CdnExpat

On Friday, November 15th, I competed in my first ever race. I ran the 5K relay of The Flying Start Sprint Triathlon. My finish time was 28:04. This compared to when I ran 5K for the first time in the Maldives, completing the Couch-to-5K training plan (app available through Apple & Android). Then, I rejoiced in a finishing time of 38:00. When I started this journey to optimum health, my commitment was to exercise three times per week, get my weight into a healthy range, and find a way to change my thinking and lifetime habits so that I stayed healthy. In the end, that plan included the gastric sleeve, taking up running, and ultimately, learning to be militant and unapologetic for putting my health and self care before anyone else's needs. Something I've never been very good at doing. This time, with my 50th birthday looming, when people asked for some of my time, I checked my workout schedule. When people wanted to meet me for business, I suggested non-food venues. If I got too busy for self care every week, I ruthlessly cut out work stuff until I did have time for myself. I've read over 100 books, been to the spa nearly every week, and managed to get my hair cut every four weeks - for the first time in my adult life. All of which is good. But let me tell you - it was MUCH easier to change my physical habits than my mental habits. I have spent the last 18 months fighting a mental battle that at times left me feeling weak and sick. The relentless, repetitive litany of random crap in my head, all of it negative, all of it self-critical, and all of it FALSE, made me tired. There were times that I just wanted to lie down and cover my head with a pillow. I'd wake up in the morning thinking about a scheduled run, and immediately the crap would start. An endless, inescapable demand to justify myself and really, my existence. At least it felt like it. The old caustic, hurtful tapes played over and over and over and I experienced how difficult it is to switch it off. I felt more exhausted from the mental chaos than I did from the workouts. But I learned a few things along the way, and having just completed what feels like an incredible milestone to me, I reflected on that learning. No matter what confused, chaotic, caustic, or nasty things were happening in my head, compelling myself to physical action always made it better, and sometimes, quieted my mind completely. It is always possible to take action even when the noise in my head is deafening. It is not my brain that I need to run, it's my legs, my arms, my breath. My head just happens to come along for the ride. In other words, giving in to the head noise as if it controls my physical existence is a huge tactical error in the war with negativity. NOT going and doing the workout or self care or planned activity made the mental chaos that much louder the next time, plus the added emotional factors of disappointment and guilt. The more attention I paid to 'fighting' the thoughts, the more fighting I had to do. I gradually learned that the less importance I placed on the thoughts I didn't want, the less they bothered me. After awhile, they weren't loud enough to interrupt my thinking, and now, sometimes, they're completely absent. It gets better. The more consistent I was in following my plan of action combined with ignoring the noise in my head, the easier it got. There's no substitute for the incredible sense of satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something difficult. When I look back at the past almost 18 years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, it's been a journey I couldn't have planned with a road map and detailed instructions. And what a trip it's been. From being fit to the uncertainty of ill health, to a wheel chair, to 'starting over,' to the Middle East, through obesity and back, to a triathlon. Wow and wow. I have a huge sense of thankfulness for the things this journey has already taught me, and I anticipate there is more to learn. Bring it on.

When I started this journey, my ultimate goal was to be in the best shape I could be by the time I turned 50. Today is that day. :wub: Tangibly, I hardly resemble the person who started this journey. People who have not seen me in awhile regularly walk right past, not recognising me. This has on occasions been very funny, and on others, not so nice as people have reacted in ways that are surprisingly negative. One thing that has come up more than once is the immediate assumption that I've been very ill, or worse, that I've got something terminal. I've chosen not to talk about having surgery for a variety of reasons, and my stock answer to "What have you done?!" has become, "I eat a lot less and exercise a lot more." Intangibly, I know myself to be in a very different space internally than I was a year ago. Having the surgery did not change some of the serious issues that come with having gained so much weight and those don't go away with the weight. I've had to work hard to reprogram the default software. Old habits die very hard, and when mindlessness returns as a result of stress, or life events, the response is destructive. I've been five weeks at the same weight, but a week of no exercise and mindless grazing caused a small weight gain... panic!! It was a short, sharp, and needful lesson on the need for me to continue to care for ME. No matter how stressful work gets, or what life events happen, if I don't choose to take care of myself no matter what, all this work will be for nothing. Not gonna let that happen. Did some serious self care, bought a treadmill so I could run again (it's too hot outside) and went through my journal of the past year, reminding myself of the affirmations I'd found helpful, of the progress I'd made, and of the reasons I have made this choice. So, today I celebrate 50 years... losing 86 pounds... ...regularly running 7K ...biking 20K with my husband 2 - 3 x week, and being pronounced "completely healthy" by my GP. Yay me. If you're still working at your goals, keep on. Gather up the support you need whenever you need it, and don't give up. Celebrate the little milestones (I found Bling is perfect for celebrating every 10 pounds lost ) and ruthlessly prune your closet as you shrink out of clothes. Think in possibilities and make plans for a future that is different than your present. I know I need goals, and I plan to run a 10K race with my daughter in August. But first, I'm going to go river rafting in Bosnia to mark the achievements of the past year. Hopefully, I won't drown.

I've had almost zero trouble since being sleeved, and I'm thrilled with the result. My biggest problem is that I am not supposed to drink while I'm eating. This has caused me a LOT of trouble. In the beginning, post-surgery (April 4, 2012) nearly everything was liquid anyway, so it wasn't an issue. Now, three months later, I find myself gagging and having great difficulty swallowing more than 1 or 2 bites of "real" food because I can't even take a sip of Water. This means that I'm not actually getting anywhere near the minimum number of calories the doctor says I need, but I can apparently choose to eat OR drink. I've tried all sorts of different things, but I'm currently reduced to a lot of Soup, or taking small sips of water and waiting for my stomach to settle down. I'm really afraid of stretching my stomach (part of the dire warnings I've read and the doctor's warnings) but I can't seem to manage this issue. Anyone else experience this who might have some suggestions for me? P.S. This is not new - I have been unable to eat all my life without having water to sip. CE

Agreed! In reality, there's all sorts of reasons why someone would need help with "only" 70 pounds to lose. While I can speak to my own decision to have surgery, I have no insight, and therefore no right to speak about someone else's choice. If I wish to be allowed to make independent and adult decisions for my life, crafting my own happiness, then I sure as heck better extend that same permission to others! I, for one, am very thankful that the option was available, and now, 55 pounds later, the fatigue due to my MS is way better, and I'm completely off all medications for HBP. And I'm happy. lol

My hair is brush-cut short now (friends charitably tell me I look "funky") and it's still falling out. Less noticeable now that its short, but still happening. Doctor says, "Don't worry. In 1500+ patients not one has gone bald. Just be patient and don't get stressed about it." So I've decided to quit obsessing and rock the new look.

My husband has also been incredibly supportive, and his idea about writing down all the rules I have about food and planning to break them was the best advice I got from anyone. It's been liberating to tick off the rules as I break them. CE

Unfortunately not. She and her husband now have a ranch in Northern BC bigger than most European countries. You could try http://alberta.kijiji.ca/f-meat-goats-Classifieds-W0QQKeywordZmeatQ20goats This is where my sister now gets her goat meat. CE

I had surgery on a Thursday morning, and could have gone back to work on Monday. I had planned for the whole week off, but truly didn't need it. It really depends on how you feel. If there's lots of up & down, bending and straightening, I'd take the time allotted, but spend the last few days conditioning yourself to do those activities. It's a good place to begin listening more carefully to your body.

i gave in and had my hair cut SHORT - only slightly longer than bald. I'm not sure if I like it, but I'm getting lots of attention. So far, the best response has been "funky!" I, too, would rather be skinny, so I'll just rock out the new look until my hair comes back. The hairdresser told me she thinks I've thinned out about 40% (Yikes) I regularly remind myself that it's temporary. Hopefully, that's the truth.

Goat is very good, especially if you're able to get it from the farm. Goat dairies often sell their extra billies at around six months. Goat is lean, not marbled, and easy to digest. It is not necessarily a tender meat, and is best in sausages or used in place of ground beef. We use goat meat (and have for years) instead of beef, in all recipes that call for ground beef. You have to treat it carefully though, because it doesn't have the fat. I brown it in a non-stick frypan, and use a little Water to keep it from sticking until it's brown. Then I proceeded just like I would with ground beef. My sister and her husband owned a goat dairy near Camrose, AB, and we got goat sausages every fall. In order to make them edible (no fat problem) they added 1lb of ground pork to every 9lbs ground goat. We eschewed the pork and added ground moose, elk, or buffalo. Totally YUM. CE P.S. Here in the Middle East, goat is readily available, but it's from adult animals. Gross. Gross. Gross.

This has been a crappy week. HWHN got the results back from his bloodwork, and he's waaaaaaay high risk for a "coronary incident." We really weren't expecting this news as he's not overweight, he leads a fairly healthy lifestyle, and he exercises most days. It turns out he's got a family history that adds risk factors, he spent 10 years on anti-inflammatories (apparently very bad for you) and he smoked in his 20s. His cholesterol panel is frightening. The doctor here had already given him Lipitor before he got the results, but HWHN has decided not to take it yet. He's very unhappy about the side effects. We did some research, and the Mayo Clinic has an excellent plan for reducing LDL and increasing HDL, so we're trying it. Anyway, it was a bit shocking. The Internet has been very intermittent because it's Ramadan, and so I've not been able to lurk, never mind post on my favorite forums. It feels like I've been cut off from the world. Which normally wouldn't matter, except our daughter was trying to reach us because our grandsons (5 & 3) were in a car accident with their father, who had been drinking. Argh!!!!! They are okay, but our daughter could have used some support and her father's calm and gentle wisdom before she tackled the issue with her ex-husband. I have been doing really well since the shocking revelation that I was deceiving myself so badly, but two days ago I vomited again after weeks of being okay. I guess I'm in need of a Wahmbulance. *sigh* It doesn't help that being Ramadan, there is nothing to do until after 8 pm. Well, maybe we could drive around in the 52° sunshine... which today is slightly obscured by the dust in the air thanks to the hot wind. One more indignity. My hair is seriously falling out so I took a pic of the hairstyle I wanted to the hairdresser who did a beautiful job except I didn't turn into Jamie Lee Curtis. Damn. Holy cow. I am seriously in need of a G&T. ;D

Have you considered that your body has a "happy weight" that is different than your ideal weight? In any case, Supersweetums is marvelously right. You'll get there, with or without the energy expended on the frustration. CE

"Me, first" is different than 'selfish.' Congratulations on deciding to take care of yourself, and in following through. It isn't easy to change. I struggled for a long time with a sense of failure that I couldn't "do this on my own." Eventually, having worked with eating disordered patients, I realized that I'd have to develop an anorexic thought pattern to actually lose the weight I gained after MS. No, thanks. I want healthy thinking... not to exchange one problem for another. So I did the sleeve, and now I'm working on remembering that it is not selfishness to put my needs first when it comes to health. I've changed my schedule at work, I'm doing some different things at home, and I'm maintaining an attitude of thankfulness that losing the weight has been mostly a 'painless' thing, in that I'm not constantly thinking, "I can't have that," or "I can't eat that" and feeling deprived and frustrated. In fact, it's the other way. I look at the food I'm supposed to eat for the day and think, "How will I ever finish this?!" Good for you. This is me *clapping & cheering* from the Front-Row-Fans section. CE