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I walked the dogs just now, noticed the mail on the washer on my way out. It was an envelope from aetna.....my letter of appeal has been approved. I'm so relieved.

Hello Sleever Family!
 
Today I attended my paternal grandmothers funeral in Arkansas. While this was a sad occassion, you must know that my granny was 77 years old - married to my Papa for 60 years - had 6 boys and 1 girl - and 74 grand, great grand and great great grand children! Needless to say, most of the church was filled with family. We had a grand celebration of her life!
 
During the 4.5 hour drive, I sipped on juice, water, and protein shakes. And since I was sleeved a little over a week ago, I ensured that I stopped to stretch and move around at least every two hours....(during my preop class, the nurse told a story of a lady that died from blood clots because she took an 8 hour trip shortly after surgery and only stopped once).
 
Where does the cornbread dressing come in.....HONEY CHILD!!!! Now you all know that there is one thing that you simply cannot resist when you are at grandma's house! I went into the kitchen with my cousins and there it was....cornbread freaking dressing. I debated on whether or not to take a chance but I knew that grandma had my back. I took the serving spoon and scooped out a small portion into a paper cup. Those were the best four teaspoons I have had of food in a long time. I chewed and savored but was sure not to gulp and overdo it. Nothing happened because I was not hungry, I just had to taste that cornbread dressing that was made with love by my Aunt.
 
During the 4.5 hour drive back home to Texas, I sipped on juice, water, and protein shakes.....back to reality!
 
Until next time.....peace and blessings from my family to yours! Good night!

As a social worker I have counseled many different types of people. I have counseled teenagers (my favorite), young children, addicts, adults, families, relationships (well the people in them), and just about any other type of person you can think of. I facilitated one on one sessions as well as group sessions and I loved both. However, I did enjoy facilitating group counseling the most. Seeing the dynamics of a group and watching it come together to help everyone involved in the group is an amazing thing. I have also always been a true believer that group counseling works becasue people listen to others who are going through or have been through the same issues they are going through. As a counselor, it's not really professional for me to tell clients what I've experienced personally but in a group setting, once trust is developed, the pure honesty that comes from the participants is better than any counseling I can give one on one...no matter how good I am at my job...and trust me, I'm good!!! LOL
 
Now, after reading that, I am sure you will find it comical that I have never been a fan of group counseling for myself. Leading the group is one thing but being part of the group and being completely open and honest with people I don't know is something far different. It falls in the "Do as I say, not as I do" category. Now, mentally I know group therapy works. I know it's far better than any one on one counseling session. But I still have never been able to bring myself to be part of a group counseling session for any reason. This is why when my doctor gave me a schedule for the local weight loss surgery groups in my area I politely smiled, said "thank you" and then gently placed it in the the garbage can when she left the room. I'm a very strong woman and the thought of being in a group listening to people cry over not being able to eat that candy bar, or better yet, eating the candy bar that they bought (even though they KNEW it was bad for them) is not on the top of my list of fun ways to spend an evening. This journey is tough enough that I don't need to hear people wine every week about their cravings. We all have cravings....we all know how to deal with them....either find something else to do or give into it. If you chose to give into it DO NOT CRY over the melted chocolate and stringy caramel that is now smeared all over your face. Trust me, tears and melted chocolate DO NOT mix well. I know that from personal history. Add ice cream to the mix and you just have a big ole mess and no one wants ice cream with tears in it. The tears take away the pure sugary taste and add salt....not good I tell you (again, personal experience) I know I sound mean and rude, and I don't mean to. I am just being honest about how I feel about these things. If I offended anyone, please hear me out before you write me a hateful comment.
 
With all that out there, I still believe we all need some type of support to help us through this. If groups work for you than that is great. I know they work for many people and can be used as an amazing tool. If you get enough support from your family and friends then you are very lucky as many things I've read on this site have shown me that many families aren't supportive (even significant others who seem to almost work against the person who is going through this life change). I have been very lucky. I have great friends and an amazing family and husband that have given me more support than anyone could ask for. They are all great at seeing the weight loss and noticing the changes in my food choices. But, and this is a BIG but, they don't REALLY understand what it's like to go through this EVERY day. They don't understand the mental lashing we give ourselves if we didn't make it to the gym, or if we went over out calorie goal for the day (even if we only went over by 20 calories). And let's be honest, sometimes the ones closest to us just don't know how to say the right thing (as shown below)
 

 
 
 
Being overweight, we become very good at mentally abusing ourselves. No matter how big the smile on our face is, it's only hiding the constant negative thoughts bouncing around the rubber room known as the brain. "Why did I eat that?" "You're never going to lose weight", "Maybe I supposed to be fat since I haven't lost anything in a month".....and so many more. Some of the inner attack thoughts can get so bad that we end up sobbing only to tell anyone who asks that we're crying due to PMS. I mean who wants to admit to anyone (especially the people we love the most) that the surgery was the easiest part....it's the mental stuff that will take so much longer to overcome than the learning to eat properly.
 
So, being of semi sound mind and body, I have to admit....I found my own type of group counseling, and it works great for me!!! I am on Myfitnesspal.com and though it took me awhile to ask for "friends", I am so glad I did. It's amazing what having a group of people who are going through EXACTLY what I'm going through has done for me. Seeing others with the same thoughts and the same concerns makes me feel not as crazy. Also, having people who know how difficult this is, cheering you on for ever little step, is amazing. I truly feel as though I have found my "sisters in weight loss". They build me up when I'm having a bad day, they listen and answer questions (no matter how far out there), and I do the same for them. Having these relationships that are truly 50/50 has made this process so much easier. It's made me feel not as alone or misunderstood. I enjoy logging in to the site to log in my food intake and seeing how others are doing on their journey. I love reading their positive reinforcements that they leave for others and for me. I love being able to give them the same type of positive reinforcement. I love having support!!! It's even better when the support is better than any I've found from a bra since my surgery. No matter how hard I try, these suckers need more than an under-wire and some positive reinforcement from me to stay up and at attention. (Sorry for the side bar)
 
So, it's official, I'm a changed woman. I have found to love the one thing I was never a fan of (for me). By being open to it, I have made some great new friends and I feel like this people have my back...no matter how big or small it is. They are all amazing people who are doing exactly what I am....trying to get healthy and lose weight....and if in the process I meet some great new people....well, that's just a wonderful bonus and that's one dish I'll go back for seconds for every time!!!!
 

It's been six months since my doctor removed 85% of my stomach. Since then, I haven't had any regrets...unless you take in consideration the thought that went through my head when I woke up while they were removing my breathing tube. But I don't count that since I was all drugged up and not thinking straight. Also, having Nurse Hatchet didn't help matters. However, with fall here and winter around the corner, I have to admit, there are a times I miss it a little. Not much, only a little bit. Like, I wish I had 25% of my stomach instead of 15%. Now, before you all go jumping on my back allow me to explain.
 
Tonight for dinner I made homemade chicken and dumplings. Now, that's bad enough for a sleever but I had to add more temptation to the mix. I had to make corn bread from scratch as well. I mean come on, you can't have one with out the other. It's just not Southern!!!! No self respecting Southerner would make chicken and dumplings with out making cornbread. And, though I'm not quite Southern...I'm below the Mason-Dixon line, so I'm close enough. LOL Also, I started feeling bad for my husband. Since my surgery, his diet has consisted of PB&Js and chicken. Not at the same time. But considering he's a meat and potato man, it's been a hard six months for him. He considers it a treat if I stop at McDonald's for him. Which is VERY hard for me as the smell has always turned my stomach but after surgery it's even worse.
 
So, I decided that if I were going to make him eat chicken again, I would make something he enjoys. I thought I would be fine with it. I know I can have about 1/4 a cup (a little less) of the chicken and dumplings (mostly chicken...maybe one or two dumplings) and maybe a bite of two of the cornbread. The problem is, I had forgotten how much I love both of these things. This is one thing my tastes buds did not change their opinion of....which isn't a good thing. Why couldn't they find both as disgusting as they find Whey protein? Or better yet, like Whey protein and hate the other?
 
So, after a little nibble of cornbread (a very little nibble), I wanted to eat the whole pan! This is the first time in six months that I've wanted to just gorge myself. Then, top it off with the chicken and dumplings and I actually had the thought of, "Man, I wish I had my stomach right now!" WHAT??? Why am I thinking thoughts like this? I know I won't over eat any of this yummy stuff in my kitchen but the thought of, "I would if I could", crossed my mind more than once.
 
Now, the reason I find this so strange is that I have always been a carb fanatic. I loved bread and pasta. I could eat a whole loaf of fresh baked bread in one sitting with no bad feelings. However, since surgery, I haven't really craved either things. Don't get me wrong, there are times I will have a little less than a 1/2 slice of wheat bread, toasted, with some type of protein but most times, i don't even think about it. That was not the case today. Those simple carbs wanted me and I have to admit, I wanted them. The attraction is still there despite how far we have both moved on with our lives.
 
So, with all this said, it's a good thing I only have 15% of my tummy. Because no matter how good either look, smell or taste....I wouldn't give up my 100+ pound weight loss for either things. That doesn't mean I can't dream about them...and how yummy a big bowl of chicken and dumplings and two or three slices of homemade, buttery cornbread would taste.....yes, I can dream and lose weight or I can eat and slime and possibly stretch my tummy out. I'll take that dream and weight loss any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
 
So readers, have you had anything like this happen to you yet? I think for me it has more to do with fall and winter coming and what I consider "comfort" food. All the warm, cheesy, gooey, stick to your ribs (and add pound after pound to your weight) has always been one if not the only good thing about a cold winter day. Looks like I'm going to have to find something else to take it's place....let's just hope it's not more chicken. I think my husband will finally leave me if I don't come up with something new for us to eat. I swear if he found a woman who cooked like I used to, he'd be a little tempted to cheat on me just for the food. Just kidding....I know he would never do it JUST for the food. LOL

Last Thursday I was supposed to start a water aerobics class. With that said, my feet haven't felt the warm water of the local Boys and Girls pool yet. Why you may ask? Is it becasue I'm lazy? Is it becasue i just don't want to? The answer to those questions is, "NO!!!". If I had the body of a "normal" 38 year old, I would have been in that pool kicking and jogging with the best of them. The problem is, I don't. I have a back like a 90 year old woman.
 
Now, before I really get started, this post is going to be a little bit of "OH, poor me" and "How unfair is this?" But, on the same note, I'm more venting than complaining....though they can sound very much the same. I need to say that I try really hard to be a positive person. I have been dealing with back pain that can make just getting out of bed feel like an Olympic event. But, I truly believe that ______ (fill in the higher being of your choice) doesn't give me more than I can handle. Even on days like today when I feel like there are three little men in my back doing construction and at the same time I feel as though I am giving birth out of my back. Yes, this is ON medication. People who don't deal with chronic pain can't understand the thought process that goes on when dealing with it. I'm a strong woman, and I fight through so much of the pain but believe it or not, the meds only help lessen it, not get rid of it. The scary thing is I know that one thing many people don't think about. I know the pain can get worse. Therefore, I have to be happy that I'm not at that point.
 
I think my frustration with my back pain comes from a few places. 1. The weather is changing. When the weather gets colder, the pain gets worse. Also, I had a pool only a block away that I cold go to and do whatever activities I could. Now, I have to drive someplace and be there at a certain time and hope my back is cooperating with me on that day. 2. I have been going up and down within five pounds for a month now. I know I've eaten things I shouldn't, but there have only been a handful of times I have gone over my allotted calories for the day and when I did, it was no more than 100 calories. So, the fact that I'm on a HUGE stall (I've been the same weight (give or take) for two months. It sucks becasue I see other people who are five to six months out and they have lost so much more than I have. I KNOW, I KNOW....everyone losses at different rates. That's all fine and good unless you're the one who's not losing.
 
Now that I've complained....wait, I mean vented. I will say that I've learned a few things in the past month and a half. First, Nutella is NOT MY FRIEND. I am not sure why I love it now. I hated before surgery. Second, I think I am one of those people who can not lose weight unless I'm active. This goes back to what my mother always said, "You were a thin child until you went to school and had to sit still all day." The issue with this is that I can't move much everyday. Even on the good days I have to fight tears and my negative thoughts to get through any activity.
 
So, with my new awareness, I plan to take one day at a time. I plan to not work out when my body won't let me. I plan to not eat Nutella...well at least not during the NON-PMS times. I plan to try to not get on the scale every day. That just makes me feel worse. And last but not not least, I plan to be happy with who I am. I am a size 16/18 and I haven't been that size since H.S. I should be so happy that I'm bouncing off the walls. Of course, that may just hurt my back a little more....so, I think I'll stick to doing what I'm doing and only doing what I can. That's all we can do. I remember after surgery thinking that walking a mile would be an unattainable task. Now, on a good day, I can walk three. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that my body, no matter how broken it is, can still persevere. Now, if only it will persevere and lose another fifty pounds all would be good.

So I made it!! Surgery was 9/21, wow there were some moments that I wasn't really sure I had made the right choice. The nausea, the pain and the taste all fun and adventurous! But now at 1 week and 2 days out, i am almost up to 64 oz of water a day, walking just over 1/2 mile a day and at 2 8 oz protien shakes, I am working it!! Things still taste funny, and I am learning to just deal. But oh by the way the weight loss? Yep super psyched about 15 lbs in 1 week. So to all preoppers, just hang in there it's all going to be worth it!!

So I made it!! Surgery was 9/21, wow there were some moments that I wasn't really sure I had made the right choice. The nausea, the pain and the taste all fun and adventurous! But now at 1 week and 2 days out, i am almost up to 64 oz of water a day, walking just over 1/2 mile a day and at 2 8 oz protien shakes, I am working it!! Things still taste funny, and I am learning to just deal. But oh by the way the weight loss? Yep super psyched about 15 lbs in 1 week. So to all preoppers, just hang in there it's all going to be worth it!!

So I made it!! Surgery was 9/21, wow there were some moments that I wasn't really sure I had made the right choice. The nausea, the pain and the taste all fun and adventurous! But now at 1 week and 2 days out, i am almost up to 64 oz of water a day, walking just over 1/2 mile a day and at 2 8 oz protien shakes, I am working it!! Things still taste funny, and I am learning to just deal. But oh by the way the weight loss? Yep super psyched about 15 lbs in 1 week. So to all preoppers, just hang in there it's all going to be worth it!!

So I made it!! Surgery was 9/21, wow there were some moments that I wasn't really sure I had made the right choice. The nausea, the pain and the taste all fun and adventurous! But now at 1 week and 2 days out, i am almost up to 64 oz of water a day, walking just over 1/2 mile a day and at 2 8 oz protien shakes, I am working it!! Things still taste funny, and I am learning to just deal. But oh by the way the weight loss? Yep super psyched about 15 lbs in 1 week. So to all preoppers, just hang in there it's all going to be worth it!!

All of my life I have been bigger. With that said, I didn't really care becasue I was always in shape and very active. I played tennis is high school and swam every day. I would hike when I was able and I could slam the crap out of a racquetball ball. Then BAM!!!! That all changed 18 years ago. I was 20 years old, in college, and having the time of my life when my disc decided it didn't like the home it had and that it wanted to go explore the rest of my back. The first two years after this happened, I was still able to do some activities, but I had to be mindful of my back. Then, over time, it got worse and I did less and less until I could no longer fathom the idea of doing any activity. Truth is, when you deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, you get tired of it and you want to do anything you can to get it to stop. My anything was doing nothing.
 
Now, after my surgery I have been doing more than I have in years. I walk almost daily or do some other type of cardio. And even though I'm still in horrible pain, I figure it's worth it to be healthy. I am only 5 months out and I have lost over 100lbs from my highest weight and around 75 from my surgery day. Now, you can't lose that much weight that fast with out some repercussions. And trust me, I have some. If you have read my blog for awhile, you know that I have already commented about my boobs. For those of you who don't know, my boobs are the things I miss the most. Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked, I sing, "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?" They seem to hang a little lower every day. I'm starting to think they are depressed. Maybe I should give them some antidepressants to perk them back up....do you think that would work? I wish!!!
 
I had just learned to accept my boobs then out of nowhere I noticed something today that totally caught me off guard. I have wings!!! You know the extra skin under your arm that just hangs there and flops back and forth. I thought I was doing well with not getting any of that. I have made sure that I have worked my arms (with my shake weight, and while walking) but apparently that hasn't been enough. I am 38 years old and I have the back, boobs and arms of an 80 year old. Then, to make it just a little worse, I can start to see the extra skin on my tummy. My oh my, I'm just going to be skinny...yes, the pun was intended. But seriously people....it sucks. We work so hard following the program, doing what we need to do, and fighting daily urges to not eat certain things and to keep active and yet some of us will still have these issues.
 
I guess I'll have to accept my new wings like I accepted my boobs. I can't do anything about it right now. The good thing is that now I won't have to pay those high prices for airfare. I can just hold out my arms on a windy day and "Fly like and eagle". Now, if only I can find something useful for my droopy boobs to do....that's going to take some thought.

So survived my preop, and EKG, CXR and labs! I am nervous and excited, I get to start my liquid diet on the 14th, yikes!! As I type my palms are sweaty! and I have butterflies. I have to say I love my hubs, who is trying to be a sweet supportive man. He is exercising more and trying to make healthier meals. I do love him, and he plans to spend the 2 1/2 days (if all goes well) in the hospital with me. I am ready for this! I can do this! I will suceed !! I have been for the last month having liquids for lunch, and now I added liquids at breakfast, so I am working up to the 14th and beyond. I found a bulk food store that sells, unflavored whey protien, powdered eggs, and different powdered soups. and PB2 which I added to a shake and it's pretty tasty (it low fat powdered peanut butter) 85% less fat 45 calories! And now I need to go amp up the exercise. My inner Diva just keeps chanting GO! You are a WINNER! and dancing the Cha Cha!

So survived my preop, and EKG, CXR and labs! I am nervous and excited, I get to start my liquid diet on the 14th, yikes!! As I type my palms are sweaty! and I have butterflies. I have to say I love my hubs, who is trying to be a sweet supportive man. He is exercising more and trying to make healthier meals. I do love him, and he plans to spend the 2 1/2 days (if all goes well) in the hospital with me. I am ready for this! I can do this! I will suceed !! I have been for the last month having liquids for lunch, and now I added liquids at breakfast, so I am working up to the 14th and beyond. I found a bulk food store that sells, unflavored whey protien, powdered eggs, and different powdered soups. and PB2 which I added to a shake and it's pretty tasty (it low fat powdered peanut butter) 85% less fat 45 calories! And now I need to go amp up the exercise. My inner Diva just keeps chanting GO! You are a WINNER! and dancing the Cha Cha!

So survived my preop, and EKG, CXR and labs! I am nervous and excited, I get to start my liquid diet on the 14th, yikes!! As I type my palms are sweaty! and I have butterflies. I have to say I love my hubs, who is trying to be a sweet supportive man. He is exercising more and trying to make healthier meals. I do love him, and he plans to spend the 2 1/2 days (if all goes well) in the hospital with me. I am ready for this! I can do this! I will suceed !! I have been for the last month having liquids for lunch, and now I added liquids at breakfast, so I am working up to the 14th and beyond. I found a bulk food store that sells, unflavored whey protien, powdered eggs, and different powdered soups. and PB2 which I added to a shake and it's pretty tasty (it low fat powdered peanut butter) 85% less fat 45 calories! And now I need to go amp up the exercise. My inner Diva just keeps chanting GO! You are a WINNER! and dancing the Cha Cha!

Tomorrow is my birthday.
 
I've been very sad lately, thinking about the life I've wasted. My best friend is in a hospital right now literally watching her mother die. She would give anything for one more good day, and here I sit, wasting my life. Hiding myself because I'm too embarrassed of my appearance to embrace this life I've been blessed with.
 
I remember on my 23rd birthday getting up and ready to go out to dinner with my parents. That day, I had no pants that I fit into. I had nothing to wear. I cried because I felt so hopelessly big. I couldn't even call someone to borrow something - no one I knew was as big as me.
 
And here I am, about to turn 32, and feeling the exact same way. Except that I probably weigh 100lbs more than I did back then. I felt hopeless back then, and now I'd love to be 100lbs lighter. I wish I was that size again. I am already worried about how my mind is going to handle being self-confident again (although, I don't think I ever truly was self-confident). A lifetime of misery isn't something easy to overcome. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those people who can't see themselves how they really are, because I'm only JUST NOW, at age 32, weighing over 400 lbs, beginning to realize how big I am. I'm "Oh, I hope I don't break that chair" fat. THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED MY LIFE TO BE.My parents gave me this card for my birthday, explaining how proud they are of me, how they are amazed by everything I've accomplished and how strong I am. And I'm reading it, thinking to myself "What have I done for you to be proud of?" I'm their only child, and i'm this single, hermit-like woman who hasn't accomplished much but graduating high school and being employed. I guess they can be proud that I don't ever ask them for money. I don't feel like I'm worthy of their pride. Is losing weight gonna help me love myself? Not completely, but I really hope it helps. I don't like being so harsh on myself. I just don't know how to shut the negative thoughts off sometimes.
 
I'm just over it. I want to move on. I wish I could snap my fingers and have surgery tomorrow... but I'm just getting this train started. Who knows how long I have to wait...
 
I'm getting anxious with the process, which is resulting in some depression on my end, and due to other factors in my life (like my friend's mother's illness, for example). Times like this make me feel especially lonely. On the bright side, I have the day off work tomorrow. And I go to my first NUT visit. I hope it's a good day. I usually have a good day on my birthday, let's hope this one is the same. And let me be a little selfish and wish that my best friend's mother doesn't die on my birthday...
 
Sorry if this comes off as too depressing. I've just had a lot on my mind lately.

I got my psych eval today. A nice little letter to say I have no mental disorders... kinda want to have that framed. For reference. To remind myself I'm sane. To prove such to others who know me and doubt that.
 
Went to my PCP yesterday for a routine visit and my bp is finally under control. Halleloo for that! Had a pap that wasn't as embarrassing or as torturous as I thought it might be.
 
My PCP said my insurance will want 3 months of supervised diet. But because he doesn't have a scale that will weigh me, he's gonna see if we can get around that. Otherwise, I'm looking at end of November for referral to surgeon. Supposedly things move quickly from that point.
 
My PCP didn't know anything about VSG. The NUT I went to sort of looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about when I said "vertical sleeve" as the answer to the surgery I wanted. The psychologist had no idea what VSG is. So, I'm kinda at the point where I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping for the best but sorta getting the sneaking suspicion that I'm going about this wrong, that I'm being misled and that I have no one who can tell me to do otherwise. *sigh* and I don't know anyone IRL who has had VSG or any wls on my type of insurance. I'm lost! I hope all these copays aren't all in vain!
 
That said, I'm really trying to stay optimistic. I can't wait to get on the loser's bench already!

I've been trying to implement change in my life. It hasn't been easy. My sub-conscious isn't going down without a fight! It's been really hard to fight the urge for carbs, but I took a huge step today by eliminating most of them from my cabinets.
 
I did some shopping over the weekend and again, it was really hard to fight the carb monster. Oh, my favorite macaroons are fresh out of the oven? NO! RESIST! Free sample of my favorite pizza? STOP!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Toaster Strudel on sale!? YOU BASTIDS!
 
And then it was like a light bulb went off (dimly, still working on it), and I realized that Toaster Strudel is probably a great representation of my overall diet choices. Easy, sweet, reminiscent of fruit (but not actual fruit) and comes with an icing packet so I can feel like I contributed to my meal prep. How terribly sad and ridiculous is it to live like that??
 
So, instead I've been implementing some changes. I've been trying out protein shakes as meal replacements, and so far it's going great. I've been enjoying Muscle Milk, vanilla creme and chocolate are all I've tried, and playing around with flavors. I have some sugar-free chai mix, some extracts and sugar-free syrups that have made it a little more fun. I've been using the ready-to-drink variety of muscle milk and am nervous about buying the big canister. Does it taste the same? Anyone know about this?
 
Also, I've discovered Greek yogurt. Never used to be a yogurt fan, but never tried Greek yogurt since it became "the thing". "If I don't like the regular kind, why would I want the Greek kind?" I'd rationalize to myself like an idiot. It's amazing! I really like Fage the best, but have been settling for Oikos because it's been on sale for the last 2 weeks at my local store. Of all I tried, Fage peach is my hands down favorite. So I've been replacing a meal with yogurt. Well, not the WHOLE meal. I used to buy lunch at the cafeteria at my work, which is usually some double portion carb mess covered in gravy, or a super salty soup with pre-made caesar salad on the side and a big sugary lemonade. Now, I bring a yogurt, some cheese slices and have bottled water instead of the lemonade. I'll get a soup or fresh fruit from the caf if I'm hungry, but I'm usually not. All the extra protein is really making a difference in my appetite!
 
So that brings us to the point in my day once I'm home. I live alone. I have no one to shame me or call me out for making bad choices. That's part of why I'm glad to purge my cabinets. I'll have to use all my willpower not to re-purchase those things, but not having them here is a huge step. When I'm home and ready for dinner, I have a Lean Cuisine. Not the best, but it's portion controlled and easy. Living alone=having all the chores and cooking and cleaning is not how I want to spend my time... half way through cooking the meal, my back will start to ache. Then by the time I'm done and have sat down, ate, food coma sets in, cleaning up is the last thing on my mind. I'm really hoping that losing some weight will give me energy back to DO CHORES. I feel like I'm so gung-ho about changing my diet, that part has been easy, actually, but I have no drive whatsoever to be physically active. I really want that to change. But it's such a short amount of time before my back aches or my feet ache or I'm sweating and feel disgusting...
 
Can't want for all these changes to add up to a better life.
 
I just re-read this and realized my goal for physical fitness is to be able to do chores! HAHHAHHAHA - not climb a mountain, run a 5k - but do some chores. I can't tell if that's very sad or very Marge Simpson of me. lol!!

October 1st, 2012, that is the date. The date I will have VSG and start back towards being myself. In this picture I'm at 215#'s. I felt really good, and my daughter called me "freakishly thin". I hope is that this surgery not only helps me get back there-but to stay there (or a little thinner even would be nice!). Notice October 1st, 2009 I also embarked on what I thought was my LAST diet. Yeah, right. So, all the hoops have been jumped through, all the tests done, the date has been decided, and now I countdown..........

Since having this surgery October 13th I have lost 63 pds and feel great. People that did not know can not help but ask how I have lost the weight. I have no trouble explaining to them the struggles I have gone through my whole life. Those of you that have had the surgery and those thinking about it all have let FOOD control us and our lifestyle.
 
It is crazy to look back and see how our everyday lives were centered around food; what we ate, when we ate, when are we eating next, and how hungry we are. The only way to become satisfied was to eat and eat and eat some more. Post op the same questions are asked but different amount of food is needed to become satisfied and full. Sometimes it is even a struggle to remember to eat, because I do not find myself thinking about food like I did pre-op.
 
At this stage of post op, I am excited about adding in different proteins and vegtables and fruits to my diet. I know how full I get on the little amount of protein, but I am still looking forward to trying new things.
 
I have recently started adding in Bananas and Peanut Butter to my Whey Protein Shake. This is so satisfying with that ice and Skim Milk. It is more satisfying then eggs that I alternate.
 
I have started to eat few different soups also - mostly chili for protein and still enjoy beef and chicken bouilon. I love shrimp and immitation crab meat, and all of the frozen fish.
 
I have only had a two problems with " throwing up" and that was due to drinking too soon after finish eating and or not chewing food good enough. My Dr. says it is okay to drink fluids (Water) until you eat, but to wait 30 minutes after before drinking again. I must remember to chew well and slow. Really not too big of deal as you are retraining yourself on how to eat.
 
One of the struggles is just to remember to take the vitamins. I am taking the fusion berry vitamins and my taste for them has become better. At first I felt like gagging, but realized I will need these for the rest of my life and it is a good thing, and they do start tasting better.
 
I guess before I get to far off of track I want to explain the header of this "Are you ready for this lifestyle".
 
I struggled enough with weight issues and being a "yo yo" my whole life. I came to the realization that this surgery is not a "cure all" but a TOOL to help me succeed. I know myself well enough that being compulsive, as most of obese people seem to be, that I would eat and still eat and eat some more. It did not matter if I was hungry or not, If I was bored, watching TV, or drove by a McDonalds, or just felt like it I was going to eat.
 
I came to the realization that I have lost the weight before but it was too much of a struggle to try again, when I already new the end result; I would gain it all back and plus 10. I could not do the exercise as I was too out of shape and not motivated. I was diabetic, high blood pressure, high choles, fatty lipids disease, sleep apnic, and one step away from a heart attack! Something had to be done and my Dr. suggested lap band or some form of the WLS. I checked into it researched it and went to seminars etc... To me it was all about timing and a GOD thing. Don't get me wrong I had second thoughts, sought out counseling, talked with many people and had many opinions, but ultimately this was decision I prayed about and felt it needed to be done, so I would have a future. It was the Sleeve I felt was going to work best for me.
 
Right now I have lost 63pds. I started @ 330 on October 13th and weighed earlier this week 267. I was in size 48 pts and now in 40 and 42's. I have started exercising and doing P90X and amazed I can make it through an entire work out. So the lifestyle change has advantages and I was ready for the physical change, but pre-op I was also ready mentally.
 
This surgery is a tool that has helped me and could also be the answer for you. One must research, ask the questions, follow the guidelines of the diet, be ready mentally, and do it for the right reasons. I am writing this to share so others can have a better understanding and know that if obese you are not alone. There are many choices for you, but you have to find what will work best for you.
 
To let you know, although I am still in the early stages post op I am excited about the future and the benefits from this surgery, # 1 reason is being HEALTHY! Now I can spend the next 40 plus years of my life, GOD WILLING, doing things I was not able to do the previous 42 years because of being obese! Each day is NEW and I LOVE IT, and MY WIFE and DAUGHTERS do too!
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Dennis P. Clark Jr.

Right before I had my surgery my boyfriend broke up with me. The idea of me losing weight intimidated the life out of him. That was in May of 2011. I had my surgery in August 2011. I have lost 70 pounds. Recently I have been kicking around the idea of getting back on the horse so to speak. I have gone on a few first dates. I have tried to set it up to where we do not eat on these dates. More like a sit and talk and drink coffee date.
 
I honestly have no idea how to explain my decision to a stranger. So far it hasn’t been a problem. To be fair, the guys I have dated so far have been…well let’s just say we haven’t been compatible.
 
I’ve been talking to a new guy lately. I like him. I like him a lot. He is very different from anyone I have ever met. He wants to take me out to dinner. I am nervous about eating in front of him. I thought if I ordered soup maybe it would be okay. But I know from experience that people freak out when they see how little I eat.
 
I dread the idea of his first impression of me. I dread having to explain that I have had VSG. I really like this guy. And to be honest- I am tired of dating. I had pretty much just given up when I met him. He wants to go out next weekend. I am nervous and worried. I like him- I didn’t really like the others.

As always, I have made my neighbors wonder how I ever got out of the mental institute. At least this time, I didn't flash some poor, unexpecting man my boobs...though he really did seem to enjoy that. No, today I did that thing that we all do sometimes when we are working out. I forgot I was in public. Not only was I in public, it was 7am and there were TONS of people out walking (their dogs or themselves).
 
Before I went on my 2mile walk (yes, two miles...thank you...thank you...thank you...you can hold your applause now LOL) I decided to add some old CDs that I had found to my phone so that I would have something different to listen to as I walked. Great idea right? This would help motivate me, get me moving a little faster, and help keep me walking more than I have been. Well, that's all true. EXCEPT one thing....I forgot how much I enjoyed some of these tunes. So, not only was I singing along as I walked (I tried to stop when I saw someone coming), I was also doing that upper body dance thing with my arms....you know the one right? It's when you start moving your arms and bobbing up and down?! But, that wasn't the worst part, the worst was when I decided to get my legs involved. Apparently, I didn't think putting one foot in front of the other was good enough. Nope, I thought it would be neat to do a little side step ever once and a while....as well as some some back and forth foot work. This wouldn't have been too bad except I got caught BIG time. Not just by the person in front in me walking their dog, but also by the man driving behind me. I have no idea how long either one was there. The BEST part of the whole thing was watching the man walking directly toward me get the look on his face as to say, "what is wrong with her" and ever so slowly cross the road for no other reason to get away from me. And yes, I made sure to say, "Hello" as I passed. I thought about stopping and petting the dog, but I didn't want to be sprayed with mace. LOL
 
After being caught twice in a matter of seconds, I decided that I should stop my dancing and focus on walking. That was all well and good until "Brown Eyed Girl" came on. Something took over and I was unable to control myself. The words came pouring out of my mouth and my arms and shoulders started going. That is until I noticed an older woman walking her dog and another man attempting to control his dog. It was barking and attempting to break away in an attempt to get to me...and it didn't appear that he wanted to give me lovings. Apparently dogs are not very fond of my singing ability. Damn, and I was planing on auditioning for the Voice next year....LOL.
 
Now that I am home, safe and sound. I have decided that going for my walk in the morning is not the best idea. I think I will leave the walking to the afternoon or evening when there are less people out there to scare. I mean come on, I've got to maintain some type of normalcy....or at least pretend to. Now excuse me as I go turn up Price and dance around the house like the Dancing Queen I (think) am.

I started walking again today. It's funny how taking only a month off can totally change your ability. I went from feeling like a marathon runner (without the running part) to feeling like child learning how to walk for the first time. Why is my heart beating so fast and why am I sweating enough to quench the thirst of a small 3rd world country? I don't remember it being this bad when I first started after my surgery. That could be becasue I knew I couldn't do much then and now I feel like I should be able to do more than I was doing when I stopped walking. One cool thing that I noticed was that my shorts didn't do the "lets hide in the crotch" thing they do when you're overweight and walking. You know what I mean. It's when the front of your shorts ride up and bunch up near your crotch. Then you try to pull them down with out looking too obvious but deep down you know everyone can see you doing it. Then you start to walk again and BAM there they are right back up to your crotch. Yeah, that thing....well, it happened a little but not enough for me to have to stop and pull them down. 100lbs ago I would have had to pull them down every few steps...hence the reason I never worked out in shorts until now.
 
Needless to say, I got in 1.25 miles. Much less than I wanted but much more than my back was telling me I could do. My back is still bad, but I know if I keep it up my back will get used to it. It's just getting through what I call the "pain hump" That's the time during and after your workout (for about 2 weeks) where you feel like you're back is broken and you can't move an inch, let alone a mile. It's the time where mind over matter kicks in and sometimes matter wins. But, if you're lucky, you will fight through it and take charge. If you do, not only will you feel better physically, but also emotionally. This point was proven when I came home and started cleaning. I've been looking at the house for days thinking about how it needed to be cleaned but I always found something more important to do...like watch T.V. However, today I felt so good after my walk that I didn't want to just sit and do nothing....so, I cleaned. Now, not only do I feel good about myself, I feel good about my house too. LOL

The past month has been really bad for me. I've been in severe pain with my back and have not been able to walk or do any water workouts. Then, to make it even worse, I've been cheating. I have been eating candy...good, yummy, chocolatey candy. At first I blamed it on my period, but unless my PMS and period are a month long thing now, that can't be the reason. Then, I really started to think about why I would be eating so badly. Then it hit me. I eat out of boredom. To make it worse, I graze all day long and not on good things. I graze on chocolate and nuts.
 
Now, prior to surgery I was not a huge chocolate fan. I could live with out it, even during those monthly visits that we woman get. I was always a straight candy type of girl. I liked the surgery sticky candy the best. Mary Janes, Laffy Taffy....that was my weakness. Not any more. Now I'm a chocolate girl. Even though it makes my acid reflux horrible, I have been on a huge chocolate kick and it finally stopped TODAY.
 
I had to take a really good look at what was going on and why I was eating the way I was. After breaking it all down and analyzing the data, I can see that I eat or graze out of boredom. I also found that I am bored a lot. You have to understand, I am a worker. I love to work and I'm good at my chosen field. However, due to my back, I haven't been working for the past year and a half. The past month, my pain has been so bad that I can't even do things around my house. Because of that, I watch a lot of T.V. and pace a lot. Both are a set up for grazing. Now, becasue I can't fix my back, and I can't work, I have to figure out how not to allow boredom to take over and lead me to the kitchen. The first thing I figured out was that I have to use my Fitnesspal.com account. I have to write down everything I eat. If I don't, I underestimate what I've had. Seeing what I've eaten and having it right there is also a good way to keep me accountable. So, today, I started using my account again. And, so far, no grazing.
 
Now, I know it's not going to be easy. I am going to have to be very aware of when and why I am eating. But, at least I haven't gained any weight and I figured it out before I returned completely back to my old ways. It's funny, I was doing so well and I am so happy with how I feel and look but for some reason I still find comfort in food even when I don't want to. Having the surgery was the easy part....maintaining and changing who we are and how we eat is the hard part. Lucky for me, I have all you here to keep me honest with myself. I think having this blog and having people read it who understand what I'm going through will help me make it through this hurdle and continue moving towards that 150lob goal I have. I am only 70lbs away....if I've lost 100 in five months, I can lose the rest as long as I keep myself honest and do what I know I have to.
 
So, today is the day I continue on my journey. I have moved over the hurdle and I will continue to follow the plan. I won't allow food to overtake my life again. I was so unhappy before surgery, and I never want to feel like that again.

Only five days left of my lovely liquid diet. I have to say it is not as bad as I thought it would be, I haven't killed anyone. I do miss chewing my food but it is worth it, I am worth it. I do experience headaches but it is nothing asprin can't handle. I have been very tired but I use crystal light energy and that keeps me up while I am working. I am looking forward to working out today, I have a gym membership at the wellness center at the hospital where I will have my surgery. I love water aerobics. I have always liked exercising it is just that at my weight I can only do about a minute so water aerobics is the only option where I can move for a couple hours consistently. I am so excited that I get 3 weeks off from work, I have to say I will definitely be finding a new job, that is half of the joy of having surgery is just to be away from work. I was born for retirement but my checkbook thinks other wise. So looking forward to all that is coming, good luck and blessings to all

Dear food,
 
You have been a source of refuge and comfort for a long time, something to warm me on cold winter nights and to celebrate life's milestones. But sadly, our relationship is no longer working for me.
 
You've become an obsession, an unhealthy and unproductive millstone. So I've decided that it's time to say goodbye. There are some special mentions I'd like to make...good bye massive bowls of spaghetti, blocks of chocolate, cheesy pizza and my old friend, coke. Though over the coming days our parting will be difficult, and I will no doubt long for the days when I would indulge in you with impunity, I am excited to let you go.
 
I will get an opportunity to explore life beyond this obsession. So with sadness but absolute determination, fare thee well, old friends.
 
With no regrets, Lila
 
(I start my pre-op diet in the morning And I am actually feeling excited about it! Wish me luck!!)

Growing up, I always knew I was intelligent. I never "got" high school and I never understood why some women are so obsessed with other women and their choices. I also never "got" the whole obsession with actors. I know I will never meet one and if I do, he is not going to sweep me off my feet and marry me. Come on, how many actors are married to regular people? And if there are some, how many found the average woman walking down the street? However, I always knew I'd marry someone just like me. Someone who loves to get out and do things. Someone who loves nature. Someone who loves New York City as much as he loves a log cabin in the middle of nowhere.
 
I was wrong. I married my best friend, and I have no regrets However, he's the type of man I never thought I would be with. The kind of guy I used to stand up for high school even though I never quite got their obsession with D&D and computers. I always did understand the feeling of not fitting in or thinking a little or lot outside of the box. I watched "Sliders" and "Quantum Leap" but "Dr. Who" and "Star Trek" were never interesting to me. When I met my husband, I used to laugh at him when he would put on these shows, or when he would sit in front of computer for hours on end killing imaginary creatures in imaginary worlds. But, lately, I've realized that my husband didn't change me, he allowed me to find and appreciate my inner geek. And to be honest, I kind of like her.
 
She's smart. She get's sarcasm (in case you haven't noticed from my blogs). She's direct. She's a leader. She's a pretty darn cool chick if you ask me. But, there are still things I don't like. Old "Dr. Who" is boring to me (please don't yell at me for that), "Star Trek" isn't as bad, but I can always find something else to watch, and I still don't understand the whole, sit in front of the computer, killing others thing. Why would I do that when I can sit on here reading status updates from people I haven't seen in twenty years and probably have nothing in common with or "PIN" things that I will never do? I mean come on, at least my stuff COULD happen...one day...maybe....ok, NEVER. LOL.
 
So, for now, I am allowing my inner dork to show her head sometimes. I think we all have a little bit of this person inside of us. The person we tried to hide from others (especially in H.S). The person who sings and dances in the kitchen for no reason and makes up songs while chopping veggies...(in the "here comes the bride tune) "Here comes the knife....all in my hand...he's going to get you and help send you to tummy land" Yes, I do all of those things. I am a DORK. I am a GEEK. I am NERD.....but, I'm also all those other things I've been my whole life....now, I'm just more complete.
 
 
NOTE: I read this to my husband and his response was, "You left out the SCA" Now, for those who doubt I married a geek, you can go check out www.sca.org. The website will explain it much better than I can. No it's not like the move, "Role Models" or a Renfair However, my husband does leave me for weeks at a time to roll play and 'kill" other people. I am not involved....this is just one thing I never could "get" but hey, let my husband enjoy his inner geek....his is much more out in the open than mine.