Kime-lou

It has been a long time since I have written or read much on this site. Work is kicking my butt, working about 9-10 hours a day in the office, then coming home to do house work. It's become a work, work, work atmosphere and it's getting me down. This past Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping, I was exhausted. It's just Tuesday and I have already put in 22 hours. My body aches, I feel blah, and have zero motivation or desire to do anything more that what is necessary. Exercise just ain't happening and lately neither has healthy eating. I caught myself today eating like I use to and it scared me. I haven't had time to think lately or put much effort into meals. Breakfast is still the same yogurt, blueberries with a sprinkle of granola. Lunch is anything from cereal to take out. Today a friend went to Moes and got me a burrito bowl. I was busy working at my desk, she put it in front of me and said eat. I said thanks and started working. I was working and eating and caught myself mindlessly eating and shoveling it in. That is a habit I never want to see again. When I finally get home from work, I have no energy left to want to cook, so it easy stuff like bag meals or delivery pizza. Thankfully, this crazy time tends to only last about a month, before things get back to normal. I can't wait!! My stress level is higher than it's been in a very long time, people at work are ill, the new computer system at work plan out sucks and cause me to work twice as hard to do half the work. Honestly, I want to sit down and cry. My weight is still holding in the 186-189 range, which I guess I should be thankful that it hasn't gone up considering my horrific eating habits of late. With all the stress it causes me to look at myself like I use to- like a huge fat blob that will never loose weight so why try. I know 60 lbs are gone, but I still feel huge. I am guessing it's the working myself to the bone, exhaustion, time of the month, ect that are getting me down. I had so hoped that by this time or at least by Christmas this year I would be at my goal of 140, but I am starting to think I will never get there and why try. Any one with some words of wisdom or some encouragement out there? Totally feeling down and unworthy.

Thanks all! We have a 3 day weekend coming, but it is full. The normal - grocery time and cleaning the house. My BFF had a baby yesterday, so we are going an hour north to see them and meet our new godson. Sunday we are going to my moms, because we haven't seen them in a couple of weeks. Monday I hope to get a little rest and go out for our anniversary dinner. The hubs and I will have been married 4 years on Sept 5, but we know we won't be able to celebrate during the week. I hit the bed about 8:00 last night and got up at my normal 5 am. I however, feel tired already. Don't know what's wrong with me. All I want to do is sleep and eat. Have a doctor's appointment next week, hopefully they will do blood work and see what's up.

Work has been crazy lately, life has been crazy. I am busier than ever, but I am doing pretty well. There are times when I get down and out, but for the most part I feel stronger than I was 5 years ago. This past weekend I went out of town, up to Ohio to visit my MIL. I realized on this trip, going through airports, going to new places, walking down crowed streets, taking city buses, that I am not nearly as self concious as I once was. What a great feeling to walk down the street or into places and hold my head up. Going into resturants and ordering, I don't feel self concious about my order. I just don't worry nearly as much about what people think of my outside. I lived life from 6 years old until 32 now always worried about how people view my outside. When getting back to work this week, another big thing happend. In years past I would never stand up for myself- I was meek and quiet especially in confrontation. I HATE confrontation. Due to my job I often have confrontations with parents who want me to bend rules or plan out break them for their child. I hated it when I got in confrontations with co-workers. Well, my secretary screwed up majorly while I was out of town. I decided that I was not going to be the one to call the families and apologize for the problems. I took the forms back to her, told her what was wrong and to contact the families. She went off, she yelled, was very rude. In times past I would have hung my head and walked away. This time I looked her in the eye and told her she needed to calm down, that yelling at me because she screwed up was not acceptable and I would not take that. She cried left work, came back the next day and acted as if nothing happend. I stood up for me!!! What a great feeling. I am becoming more outgoing and confident in myself and my skin. I have never know what that was like. It's a glorious feeling. I realize that my no means am I a tiny girl. I wear a size 12/14 comfortably. I feel normal- like a typical person, not shamoo on legs. I feel like at 32 almost 33 years old I am finally coming into myself and it's all because I made the choice to get the band and use it. I so wish everyone who has ever felt meek and awkward due to their weight could feel like I do right now. It is liberating. I makes me want to go out and when I see a large person tell them you don't have to live like that anymore. There is hope, there is help- you just have to use it to choose it. So this morning despite my feelings of not having lost enough, I am doing the happy dance and being thankful for how my life has changed due to my band.

I LOVE mexi food, I mean totally love it. The problem with US mexi resturants is the food tends to be loaded with salt, which is why the hubs and I don't go often. A friend of mine who is married to a great guy from Mexico, gave me the following recipe for a healthy fajita meal. 1 large chicken breast cut into strips 1 large onion cut into strips 1 large pepper cut into strips 1 teaspoon of cumin dash of lime juice salt and pepper to taste In a skilled I put a little canola oil let it get warm, add the onion and peppers - sprinkle with a little salt and pepper. When the the onion has begun to turn transluncent move the veggies to one side and add the chicken to the other. Cook for a min, then stir and add the cumin. Allow to cut until the chicken is almost done and add lime juice- a touch more salt/pepper if wanted. Along with this I fixed refried Beans. In a skilled with a touch of oil I cooked a diced onion and 3 cloves of grated garlic- when that was almost done I added a can of fat free, low sodium refried beans and flated them down. Add a half a can of Water and stir. Once mixed well, sprinke with low fat cheese. This recipe serves 4 people and is sooooo good. I just eat the faijta mixed on top of my beans and don't eat a shell- to cut the carbs. If you try this let me know if you like.

I use to hate refried beans to, but then a friend fixed them this way and I learn to like them. They aren't as "glopie" fixed this way. Great flavor and the texture is much better than at most resturants. I never order them any where I will only eat my own and my friends.

Many times it would take me a day, two, three to feel the effects of a fill. Early on it would take a week.

WOWZER!!! You have done absolutely fabulous!!!

Do you still have your gallbladder? I ask because my BFF had the same issue- post bypass- during her 1st preg. They kept saying it was just the baby pushing on things. When her daughter was born by c-section they both stayed in the hopsital 4 days, then went home. The pain was worse- they said it was due to the surgery. The next day she had to be rushed to the ER and had emergency gallbladder removal- a stone had blocked off the bile duct.

You will get use to it. I think I gurgle less now than I did right after. Some days water makes me feel like I will guggle, if I hake a big sip. I find as long as I am take small bites and small sips I do not guggle.

Can you hear your band? My band I think is bipolar. One day he yells at me, the next quite as a mouse, then the next firm but forgiving. Ok- what does this mean. One day I get stuck no matter how well I chew, the next day I can eat anything I want with no issue whatsoever, then the next after two meatball George's stop, now that is enough. What is up with that, why can't he be consistant??? For many of you, as it is for me over eating was the biggest cause of my weight- rather than just what I ate. I mean I love veggies, but even to much of a good thing can be bad. My portions is what I must watch and control. I know everyone says because you can eat more doesn't mean you should- this is exactly right, but when it taste so heavenly you want just one more bite. Some day George D. Band allows one more bite, some days he slaps me up side the head and says nope, I am going to make you pay for that. Then on occassion is clamly say, slow it down girlfriend it's time to stop. I enjoy the calm days, we get along really well those days. For instance today- breakfast: Light & Fit Greek Yogurt 2X protien with two tablespoons of granola on top- snack 5 snowpeas with ranch dip (greek yogurt dip)- lunch 2 meat balls a little larger than a quarter. Each meal George said stop and I did. Days like today, he makes it easy, but there are others where I wonder what sector of hell he came from. At 13 months out I have only lost 60 lbs . There are so many out there doing so much better than me, and I lament. I have 45 lbs more I want to lose. I know, I eat what I want, I don't feel I sacrifice, should I sacrifice. What more do I need to do? Gotta do something?

Yesterday, I started to really think about what I can do. This brings many thoughts to mind- the things I can do now since losing 60 lbs, the things I want to do, the things I should do, ect. Pre-surgery I was lucky, my health was pretty good, but I was terrified of it starting to fail. My knees had just started to ache when I walked alot- they would pop and creek. I knew they were telling me I was to large. I would cut grass and go inside and sometimes passout- litterally- do to over excertion. Did that twice. Yeterday afternoon it was 92 degrees at my house with 98% humidity and guess what- I pushed mowed my lawn with NO ill effects. It took me 45 mins to cut the entire yard. Then I did some clipping in my flower garden and watered my pepper plants. Then I finally went into the house- and I felt good. I went stratight and got in the shower since I was dirty, wet and smelly. I got out of the shower, got a glass of water, sat down a few min and then back up to cook dinner. I couldn't have do that 60 lbs ago. I now walk and sometime jog without pain. I can ride a bike for a mile or more without stopping. I will be the first to tell you I hate "exercise". I put it in "" because I don't like just walking, or just getting on the elliptical or just lifting weights. I like to do something with a purpose that has a end point, like what I did yesterday. I love working in my yard, in the garden with my mom, playing with my neice, walking to go somewhere, even house work. So I know that since I don't like exercise, it is very important that I move! So even though I have a office job I have tried to set things up where I must move. My bookshelf is across the room with my reference lit, my file cabnet is across the room. I have to stand up and step to my printer. Instead of taking the short cut to the potty I take the long way around. I stand up when on the phone. Movement is movement and it burn energy which burns calories. Over the last 6 months my weight loss has slowed, but not stopped. On average it seems I lose around a pound to 2 pounds a month. While this isn't what I would love to lose, it is a loss. It is steady and comfortable. I don't feel like I am giving up anything. I feel like the life style I am living is one I can maintain forever. I make better choices, I do follow a give and take rule, I move more. So while I complain and fuss, fume and whine about having not lost as much as others; I am proud to say in 1 year and 1 month I have not gained, my weight has been on a decline. So I think little by little, inch by inch one day I will reach my goal. I may not get there as fast as I had hoped or dreamed, but I will make it. I can do this, one step at a time.

The one thing I can say that is different about my food thinking is- I am a great deal more concious of what I eat and drink. Before I take something in, I often times will ask is it worth the calorie cost. The answer on many things is NOPE. This morning I was craving an Iced Mocha Latte from McDonalds- well the calorie cost isn't that high for the one I order (around 250), but to me it still was not worth it. There was a day a day when if it tasted good I ate it, heck sometimes if it didn't taste good I'd eat it anyway. How sad is that? Now if I eat one bite and it's not appealing I am done- why waste the calories on something that isn't good. I would eat at meals like I'd never eat again, with the thought that the next meal I'd take it easy on- did I- no. Sometimes even now I find those old thoughts creaping up in my brain and I have to shake it off. Now I am in a quest to find food that taste amazing and cost less in the calorie department. This isn't always easy to do. Last night I fixed homemade Chicken Alfredo with brocollini. For the pasta- spagetti squah, which is amazing, if you like paste I challenge you to try this- it is so easy to cook in the microwave. I made my own alfredo sauce that had no butter and was made with 2% milk rather than heavy cream. The chicken was boneless skinless chicken breast cut into bite size peices. Tossed a little brocolini florets in for color and add texture. It was awesome- so didn't feel like I was giving up anything. Just savored each bite. I believe that if we were as concious with our calorie cost as we are with money cost there would be a lot less fat folk- I know I would be. So I try each day to look at my calorie count that way- is it worth the cost or not. Is it worth that extra pound I will see on the scale. You know what, there are times when it is worth it- but most of the time it isn't. If we live in this mind set it makes letting go of those calorie bombs not so difficult. For me sometimes, it makes thing taste less awesome, if I know it is loaded. So, a challenge to us all- equate calories to dollars- is a milkshake worth $1000- NOPE

Dry rice swells, cooked rice doesn't. On occassion I have trouble with rice, but at other times it's fine. Pasta if cooked aldente I have no problem with. In many meals I will replace pasta with spagetti squash- in anything that uses noodle paste. If is very good and easy to cook in the microwave.

Like the others said it litterally washes it down. Pushing it down faster with drinking prevents the stomach for sensing and telling the brain- I am satisfied- ok to stop now. So, it's like your brain has no idea you comsumed that.

Saturday I went to my sweet little 3 year old neices b-day party. George D. Band allowed me to eat a hamburger, which was very yummy. That night on the way home (1.5 hr drive) I called to see what the hub wanted to do for dinner, since I was getting home late, I wasn't in the mood for cooking. He said come home get me and we will go out. He wanted to go to our place, On the Border, a mexi resturant that we went on our first date at. We both love mexi/southwest food, so it was always a fav. I hadn't been there but once since surgery, so wasn't really sure what to think. We order southwest tacos. While it comes with the sides of refried beans and mexi rice, I didn't eat those- no room. I ate two of the three tacos they brought and didn't want anything else. The hubs ate my remaining taco. By the time I got to the car my tummy was screaming. It wasn't a pain of being stuck- it was a presure pain. I've never had that pain since being banded. It felt like my tummy was blowed up like a balloon. I got home, went potty, no relief. I laid and belly ached for a while, it took about an hour for the pressure/pain to subside. I have no idea what caused that- but it was no fun. I worry that the pain/pressure whatever it was could have caused a problem with my band. Since Saturday night I have had no problems. Typically morning tightness, the remainder of the day normal yesterday. I seem to have slight indigestion this morning, not sure what that is from. My breakfast was greek yogurt with a sprinkle of granola. On the weight side of things- I contiue to weigh in daily- my weight each day bounces between 187.5 and 189.5 in the morning. I so wish it would drop lower, but I know stress effects weight and I have had my fair share of that of late. Thankfully, my hubs told me this weekend that I he thinks I look awesome and he is very happy with it that I feel great to him. He said he doesn't want an anerexic chick, in his words I still have a little chusion for the pushin- LOL. I am titering between a size 12 and 14 size pant and large shirts. Some large shirts are to big depending on cut. Some pants that were a little snug a month ago are loose now, so I must be firming in places, even though the weight isn't moving. Just praying today that George D Band is happy and healthy.