Birdy18

I'm 28, live in Chicago, love to travel, discover new restaurants, all things girly or glamorous, and big cities. For the most part, I've lived a happy, healthy life despite being overweight for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was always chubby... soon that turned into overweight. Despite having an outgoing personality and great friends, I still remember every mean comment hurled at me from grade school, middle school and high school.

As a young child, I remember one of my aunts would pull me aside and have me do arm circles. I remember hearing family members and family friends ask my parents how I would find anybody to love being as big as I was. I come from a family who loves food, who's full of great cooks, and is centered around grand meals. I myself, love to cook. I'm what I say an equal opportunity food lover - I love all kinds of food, ethnic, hole in the walls, five-star gourmet, you name it. My father used to reward me with bad foods - whether it was because I earned it, he wanted it, or to cheer me up.

As a senior in high school, I began what would be ten years of up's and down's on Weight Watchers - losing about the same 40 lbs over and over again only to restart a bit higher every time. Ten years later, I'm at my highest weight at 249 when I decided on WLS.

After discussing it with my family, surgeon, primary care physician (whom I love and adore), I went from thinking about the band to firmly on the sleeve. I have 100 lbs to lose. I don't think I've ever said that before or put that thought out there in the world. One hundred lbs. That is a terrifying, daunting thought. But I know I can do it. I know that everything from here on out will be challenging.

I'm full of terrifying fears. The same thoughts run through my head as I wait for insurance approval and the date of my surgery: August 20, 2012. What if I can't do this? What if I fail? How will I mourn my relationship and comfort with food and get past the mental hunger? I'm so terrified I'll go through a permanent, life altering surgery and not have the will power or strength to succeed.

... And yet, I know I will. I will because I have to. Because I deserve it. I don't underestimate the constant battle that I'll have missing how I am used to eat, what I do to comfort myself during sadness, stress, hell - even happiness. And that I'll have to work out a lot of those mental issues. But I've struggled with my weight for my entire life. I don't have any comorbidities now, but I know that if I stay my weight or on the track that I've been headed - that I will.

I want a chance at a healthier, happier life. Full of scale and non scale victories. To stop the torturous relationship and horrible cycle that I have with my weight and food. I want, for once in my life, to be within a healthy weight range! To not always be the fat friend or get the line, "but you have the prettiest face!" I want so much more out of life than what I've been able to do for myself so far - and I know I will find the strength in me to work, challenge, encourage and most of all, be kind to myself to do this. For me. That's my story so far, but this is only just the beginning...