Justine13

Well - this is my first posting and first blog so here goes!
 
I feel lately I have had a lot of firsts....first major surgery, first time putting myself first, first time owning my health, etc
 
I have to say that it definitely is hard to choose yourself first. Anyone with children, a spouse, family, etc knows what I mean. You feel as if you are cheating them out of being there. It has taken me many years to come to understand that what I thought as putting them first was actually an excuse for me to continue to be unhealthy. How was I putting them first if I wasn't taking the best care of myself? This is a VERY hard lesson to learn. As I look around at my family members and family history of chronic weight related issues I put my foot down. There was a voice deep down saying "me, me...did you forget that I am here?" This time I chose to listen.
 
I have not always been overweight...alright "morbidly obese". This is something that has been rolling along pretty much for the past 15 years. You know the story....get married (get comfortable), have children (more comfortable with a few pounds) and before you know it you are a shell of the person you once were. Years go by and you lose a little and gain more and back and forth. Many of us have the same story. My weight loss surgery journey originally began two and a half years ago, Dec 2009 with a seminar for the lap band. I went and listened and then said I will give it another try of doing it myself and bailed on following through. Two years later I found myself at the seminar again with a firm grip on my nerves and actually listened with more conviction about choosing me first.
 
After going through the 3 months of NUT, psych appointment, surgeon visits and pre-op testing...I took a leap of faith with myself and God .
I had clear liquids 24 hrs before surgery and was officially sleeved on 7/17 at 10am.
 
I am currently 10 days post-op and completely intrenched in the full liquid diet. What can you say about liquids? Not a whole lot . Anyway, I am just passing time until Tues when I get to start the greatly anticipated puree stage. Never thought I would be so excited about eating food the consistency of baby food. But here I am and readily counting the hours.
 
This past 2 weeks has given me time to do a lot of thinking!! Sometimes I wonder if the liquid stage is just as much for learning to listen to your body and conquering some of your food obsession as it is about letting your body heal.
 
I have found that everyday that voice is getting a little stronger and I can't wait to begin to have NSVs and see the weight come off. I will take each day of passing time to consider the gift I have been given of my life, living longer, spending more time with family and friends. I am 38 years old and have a lifetime ahead of me and plan to make it the best I can!!

Tuesday 07-24-2012 6:41 pm
 
So although I've been a member of VST for a couple of weeks maybe and really, started my journey to WLS on March 4, I am first finding myself type something out to be able to reflect back at all of what I've been through.
 
My first thought is- for pete sake- I'm a licensed psychotherapist who has encouraged LOTS of people to journal and where the heck have I been? Lazy. Story of my life
 
My second thought is that I must first comment on my experience on this forum and the VST peeps I've been getting to know through their own journeys. I cannot tell you how inspired I am by so many others who have either gone through similar walks of life or who are going through it. I don't feel alone anymore which is so relieving in and of itself. In this career, I hear many reasons why we choose the profession we are in. For me, it really was nothing about my personal life as it was my true desire to know the brain and study human behavior. So, because of this, I feel my family and friends have highly underestimated my strength at times. Sometimes, even we need a little extra support. I'm probably the biggest person who will dispute this so to put so much emphasis on what others this of me isn't fair really. But it's easier.
 
So, again, I have no major underlying issues. Sure, we all have our "stuff" but I can tell you that I have been through therapy many times with my marriage and honestly, have benefited greatly. I check in with close friends and colleagues as I believe that's just part of my life now- I need to do that...for me.
 
Back to how I got here. Well, I'm not exactly sure HOW I got this so out of control. I do know that I have always struggled with weight but I really have carried it well in my life. I have watched friends and family go through surgeries for weight loss and always believed I ddin't need to do that. Then one day I was dx with autoimmune disorder which really- the only symptom that I have is extreme fatigue and with that comes lack of ambition to do anything. The process of finding the right doctor was exhausting but after years of battling this, I did. But he wanted me to go on a medication that could cause blindness AND he wasn't guarenteeing that this would help fatigue as this is difficult to control. (Have you heard of Plaquinil? I know some have as I have read other's posts about it). Well.....I decided not to do it. So the next year I spent extremely tired; no.... exhausted. Heck, if I didn't know better, I probably would have dx me with depression BUT I WASN"T DEPRESSED. I gained probably another 30 pounds (that was my last straw- I could have cared less that I didn't clean my house like I wanted to or do more things...it was the weight)....So my husband convinced me to try the med. "Just try it". Wouldn't you know it- it was a matter of 2 weeks and I had some of that energy back. I was on it for about a year and I did lose about 15 of those pounds. Then I gradually took myself off. Dr. asked to decrease so I just kept forgetting and then before you know it, I'm off. Then I'm gaining weight again. One would think an educated person such as myself would put 2 and 2 together. Common sense isn't necessarily a subject in college or grad school I didn't want to go back on the med. My doc had told me that exericse was really good too. Yeah, I hate exercising and try convincing someone who has absolutely nothing to give.....to give. It wasn't easy.
 
THEN it happend. I got a new job and found out insurance did not exclude WLS. I cannot tell you how elated I was. I had my appointments all lined up as soon as insurance kicked in. All they require is a 6 month professional weight loss program documented. R U KIDDING ME? I've been through EVERYTHING at LEAST 1,0000000000 times. But nothing recording for 6 months consecutively. So here I go. But who cares right? My benefits at my new job don't kick in until I'm there six months anyway so no worries.
 
Well, I've hit the six month mark at work. My last NUT appt (actually with the PA) is August 13. I told her I have a date in my head of Sept 10. She was excited and told me that they will have everything ready that day so all they have to do is print out her note and send it on. Insurance has 14 buisness days to respond. That quite possibly will be the longest wait of my life. We will see (because these days are long as well). I can tell you I've gained weight at every single appt with the NUT. I'm trying things they say and I KNOW I will follow through after. Remember my energy level is nothing. I didn't have them document the autoimmune stuff (although they do know) as I don't believe it's life threatening- I went to have my fatigue treated and it was totally up to me and nothing more. My feeling is that I want to see how weight loss effects my health rather than relying on meds so I'm dealing.
 
I was worried about the weight gain but the PA tells me not to be concnerned. I'm going to go with that because if I don't....I'll drive myself crazy......
 
So the countdown begins....to my new life....on this new journey...
 
I know life will change for me drastically. I'm ready....for whatever that means. And I will journal through it---- because I know that it's helpful and I also know- I have a great support system with VST PEEPS.
 
Thank you for listening.....
 
Justine........

Hi everyone! I am 2nd day post-op. Yeah, I have been sleeved! Yesterday and the first half of today were extremely rough. But things have started to even out this afternoon and am finally getting a little bit of clear liquid down. I hope to get to go home tomorrow but they haven't had me up walking yet so may be another day or so. I am very thankful to have this opportunity to change my life and become the mother I want to be and that my children deserve. I love reading about everyones journeys so keep the info and advice coming.