heaterville

I am alomost 3 yr post surgery. I met my goal weight & then some, gained about 30 lbs due to complications from an ulcer which required me to empty the band and go through all the refills, its slowly coming off again. I have a serious boyfriend of almost 2 yrs, he met me when I was at my current weight, was with me when I lost even more and was there when I gained it back. He is SOOO supportive, nice, is soooo sweet said he hadn't even noticed when I gained those 30 lbs. My total weight loss is 100 lbs or so though, my stomach is like the saggy baggy elephant, I've always had large flabby upper arms and the weight loss has made it worse, not to mention the fact that the weight loss and 2 kids have cause the girls to point way south. I am super self concsious about it all. I make myself look at myself naked in the mirror to get myself comfortable with myself, all I see is the flab and wrinkles. My boyfriend says he'd love me to walk around naked, the thought makes me want to puke. I get dressed up to go out on the town, one minute I'm thinkin go look pretty dang good - then I turn a certain way and see the back fat & skin hanging above my bra, or the bulge in my jeans from the stomach pouch & want to stay home. Recently the fact that my boyfriend said he wasn't in the mood for sex after a couple of weeks without sent me spiralling down into a depression, all I could think was that he doesn't find me attractive & the only way he gets through sex with me is because I start it and get him worked up enough to 'get through it'. I know its not the truth, but the voice in my head I've been hearing for 25 yrs is louder than ever, telling me I'm stupid for ever thinking I could be attractive or beautiful, how could anyone ever want to see a fat ass like me naked and the likes. I know I look decent, better than 100 lbs ago, but when I look a myself in mirrors or pictures I still me my 300+lb self. I am at a loss and don't know how to feel better about myself. I thought it would fall into place after the weight was gone. Anyone else struggle with this???

Thank you thank you thank you all!!! Some of these words made me cry, just knowing you understand and feel what I'm feeling. I have no one to talk to - my sister, boyfriend, everyone has always been thin. My mom has always been thin, but recenlty gained a LOT of weight so anything body image/weight related is a very touchy subject for her, & I know me being smaller than her for the first time since I was 10 is hard on her. Knowing others have felt this way I don't feel quite so alone. You all have given me a lot of empowering motivation. I know its an insane struggle, just sitting here trying to say in my mind 'I am beautiful' gives me an incredible amount of anxiety & really makes me realize I need help on this. I think because I've never really heard it before my boyfriend makes it very hard to see it might be somewhat true. I'm going to start slow by just doing some reading I think, trying to get myself to say something positive each morning, and maybe someday I will feel ok saying I am beautiful out loud. I feel foolish going to a professional on this for some reason, it seems very trivial in the big picture of mental health. But if this doesn't work I think I may need to. We'll see how tonight goes with my boyfriend. I'm hoping my 'freak out' the past few nights hasn't pushed him away! Thank you again!

I talk with my boyfriend, tell him that I need to hear the reassurance. He gets frustrated because he feels by having to tell me repeatedly it means I don't trust him or believe him, which I understand so I've tried to stop asking. Thank you though for the encouraging words! I KNOW what I should be doing and telling myself, putting it into actions is tougher than I ever thought.