TaiDyed

I have ridden the roller coaster of weight loss and gains since I was a little girl. Being adopted, I don't know if it's genetics or not. I suppose I would like to think that is the case, so I can put blame on someone other than myself. I remember my first time signing up with Weight Watchers...I was [b]ELEVEN [/b]years old.

"You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose some weight" - that sums up my life in a nutshell.

In grade school and middle school, I was chunky. And teased mercilessly. This continue through Junior High and throughout the 4 years of high school. By Freshman year, my weight continue to go up. I ranged in the 160s and was size 13. Keep in mind, this was back in the mid 80s, and size 13 teen then is WAY different than what a size 13 is today. Again, the teasing was hideous. So much so, that in my mind I could only see myself so much bigger than I really was. When I look back at photos of me at the age of 16/17, I see such a pretty girl. And a very sad girl who never realized that she wasn't really that big.

By the time I got into college, I allowed myself to gain the amount of weight to become the size I always saw myself as. I bypassed 1/416, went into 18/20, 22/24 and probably got as large as a 26/28. Mind you, I am only 5'3" (5'4" on a good day). I did Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, etc over my young adult years. I lost some. I gained it back and more. After graduating from college, I packed up and moved to southern CA ready to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was very reclusive and gained weight. The server at the KFC across from where I lived knew my order when I walked in the door.

During my mid to late 20s and early 30s, I rode the roller coaster over and over. Up in weight. Down in weight. By the time I met the man I was going to marry in 1999, I was at the heaviest I'd ever been at 289 pounds and was wearing a 26/28. We married in October 2000 and he loved me regardless of my size. Maybe that was all I needed.

January 2000, I walked into Weight Watchers AGAIN. A year and a half later, I lost 120 lbs. I was [b]ELEVEN [/b]pounds away from my goal weight!! And what was amazing is that it was relatively easy. I did all the things they told me to do. I journaled EVERY bite of food. I drank a gazillion ounces of water every day. I exercised (which strangely enough was never an issue over the years, despite my size). It was as if a light switch was turned on and everything was so clear. Until one day the switch turned off. I woke up one morning and decided I was tired of journaling and from there, the number on the scale went up.

The upside is that I never gained back all my weight. But I put on nearly half, if not more. In spring 2008, I made the decision to get the gastric lap band. A few months later I went back to graduate school (and also turned 40). It was during that time that I chose to back off on having any restriction with the band while I was in school. It was too much to contend with. By the time I graduated in May 2010, we went to Mexico for a week so I could decompress. When all was said and done, my weight was up to 243. I was too embarrassed to go back to my WLS doctor. I took the initiative and joined a 12 week weight loss challenge in my area and started meeting with a life coach. In those 12 weeks, I lost 40 lbs and felt like I was back in control.

Since 2010, I have fluctuated between 185-195 and a size 14/16. I was okay with that for the most part, but the aches and pains in my knees and back screamed that it wasn't enough. And then the acid reflux started. Turns out that my band had slipped. To be honest, I'm not even sure how much time has passed since I went in because of that. And here it is August 2012...and in less than 2 days, I will be going in to have band to sleeve revision surgery. Why? Because I need help. I know all to well how to lose weight. But for the life of me, I am not able to keep it off long term.

August 6th is my surgery date. [b]ELEVEN [/b]days later, I will turn 44.

Wow...I went back and noted the number ELEVEN... Eleven years old when I first started addressing the need to lose weight. Eleven pounds away from reaching my goal weight after a successful run with WW. And Eleven days after my final reach for help with losing weight, I will celebrate another birthday. Maybe I should run to Vegas and put some money on the roulette table??!! :P