makemyownluck

Oh! And I went to the PCP today and not being able to weigh me could be a blessing! He said the insurance requires a 3 mo weight loss diet, but since he can't weigh me, he's going to ask the medical group if an exception can be made since I'm obviously in need of the surgery, have comorbids, and have been his patient for 10 years and tried diets in the past the failed. Wish me luck on that! I know insurance companies aren't very likely to bend the rules, but MAYBE I can be that exception!

I'm not sure how well that works either - I know sometimes they can "weigh" me on their scale if I stand just right, somehow I can balance the scale so that I trick it into thinking I weigh like 315. Not sure how that works, but I know it's not right!! I've at least gotten to the point where the nurse doesn't ask to weight me now. It's pretty embarrassing to have to remind her "That scale doesn't go high enough..." I know she's just doing her job when she asks, so the fact that she actually remembers me and doesn't ask anymore is nice.

That's awesome! one of my non-scale goals is to fit in a restaurant booth, so I can relate to this one! Work it, girl! Make that desk your B I A T C H!

I never saw myself as transparent until you described yourself this way. While honesty is admirable, being completely transparent is not! It takes more strength to keep some things private. I need to set parameters also. Your comment made me see something about myself that I hadn't considered before! Thank you!

Congrats on the quick approval!! I'm doing my requirements now, hoping to get submitted to my insurance for approval asap! I can't relate to "missing the old me" part, because unfortunately, I've always been heavy. But I can definitely relate to worrying about failure and worrying about loose skin... I don't want to tell a lot of people about the surgery either, because I feel like it's no one's business but mine. One word of advice though - if you work outside of the home, it might be a good idea to tell one trusted coworker about the surgery, that way if you have some sort of medical emergency, they can advise a paramedic. I work with my best friend, so this isn't difficult for me to do since she already knows. It might be hard to figure out who to trust that won't spread your business... I think as time goes by, and our fears subside and we see the success and feel better about ourselves, we might be more apt to tell SOME people about our journey. But maybe not... I can't decide on that issue!! Good luck with surgery and WELCOME to the board!

Good idea with the suitcases. sassypants.... I'm hopefully going with my friend to her gym this week, so maybe they will have a scale there... otherwise I guess I'll just wait til I get to the hospital. I don't want to get into the habit of weighing myself daily, either! I don't think that's a healthy habit - maybe when I'm closer to goal and maintaining I'll want to make sure I don't go back up in weight, but for now, I don't want to be on that thing constantly and obsessing over the number!

Going for a pap test tomorrow. This has never been my favorite thing (like it's anyone's FAVORITE THING) but I haven't had one in a while and I'm quite nervous. Do you think the doc would object to me bringing my own robe? I'm wayyy too big for some tiny paper blanket and gown. Also, I'm so nervous about getting in stirrups... last time I did it, I was like 75lbs lighter. This is gonna be awful. Any tips, support - anything is appreciated... Also, have my psych eval Wednesday. I hope to get some answers tomorrow about where we go from here... wish me luck!

I'm only pre-op, but I've read lots on the subject and it seems a lot of people are initially depressed because of coping with all the changes, but overall, I think once you get the lifestyle down and start seeing the new you, your attitude will improve! I think it depends on what your current depression stems from. If you have other diagnoses or causes, then it might not take it 100% away... but down the line medication adjustments will be needed whether you have surgery or not. Here's hoping this makes you happier, whether it makes you pill-free or not!

I haven't been referred to a surgeon yet so idk the hospital I'll be going to. I'm sure I'll get weighed eventually but this is so frustrating!

without coming off too nosy - can you please elaborate? I'm pre-op and curious.

I really, really, really don't want to buy a scale. I don't want one in my home... I have never been someone who obsessed over their weight, I don't want to become one. I can completely and honestly say that my weight (the number) doesn't bother me. Whatever it is, it's just a number. I really just want to get weight for the purpose of having the "starting" number, something to document my dang medical file with. :\ I understand how the number makes people feel better, they like to see the loss - but I'd rather see it in the mirror. The actual number is meaningless to me, I want to be buying smaller clothes and seeing my figure come back and FEELING lighter - that's my goal. I have enough with all the copays and stuff going on financially, I shouldn't have to put an unwanted scale in my home, at my expense, simply because no medical professional I've worked with has a scale that goes high enough for me. And the thing that really stings for me is that I'm heavy, yes, but not so heavy that I'm immobile or can't fit in most chairs and stuff. What about the people who are bigger than me?? Especially men, who are taller and just as hefty... I just don't think it's fair! I'll call the waaaaaaahmbulance and stop complaining about this... what I do know, my first NSV goal is to be "skinny" enough to get on that 350lbs max scale!

I would love to keep in touch with both of you as well... I realize that I'm my own worst critic and that I'm harder on myself than I need to be. Sometimes I feel like if I can say the most hateful thing, then nothing that anyone else says can hurt as badly. That doesn't really work tho, but I still find myself thinking those bad things. I'm so ready for that to change. I think this process is wrecking emotional havoc on me, because it's forcing me to change the bad habits I've been ignoring my whole life. There's a subconscious part of me that wants to sabotage this whole idea and go back to the old ways. The NUT was very informative. She gave me some good tools to make better decisions. Now I'm just anxious to get back to my PCP and see what happens next. Mokee, you are so strong to go through this at age 65. I wish you success - it's never too late to change our lives!! I keep trying to convince myself of that - that it's not too late for my to change my body and have a baby if I want to! That I can get back some of the confidence I had as a kid and actual start dating again! That I can TRAVEL! I've never been on a plane in my life because I"m afraid of fitting in the seat and/or being that person no one wants to sit next to. That's not me! I'm the fun one!! Each day we work toward this goal is a day well spent. Despite it ALL - I've never been so hopeful for my future!! Good luck, ladies!

you look so amazing!! you give me hope!

hahahaha - that's awesome. lmao@"I'll admit that I was sure you'd still need doughnuts"

Besides being embarrassed by not fitting in a roller coaster, I actually went car shopping and couldn't strap on a seat belt in one car and barely fit behind the wheel in another. TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSING. I feel your pain!! that said, I'm super jealous you got to take those rides. when I was a kid, I used to absolutely LOVE roller coasters! such an inspiration that you're still having nsv's 2 years later. that's so awesome!!

WELCOME! I'm still pre-op, trying to tick off the insurance requirements as quickly as I can get appointments to do them. I'm amazed at how quickly you got approval!! that's awesome! I wish you the best of luck - I'm sure that you will see relief of many of your symptoms as the weight comes off - and that loving husband will love you even more when you feel as sexy as he sees you to be. Confidence is everything, and you'll get it back when you see your body changing! Keep us updated on post-op!

I'm so happy that working has made it a little easier. I'm still pre-op and was thinking I'd want a month off work - but the more I think about that, the more I think that's a bad idea. Sitting around, alone, hurting and missing food - that SOUNDS depressing!! Getting back to "normal things" as quickly as possible seems like a much better route. I hope every day gets better than the last for you!! Good luck!

So far, I've just been talking to my mom about how I'm feeling, and I haven't shared all of it with her because, quite frankly, I just don't want to. She's been super supportive, but she also wants to have surgery (she wants to get a lap-band, tho) and so she wants to know as much of what I have to go through as possible before she decides to start her own journey. I love this board for connecting me with people who understand what I'm going through!! I'm actually looking forward to hitting the gym. Unfortunately, my friend who offered to take me hasn't been available. Sadly, her mother is in hospice and dying from cancer, so working out isn't exactly on her schedule right now. Thanks for the tip!! My friend told me that the machines were easy to use and that there's lots of helpful people. She talks about Planet Fitness like it's her favorite place ever! lol - I'm glad to hear that my feelings aren't unusual. I'm scared of dying fat, too... makes going through all of this a little easier to keep that in mind.

So, I have my first NUT visit on Tuesday. Tuesday will also by me 32nd birthday. Should be an interesting day... I've been food diary'ing per the instructions from the scheduler when I made my appointment. She said do it for a few days, I went ahead and started doing it last Tuesday so I could show her a whole week. What I've learned (well, what I kinda knew) is that I eat a lot of crap. Things that just aren't good. I always thought doing a food journal was a dumb idea. but really it makes you face what terrible things you put in your body. I realized that I obviously LOVE EGGS (from my head down to my legs ) because I had them like every other day this week. I also curbed a lot of my snacking just because I didn't want to write it down and have it stare me in the face. All those cliche things that I've heard through the years about the benefits of food journaling... I would have never thought they could actually be true!! I also asked my friend if she would take me to her gym. She has a membership that allows her to bring one guest a day. Now, I've never been in a gym (aside from school). I barely own gym clothes. I have never been one to work out. Correction, in 2001 (i think) I was nutso for Tae-Bo. My roommate at the time had a 5 year old daughter and we'd work the heck outta some Tae-Bo together! My friend was more than happy to accommodate taking me to her gym, but we still have to discuss a day/time to do it. I'm pretty anxious about it. She's overweight too, and the gym she goes to is Planet Fitness and she tells me that it's fine, it's "NO JUDGMENT" and that I don't have anything to worry about. Somehow, I don't take comfort... I just want to get it over with so I can get a few visits under my belt and feel comfortable enough to get a membership of my own. I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know if I'll be able to turn on the treadmill. HOW EMBARRASSING. Each step in this journey is breaking me down. Despite the sadness I seem to be having right now, there's also a hopefullness tucked in there. I'm starting to think this is me, mourning the passing of my old habits, my current life, and seeing that the difficulty I'm about to face is not the end, but the beginning of a new life. There's even a part of me that wonders if maybe I could actually be successful without surgery (and would that be better for my post-weight loss body? or am I fooling myself into thinking I could lose 200 lbs without WLS as a tool?). I keep repeating that this has taken over my mind since I decided to go down the WLS path. It's still true... I'm hoping that as I tick off these requirements and get closer to having surgery, I'll be able to resolve, or have better perspective on, all the emotions that I'm running through right now. I swear, the reason I'm scared of the psych eval is because I fear that I'm losing my GD mind. A MONTH AGO, THIS WASN'T EVEN A SEED IN MY MIND. And now here I am, unable to think about anything else, anxious for change, and for the first time in my life, hopeful for a future - and somehow sad through all of it. If anyone can relate or offer any thoughts on this subject, I'd love to hear it.

Even if you did get individual insurance right now 1) you might not even get approved for a policy if your current BMI is too high. Either you'd be denied or you'd have to pay extra. AND 2) you'd more than likely have a pre-existing condition clause that would exclude coverage for any medical conditions you already have (including obesity). So, you could potentially be upcharged 150% on your premium and STILL not get covered for what you need. Isn't insurance awesome? :\ I actually have decent group insurance, but who knows how long it will take to get approved... I can't seem to get answers. Almost makes me want to take a trip and self-pay anyway!! I'll most likely go to Mexico for plastic surgery when the time comes. As long as you do the research, I don't think the quality of the care you will get is any different. Good luck to you!!

That is so exciting!! I started my journey in July and I'm more nervous about getting approved to have it than actually having the surgery! I can't wait to feel that relief, to be able to embrace it, and I'm happy that you're getting yours done so quickly! It makes me hopeful for my journey. Good luck to you!!

And make sure that your doctor doesn't put his thumb over the xray when he looks at it and covers up said crayon, while you're at it. Can I just say that finding Simpsons fans on this site has MADE MY FRIGGIN DAY??

Thanks, Trcyprkr. I do know that it may be easier to get pregnant after weight loss. I'm more concerned with the permanent damage to my self esteem to ever want to date again. I haven't dated in years and I'm at the point where I don't want to be touched - or looked at, for that matter. I also confess that I fear never being in a significant relationship because I dislike my physical self so much. Probably TMI, but that's more along the lines of what I mean... I'm glad I'm not the only basket case out here! I've always said I don't want kids, when really i don't want A BABY. I like my sleep! I don't like the idea of trusting a babysitter with a child that can't talk to me and tell me if they're being taken care of properly. A kid, I'd love a kid. As I get older and have a closer bond with my mom, I kinda wish I had the same thing, a kid that would grow up to be an adult, having a hand at raising someone to be a productive member of society... I'd love THAT. But finding a man to marry? Getting married? Giving up my singledom? Giving up my living alonedom? Having a baby wake me up several times a night? No thanks! lol! That said, the idea of not having a child (and factor in that I'm an only child myself), I get nervous thinking about what my life will be like after my parents are gone... it makes me incredibly sad to think about being alone. I appreciate everyone letting me express myself here. It's therapeutic and so many of you are supportive and kind. Thank you so much!

I don't see why depression would mean I don't qualify for surgery. I am depressed, but most of that stems from my weight in the first place. I don't expect surgery to "cure" me of anything. I don't take meds and don't do therapy, I'd say I have a normal amount of stress and depression associated with being a working woman! If insurance didn't require it, I wouldn't be doing it. Point blank. I don't like the idea of paying someone to judge me or letting someone else decide if this is something I should do or not. :\