mczoo33

I cried today.
 
To be honest, I'm still kinda shocked about the above statement. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the last decade. I've personally never thought tears fixed anything and am a 'going in guns blazing' instead of 'delicate weeping beauty' sort of lady. Steel southern magnolia, anyone?
 
So there I was, looking forward to my day off and realized that something had happened that hasn't in a number of years. Ever since I gained that last big amount of weight I developed pcos and my period stopped. I never told anyone, but I felt so cut off from my sexuality and from being a woman when that happened. I also worried that maybe my uterus was broken and I would never be able to have kids. I think I submerged those feelings of inadequacy/guilt/anger/despair so deeply that it wasn't until I dropped 65 pounds and get my period back that they just overtook me. It definitely rocked my world and I can't believe how happy I am with bloating, back pains, and food cravings again. *shakes head*
 
It's been several weeks since I've updated and I apologize, yet again. So much is going on and life is good, if confusing. My weight loss has been slow and steady and I'm 14.4 pounds away from Onderland. I sometimes get caught up in the mental belief that I am still 280 and then I realize that I can mostly shop in the regular clothes section now. My grandparents saw me for the first time in 3 months (since surgery) and my grandpa got all chocked up and teary eyed. They've been so worried about me. People keep telling me how pretty I am and I hope that I can soon start to believe them without doing the automatic 'big girl humor' to laugh off something that I don't believe. It's nice to not feel like people are looking at me and judging me all the time. I actually flirted with a guy the other day and didn't feel like said guy was only being polite back. I don't feel as invisible anymore and it's taking time to get used to that.
 
Another thing that has surprised me is the change in my personality. I've always been somewhat hyper and 'artistic' (read: eccentric) and people have said that while I am still funny that I've calmed down a lot. I think I subconsciously felt like I had to be overly amusing to overcome my weight. As if I somehow had to justify my existence in a group of prettier/skinnier people. Which is a load of crap, but apparently my subconscious is an idiot.
 
So many changes and every day I thank god that I did this surgery. I sometimes feel whistful about what my life would have been like if I had been skinny from the beginning, but you can't change the past. You can't change the hand that life has dealt you....although you can definitely throw in a couple of cards and pull new from the deck! Life changes so quickly, and I must say that I will deeply enjoy what is to come as I continue to lose more weight and find out who I really am.
 
Well, I'll enjoy everything except the hair loss. I've resigned myself to shedding more than Chewbacca the Wookie, but damn, it sucks. If anybody is looking for an amazing hair gel that helps give curl, definition, and body to whatever hair you have left look up Herbal Essences Curl Control Gel. It's new and worth every single penny!

Hello fellow bloggers
 
This is probably just a little bit of vanity so please excuse me. It's just that I have finsihed sending off all of my paperwork now for my operation and I am feeling great. I should know if my ERSB has been approved by next week (should be fine) and once that is through, it is clear sailing to my date with Mr Sharpie. Well I still have to go through the pre-op diet of course but to be honest, there is a part of me that is looking forward to it...it means that it's the "end of the world as we know it"...lol. In the best possible way.
 
I am so lucky that several of my friends and work colleagues have had this surgery and they have been so incredibly supportive, telling me of their experience which has really reduced some of my anxiety. For anyone dipping their toes into this pool (gastric sleeve) I highly recommend asking even what you think is the dumbest question of someone who has had the op, preferably close to where you will be having it. In hearing the stories of others there is a vast difference between how things are done depending on which country (or even which state) you live in. But for me, having someone to ask really functional questions of has reduced my anxiety significantly. I am sure as the date draws nearer that my neuroses will rear their ugly little heads again but for now, I am just excited.
 
I hope that this feeling lasts for the next month! I am hopeful though and not stupid - it's unlikely but I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can!!

Today marks my 6 month anniversary.. I am 11 lbs from goal, but not trying to lose anymore weight. I officially posted my before, during and after pics in the success section of VST if you are interested in looking at them.. but i will post 2 pics here.. my before and after. I again would like to say thank you to everyon that followed my blog and my journey.. I hope I was able to inspire some of you and be a helping hand to anyone that needed it... And i appreicate all of your support. so without further ado....
 
me at my heaviest..
me yesterday 06-11-12

These are my last couple of days being pre-op.



I am having a hateful day.



Maybe the jitters are finally catching up with me. Maybe I am just hungry.



I made sure I did everything I could to make sure this day came as soon as possible,



and now that it is just around the corner I am having a hard time articulating my feelings.



So, even though this is my first blog and I should be attempting to make a good impression, I think I am going to just dump it all here.



I am afraid that I failed my liquid diet.



I am big enough of a person (pun not intended) to own up to the fact that I have made a couple mistakes there.



Mostly in the first week and I have held strong



I am afraid that after my surgery relationships will be weakened.



My boyfriend of four years has wanted me to lose weight essentially the whole time.



I am worried that all our little problems will be amplified.



I am afraid, although I hate to admit it, of what people will think.



Of what all the people I haven't told will think.



Of what the people I have told are thinking.



Easy way out. Weak will. No self control.



All bad attributes to a 22 year old.



I am afraid that after surgery my confidence wont come



That I will always feel like the fat girl.



That I will always brush off compliments that are given to me.



That I will always be uncomfortable around new people.



That I will always be instantly put in the friend zone.


 

I think its just a bad, hungry day.