mokee

I swear that I see my toilet flinch each time I walk past the bathroom door. And I can hear my toilet give off the pitiful wail of a prisoner being tortured in a Medieval dungeon when I sit on the toilet, "Nooooo, nooooo, I'll tell you what you want to know. Just make it stop!"
 
It all started cause I was worried. I hadn't had a decent poop in over 5 days. What little pebbles did come out of me weren't nearly enough to the amount I had consumed. So I was worried. I went online looking for a good tasting, safe, effective, and not too powerful laxative. After all, I didn't want to be like a cartoon character hanging onto hand rails to keep from launching like a rocket off the toilet. Nor did I want to wait 24 hours or more for it to work and get caught too far from the toilet.
 
So I spent an hour or so reading the reviews on natural health forums and it boiled my choices down to Milk of Magnesia or Epsom Salts. I didn't want to drink the salt, so that left Milk of Magnesia. To the Batbuick! I didn't have a secret shaft to slide down, so I had to take the stairs. Na na na na, na na na na. Our hero finds himself standing in Walmart, debating the merits of original flavor or cherry. I chose cherry hoping it would be the least disgusting of the two flavors. My only weakness, bad flavors. I can stop bullets (well, once anyway) but I can't handle the yucky taste of medicine.
 
I made my purchase and raced back to my secret bunker. A detailed analyzation of a sample (I read the label) told me the chemical components of Milk of Magnesia is composed of Magnesium Hydroxide.
 
The instructions said to drink at least 8 oz. per tablespoon taken. I had my trusty Batmug handy, loaded with 30 oz. of Crystal Light lemonade. The adult dosage was 3 to 4 tablespoons for constipation. So of course I took 4. It also said that it was suppose to work within 5 hours. But others had said expect immediate action and not to wander too far from the toilet. So I was prepared to stay around the house for the next 5 or so hours.
 
The taste wasn't quite as bad as the barium the hospital gave me for the leak test, but it was pretty disgusting. 1/2 hour later, nothing. And there I sat, broken hearted, paid 4 bucks and only farted. More or less an hour later I felt the 1st rumblings. 1/2 hour later, time to RELEASE THE KRACKEN!
 
So all in all, it was a smooth move. So smooth in fact that I was worried it was another failure to launch. But when I looked behind me, it was everything I had dreamed a poo could be. Call Guinness, it was a monster. I could fight crime with a poo this big. I'm still working on my superhero name. Captain Poo, Pinch e Loaf a, Sir Bag of Crap, The Brown Stain, Skid Mark, The Brown Eye? Suggestions are welcomed.
 
Alls well that ends well, sort of. I overdosed a little (should have stuck with 2 or 3 tablespoons instead of 4) and everything I ate for the rest of the day passed through my system rapidly. Every 4 or 5 hours, I'd get the urge. Not - EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! - kinda urge, just the sense that I needed to get to the bathroom soon. And I kept drinking as much Crystal Light as I could. Milk of Magnesia's main ingredient pulls water into the intestines and I didn't want to get dehydrated.
 
So if you need to go, as I did, Milk of Magnesia gets a big thumbs up from me. My colon is so clean you could eat off it or fight crime with it, your choice. Just get your own superhero name.
 
Comments and suggestions are welcome. I'm trying to improve my writing. If you liked this post or hated it, please leave a comment.

It's been about 10 months since my surgery and I've lost 109.5 pounds total with about 30-40 more to go. It's...strange...being on the downswing of this rather amazing journey. Looking back over everything it's crazy to see how much life has changed in less than a year. I mean, I started out at 280+ pounds and plagued with constant exhaustion of all that extra weight on a 5'5 frame. Now I'm at 171.4 and I run 3+ miles at a time, zumba, kickbox, yoga and am looking into joining a climbing club. Some of the issues over the last 10 months have been harder to deal with than others. For example, I intellectually knew that my hair was probably going to thin but actually standing in the shower with practically hunks of my hair in my hand was....emotionally hard to deal with. For all of those who are just starting this process I highly, highly HIGHLY recommend using Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair serum to help prevent loss and regrow hair. Expensive, yes, but worth it. It not only slowed the hair loss down but my hair is growing in thicker than ever!
 
Another interesting aspect to deal with has been the body/mind disconect. It's just plan weird to go into a store and have no clue where to go or what to start trying on. Your body is melting away so fast (especially in the beginning) that its shocking and you feel like your mind says one thing, the mirror says another, and your body lost 5 lbs during the 2 minutes you were trying on pants and now you have to go back into the store and find a smaller size. Fun, sure, frustrating, definitely.
 
In the beginning my weight loss was meteoric. It seemed the only thing I had to do was sneeze and I lost a pound. Once I hit 6 months, it started to slow and while that is sometimes frustrating I think it's also better mentally. I now have a chance to get to know my own body and to actually see where I'm losing weight. I measure inches lost once a month and it's been a great way to see that I'm still making progress even if the scale hasn't really moved. I basically take everything in 10 lb blocks and have little mini goals set to help keep my spirits up during stalls. Oh, and I also need to thank pneumonia. The 170's will always be The Pneumonia 10 since I pretty much zipped through them during 1 week. I finally went to the doctor thinking I had a bad ear infection/sinus infection and found out that I actually had that AND a bad case of pneumonia. Oops? While I wouldn't lie and say that I'm sorry that the 170s kinda just melted away from my fever and lack of interest in food, I would also have preferred not to have the plague. Gotta look on the bright side though, right? At least I now know why I've been so exhausted for the last week.
 
So I'm in the bottom bit of the 170s and I can actually see what my body is going to look like. I've been overweight for so long and since before puberty finally let go of me that I'm not exactly sure what my body type is. Hourglass? Lean runner physique? Pear? Delicate southern blossom? Hunchback of Notre Dame? *amused*. Yet now when I look in the mirror I can actually see the line definition of where muscle ends and the layer of chub begins. I can tell that my legs/arms/face are thinning faster than my middle and that the last 20 lbs will all be in my stomach area. My mom carries weight the same way and so it's not that big of a surprise. I have a feeling that those last 20 will be the true "Battle of the Bulge" and will be both frustrating and delightful. I'm actally rather pleased that I think I'm going to get the body type I've always secretly wanted, which is more lean runner with enough feminine curves to be interesting but not be Jessica Rabbit. Both delicate and strong.
 
My mind/body disconect has lessened over time and it's getting easier to know that this is me. That when I go out in public that people don't look at me and think "look at that fat girl". When I go to the doctors now I dont get the automatic "you are so obese you have to lose weight" talks from a doctor that is also oftentimes also overweight. (Yeah, anbody else ever notice the double standard of that?). I feel strong within myself and more confident every day. I've learned how to deal with what people say about my weight loss and how to deflect or disregard their comments. Its amazing how many people feel they have a right to comment on weight loss and tell you that it's either 'too fast to be healthy' or that 'you are turning into skin and bones and need to stop'. That last always makes me laugh because I look so thin in comparison to how I looked before, but it's still obvious that I'm carrying extra weight. My basic response to most questions on how I've managed to lose weight is that I had a "Lifeystle change". While I'm not ashamed about having had the surgery I also don't think it's every Tom, D.ick and Harry's business to know. I neither require, nor want, a casual aquiantance's judgement on my choices. And trust me, people have strong opinions one way or the other on having weight loss surgery. There are so many changes in my life that I want to make and this has helped give me the confidence to go after what I want. I want to look back in another year and be as amazed as I am now about how much life can change in a short amount of time.
 
For everyone who is thinking about doing this...you will be amazed at how great life can become. I'm not going to lie and say that it was always easy, but it has been worth it and I would do it all over again.

Today is Friday one week until I go for my gastric sleeve. I am nervous about the pre-op but more nervous about the new life I have to live. I have always been fat. Always. When I look back at my food addiction it stems from when I was young; too young to be that fat or that controlled by food. I remember grabbing a stack of Oreos and eating them behind the couch so no one would see, I remember spending my allowance on donuts from the store by my house, eating 2 candy bars in the dressing room when I was supposed to be skating etc... My love for food and eating has gotten me to where I am now. 301lbs at 29 years old and struggling with fertility. I have always looked like I weighed less but I knew and only I knew how fat I was. I want to be able to do certain things I can't now...daily life things. Ride a bike, sit in a booth in a restaurant, and buy clothes that I WANT to wear, be able to say NO to food and to be able to say YES to exercise.
 
I fell madly in love with an extremely handsome and healthy man. He is my everything. I have a love for him that is beyond words and when he married me at my heaviest (300lbs) I knew I wanted to do this for not only me, but for us. He looks at me with such love and desire that my heart explodes how he will look at me when I am thinner. Although he claims to love me for me, which I know he does I can’t wait to be on his arm and look the way I feel. He doesn’t deserve a fat wife! As we prepare for this surgery together I can see him light up when I talk about our new life, a life of exercise and sports instead of BBQs and cocktails. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy. Not ‘an everything in my life is great except my weight happy.’ A true, I feel like how I should feel happy. Not in pain, not in denial about my weight, not disgusted when I take my clothes off but happy.
 
Yesterday my husband went shopping for my pre-op meals, he loves me, he truly does. I am excited to start this new journey with him but man alive am I ever scared. How will I adjust? How will I change everything? How will my lifestyle change? The easiest thing in the world to be is fat. No doubt about it. When you become comfortable with fat it’s easy. Eat what you want, when you want, at anytime that you want. It’s easy. Becoming healthy will not be. That my friend scares me. As I embark on this journey I will blog throughout I will blog my feelings and deepest darkest thoughts. This could get ugly but it will never be as ugly as my ass is

So.....this is me and my journey of what brought me to where I am today.... This blog may make you laugh, smile and even cry.. but I just want everyone to see who I am and what brought me to this amazing experience...
 
As of today I am 29 years old and 35 pounds lighter than I was a month ago... but what got me to the point of having to have the sleeve? Well let me lay it out for you...
 
I have always been fat...from the day I was came into this world I always had more padding than was needed! My parents and sisters are both extra fluffy as well so growing up I didn't realize how different I was or what I was missing out on or not doing because of my weight because being around my family I seemed normal...I never really got teased in school for my weight, there were occasional times where kids would tease me..one time I walked past a girls desk and she started shaking like there was an earthquake. I grew up in Arizona where there aren't earthquakes, the thing is she was the same size as me so I tried not to let it bother me.
 
Then there was the time when I wore a red shirt and kids called me the kool-aid man. After that I started wearing blacks, grays, browns, darker colors that never really brought attention to myself.. wow I just realized as I wrote that why I tend to still to this day wear those colors and shy away from anything bright!
 
In middle school my mom had me do weight watchers in the summer, I lost a good amount of weight, but I was still chunky, by the end of the school year I had gained it all back and then some. The thing is, I still wasn't bothered by my weight. Boys were interested in me and had been since the 4th grade, but that probably was because I was the only 4th grade girl that was already a full B cup..
 
In high school I always had a boyfriend, it seemed that was not an issue that my weight let get in the way. There were even times when I had a few boys interested in me at once, by the end of high school I was already in a size 18/20. But that didn't seem to bother me or stop me from doing anything. My weight was something I felt would never stop me from doing what I wanted. I was happy and that is all that mattered.
 
I started college and the same thing, still had boys interested in me. Met boys in classes and made me feel like there wasn't anything wrong with my weight. I always heard people say oh boys won't like you because of your weight, but to me it wasn't an issue. I seemed to be the serial fat girl dater. After a few years of the college life I decided to move away from my family and all I knew in Arizona. It was time to branch out and I felt as though I was going no where in this town...
 
So I packed up my car and moved to San Diego at the age of 21. A city that I loved, though didn't know a single soul in. A big move for this girl who actually was shy! You wouldn't have guessed that with all that you've read so far, I bet So I started a new job, had my own place and that's when I realized that being fat, was being fat and there was nothing good about it. Living in California and a beach city to top it off there were beautiful girls everywhere.
 
Going to the beach I felt like a beached whale and that everyone stared at me... but then again I started meeting men.. they were interested in me and I thought wow if they are interested in me and there are those barbie girls out there then I am doing ok. I did start to work out and eat a little healthier, tried to get into the California lifestyle.. But even working out and eating right didn't seem to matter my weight stayed the same and eventually I gained more and more.
 
I had a few serious relationships, one right after another and they all loved me for me and thought I was beautiful no matter what size I was. I was always told I had such a pretty face, so again never let my weight get to me. I've done walks and the more weight I gained the more the simple things became harder...
 
I would determine if I would go somewhere based on how far I had to walk, if there were stairs, how crowded it was. I wouldn't go to a restaurant unless I knew there were tables instead of booths for the fear of not being able to fit into a booth.. Now I mention that the men I date were not fat, they were in good shape some in great shape with six packs!
 
I really started to become self conscious of who I was, what I looked like and who I had let myself become. My older sister had the lapband, lost a lot of weight but then had issues with the band and is slowly gaining the weight back. I started doing boxing and kickboxing at a boxing gym and loved it. I struggled but made it through every single hour long class!
 
Weight loss surgery has been something that I've thought about, but always thought I know I can lose the weight without it.. it will be my last resort! Then I met this new guy,... and we fell in love and got married! Going on just over a year right now. He is amazing, but he is fit, very active and health minded. That didn't seem to bother him, he always told me I was beautiful and loved me no matter what..
 
Then we decided we wanted to have children.. the thing is I hadn't had a period in years... I mean probably since I was in high school and college... and now I was 27 years old. I know what needs to happen to have babies... I was scared to tell him that I didn't have one and that I knew right now I would not be able to get pregnant. I so went to my OBGYN and started talking to her. She put me on medication to force me to have periods every 3 months... it worked, but still I was not ovulating. So she sent me to an endocrinologist.. and there is where I realized for one of the very first times in my life being fat is taking something from my life that I wanted so badly.
 
So they found out I had PCOS, a condition you get being overweight that causes you to resist insulin, you don't ovulate you don't get your monthly cycle. I felt like I was the only woman in the world who wanted to have regular periods every month! So they put me on medication for it to help me lose weight and get my cycles back.. well I never happened. I was thinking about weight loss surgery again, after all it would get me in the best position to have children the fastest. But I was worried too.. what if it doesn't work? Then I have tried every option possible and I am still left fat and childless... then will my husband still love me?
 
Then the true nightmare began... as I mentioned my entire family was over weight. Well as the years went on my mother was extremely overweight. She was 55 and struggling so much she was in a scooter..... my mother became very ill very fast.. she went to work on A thursday and became so ill that Saturday my dad took her to the ER. By the time I got into town, I knew I was going to lose my mother. Sunday morning at about 5 am my mother passed away. Her weight was the factor, they thought she had arthritis, which is why her back hurt and she had a scooter. Turns out it was kidney failure, and my mother had an infection and became septic. There was nothing that they could do for her in the hospital.
 
My sister and I lost our mother, our father lost his wife, my grandmother lost her daughter and her siblings lost their sister.. because of weight. That scared me because I was heading down the same path.. was that could to be me in 30 years? This happened June of 2012..
 
Then I had a dream a few night later... We were all back at the hospital and my mom was laying on the bed, she suddenly woke up and said, " Now that I'm ok, we all need to work on getting healthy". That was my breaking point, my vow to do whatever I had to do to live a long healthy life.
 
So I went to my Dr and said I want to do surgery, I went to the seminars and decided that I wanted to do the vertical sleeve. It was the best option and I have a little over 200 pounds to loose.. I was ready and willing to sacrifice anything to get my life on track. Being that I had already been going to the weight loss center I only had 2 more months until I could qualify through insurance since they required 6 months of visits..
 
So two months later my surgery date was set for Sept 14th, 2012. And I was ready. Insurance approval went through easy and I was set! Surgery day came and I still didn't feel like it was going to happen. My surgery went amazing, no complications I was on the table an hour. My recovery was just as great, I was discharged the next day by noon. I was at one of the best hospitals possible so I knew the care I was getting was what I needed.
 
Now here I am almost 4 weeks later and 35 pounds lighter. THis was the best decision of my life and I don't regret it. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. Maybe even sooner so maybe my mom would get to see how life changing it was and maybe make the decision to do something about it herself.. then maybe just maybe I would still have a mom... As today marks 4 months from the day she was taken from us all too soon..
 
So next time I think that being fat doesn't mean anything, I will think again because to me fat is no longer an option or a lifestyle.. it is going to be the old me, the me who really didn't think about what it was doing to me or my family.. Fat made me who I am today and without being this way I probably wouldn't have met my husband, but it also took my mother from me...
 
So here is to the start of the new non-fat me... seeing where this journey takes me. I know that wherever it does I will not be needing to ask for a seatbelt extender any longer

Here it is the end of month 3. Never thought I would make it this far. Next week I see the surgeon for the 3rd time and he will tell me if I have passed all the tests and can get submitted to insurance.
 
I waited till the last week to do the heart doctor who because of my age and not able to exercise very well wanted a stress test. I did it and passed. I am glad they did not find anything wrong with my heart.
 
I went to the psycologist for quite a few visits and I think I had enough of that. She was very nice but I still don't know why I use food as a comfort.
 
I have been to 4 support group meetings, went to lung doctor and he said I had a touch of asema. My PCD went on to greener fields and I had to get a new PCD. That was not easy for me after many years. I guess I like him as well as any. It is hard to find a good doctor that you can get along with. One week in this 3rd month I had 4 doctor appointments in one week. I changed endo doctors also in month 2.
 
I pray that I am making the right decision to have this surgery. I know the life I have now is not good. I want a better life. I want to be able to be off of insulin and putting holes all over my body. I am tired of testing and taking insulin. I blame myself for getting diabetes but they tell me it is not my fault. I have been overweight almost all of my life, even as a child. As soon as I started kindergarden I ballooned up to obese and was that way until the 8th grade when I starved myself for 4 months and lost 40 lbs so I could get a dress for graduation. I wanted so to look like the other girls. I managed to lose another 20 lbs over the next 4 years and stayed there with 10 lbs up or down. Then I got married to someone who was overweight and immediately started to gain. I also got pregnant and gained back the 60 lbs which I never could lose. Over the rest of my life I gained another 70lbs and because of the insulin and the pain I have to keep me seditary it will probably continue to rise.
 
Well this is my weight story. Sorry if I bored you all, but you all mean so much to me. I read every post and blog. I feel your pain and also get joy from your accomplishments. I think we are like a family here. Too all the ones that are doing this at a young age I say GOOD FOR YOU. It is a good idea to get your life back as soon as possible. I have missed so much over all the years because of weight.
 
Best of luck to everyone. I will let you know what the outcome is with the doctor next month. I hope it is good news.

Today is 3 months post sleeve. I was in the surgeon's office yesterday to check in .......40 pounds down from pre-op weight. I quit weighing at home. It was too damned stressful and just not good for me. I knew my weight was at the lowest it has been in the past 13 years because my clothes look really pitiful on me. In fact, I'd gone shopping to the local outlet mall over the weekend to buy some pants because I'd seen some photographs taken recently and refused to put those pants back on.......they were too baggy!!
 
And I knew my weight was down because when I look in the mirror, I'm beginning to resemble something that got left out in the sun too long!! Time to go to the gym!
 
Which leads me to this funny story......
 
So, after the surgeon check in, I head off to my local Curves to sign up. I like Curves. It is good for a beginner. I'm a beginner.......again......I'm an experienced beginner.
 
The lady checking me in does her questionnaire....."Have you lost or gained weight recently?"
 
I smile, "Yes, I've lost 40 pounds in the past 3 months."
 
Her eyes get big, "Really, how?"
 
"I had a gastric sleeve procedure"......she looks confused....I clarify "I had weight loss surgery."
 
Ding Ding Ding......she gets it!
 
So along with the measurements, weight, etc........then she asks, "What do you want to gain from this?"
 
I answer "I don't want to look like a record that's been left in the sun too long?"......She laughs, but I didn't give the answer she was looking for, so she tries again, "Ok, what else are you hoping to accomplish?"........I answer "Well, my 2 month old grandson weighs 15 pounds and I need more muscle to bounce that kid to sleep.".......another chuckle, but not the answer she was looking for..........she tries AGAIN "What do you want for yourself from the exercise program?".........my answer "Well, you see, I need to create a muscular core so when the plastic surgeon goes to reconstruct my abdomen, he'll have something to work with."
 
I'm laughing my fat butt off, and she's chuckling, but I'm still failing the Curves admission test...........finally she just asks the question "Do you want to lose more weight?"
 
Then I do bust a gut laughing..........
 
"Of course I do, ma'am........that's why I had the surgery 3 months ago. I'm gonna keep losing weight, regardless of whether I work out here or not. I want to work out so that I look GOOD and FIRM as the weight comes off.........not sick and saggy."

IDK if it's fear or what, but my 'tude isn't where I'd like it to be right now.
 
Part of it is this freak'n leak that I am dealing with. Then to come here and read someone's post that hasn't even had surgery yet that says most ppl with leaks/complications have either caused them themselves or their dr's have or a botched surgery, I'm sorry, but it really pisses me off.
 
And why? IDK this person. And I don't care to. Doesn't matter a hill of beans what she thinks nor says. So why's it incite something inside of me?
 
Because I am scared. To the point I find myself crying the last few days on occassion. I rarely cry anymore. Well unless I talk of my family, then that's a whole other ball game (you'd have to know the players to understand the game! so's to speak... anywho, I digress, shocking huh?).
 
I AM scared. What if I never heal? What if I have to have surgery AGAIN? What if this new job that I just got fires me for something minor/contrived if I take off time to deal with all of this? What if I did something wrong to have caused this? What if I put it off the fix for months, will I continue to be in pain so much that I could slap someone? (as was the case today, which worries me since I have a high pain tolerance according to my last two hospitalizations) What if what if what if.... AHHHH just hush. I need to center and just quiet it all.
 
Sometimes, as hard as it is to "believe"..... **** JUST happens. It just DOES. In this highly litigous society, where everyone is a "celebrity" and "entitled" to voicing their opinion via statuses on fb/twitter/etc, I just get tired of the lack of common courtesy in the things ppl say or do, as well as the judgements that goes along with it. No one wishes to have that treatment, so why is it so quick to be dished out?
 
Sometimes things JUST GO WRONG. Etiology undetermined, aka no identifiable root cause. I have spoken to enough dr's and other professionals regarding my health status to know this statement to be fact as it pertains to me. But I get tired of a large percentage of the world that speaks of what they don't know or ask questions that are rather crass in the manner in which they are worded (omg what did you do to cause this?) ......... really, I am struggling enough here.
 
Perhaps MIA for a while is best. I hate that I'm being quite this emotional and even moreso admitting to it, but hell, I am a realist. So MIA? IDK if that's best for me. Hiding under a rock with all of this crappus floating around in my head... IDK. So ending point is.... if you read this, and if you care, please say some prayers for me. I hope God isn't disappointed in what I feel in my heart. I am honestly struggling right now. I've been fighting so much for so long, I'm just tired and... I am scared, I am frustrated, I am tired. It's a foolish waste of energy, but it is what it is.
 
Rambling rita out.... xxx

Spanx -
This all started when I decided to put a dumb joke on a forum post. The question was a serious one, about when you could start wearing Spanz again after surgery. So I added a version of the age old joke, and it was well received:
 
A guy is undressing at the country club and his friend notices he is wering a pink girdle. He asks when his friend stated wearing a girdle. His friend replied, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
 
And since I now have a good bit of extra skin around the old equator, I thought, maybe I should see if there is something like that for me. Well, it turns out that there is and soooo much more.
 
I do not see myself as the kind of guy that needs or would wear a pair of briefs with butt enhancers, but it is good to know that if I need them, they are out there - in three color options and an entire array of various lifts. I guess I am lucky in that my butt looks pretty much like it should (I guess). So I do not see this as a necessary accessory. I do think it is funny that you can get different lifts, like determining how high you want to jack up the rear end of your car.
 
If you do not know, Spanx actually has a brand for men called "Manx." It is very expensive. A "compression T-shirt" is 88 bucks. Seems a bit high since it is still 80% cotton. The other 20 percent must be stainless steel if it is going to hold me in...
 
Now about the briefs. There is way too much enhancement going on. Not to be rude, and I understand that men come in all sizes and that goes for each and every part. Again I guess I am lucky there as well. But unlike other things I do not need, I do not see the point of these. This is one area that it seems like if your plans are successful, your secret is going to be out.
 
Finally, what is with the models? The people that are wearing these things do not need them. I get it. You have to sell sexy. But a guy buying a pair of underwear designed to squeeze in his gut like a boa constrictor does not want to see a 30" waisted model wearing it. I need to see if it works. I want to see a big guy in it. I do not need to see smooth tanned sexy abs rippling through the spandex like ... (sorry got carried away there). Give me a good trucker, or a lumberjack, not a super model. With a shaved chest no less... I have chest hair, but I do not shave them - either of them!! Granted, on the man's thong page (which I was only visiting for academic reasons) the super models are nice, but for the shapers ... we need more offensive linemen and less tight ends. (pun intended)
 
Finally, I will admit that you ladies are awesome for wearing some of these things. They look very constricting. And some go from your ankles to your neck line. If I did that I would either have size 25 feet or have 25 chins looking like a badly folded cheap pink turtleneck. You can only squeeze so much, it has to go somewhere. You gals can let it all move upward and enhance the bustline. We do not have that option. Maybe they could squeeze it down far enough and around the corner and make a combination waist reducer and butt enhancer.
 
So I guess I just need to order one and see how it looks. Who knows? Maybe it will take the giggle out of my middle, until I get it down to where I want it to be.

2009 I considered doing the lapband. I signed up for it and backed out at the last minute.
 
2012 I started going to weight loss meetings to see about RNY even though what I knew about it sounded quite dangerous. I knew a few others that had had it done and they always looked grey and sick. The first meeting I went to I was told about the sleeve. Well this turned my skepticism to a brighter note. This group presented it well and it was a good hospital in my area. The only problem was the surgeon had very little experience.
 
Well, I thought, there are others somewhere. I started searching the net. I went to 4 more meetings with different people and finally found one that at least had done a few hundred of the sleeve. I went to him the end of June 2012. Now mind you I am still quite scared. I am older than most and have a lot of medical problems; HBP HIGH CHOLESTEROL INSULIN DEPENDANT DIABETIS THYROID'S BEEN REMOVED NECK AND BACK PAIN THAT ARE DEABILATATING AT TIMES BONE SPUR THAT IS INBEDED IN MY ACHILLES TENDON AND IT IS MAJOR SURGERY TO FIX (HAD THE OTHER FOOT DONE AND WAS IN WHEEL CHAIR FOR 6 WEEKS).
 
I see the NUT and the doctor. She told me how she wanted me to eat and to give up sodas(which I have done for 2 weeks now) The list from the doctor was quite long. I did the lung test, psy eval, blood work, went to 3 support meetings, got letter and history from PCP,had all upper GI and colonoscopy reports sent to stomach DR.
 
This is how my first month went. Also I forgot that I am online with all you good people here helping me through this. One minute I don't think I can do this and then I hear all you tell me how it has changed your life. So whenever I think of just forgetting the whole thing I come here for support.
 
I went to my second Dr appointment yesterday. The NUT wanted to know why I did not change the way I eat and I said I had too many other things to do this month and the on and off again mind set I had. I promised I would start next week and I will.The Dr comes in and literaly does nothing. He asked me a few questions and we discused me not having the sleep apnea test. because I do not want to. He said it is required by insurance and I said not mine. Than he got kind of angry and said we can't make you do it but it is needed for surgery . So I guess I have to have it done.
 
Got a letter today that said my B-12 was low and to start taking 1000mcg a day. Will do this next week also.
 
Well, this is my WLS for the first month. I was told surgery sometime in October. I'm sure I will have more in my next blog!!!!!

You have to admit we have been through some funny stuff. There are all kinds of indignities to being overweight. But the stuff we have gone through in our VSG journey - all in the name of beauty - are above and beyond the norm.
 
I will do an entire post on the rope-down-the-nose test, but that was one of the weirdest things I have ever had to do. And I am convinced that the doctor knew what he was doing when he picked a cute, incredibly personable young lady for that job. 'Cause I'll tell you one thing, if she was not sweet, funny and personable, I would have strangled her with my slime covered nose rope. BLECH.
 
Or when the nurse, in getting me up to walk around the hospital floor at 10:30 at night was having to fix my gown. I do not know what she was doing back there but (no pun intended) it seemed to take a long time and my fanny was cold.
 
So, I will post here, as I am not sure that my silly humor is always appreciated by unsuspecting readers when I reply on the various forums.

I have had a really busy summer. I had my friend and her daughter visit in May. Then in June, they returned with her husband. Now, I have a a friend coming over from Ireland for two weeks and while she's here, I have my brother in law and his daughter visiting for two nights as well. Now, please know that I love everyone that is visiting and I wouldn't have it any other way. The issue is that I put so much pressure on myself to make my home look clean and welcoming. 10 years ago, I could clean my house from top to bottom, scrub the floors, clean the bathrooms, do laundry, make the beds, do dishes, and finally finish it all with dusting and vacuuming. Well, 10 years ago, my back wasn't as bad and I could wake up and have the house all done by 4pm. I would end the day by taking a shower and then getting a beer or glass of wine and relaxing on the couch while I looked around and admired my work.
 
That's not even an option now. My back has made it so that I have to clean in spurts. Because I have procrastinated, tomorrow, I will have to suck up the pain and attack the dirt and clutter with no mercy. Now, I know my home isn't 'dirty", it's more cluttered than anything. I also have the issue that we have no storage area, so there are many things that I would throw out, but my husband SWEARS he needs that empty box in case one day it's worth money. Yes, that's all true. I have boxes of empty game boxes for him. I have found a place to store them, but if I had my way, they would all be out side in the trash.
 
You all know that becasue this is how I feel, what will happen is one day, he will sell a game with the box and we'll have $10,000. Then I'll have to hear, "I told you so" for the rest of my life. Oh, I can't wait. LOL
 
Ok, back to cleaning. Because I know what I have to do tomorrow, and becasue I am stressed with all I have to do before my Irish friend gets here Thursday night, I now am not able to fall asleep. So, tomorrow, I will be in pain, tired, and I will have to clean for a guest. This should be fun. The problem is I know what will happen. By the time my husband gets home from work, I will be so exhausted that I will either break down sobbing (and then have to worry about the sinus issues), or I will start a fight with him for no reason except I want to yell at someone. Gosh I hope I cry.
 
For now, I think I will go to bed now. I will wake up around 9 or 10. I will do the laundry, dishes, and kitchen floor. Then I will do the bathrooms (quickly), and then go to the pool. Once I am done at the pool, I can come back, dust, and vacuum. Then I will make the house "company ready". You know what I mean: towels folded perfect and the bed made perfect, books placed in the perfect spot as well as a candle. I hope I'm not the only one who attempts to make my home look like it's in Good Housekeeping becasue if I am, I need more help than I thought. LOL Then on Thursday, I will relax and wait for her arrival.
 
Yes, that sounds perfect. Problem is, I know tomorrow, I will totally mess this up and will still be running around like a chicken with his heard cut off right to the point she walks through the door. Then I will say the words we all say to company. "I'm so sorry the house is a mess, please just ignore it." Yes, that will have to do.

I love laying out. The sun energizes me, and I feel so much better after being outside all day. So, when the weather is like it has been, I lay out at the pool. I enjoy getting a nice tan and I spend a lot of time in the pool as well. In order for me not get strap marks on my arms, I pull them down and tuck them in the top part of my suit. I've done this for years with no problem, as my boobs filled out the suit and kept it up. Well, the past few days, I've noticed that I have to be a little more careful with my suit if I go under water or move around a lot. I have to make sure I hold the suit near my boobs so that no one gets a R rated show for free. This has worked for me...until yesterday.
 
Now, here is how it all went down. My friend (you remember, the one from Costa Rica) is back in town with her daughter and husband and we all went to the pool. I was playing with the little girl while keeping an eye (and hand) on my chest. Then, it happened. I had a moment of forgetfulness. I picked up the little girl...tossed her to the side and then POP...out came the boobs....nice and perky from the cold water and at attention for everyone to see. I quickly went under water while pulling up my suit. I thought I made it with out anyone seeing then BAM there he was. He was sitting out on a lounge chair with this great big grin on his face. I knew right then that my boobs had a new admirer and he didn't care that they were a little (or a lot) droopy and smaller than they have been in years. He got a free boob show and his grin showed me he approved with what he saw. Right then, I decided that I needed to wear the new bathing suit I bought.
 
So, today I wore the new suit only to find out that one of the straps is coming undone and needs to be sewn. So, tomorrow, I will have to wear the old one. The one that wont stay up with out some support. Support that my droopy boobs can't give. So, I will have to give in and wear the straps or just accept that I may give a few more guys a show.....humm....white straps on my arms or showing off my boobs for a few strangers????? What will I do. I hate to say it, but there may be some very happy men at the pool tomorrow and Monday. Now, I wonder how my husband will feel about this once I read this to him.....maybe he will want to see them now....I got it, I think I'll read it to him with my shirt off and boobs out...that way he won't be listening to me. Yes, that will work very well. So, here I go, Shirt off....lets hope he is more interested in the boobs than what I am saying....we've been together for 12 years so you never know how this will end...but I'll let you know.
 
Ok, did it....He held on to every word....but he did glance down once or twice...that's pretty good after 12 years.

For some reason (I am sure it's due to the ridiculous amounts of chlorine in the pool water) I have begun to have some sinus issues lately. I have been able to deal with them with out taking any type of medicine. The most I may do is put some hydrogen peroxide on a Q-Tip and clean my ears out with it so that an infection won't come on considering how much time I spend in the pool. This happened to me today. As soon as I went under, I could feel the chlorine water find it's way up my nose and in my sinus cavity. I swear, I know how to swim and usually, I don't get any water up my nose, but for some reason this pool is different. Then, to top it off, my husband and I had a very intense conversation. You know the kind. The kind with some yelling, and tears, and then kissing and making up. I always enjoy the making up part. The problem is, when I cry, I look like buffoon. I am not one of those cute, pretty, "oh, please let me just hold you" type of criers. Nope, I am the kind with the snot running down my nose with tears intermixed, eyes so swollen and red I can't see two feel in front of me, and a nose that from all the blowing now looks like I should be leading Santa's sleigh on a foggy night. I always wished I could be one of those cute criers. The ones who don't look any different except that they have some tears trickling down their cheeks. But nope, I couldn't be that lucky. Then, to top it off, I ALWAYS get a sinus infection the next day or two from it. Nothing beats having a bad night and crying only to wake up int he morning with a pounding headache and a man inside your sinus cavity with a sledge hammer attempting to get to your brain.
 
So, I have learned that when I am done crying, I have to take two Sudafed (sp?) and two Advil (now it's Tylenol). This has always worked for me with out much issue. That is until I've had the sleeve done. Since the sleeve, I've tried to take the medication twice. Both times I feel like there is something in my little tummy that is BEGGING to get out. It doesn't care if it takes the elevator up or down. I know this is due to the size of the stomach and the amount of yucky stuff that has drained from my sinus cavity and my nose to my stomach. However. I have no idea what else to do. I have tried to take only one pill but that hasn't helped me at all. So, it ends up that I find myself in the bathroom throwing up all that gross stuff in my tummy.
 
To make matters worse, I haven't been able to sleep tonight. So, I took my morning meds around 5am. That includes my per-natal vitamin. I figured I'd be alright since it had been so long since the crying and drainage. I figured the elevator would be headed down by down. Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Then it happened. Something I hate. That thing where you're kneeling in front of the porcelain god begging to feel better. Then I saw it. It was a red color in the bowl. Talk about fear ripping through me. I woke up my more husband (who wasn't able to sleep well tonight either) so he could come look at my throw up. He informed me it was fine. But, being a woman, I never take his word. I started thinking what IF ANYTHING I had that had a red tint to it. Then it hit me. My vitamin. I opened one up and there it was. The same stuff that ended up getting flushed down to the place with all the dead gold fish and a lot of other things I'd rather not think about. At that moment, I wanted to cry again. Only this time, it would be tears of happiness. So many things had gone through my mind. Did a stable pop? Do I have an ulcer? Was there bleeding due to lack of iron? I became my own doctor and the thoughts I was having were not fun. Funny things is, even with all that going through my head, all I could think was, "Damn, I really don't want to pay the E.R. 150 bucks." Funny how money can really change your perspective on things. LOL
 
Now, before everyone gets all freaked out, please know that I've only cried to the point of needing the Sudaed (sp) two times since surgery. This is not an everyday type of occurrence. It just shocks me how much snot crying can produce, and that no matter how much I blow my nose, there always seems to be TONS left that drains into my stomach. My stomach that can only hold 3-4ounces at a time....you do the math....it's not a pleasant thought now is it?
 
Well, anyway, I am much better now. I've learned my lesson. Don't take my vitamin when I don't have anything in my stomach except the Sudafed and some crystal lite (or and the other nasty stuff) as it WILL NOT END WELL.
 
Sorry for the disgusting post....but as always, I like to tell you the good, the bad, the ugly, and the nasty part of weight loss. Today you got the nasty...and not in a good way.

Today is almost my three month point. Also, I have my 20th high school reunion coming up so I figured it was a good time to go shopping. Now I have no idea what size I wear or where I should shop. So, I called my mother. I always like to have someone with me that will be completely honest and tell me I look like a teenage wannabe, or I'm trying to wear a size WAY to small or WAY to big. Mom will always be honest. Sometimes a little too honest. One time she told me not to buy something because my boobs looked to big. That's what I liked about the shirt. Needless to say, I bought it.
 
Anyway, today I started at Lane Bryant. You all know the Big Girl store. I found some things I liked and grabbed a couple different sizes. To my amazement, I fit into a 14/16 shirt, and a 16 or 18 pants (depending on the cut). I can't tell you the last time I wore anything that size. Especially for my shirts. At that moment, shopping began to be fun. I started to understand why people love shopping....I could totally get into this shopaholic thing.
 
Then I went to Old Navy. Now, understand that the only thing I used to be able to buy here was a men's XXXL sweatshirt. Well, today, I was able to fit into the woman's polo shirts (XXL), woman's jeans (size 18), and an XL woman's sweatshirt. Now, here's the funny thing. Being big for most of my life, I've always worn very baggy clothes. Because even though we all know baggy clothes don't hide anything, we feel more comfortable and let's be honest, we're hiding behind those extra baggy shirts and pants. So, when I came out to look in the mirror wearing these clothes that were the correct size and fit me the way they were supposed to, I felt so exposed. It took me awhile to get that this is what I am supposed to wear and how I am supposed to look. Trust me, it's crazy. I really had to look at the emotional issues that come with being fat. Then, I said "screw that" I'm losing weight and doing well. I have the body I would have died for when I was 25. I'm curvy, and yes I have more weight to lose, but I am going embrace my new body and not hide it being my XXXL sweatshirt.
 
Well, apparently embracing my body cost $300. I embraced it in new bras, underwear, jeans, pants, sweats, and shoes. I also made sure that none of those things were baggy or hiding anything. Everything I bought showed my body in a tasteful way. However, the only person who will see the panties and bras will be my husband....and he'll be happy to hear that my cup size is still a DD. He was so worried about that. LOL
 
So, now that I told you about my wonderful day, I have to tell you that I have been kind of down. My scale number has not really moved over the past month and a half. If goes up and down between five pounds. Now, I KNOW that I am working out more and gaining muscle and that my body is changing but I still want that number to go down. I want to be under 200 so badly, I can't even explain it. The last time I was under 200 I was in high school and I was working out all the time and barely eating. But, right now that's my goal and I am so upset that I'm not getting any closer to it. But, going today and seeing how my body is changing even if the scale isn't going down makes me feel REALLY GOOD. So, I decided to stop worrying about that number on the scale and enjoy my body and my new clothes. Now, I just have to figure out what I'm going to wear first.

One thing you all don't know yet is that I fall all the time. I can be walking along just fine and then BAM, I hit the ground. I've done this my whole life so I've learned how to take a fall. I also run into things and bang my head on things all the time. Again, I'm used to this. Also, I had lots of extra padding to keep me safe. Well, last night I found out that some of that padding is gone....and trust me, it HURT me to learn this.
 
I had gone over to my parents to get a cooler for my friend and her husband to use at the beach today. I cleaned it out with bleach and water.....and ruined ANOTHER shirt. Bleach and I just don't get along. Anyway, back on track. So, last night I looked inside of it and noticed that there was still some water in it. Now, you have to understand the way my counter is. It comes out to the living room to allow for extra space and a place to eat. Ok, so I was bent down (under the counter) cleaning out the water and then I decided it would be a great idea to stand up without getting out from under the counter. Well, my head found a new friend. I slammed my head on the counter so hard that I gave myself two knots, a headache and a concussion. It was right then I knew that I lost some fat in my head. I say that becasue I have hit my head on so many things over the years with out issue. I am talking counters, the open freezer door, walls (walking into them), doors. I swear, I always have some type of bruise on me but I haven't had a concussion since I don't know when.
 
My husband rolled his eyes at me when I told him how badly I was hurt. He's used to seeing me doing things like this and I am never a baby about it but for some reason last night he thought I was making it worse than it was. That was until he felt my knots. Thank you knots for telling him I am not a wimp. Then it all changed. He became so concerned. He wouldn't let me sleep and if I did, he made me sleep out in the living room so he could wake me up when he wanted to make sure I was ok. That was great until I woke up on my own only to find his sleeping on the couch (I was on the love seat). What is it with men, a remote, and a couch. I think there is a sleep button that we women don't know anything about on the remote.
 
Anyway, i am fine. Knots are much smaller today and the headache is gone. I just have to be more careful now that I'm losing my padding. It's going to suck when I fall again....I better start wearing one of those dog training suits...that should keep me safe.

I am scheduled for the VSG on July 18th and cannot hardly wait to feel better in my own skin! However, my anxiety is growing as the days tick by and I will begin my Pre-op diet while we are on vacation (bummer)! I have tried several protein shakes and supplements thus far, so I would know what to pack for my vacation. We have a very limited supply of that kind of stuff where I live, so I have to purchase things like Isopure by mail. Just curious on what types/flavors of protein are good.