane Bryant from about 5-6 yrs ago when I could still fit in them. Now, even those are all getting too big. The smallest size I remember being in my adult life is 26/28 and 12 weeks post op IT'S TOO BIG. I still find it so hard to believe!
 
Well, I went clothes shopping this weekend. I waltzed into the Lane Bryant outlet and grabbed a pair of 28 jeans thinking "I'm sure all my old clothes are stretched out/worn in. So we'll see just how much more I have to lose before these brand new ones will fit", guessing that I'd get them pulled up but would have trouble buttoning them.
 
Wrong. More like "Um, Miss, can you get me a 26?" A 26!!!!!
 
And yes, I realize this is still big. I have a long way to go still, but just the idea of buying something in a store - something smaller than I would have bought even 5 years ago - it blows my mind!!! I got a bunch of cute tops in size 22/24 - and by the end of summer THOSE will be too big because they are already just a tiny bit big in the shoulder area.
 
Anyway, aside from the clothes shopping (which I always LOVED back when I could actually shop in stores, so it kinda made me giddy to be able to do it again!) - I also have some NSVs.
 
I've started parking on the 3rd floor in the parking garage at work. I was on the 2nd and would take the stairs every day. There are 5 floors, so I want to work my way up. Not sure how long it will take, but I just want to be able to do it!
 
I can cross my legs at the knee. My thighs are still so huge (UGH), but small enough that I can cross my legs, and I was NEVER really able to do that comfortably in my LIFE.
 
I moved my seat up in my car about 2 inches. Never thought that would be something I'd have to do because I'm almost 6 ft tall, but without my gut (well, with LESS of a gut) I felt a mile away from the steering wheel!
 
I no longer fear any chair. Sometimes arms with chairs were just too tight and I couldn't sit in them. Now, I don't have that problem. Next challenge - sitting in a booth at a restaurant!
 
this last one may sound snarky - but I have an overweight friend who's been acting a lil jealous of me lately because my weight loss is getting noticeable. I'm REALLLY close (if not already there, really), to being smaller than her. I've ALWAYS been the biggest friend. Always. I know that may sound petty - but I am just so sick of being the fattest person in my family, at work, in the store, of my friends - I have always been the fattest person... and now - I'm not! however that comes across, there is something about that fact that makes me proud of what I've accomplished!
 
And last but not least - I met a guy. He's a really good one, too - so far. I haven't shared all my secrets with him or anything, it's still really new. But I do thoroughly enjoy him and want to see where this could go. It's got some potential! I haven't had the confidence to date in YEARS, and I go on this one blind date and am lucky enough to meet a really great guy. Another miracle? I dunno. Maybe I've been overdue for some miracles in my life! lol
 
Anyway, that's about all I got to share at this point. Hope everyone else is doing well out there, too! <3 <3

Post-op life has been incredible so far. Even when I was in the hospital right after surgery, I was so positive. I was so thankful to the nurses, doctors and hospital staff - and I told them so endlessly - that many of them told me that I was the sweetest patient they'd had in a long time. Why? Because I was so thankful to be alive, to be doing okay (in pain, but no complications), to have them helping me, to know that IT WAS DONE... I just couldn't help but want to thank each of them so much for being there to help me through the hardest part (first few days post op). It was wonderful. Through all the pain and discomfort, I was guided by the idea that this is exactly what I wanted. I was exactly where I wanted to be. It was only gonna get BETTER from there.
 
And it has. SO MUCH!!!!
 
So, last Thursday was my 12 weeks post op.
 
My stats:
High weight: 459
Surgery date: 417
Today: 370.
 
In 11 more lbs, I'll be at 100lbs down. And my high weight is from November 2012, so in LESS THAN A YEAR (cuz I know 11lbs will be coming off soon) I will have lost 100lbs.
 
This surgery is my miracle. And I am an agnostic cynic who doesn't really believe in miracles.
 
At my highest weight, it was impossible for me to have any sense of fashion or feeling cute in clothes. All my pants had to be ordered online and were usually somewhat ill-fitting. Almost all my clothes were bought from catalogs because plus size store tops were just too snug, even in the highest size. About 6 yrs ago was the last time I was able to buy pants at a store. Tops were okay, but jeans/pants were too small. Well, now just about everything I have is way too big. So, I started pulling clothes out of "the archives" a few weeks ago. I had held on to some of my nicer work clothes from Lane Bryant from about 5-6 yrs ago when I could still fit in them. Now, even those are all getting too big. The smallest size I remember being in my adult life is 26/28 and 12 weeks post op IT'S TOO BIG. I still find it so hard to believe!
 
Well, I went clothes shopping this weekend. I waltzed into the Lane Bryant outlet and grabbed a pair of 28 jeans thinking "I'm sure all my old clothes are stretched out/worn in. So we'll see just how much more I have to lose before these brand new ones will fit", guessing that I'd get them pulled up but would have trouble buttoning them.
 
Wrong. More like "Um, Miss, can you get me a 26?" A 26!!!!!
 
And yes, I realize this is still big. I have a long way to go still, but just the idea of buying something in a store - something smaller than I would have bought even 5 years ago - it blows my mind!!! I got a bunch of cute tops in size 22/24 - and by the end of summer THOSE will be too big because they are already just a tiny bit big in the shoulder area.
 
Anyway, aside from the clothes shopping (which I always LOVED back when I could actually shop in stores, so it kinda made me giddy to be able to do it again!) - I also have some NSVs.
 
I've started parking on the 3rd floor in the parking garage at work. I was on the 2nd and would take the stairs every day. There are 5 floors, so I want to work my way up. Not sure how long it will take, but I just want to be able to do it!
 
I can cross my legs at the knee. My thighs are still so huge (UGH), but small enough that I can cross my legs, and I was NEVER really able to do that comfortably in my LIFE.
 
I moved my seat up in my car about 2 inches. Never thought that would be something I'd have to do because I'm almost 6 ft tall, but without my gut (well, with LESS of a gut) I felt a mile away from the steering wheel!
 
I no longer fear any chair. Sometimes arms with chairs were just too tight and I couldn't sit in them. Now, I don't have that problem. Next challenge - sitting in a booth at a restaurant!
 
this last one may sound snarky - but I have an overweight friend who's been acting a lil jealous of me lately because my weight loss is getting noticeable. I'm REALLLY close (if not already there, really), to being smaller than her. I've ALWAYS been the biggest friend. Always. I know that may sound petty - but I am just so sick of being the fattest person in my family, at work, in the store, of my friends - I have always been the fattest person... and now - I'm not! however that comes across, there is something about that fact that makes me proud of what I've accomplished!
 
And last but not least - I met a guy. He's a really good one, too - so far. I haven't shared all my secrets with him or anything, it's still really new. But I do thoroughly enjoy him and want to see where this could go. It's got some potential! I haven't had the confidence to date in YEARS, and I go on this one blind date and am lucky enough to meet a really great guy. Another miracle? I dunno. Maybe I've been overdue for some miracles in my life! lol
 
Anyway, that's about all I got to share at this point. Hope everyone else is doing well out there, too! <3 <3

Post-op life has been incredible so far. Even when I was in the hospital right after surgery, I was so positive. I was so thankful to the nurses, doctors and hospital staff - and I told them so endlessly - that many of them told me that I was the sweetest patient they'd had in a long time. Why? Because I was so thankful to be alive, to be doing okay (in pain, but no complications), to have them helping me, to know that IT WAS DONE... I just couldn't help but want to thank each of them so much for being there to help me through the hardest part (first few days post op). It was wonderful. Through all the pain and discomfort, I was guided by the idea that this is exactly what I wanted. I was exactly where I wanted to be. It was only gonna get BETTER from there.
 
And it has. SO MUCH!!!!
 
So, last Thursday was my 12 weeks post op.
 
My stats:
High weight: 459
Surgery date: 417
Today: 370.
 
In 11 more lbs, I'll be at 100lbs down. And my high weight is from November 2012, so in LESS THAN A YEAR (cuz I know 11lbs will be coming off soon) I will have lost 100lbs.
 
This surgery is my miracle. And I am an agnostic cynic who doesn't really believe in miracles.
 
At my highest weight, it was impossible for me to have any sense of fashion or feeling cute in clothes. All my pants had to be ordered online and were usually somewhat ill-fitting. Almost all my clothes were bought from catalogs because plus size store tops were just too snug, even in the highest size. About 6 yrs ago was the last time I was able to buy pants at a store. Tops were okay, but jeans/pants were too small. Well, now just about everything I have is way too big. So, I started pulling clothes out of "the archives" a few weeks ago. I had held on to some of my nicer work clothes from Lane Bryant from about 5-6 yrs ago when I could still fit in them. Now, even those are all getting too big. The smallest size I remember being in my adult life is 26/28 and 12 weeks post op IT'S TOO BIG. I still find it so hard to believe!
 
Well, I went clothes shopping this weekend. I waltzed into the Lane Bryant outlet and grabbed a pair of 28 jeans thinking "I'm sure all my old clothes are stretched out/worn in. So we'll see just how much more I have to lose before these brand new ones will fit", guessing that I'd get them pulled up but would have trouble buttoning them.
 
Wrong. More like "Um, Miss, can you get me a 26?" A 26!!!!!
 
And yes, I realize this is still big. I have a long way to go still, but just the idea of buying something in a store - something smaller than I would have bought even 5 years ago - it blows my mind!!! I got a bunch of cute tops in size 22/24 - and by the end of summer THOSE will be too big because they are already just a tiny bit big in the shoulder area.
 
Anyway, aside from the clothes shopping (which I always LOVED back when I could actually shop in stores, so it kinda made me giddy to be able to do it again!) - I also have some NSVs.
 
I've started parking on the 3rd floor in the parking garage at work. I was on the 2nd and would take the stairs every day. There are 5 floors, so I want to work my way up. Not sure how long it will take, but I just want to be able to do it!
 
I can cross my legs at the knee. My thighs are still so huge (UGH), but small enough that I can cross my legs, and I was NEVER really able to do that comfortably in my LIFE.
 
I moved my seat up in my car about 2 inches. Never thought that would be something I'd have to do because I'm almost 6 ft tall, but without my gut (well, with LESS of a gut) I felt a mile away from the steering wheel!
 
I no longer fear any chair. Sometimes arms with chairs were just too tight and I couldn't sit in them. Now, I don't have that problem. Next challenge - sitting in a booth at a restaurant!
 
this last one may sound snarky - but I have an overweight friend who's been acting a lil jealous of me lately because my weight loss is getting noticeable. I'm REALLLY close (if not already there, really), to being smaller than her. I've ALWAYS been the biggest friend. Always. I know that may sound petty - but I am just so sick of being the fattest person in my family, at work, in the store, of my friends - I have always been the fattest person... and now - I'm not! however that comes across, there is something about that fact that makes me proud of what I've accomplished!
 
And last but not least - I met a guy. He's a really good one, too - so far. I haven't shared all my secrets with him or anything, it's still really new. But I do thoroughly enjoy him and want to see where this could go. It's got some potential! I haven't had the confidence to date in YEARS, and I go on this one blind date and am lucky enough to meet a really great guy. Another miracle? I dunno. Maybe I've been overdue for some miracles in my life! lol
 
Anyway, that's about all I got to share at this point. Hope everyone else is doing well out there, too! <3 <3

Post-op life has been incredible so far. Even when I was in the hospital right after surgery, I was so positive. I was so thankful to the nurses, doctors and hospital staff - and I told them so endlessly - that many of them told me that I was the sweetest patient they'd had in a long time. Why? Because I was so thankful to be alive, to be doing okay (in pain, but no complications), to have them helping me, to know that IT WAS DONE... I just couldn't help but want to thank each of them so much for being there to help me through the hardest part (first few days post op). It was wonderful. Through all the pain and discomfort, I was guided by the idea that this is exactly what I wanted. I was exactly where I wanted to be. It was only gonna get BETTER from there.
 
And it has. SO MUCH!!!!
 
So, last Thursday was my 12 weeks post op.
 
My stats:
High weight: 459
Surgery date: 417
Today: 370.
 
In 11 more lbs, I'll be at 100lbs down. And my high weight is from November 2012, so in LESS THAN A YEAR (cuz I know 11lbs will be coming off soon) I will have lost 100lbs.
 
This surgery is my miracle. And I am an agnostic cynic who doesn't really believe in miracles.
 
At my highest weight, it was impossible for me to have any sense of fashion or feeling cute in clothes. All my pants had to be ordered online and were usually somewhat ill-fitting. Almost all my clothes were bought from catalogs because plus size store tops were just too snug, even in the highest size. About 6 yrs ago was the last time I was able to buy pants at a store. Tops were okay, but jeans/pants were too small. Well, now just about everything I have is way too big. So, I started pulling clothes out of "the archives" a few weeks ago. I had held on to some of my nicer work clothes from Lane Bryant from about 5-6 yrs ago when I could still fit in them. Now, even those are all getting too big. The smallest size I remember being in my adult life is 26/28 and 12 weeks post op IT'S TOO BIG. I still find it so hard to believe!
 
Well, I went clothes shopping this weekend. I waltzed into the Lane Bryant outlet and grabbed a pair of 28 jeans thinking "I'm sure all my old clothes are stretched out/worn in. So we'll see just how much more I have to lose before these brand new ones will fit", guessing that I'd get them pulled up but would have trouble buttoning them.
 
Wrong. More like "Um, Miss, can you get me a 26?" A 26!!!!!
 
And yes, I realize this is still big. I have a long way to go still, but just the idea of buying something in a store - something smaller than I would have bought even 5 years ago - it blows my mind!!! I got a bunch of cute tops in size 22/24 - and by the end of summer THOSE will be too big because they are already just a tiny bit big in the shoulder area.
 
Anyway, aside from the clothes shopping (which I always LOVED back when I could actually shop in stores, so it kinda made me giddy to be able to do it again!) - I also have some NSVs.
 
I've started parking on the 3rd floor in the parking garage at work. I was on the 2nd and would take the stairs every day. There are 5 floors, so I want to work my way up. Not sure how long it will take, but I just want to be able to do it!
 
I can cross my legs at the knee. My thighs are still so huge (UGH), but small enough that I can cross my legs, and I was NEVER really able to do that comfortably in my LIFE.
 
I moved my seat up in my car about 2 inches. Never thought that would be something I'd have to do because I'm almost 6 ft tall, but without my gut (well, with LESS of a gut) I felt a mile away from the steering wheel!
 
I no longer fear any chair. Sometimes arms with chairs were just too tight and I couldn't sit in them. Now, I don't have that problem. Next challenge - sitting in a booth at a restaurant!
 
this last one may sound snarky - but I have an overweight friend who's been acting a lil jealous of me lately because my weight loss is getting noticeable. I'm REALLLY close (if not already there, really), to being smaller than her. I've ALWAYS been the biggest friend. Always. I know that may sound petty - but I am just so sick of being the fattest person in my family, at work, in the store, of my friends - I have always been the fattest person... and now - I'm not! however that comes across, there is something about that fact that makes me proud of what I've accomplished!
 
And last but not least - I met a guy. He's a really good one, too - so far. I haven't shared all my secrets with him or anything, it's still really new. But I do thoroughly enjoy him and want to see where this could go. It's got some potential! I haven't had the confidence to date in YEARS, and I go on this one blind date and am lucky enough to meet a really great guy. Another miracle? I dunno. Maybe I've been overdue for some miracles in my life! lol
 
Anyway, that's about all I got to share at this point. Hope everyone else is doing well out there, too! <3 <3

I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
 
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
 
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
 
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
 
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
 
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
 
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
 
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
 
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
 
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
 
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
 
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
 
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
 
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
 
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
 
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
 
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
 
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
 
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
 
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
 
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
 
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
 
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
 
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
 
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
 
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
 
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
 
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
 
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
 
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
 
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
 
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
 
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
 
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
 
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
 
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
 
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

May 2nd seems like such a long time ago. When I think of how I was feeling that day and how I feel today, it truly makes me so proud of my body. My body that I've abused with a lifetime of overeating. My body that had to wait patiently for years for my mind to realize it was time to make a change. My body that has recovered so beautifully and allowed me to be as comfortable as possible through every last thing I've put it through. I could cry. For the first time ever, I love my body.
 
The day of surgery, my blood pressure was good. I hadn't been on any bp meds since 8 days prior, per my PCP because my bp was getting too low and I was feeling very faint because of it. I was already so impressed with my heart being able to recover so quickly from hypertension and I had only lost 50lbs. I know that 50lbs is quite an accomplishment, but I'm still in need of losing 200 or more (if I can without skin removal), so it seems like just a post in a very long road.
 
I'm teetering on the brink of the 300s. This morning, my scale went between 399 and 402 before settling on 400.2. I could very well be in Tres Town when I wake up tomorrow! I couldn't believe it when the digital scale went down to 399! It's amazing. I'm so pleased with everything so far.
 
So here's my saga of surgery and recovery to present. This is more for my own reflection later, but I thought it might help someone who's starting their journey soon.
 
I couldn't sleep the night before surgery. Well, I slept, but only for 3 hours. During surgery, my blood pressure went up, so they gave me Labetalol. Immediately after surgery, when I was in recovery, my heart rate dropped to 45. I slept through all of this. In fact, most people spend a couple of hours in recovery, and I slept for 6 hours in recovery instead. My blood pressure was normal and once I woke up, they sent me to my room.
 
Moving from bed to bed was very, very painful. The nurses had to check me for bed sores and roll me around and I didn't even have the energy to cry. AS SOON as they were done, they gave me morphine. I tried to get comfortable but my back was hurting. My parents came to say hello and visit, but I was tired and it was late, so they left to go home. When my nurse came to check on me, I told her my back was hurting, so she called to get me a new bed. This was a blessing and a curse. The new bed was great, but I had to change beds again! It was an air mattress and so comfy I didn't need a pillow under my head. The nurse so kindly helped me brush my teeth and wash my face from bed and got me some mouth swabs because I couldn't have liquids til my upper GI the next morning. I sent a few texts to friends to let them know I was okay, then slept til morning when they came to take me for the GI.
 
That upper GI was painful also. Moving was really hard. My tummy is so big and giggly, every movement was painful and sore. When I went back to my room, they removed my catheter and brought me breakfast - beef broth (gross), coffee (why?), orange juice (again, acidy, why?), and green jello. The nastiest of all the jellos. I was pouting thinking there was nothing that I could eat and then I saw - cherry Italian ice cup. HEAVEN! Granted, it was about 3 baby bites of heaven, but I was so happy.
 
I was sleeping through most of the day when the nurse came in and checked my bp to find that it was 80/40. She walked in while I was sleeping and my heart rate was 40. They put me on a holter monitor and ran an EKG which said I had a grade 1 A-V block and a mild arrhythmia. The on call doc saw me and said he believed it was due to the anethesia and morphine, and that because I was improving, it wasn't a need for major concern. He suggested I follow up with my PCP, who might send me to a cardiologist for an echo, depending on how a repeat EKG goes. I felt dehydrated and a little weak, they tried to take blood but literally could only get drops before my vein would collapse.
 
I was eerily calm through all of this. My parents weren't going to come visit me that day because they live almost 2 hours from Chicago. I had talked to my parents first thing in the morning and all of this took place after the nap I took after I spoke to them. I'd told them they could just come Saturday when I knew I was going to get released. I didn't even think to call them when all of this heart business happened, because in my mind, I felt like I knew it was just anesthesia and the morphine and I just wasn't scared. I got up and walked around more because they took out the catheter, so I HAD to get up to use the bathroom. I walked around my room as best I could and then just slept. I never turned my TV on ONCE while I was there. Not once!! I made myself drink more water. I made myself walk. And later that night, my bp was up. My heart rate was up. I still have a mild arrhythmia, but the nurse said it's benign and my PCP already knows about it.
 
My stay at the hospital was great. The nurses and techs were all really genuinely friendly and kind and helpful. The staff at my surgeons office has been excellent, too. My follow up visit was Friday, 8 days post op, and it was good. I lost 13lbs in 8 days. I'm at 17lbs lost in 10 days now. I'm on soft foods now and I cooked myself some soup yesterday, made some protein pudding, and just felt like I was having a normal weekend. I love making soup on Saturdays and having several cups through the day as it cooks more and more. I was able to have that same experience this weekend, but my total trips to the soup only totalled 1.5 cups of soup for the day. That's exactly what I wanted from the sleeve. Yes, I've made and will continue to make many healthy changes in my life. But if I want to have a lazy day of eating, the sleeve will let me do it and still lose weight. I don't have to lose myself in this surgery. Now the "living the rest of my life" begins, and I'm so, so happy to be here.
 
I'm grateful my body has made it through all of this. I can't wait to see what my body can do when it's lost this weight. It feels nice to love myself again, and the affection will only get better from here!

I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
 
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
 
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
 
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
 
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
 
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
 
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
 
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
 
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
 
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

May 2nd seems like such a long time ago. When I think of how I was feeling that day and how I feel today, it truly makes me so proud of my body. My body that I've abused with a lifetime of overeating. My body that had to wait patiently for years for my mind to realize it was time to make a change. My body that has recovered so beautifully and allowed me to be as comfortable as possible through every last thing I've put it through. I could cry. For the first time ever, I love my body.
 
The day of surgery, my blood pressure was good. I hadn't been on any bp meds since 8 days prior, per my PCP because my bp was getting too low and I was feeling very faint because of it. I was already so impressed with my heart being able to recover so quickly from hypertension and I had only lost 50lbs. I know that 50lbs is quite an accomplishment, but I'm still in need of losing 200 or more (if I can without skin removal), so it seems like just a post in a very long road.
 
I'm teetering on the brink of the 300s. This morning, my scale went between 399 and 402 before settling on 400.2. I could very well be in Tres Town when I wake up tomorrow! I couldn't believe it when the digital scale went down to 399! It's amazing. I'm so pleased with everything so far.
 
So here's my saga of surgery and recovery to present. This is more for my own reflection later, but I thought it might help someone who's starting their journey soon.
 
I couldn't sleep the night before surgery. Well, I slept, but only for 3 hours. During surgery, my blood pressure went up, so they gave me Labetalol. Immediately after surgery, when I was in recovery, my heart rate dropped to 45. I slept through all of this. In fact, most people spend a couple of hours in recovery, and I slept for 6 hours in recovery instead. My blood pressure was normal and once I woke up, they sent me to my room.
 
Moving from bed to bed was very, very painful. The nurses had to check me for bed sores and roll me around and I didn't even have the energy to cry. AS SOON as they were done, they gave me morphine. I tried to get comfortable but my back was hurting. My parents came to say hello and visit, but I was tired and it was late, so they left to go home. When my nurse came to check on me, I told her my back was hurting, so she called to get me a new bed. This was a blessing and a curse. The new bed was great, but I had to change beds again! It was an air mattress and so comfy I didn't need a pillow under my head. The nurse so kindly helped me brush my teeth and wash my face from bed and got me some mouth swabs because I couldn't have liquids til my upper GI the next morning. I sent a few texts to friends to let them know I was okay, then slept til morning when they came to take me for the GI.
 
That upper GI was painful also. Moving was really hard. My tummy is so big and giggly, every movement was painful and sore. When I went back to my room, they removed my catheter and brought me breakfast - beef broth (gross), coffee (why?), orange juice (again, acidy, why?), and green jello. The nastiest of all the jellos. I was pouting thinking there was nothing that I could eat and then I saw - cherry Italian ice cup. HEAVEN! Granted, it was about 3 baby bites of heaven, but I was so happy.
 
I was sleeping through most of the day when the nurse came in and checked my bp to find that it was 80/40. She walked in while I was sleeping and my heart rate was 40. They put me on a holter monitor and ran an EKG which said I had a grade 1 A-V block and a mild arrhythmia. The on call doc saw me and said he believed it was due to the anethesia and morphine, and that because I was improving, it wasn't a need for major concern. He suggested I follow up with my PCP, who might send me to a cardiologist for an echo, depending on how a repeat EKG goes. I felt dehydrated and a little weak, they tried to take blood but literally could only get drops before my vein would collapse.
 
I was eerily calm through all of this. My parents weren't going to come visit me that day because they live almost 2 hours from Chicago. I had talked to my parents first thing in the morning and all of this took place after the nap I took after I spoke to them. I'd told them they could just come Saturday when I knew I was going to get released. I didn't even think to call them when all of this heart business happened, because in my mind, I felt like I knew it was just anesthesia and the morphine and I just wasn't scared. I got up and walked around more because they took out the catheter, so I HAD to get up to use the bathroom. I walked around my room as best I could and then just slept. I never turned my TV on ONCE while I was there. Not once!! I made myself drink more water. I made myself walk. And later that night, my bp was up. My heart rate was up. I still have a mild arrhythmia, but the nurse said it's benign and my PCP already knows about it.
 
My stay at the hospital was great. The nurses and techs were all really genuinely friendly and kind and helpful. The staff at my surgeons office has been excellent, too. My follow up visit was Friday, 8 days post op, and it was good. I lost 13lbs in 8 days. I'm at 17lbs lost in 10 days now. I'm on soft foods now and I cooked myself some soup yesterday, made some protein pudding, and just felt like I was having a normal weekend. I love making soup on Saturdays and having several cups through the day as it cooks more and more. I was able to have that same experience this weekend, but my total trips to the soup only totalled 1.5 cups of soup for the day. That's exactly what I wanted from the sleeve. Yes, I've made and will continue to make many healthy changes in my life. But if I want to have a lazy day of eating, the sleeve will let me do it and still lose weight. I don't have to lose myself in this surgery. Now the "living the rest of my life" begins, and I'm so, so happy to be here.
 
I'm grateful my body has made it through all of this. I can't wait to see what my body can do when it's lost this weight. It feels nice to love myself again, and the affection will only get better from here!

I'm in the final stretch. I'm ending Day 2 of the pre-op liquid diet. Tomorrow, I'll be 12 days away from surgery. I'm officially counting down!
 
I'm really not hungry on the diet. Well, tonight I was feeling it a little - but only a tiny bit, so I just had a shake and I was fine. I'm not saying it will continue to be easy, but so far it's been fine. I started working my way into the liquid diet last weekend by having shakes but also one yogurt a day as well. Since Sunday, I've lost 13lbs. I was on my period last weekend, so I know that's part of it (cuz I had gained about 3 lbs the week before when the period was starting-hope I don't offend with TMI).
 
Now I seem stuck in wondering how much weight I'll actually lose and how fast it will happen. I've never been thin, so I have no idea what any given weight would look like on me. I think to myself, "Will I still be plus size, but more like a size 18-20? Or will I actually be SKINNY and go for a size 10?" I also think to myself "You have a higher BMI, you'll lose faster!" and then I think "You don't wanna lose too fast because you'll look awful." Deep down, I seriously fear more than anything else that I'll look like a deflated elephant when this is all said and done. I strongly feel that I'll look terrible. I can feel myself self sabotaging with these thoughts, but I can't stop them.
 
I want to believe that this surgery has nothing to do with vanity, but if I'm honest with myself, it's almost ALL about vanity. Vanity, and the idea that if I don't do something about my weight - AND QUICK - I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. And again, I have to stop thinking like this. Losing weight isn't gonna find me a decent man. At best, it's gonna give me the confidence to date, but even then it's not guaranteed that I'll meet a man I want to marry.
 
Maybe the part of me that's causing the anxiety is the part that fears this surgery will change nothing. That even if I'm successful losing weight, nothing else will really change in my life. I like to think that suddenly I'll be so much more fun and outgoing and happy and friendly - because that's how I was when I was younger and thinner - but it's not realistic to think that my personality will revert to a time that long ago. I've had low self-esteem because of my weight for a long time. Will that change? Or will I still be miserable and self-loathing (i.e. calling myself a deflated elephant).
 
I probably need a shrink. I've had therapists before, never really connected with any of them. And this is just, idk, embarrassing for me to talk about. :\
 
Well, on that note, I'm off to sleep. xo

I start my 2 week liquid pre-op diet on Thursday. I'm going to sort of ease myself into the liquid diet starting today. I had a strawberry body fortress shake instead of eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast. (I made mine with unsweetened almond milk and a splash of vanilla creamer - the creamer makes it SO MUCH BETTER), I'm having yogurt and maybe a cheese stick for lunch. And I have some Gardein Turk'y that I'll have for dinner with some asparagus. Then a shake if I'm hungry later.
 
Since I started my journey, I have been focused on what I had to do to get approved for surgery, not what I had to do to get prepared for surgery. Some of these things go hand in hand - like changing your eating habits, losing a bit of weight, increasing exercise - but I have definitely not focused much on the emotional journey I'm about to go on. I've been more focused on the physical journey and the financial one.
 
As a result, I had the tiniest of meltdowns at Walmart last night. I was doing "post op prep shopping" and it was like everything I picked up led me to unpleasant thoughts about what I'll be dealing with in just a matter of weeks. It started when I was at home and went online to make purchases from various sites for vitamins, supplements, protein powders, storage containers, etc. I mean, I spent nearly $200 right there simply because I'm definitely a sucker for "buy more, save more" specials. Even though I had a pretty long list going into the store, something about seeing these things pile up was just... overwhelming for about 22 seconds. I spend a good 45 minutes in the "Health" area - picking out gauze, tape, bandaids, ointment, lotions and a lot of other things like Milk of Magnesia, liquid Imodium, fiber gummies, Gas-X strips... just so much stuff. Just in case kinda stuff that I've seen over and over again in these forums that people need. And it's taking me a long time to get these things because I don't use any of these things now. I have a first aid kit that barely gets used... I don't currently get constipated, I don't get gassy, I don't get reflux, I don't get diarrhea... but I'm about to do something to myself, VOLUNTARILY, that will probably give me all of this and more, in combination with each other.
 
And yet, I read over and over that people suffer through this and don't regret a single thing because it got them to where they want to be.
 
So all of this went racing through my mind as I was in front of the fiber supplements (the last thing on my list for that section, the top shelf of the cart overflowing with all this stuff). No one was really around, so I sort of let myself go, for just a few seconds. I let out a deep breath and about 4 tears popped out of my eyes and I was done. I took another deep breath, wiped my tears, and picked out some fiber gummies.
 
Did I come this far to back out? No.
Do I want to stay where I'm at instead of having surgery? No.
 
So I'm ready to face the emotions. This pre-op fear? Well, I'm as prepared as I can be. There's actually a lot of comfort in that. Expect the best, fear the worst. That fear is making sure I'm darn prepared so I don't have to bother going out and getting what I need when I'm already in trouble!
 
Things are only going to get better... and better...

I'm in the final stretch. I'm ending Day 2 of the pre-op liquid diet. Tomorrow, I'll be 12 days away from surgery. I'm officially counting down!
 
I'm really not hungry on the diet. Well, tonight I was feeling it a little - but only a tiny bit, so I just had a shake and I was fine. I'm not saying it will continue to be easy, but so far it's been fine. I started working my way into the liquid diet last weekend by having shakes but also one yogurt a day as well. Since Sunday, I've lost 13lbs. I was on my period last weekend, so I know that's part of it (cuz I had gained about 3 lbs the week before when the period was starting-hope I don't offend with TMI).
 
Now I seem stuck in wondering how much weight I'll actually lose and how fast it will happen. I've never been thin, so I have no idea what any given weight would look like on me. I think to myself, "Will I still be plus size, but more like a size 18-20? Or will I actually be SKINNY and go for a size 10?" I also think to myself "You have a higher BMI, you'll lose faster!" and then I think "You don't wanna lose too fast because you'll look awful." Deep down, I seriously fear more than anything else that I'll look like a deflated elephant when this is all said and done. I strongly feel that I'll look terrible. I can feel myself self sabotaging with these thoughts, but I can't stop them.
 
I want to believe that this surgery has nothing to do with vanity, but if I'm honest with myself, it's almost ALL about vanity. Vanity, and the idea that if I don't do something about my weight - AND QUICK - I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. And again, I have to stop thinking like this. Losing weight isn't gonna find me a decent man. At best, it's gonna give me the confidence to date, but even then it's not guaranteed that I'll meet a man I want to marry.
 
Maybe the part of me that's causing the anxiety is the part that fears this surgery will change nothing. That even if I'm successful losing weight, nothing else will really change in my life. I like to think that suddenly I'll be so much more fun and outgoing and happy and friendly - because that's how I was when I was younger and thinner - but it's not realistic to think that my personality will revert to a time that long ago. I've had low self-esteem because of my weight for a long time. Will that change? Or will I still be miserable and self-loathing (i.e. calling myself a deflated elephant).
 
I probably need a shrink. I've had therapists before, never really connected with any of them. And this is just, idk, embarrassing for me to talk about. :\
 
Well, on that note, I'm off to sleep. xo

I start my 2 week liquid pre-op diet on Thursday. I'm going to sort of ease myself into the liquid diet starting today. I had a strawberry body fortress shake instead of eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast. (I made mine with unsweetened almond milk and a splash of vanilla creamer - the creamer makes it SO MUCH BETTER), I'm having yogurt and maybe a cheese stick for lunch. And I have some Gardein Turk'y that I'll have for dinner with some asparagus. Then a shake if I'm hungry later.
 
Since I started my journey, I have been focused on what I had to do to get approved for surgery, not what I had to do to get prepared for surgery. Some of these things go hand in hand - like changing your eating habits, losing a bit of weight, increasing exercise - but I have definitely not focused much on the emotional journey I'm about to go on. I've been more focused on the physical journey and the financial one.
 
As a result, I had the tiniest of meltdowns at Walmart last night. I was doing "post op prep shopping" and it was like everything I picked up led me to unpleasant thoughts about what I'll be dealing with in just a matter of weeks. It started when I was at home and went online to make purchases from various sites for vitamins, supplements, protein powders, storage containers, etc. I mean, I spent nearly $200 right there simply because I'm definitely a sucker for "buy more, save more" specials. Even though I had a pretty long list going into the store, something about seeing these things pile up was just... overwhelming for about 22 seconds. I spend a good 45 minutes in the "Health" area - picking out gauze, tape, bandaids, ointment, lotions and a lot of other things like Milk of Magnesia, liquid Imodium, fiber gummies, Gas-X strips... just so much stuff. Just in case kinda stuff that I've seen over and over again in these forums that people need. And it's taking me a long time to get these things because I don't use any of these things now. I have a first aid kit that barely gets used... I don't currently get constipated, I don't get gassy, I don't get reflux, I don't get diarrhea... but I'm about to do something to myself, VOLUNTARILY, that will probably give me all of this and more, in combination with each other.
 
And yet, I read over and over that people suffer through this and don't regret a single thing because it got them to where they want to be.
 
So all of this went racing through my mind as I was in front of the fiber supplements (the last thing on my list for that section, the top shelf of the cart overflowing with all this stuff). No one was really around, so I sort of let myself go, for just a few seconds. I let out a deep breath and about 4 tears popped out of my eyes and I was done. I took another deep breath, wiped my tears, and picked out some fiber gummies.
 
Did I come this far to back out? No.
Do I want to stay where I'm at instead of having surgery? No.
 
So I'm ready to face the emotions. This pre-op fear? Well, I'm as prepared as I can be. There's actually a lot of comfort in that. Expect the best, fear the worst. That fear is making sure I'm darn prepared so I don't have to bother going out and getting what I need when I'm already in trouble!
 
Things are only going to get better... and better...

I start my 2 week liquid pre-op diet on Thursday. I'm going to sort of ease myself into the liquid diet starting today. I had a strawberry body fortress shake instead of eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast. (I made mine with unsweetened almond milk and a splash of vanilla creamer - the creamer makes it SO MUCH BETTER), I'm having yogurt and maybe a cheese stick for lunch. And I have some Gardein Turk'y that I'll have for dinner with some asparagus. Then a shake if I'm hungry later.
 
Since I started my journey, I have been focused on what I had to do to get approved for surgery, not what I had to do to get prepared for surgery. Some of these things go hand in hand - like changing your eating habits, losing a bit of weight, increasing exercise - but I have definitely not focused much on the emotional journey I'm about to go on. I've been more focused on the physical journey and the financial one.
 
As a result, I had the tiniest of meltdowns at Walmart last night. I was doing "post op prep shopping" and it was like everything I picked up led me to unpleasant thoughts about what I'll be dealing with in just a matter of weeks. It started when I was at home and went online to make purchases from various sites for vitamins, supplements, protein powders, storage containers, etc. I mean, I spent nearly $200 right there simply because I'm definitely a sucker for "buy more, save more" specials. Even though I had a pretty long list going into the store, something about seeing these things pile up was just... overwhelming for about 22 seconds. I spend a good 45 minutes in the "Health" area - picking out gauze, tape, bandaids, ointment, lotions and a lot of other things like Milk of Magnesia, liquid Imodium, fiber gummies, Gas-X strips... just so much stuff. Just in case kinda stuff that I've seen over and over again in these forums that people need. And it's taking me a long time to get these things because I don't use any of these things now. I have a first aid kit that barely gets used... I don't currently get constipated, I don't get gassy, I don't get reflux, I don't get diarrhea... but I'm about to do something to myself, VOLUNTARILY, that will probably give me all of this and more, in combination with each other.
 
And yet, I read over and over that people suffer through this and don't regret a single thing because it got them to where they want to be.
 
So all of this went racing through my mind as I was in front of the fiber supplements (the last thing on my list for that section, the top shelf of the cart overflowing with all this stuff). No one was really around, so I sort of let myself go, for just a few seconds. I let out a deep breath and about 4 tears popped out of my eyes and I was done. I took another deep breath, wiped my tears, and picked out some fiber gummies.
 
Did I come this far to back out? No.
Do I want to stay where I'm at instead of having surgery? No.
 
So I'm ready to face the emotions. This pre-op fear? Well, I'm as prepared as I can be. There's actually a lot of comfort in that. Expect the best, fear the worst. That fear is making sure I'm darn prepared so I don't have to bother going out and getting what I need when I'm already in trouble!
 
Things are only going to get better... and better...

I start my 2 week liquid pre-op diet on Thursday. I'm going to sort of ease myself into the liquid diet starting today. I had a strawberry body fortress shake instead of eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast. (I made mine with unsweetened almond milk and a splash of vanilla creamer - the creamer makes it SO MUCH BETTER), I'm having yogurt and maybe a cheese stick for lunch. And I have some Gardein Turk'y that I'll have for dinner with some asparagus. Then a shake if I'm hungry later.
 
Since I started my journey, I have been focused on what I had to do to get approved for surgery, not what I had to do to get prepared for surgery. Some of these things go hand in hand - like changing your eating habits, losing a bit of weight, increasing exercise - but I have definitely not focused much on the emotional journey I'm about to go on. I've been more focused on the physical journey and the financial one.
 
As a result, I had the tiniest of meltdowns at Walmart last night. I was doing "post op prep shopping" and it was like everything I picked up led me to unpleasant thoughts about what I'll be dealing with in just a matter of weeks. It started when I was at home and went online to make purchases from various sites for vitamins, supplements, protein powders, storage containers, etc. I mean, I spent nearly $200 right there simply because I'm definitely a sucker for "buy more, save more" specials. Even though I had a pretty long list going into the store, something about seeing these things pile up was just... overwhelming for about 22 seconds. I spend a good 45 minutes in the "Health" area - picking out gauze, tape, bandaids, ointment, lotions and a lot of other things like Milk of Magnesia, liquid Imodium, fiber gummies, Gas-X strips... just so much stuff. Just in case kinda stuff that I've seen over and over again in these forums that people need. And it's taking me a long time to get these things because I don't use any of these things now. I have a first aid kit that barely gets used... I don't currently get constipated, I don't get gassy, I don't get reflux, I don't get diarrhea... but I'm about to do something to myself, VOLUNTARILY, that will probably give me all of this and more, in combination with each other.
 
And yet, I read over and over that people suffer through this and don't regret a single thing because it got them to where they want to be.
 
So all of this went racing through my mind as I was in front of the fiber supplements (the last thing on my list for that section, the top shelf of the cart overflowing with all this stuff). No one was really around, so I sort of let myself go, for just a few seconds. I let out a deep breath and about 4 tears popped out of my eyes and I was done. I took another deep breath, wiped my tears, and picked out some fiber gummies.
 
Did I come this far to back out? No.
Do I want to stay where I'm at instead of having surgery? No.
 
So I'm ready to face the emotions. This pre-op fear? Well, I'm as prepared as I can be. There's actually a lot of comfort in that. Expect the best, fear the worst. That fear is making sure I'm darn prepared so I don't have to bother going out and getting what I need when I'm already in trouble!
 
Things are only going to get better... and better...

I've had the past four days off of work to go back to my hometown for my mom and grandpa's joint birthday party. It was awesome as I haven't seen some of my family members in 6 months and they were all shocked at how I look. Okay, so here is my deep, dark secret. I've always kinda envied those women who are small and delicate looking (yet a total steel magnolia underneath!) but at 5'5 and within spitting distance of 300 pounds THAT wasn't a term applied to me. The best I could hope for was that I had a pretty face, or nice eyes or hair. Underwhelming since I always knew they were tacking on the "too bad you're so big". *rolls eyes*. Yet I had soooo many people tell me how tiny and dainty I looked. My uncle even picked me up when he hugged me and spun me around! I still have about 30 pounds I want to lose...but what a great feeling! I'm at a stage where you can actually notice 5 or 10 lb weight loss and I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I'm starting to look like. I adore my kickboxing, zumba and yoga classes and if I don't run several times a week I feel weird. Whats even better is that my amazingly supportive grandparents (so funny now as my grandma was not 100% on board when I told her about my surgery a year ago!) have said that when I run my first 10K this summer that they'll be there at the finish line. That's amazing considering they want to travel to ME and at their age (late 80s) the 3.5 hour trip is hard for them. Wow. Just...wow! This entire long weekend has been great motivation to continue my 'Battle of the Bulge' until I get to my goal!!

So after going all weekend thinking I was going to have to settle for RNY because of my insurance, I got the happy news today that I have been referred to a new surgeon that does VSG. HOORAY!! *happy dance*
 
I have been referred to Dr. Ayloo at UIC. Anyone familiar with her? I'm going to the required informational seminar on 11/5 at 5pm. Any other Chicago area people going to this seminar? I'd love to meet you!!
 
I'm back on cloud 9. Now, I just have to hope that all the pre-op stuff I've done under the direction of my PCP will be acceptable for this surgeon. I'm so excited - I wonder how long til I could get a surgery date? eeeeeekkkkk

Well, it looks like there's a chance I could get referred to surgery sooner than I expected!!! I had been planning on having surgery at the beginning of next year, but I saw my doctor today and he said he was going to submit the referral this week and see what they say!
 
My insurance requires a 3 month supervised diet, but my MD doesn't have a scale that can weigh me, so he's gonna see if we can bypass that requirement and get me referred now. If not, I only have another 5 weeks until my 3 months would be up anyway, so it's not that far off if it gets rejected. He said I shouldn't have a problem at the 3 month point, but he'll see what he can do to speed it up. :D :D Oh em gee!
 
I still don't know exactly what happens next. I guess I'll find out, though. This is getting kinda exciting! Ever since I left the Drs office, I've been daydreaming. A friend of mine is going to a Halloween party tonight and I was invited to this party but declined. I don't have the self confidence to meet strangers anymore, much less the confidence to put on a costume and let people look at me! But this time next year could be totally different! EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!
 
I'll let ya know if the referral goes through! Wish me luck!

Still in pre-opVILLE - I go to my seminar on Monday. I really hope to learn more about the time frame for everything soon!!
 
I'm a list maker by nature. Since all I can think about lately is my weight loss plan, I've made a list of NSVs I hope to achieve, and made some rewards to go along with them for motivation. I also made a list of scale related victories and rewards for that. Not sure if everyone does this, or just makes one list or the other, or doesn't make a list of rewards - but I'm a lifelong spoiled only-child, and I like rewards. And I need to start thinking about rewards that have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD.
 
Anyway, thought I'd share. Hope you enjoy! Feel free to steal any of these.
 
NSV achievement/reward:
 
see my toes - pedicure
touch my toes while seated on the floor - new gym shoes
lose my double chin - buy a new necklace
see my collarbones - buy a new top to show them off
run a mile w/o walking - new gym clothes
walk up 5 flights of stairs - new shoes (of any kind) *5 flights because I park in a garage 5 flights up. I hate waiting for the dang elevator anyway!!
get on an actual bike - go on a bike ride with my Daddy!
sit Indian style comfortably - go to a yoga class
cross my legs at the knee - buy a dress (for the first time in yearssss)
 
Weight loss achievement/reward: *yes, I have a lot to lose!
 
-50lbs - facial
-100lbs - massage
-150lbs - Road Trip! (no idea where!)
-200lbs - new mattress, new couch and chairs in living room
-250lbs - bathing suit and a passport!
@ GOAL -------- I'M GOING TO JAMAICA!!! And it will be my first plane ride.
 
 
I would love to hear any suggestions that anyone has as well! I really can't wait to start checking some of these off!

Still in pre-opVILLE - I go to my seminar on Monday. I really hope to learn more about the time frame for everything soon!!
 
I'm a list maker by nature. Since all I can think about lately is my weight loss plan, I've made a list of NSVs I hope to achieve, and made some rewards to go along with them for motivation. I also made a list of scale related victories and rewards for that. Not sure if everyone does this, or just makes one list or the other, or doesn't make a list of rewards - but I'm a lifelong spoiled only-child, and I like rewards. And I need to start thinking about rewards that have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD.
 
Anyway, thought I'd share. Hope you enjoy! Feel free to steal any of these.
 
NSV achievement/reward:
 
see my toes - pedicure
touch my toes while seated on the floor - new gym shoes
lose my double chin - buy a new necklace
see my collarbones - buy a new top to show them off
run a mile w/o walking - new gym clothes
walk up 5 flights of stairs - new shoes (of any kind) *5 flights because I park in a garage 5 flights up. I hate waiting for the dang elevator anyway!!
get on an actual bike - go on a bike ride with my Daddy!
sit Indian style comfortably - go to a yoga class
cross my legs at the knee - buy a dress (for the first time in yearssss)
 
Weight loss achievement/reward: *yes, I have a lot to lose!
 
-50lbs - facial
-100lbs - massage
-150lbs - Road Trip! (no idea where!)
-200lbs - new mattress, new couch and chairs in living room
-250lbs - bathing suit and a passport!
@ GOAL -------- I'M GOING TO JAMAICA!!! And it will be my first plane ride.
 
 
I would love to hear any suggestions that anyone has as well! I really can't wait to start checking some of these off!

IT HAS BEEN FIVE MONTHS SINCE MY LIFE CHANGED!!
 
I walked in this morning wearing a new outfit. Complete chaos lol!!!! My "friend" started acting up again. Ever since my surgery, she started a crazy eating pattern and exercise day and night it seems like. She sat there and said NOTHING.
 
Once the other coworkers walked away, we started discussing the day and plans for the weekend. She found a new cool place and was thinking of going there Saturday night. I said awesome and then she said this: this is going to be fun, although I am not sure of "this" new you. You are no longer the beautiful SAFE friend. WTF?!?
I smiled and said " what you mean to say is, I am no longer the fat friend and you have seen nothing yet cupcake"
 
This is fuel for me. I am determine to be the beautiful, skinny, unsafe friend. Her and others that think like her, have no idea what's coming
P.S I learned today (from my NUT) it is important to keep my calories up above 600 calories. For my body to process protein properly and boost weight loss, my caloric intake have to be at a good level. From 600 to 800 but no higher than 1000 with exercise of course.

Well, it looks like there's a chance I could get referred to surgery sooner than I expected!!! I had been planning on having surgery at the beginning of next year, but I saw my doctor today and he said he was going to submit the referral this week and see what they say!
 
My insurance requires a 3 month supervised diet, but my MD doesn't have a scale that can weigh me, so he's gonna see if we can bypass that requirement and get me referred now. If not, I only have another 5 weeks until my 3 months would be up anyway, so it's not that far off if it gets rejected. He said I shouldn't have a problem at the 3 month point, but he'll see what he can do to speed it up. :D :D Oh em gee!
 
I still don't know exactly what happens next. I guess I'll find out, though. This is getting kinda exciting! Ever since I left the Drs office, I've been daydreaming. A friend of mine is going to a Halloween party tonight and I was invited to this party but declined. I don't have the self confidence to meet strangers anymore, much less the confidence to put on a costume and let people look at me! But this time next year could be totally different! EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!
 
I'll let ya know if the referral goes through! Wish me luck!