Livinglifeout

Today I got a glimpse of you,yes you,the one I thought I left behind! You just never know when to stop do you?Once you start,you dont seem to have an end.And its carbs that brings you out,isnt it?You can deny it as much as you like,but I saw you!
 
Rusks,good old South African rusks,with nuts and seeds.And before I knew I was earing like I didnt even ever had surgery.Now I see how one can gain back all your weight.You just eat something every 20 minutes.A woman on a nother board posted recently that over the weekend she had eaten almost 100 pieces of chocolate,really truely that many!Rollo and such.I thought she was very melodramatic but not anymore!
 
I had about 4 slices of wurzel bread.(german bread that is a little thicker than a baguette) A large cup of butternut soup.Beef jerky,3 rusks and some chicken. (this is all the food for the day)Its the bread that I should not eat and the worm in my head that started after the first carbs that bugs me.
 
I will not keep doing this to myself.I feel horribly fat just because I ate like a fatty.
 
Back to my proteins.Thank goodness for chicken,meat and fish!

I miss the 115lbs I've lost since April. Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not crazy. I just being honest....well, kind of honest.
 
For the record, I don't REALLY miss the weight. I just miss the extra padding and HEAT that it gave me. You see, I have always been what I considered "warm blooded". Apparently that isn't the case. Apparently, extra fat keeps you extra warm. This is not a good thing in those 100 degree, 90% humidity days but, during the winter months it really makes a difference. For the record, I have never been a fan of the cold. I grew up in a resort area and my idea of a perfect day is getting to the beach by 9am and not leaving until 5pm. I love the warmth of the sun on my skin and the sound of the waves hitting the shore line. I even love the fall. Warm days, crisp nights are wonderful. But, this cold, snowy weather.....it's just not for me.
 
 
In the past month, I have learned the art the layering clothes. To be honest, I am still having problems with this one. Not because I don't get the idea behind it, but because I have never liked having to "bulk" up more than I had too. I have also learned that my heater refuses to put out any heat despite the temperature I put it on. This can cause a girl to go insane when she's layered up and under two blankets while begging the cat (trust me, I wish it was a dog), to jump up on my lap just for the extra warmth while I drink ANOTHER cup of hot tea. As I sit here typing this, I have a heating pad on me, a cup of tea, and three layers up top, two layers on the bottom AND an blanket!!!
 
I have checked my vitamins. I have tried eating more. I have tried eating less. I have used heating pads. I have begged my husband to curl up next to me in bed just to use him for his body heat. I have done almost everything I can except turn the heater up AGAIN. I refuse. There are people who can handle the temperature being much lower than what mine is set at and they are much smaller. Therefore, I know it's possible to not be this cold all the time...or at least that is what I have been told. I am holding on to the belief that the rumors are true and one day I'll be warm when it's cold outside. One DAY!!!! Oh what a day that will be.
 
So, here's my question....as always, I have one.....AM I THE ONLY ONE? How are you all handling the changes in you bodies ability to regulate it's own heat?

I had the best time at the Christmas party that I have had in over 25 years! I was so nervous about going, and was worried that I wouldn't look good enough, or that no one could tell I lost 75 pounds! It was just in my own head, because I got so MANY compliments about my weight loss, and my new outfit that I couldn't keep tract! LOL Some people even told me several times during the evening just how great I looked, and how they know that I worked so hard to get to where I am now! Guess what fellow sleever's? All those people even knew I was sleeved, because I have been talking about it on my Facebook page! Not a one said that I took the "easy way" out either! I felt like a princess last night, and got allot of my self confidence back that I haven't had in YEARS! I had taken my new digital camera, and took many pictures at the party, and they even asked to use my camera to take a group photo of all the employee's at the party! Normally I would have just sat at our table and just wished it would get over, so we could leave! Not last night, my hubby and I were some of the last ones to leave, and I walked around with him, and mingled! My hubby and I even danced a slow dance to the song "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton! It was so romantic! I'm only 6 weeks out Tuesday, but it has already made such a difference in my life! I can't wait until I reach my goal, then I'll feel even better about myself, and be even thinner! The only thing I could eat at the dinner was some chicken, and drink water, but I didn't even care! No one said anything to me about it, and I was full and satisfied. I didn't feel deprived, or sorry for myself because I couldn't eat what everyone else ate and drank. Especially after all those nice comments I got all night! Then to top it all off, I weighted this morning and I was down another POUND to make it 76 pounds! 48 of those are before surgery, but the other 28 are after sleeve! I just had to share with all of you. I'm so excited right now.

July 30th....the day of my new me......
 
Well allow me to share a little insight.....
 
 
Well I'v done it....I have walk the desert (as my mason friends would say)....Let me tell you it was a journey that no matter how I prepared...I was not prepared for. I stayed away from the boards purposely, because I did not want to frighten or speak negatively on the surgery. It was very difficult initially because of the medical problems I had to endure (one of which, is being unable to take pain medication). Had I gotten online initially I would have screamed the horrors of this God Forsaken surgery and who....with any intelligence at all would succumb to this beast called the SLEEVE!!!!
 
But now 45 days away from the faithful day called "surgery" I am happy, I am smiling, I am learning, and creating new ways for myself....I have not been so happy....yes I have stalled, and yes I have slimed, yes I have had the lump in my chest that seems to want to explode...I have passed the rabbit pellets, and I have had many a day of laugher on how my body has responded to what is happening to it.....BUT...
 
I am so glad to have made this decision. Each day is a step into sunshine, sometimes with a few clouds....but even those clouds are beautiful now...and I will peer into them and make shapes out of those puffy marshmellows, instead of endulging in the doldrumsss......The feeling of achieving a goal and starting a new one is so amazing to me at this age....(okay not that I'm old) but sometimes we forget that the new wonders surrounding us on a daily basis. I have slipped into some old jeans (yep some sergio's that is no longer any where near style but)....WHAT A THRILL....
 
Who would have thought....the diva in me would escape again.....im loving it ...my children are loving it ....and my love is totally estactic....I have always smiled brightly ...but right now my smile can equate to a solar flare....just 45 pounds....what the hell is gonna happen when I hit 60, never mind whats gonna happen when i finally slip under 200.....watch out now......world get ready.....Im here to take over....
 
My growth has been in the worst times....when those scars would not heal....when the thought of one more bite of mash potatoes or apple sauce would turn me into a ingnorant maniac....but all of the sudden I remember the feeling of going through the hell called basic training....or the hell called breast cancer .....shoot even the hell of raising two teenagers who knew everything in the world and thought I belonged in a (well never mind I divest)...Each and everyone of those journeys has brought more pride and and feeling of empowerment to my journey.....well guess what ....I'M BACKCKKK....and this new road or shall I say adventure... will will bring me out of it like a shine piece of steel put through the fire and well tested....I say...bring life on...I am so readyyyyyy!!!!

I had a moment this morning where I both laughed and cried over probably THE craziest thing. As I walk to my bathroom from the living room, I can see myself in the bathroom mirror. I caught a glimpse in the mirror and stopped for a second, looking back at the reflection. For the first time in my 25 years of life, I said to myself "Damn, I'm looking good." Then followed a happy smile with some tears of joy.
 
I know I have a LONGGGGG way to go but am happy with the progress thus far. This Thursday marks my one month anniversary and I would love to hit a goal of 50 pounds lost. The weight loss includes what I lost on my own prior to the pre-op diet, the pre-op diet and post-op diet.
 
Thanks, Mr. Sleevie

Last month, I went to a professional conference in Dallas and met a lot of the same colleagues I meet every year. Many of them could not believe my dramatic weight loss. People kept telling me how good I looked. In fact, they were overflowing with comments over how good I looked. Over the last two weeks, I went out to lunch with two different friends of mine; people who I’ve known through work that have not seen me in a while. They were also gushing over how good I looked and how much weight I had lost. The bottom line that I took away from all of these comments was that I’ve lost a lot of weight.
 
The reaction of all of these people scares me. The thing that it leaves me wondering is, “My God, how fat must I have been for these people to have such a reaction to my weight loss?” I never really thought that I was that fat. In fact, I know the numbers say differently, but I feel about as fat as I did when I had an extra eighty pounds on me. In fact, I even feel like I look as if I have another eighty pounds on me. So really, how fat was I?
 
This is partly a very embarrassing question because I really must have let myself go. All of these comments from other people make me quite nervous. While I appreciate it, they feed into my insecurities. On some level, my weight loss is a private matter, and I would like to keep it as such. However, that’s not possible when everybody around you can physically see the changes in your body. People are bound to comment.
 
I asked one friend with whom I can speak frankly with, “Everybody has told me how wonderful I look and how much weight I’ve lost. Everyone has been gushing over me, which leads me to wonder exactly how fat I was.”
 
He just looked at me and said, “Jack, you were really fat. You were so fat that I was really worried about you. When I stood next to you, I could hear you having trouble breathing and I was scared for you. You’ve had trouble walking and getting around. You look a lot better and a lot healthier now.”
 
I was partly in shock. I did not realize that was the image I had been portraying for so long. Now, I am just embarrassed about my weight. I’m embarrassed that I let myself go to such a level. I’m embarrassed to even discuss it. It’s almost as if I feel like I owe the world an apology for being so fat. I feel like saying to everyone, I’m sorry that I let myself go and became as fat as I did. Please forgive me. Please, for God’s sakes, love me now for the new me.
 
Did I feel loved when I weighed 325 pounds? I knew that there were people out there who loved me, but no, I didn’t feel loved. Do I feel loved now? No, I don’t, but I do feel that I am capable of being loved, whereas I didn’t before. I think partly it was because I didn’t love myself, and now, very slowly, I am learning to love myself.