lolusernames

Hello everyone. I'm totally new. I'm not a lurker, and I just made an account before creating this post. I only did it because I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed, and I was hoping that someone could help me. I apologize beforehand for the length of this post, and I further apologize for not being more active in the community before creating such a gargantuan, but I had to get this off my chest. Let's start with the basics. I'm a girl. 22 years old when I got the surgery (Sept 7th 2011), and I'm now 23. I'm 5'11", currently 211ish lbs. I've been hefty ever since I was a kid, and was only in the healthy weight range (barely, and often just "close") when I was 16-18ish. I've always struggled with trying to lose weight, but i've never been "that big." I carry 90% of my excess weight in my stomach, and because of my height... I didn't look bad weighing 185-200, which I often did. I've always been bad for working out OR dieting (never both at the same time. lol) for a few weeks, losing 15 or 20 lbs, and then stopping because I "looked okay." And now for a brief family history. I come from a family riddled with diseases... My grandpa on my dad's side has had several heart attacks as well as diabetes, and both my grandparents on my mother's side have had cancer, which actually claimed one of their lives. But the person most plagued by diseases is my father. He had open heart surgery at the age of 43 for not one... not two... not three... but FOUR major blockages in his heart, all ranging from 80-95% blockages. He also has diabetes, off the chart (literally, immeasurably high) triglycerides, and terrible cholesterol for... really, as long as I can remember. And, surprisingly, my dad is not "that big" either. He's also around 5'10" and 210lbs. And it seems... the apple does not fall far from the tree. Even as a young teenager, I struggled with "borderline high" cholesterol, "borderline high" blood sugar, and "borderline high" blood pressure. I have been tiptoeing on the lines nearly my entire life. In the last several years, my weight rose from 190 to 245 to 225 back up to 247, and despite what I considered to be my best efforts, I could not bring it back down below the 200 mark. I went to the gym and worked out -hard- 4 days a week; I would try to be conscious of what I was eating and make healthy choices, but I would see no results, and no results lead to lack of motivation. It was at this time that my mother suggested to me that I consider getting lap band surgery, and my father (who has also had lap band surgery, but does not take advantage of it) supported her suggestion. I didn't think I was big enough to qualify as my BMI barely put me in the obese category, but it turns out that because of all my health issues and because of my family history of health issues, I actually was. I watched multiple videos on youtube about people's stories... and I wanted that success. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to finally complete my journey and get into that healthy weight range and -stay- there. I wanted to be able to become healthy and not have to worry about tiptoeing on that line, or have to eventually take pills for blood pressure, diabetes, triglycerides, and cholesterol. I wanted to be able to win this battle while I was still in my 20s and to be able to enjoy the rest of my life. And then, surgery day came. It sucked, but I compared the pain to me fighting a battle, and I thought I had won. I thought I had finally thrown the winning blow. But I was wrong. It started at first with my top incision becoming infected, but they said that was relatively common for that top incision, and gave me an antibiotic. Then came my first fill, and it was very painful. I could tell by the doc's reaction that it was unusually painful. I was also very sore, but I attributed that to having surgery. I'd never had such a surgery before, so I thought a couple months of soreness would be normal. Then I went in for my second fill... And after 10 minutes of digging around in my stomach (ouch) I heard this terrible scraping sound... and one doctor went to get the other doctor, who repeated the attempt, only to get the same result-- a horrible scraping sound. Barely 2 months after surgery, I had to schedule another surgery to fix a flipped port. I got the second surgery sometime around mid December. It was infinitely more painful than the first, but the pain was not as long lasting. And then came the scar. At first, it kind of looked better than the original port scar, but healing was not to be as cut and dry as we had hoped. Unfortunately, I'm a keloider. I've had 2 keloid scars on my shoulder since I was 10. The top scar, the one that got infected, has keloided... and the port scar, I guess because of all the trauma done to that skin, has also begun to keloid. LUCKILY, I'm not one of those keloiders whose scars hurt and itch... mine are just discolored and huge and raised/lumpy. The good news is that this second surgery has fixed my band. My fills no longer hurt and we can successfully put Fluid into the band. But, on the Quest to lose 10lbs a month, we put a bit too much fluid into the band, and I spent the first 2 weeks of this month puking randomly, getting things stuck, and being generally miserable. I felt like I was at war with my own body. And after puking 5 times in one day and being unable to even drink Water, I had to get an appointment to get the band loosened. It has been loosened significantly. My misery has largely been alleviated, and the odd anxiety I was feeling has been lifted. What's that I said? Anxiety? I've never experienced anxiety before.... why would I suddenly start feeling it when I could no longer eat like I used to? And then I realized what was really wrong. I realized that I hadn't even started to win the fight. I realized that I wasn't fat because my stomach was a bottomless pit... I was fat because I ate to cope with my stress. Not being able to eat that pizza or chips or Cookies when I was feeling the pressures of the outside world was causing me to feel anxious, miserable, and downright pissed off. I didn't quit my diets in the past because I looked decent enough... I'd quit them because everyday pressures would make me want to eat unhealthy food, and I would give in... and I didn't even realize this! No diet could stop me from doing that until this one... and it made me feel miserable. So now what? I've went through all this... the pain of 2 surgeries in 3 months time, a permanent alteration to my body, fresh, ugly scars that are just going to get progressively worse over time... and for what? The problem ISN'T with my stomach size, it's with my BRAIN. Upon realizing this, I have found myself battling deep regrets. The one thing I never tried was counseling, because I didn't realize I had a problem. Now that I know that's the problem, and I know I'm going to have to look into getting therapy to try to find alternate coping methods, I wonder if I could have done it without the band. I wonder if I could have done it on my own and the band was just a huge, painful, ugly, inconvenient, and expensive mistake. I realize that it's reversible, but the insurance wouldn't cover that, and that wouldn't take away my scars... in fact, it would probably make all of them keloid. I'm also morbidly terrified about losing weight and my port showing. My dad's port is so obvious that he has a huge (1-1.5 inch) bump that you can even see through his shirts... They say mine won't be like that, but I can feel it... and it feels close to the surface of my skin despite being attached to the muscle. I know how vain this sounds... keloid scars, port showing... but when I start to think that I maybe could have done it on my own if I'd approached it differently, that vanity can't help but to peek through. But I'm also trying to be positive... because I know... or, at least, I THINK I know that if I can get my brain under control, the lap band could be a great tool to help me throughout my life, because I do have a soft spot for food (my soft, squishy belly!). I just... I feel like such a failure. Sure, I've lost around 30lbs since September, but it's been such a struggle. Most of that weight came off in the 2 weeks of pre-op dieting. And finally recognizing and admitting that I have a serious problem with comfort food, and not knowing how to combat that... it just makes me feel so hopeless. I KNOW that the right alternative is to exercise, but having knowledge about something and feeling inclined to do it when you're sad, lonely, bored, angry, or stressed out are two totally different things. Does anyone have any comments, suggestions, or advice? I'm hoping for support that I did make the right decision since I am so strongly leaning toward the idea that I have made the wrong one by getting lap band. I hate feeling this heavy sense of regret and failure. It's weighing on my heart, which doesn't help, considering I want to make myself feel better by eating. Sigh. If you made it all the way to the end of this post, you are a serious trooper, and thank you. Jess

Wow, I never anticipated such a response. Thanks so much to the people who took the time to read my post and leave such encouraging and heart-felt responses. They actually did make me feel better! That doesn't sound like a defeat to me at all. In fact, I had had that thought in my head even pre-op. I've tried to do weightwatchers in the past, but been unable to stick to the diet because I would still be hungry. I was hoping that with the band, I would be able to eat the recommended point value without being left feeling hungry. So I actually think that's a great idea. Also, congrats on making it to a size 12! That's definitely something to be proud of! Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you've had so many complications with your band lately. You're right, though, we need to focus on why we got this done in the first place... You have your daughter, which is an amazing reason, and I don't want to struggle my whole life, I don't want to have to take 10 pills every night, I don't want to have open-heart surgery in 20 years, and I certainly don't want to get married and start a family only to die or be too sick to be with them. I hope they can fix what went wrong and that you have no more problems with this. You were right to change your lifestyle. I wanted to, but it's so much easier to say than to really do. But i've decided to try something that I've never done before. I'm not going to buy another home exercise program (even though I have several that are awesome and that I love, I never find myself sticking to them for very long) ... and I'm going to see about getting a personal trainer and going to an actual -gym-. I went and visited 2 gyms today... and right after walking in, I felt awkward and out of place. Almost everyone that was there was buff. And they all watched me as I came in. And I instantly felt the need to hide or run away. lol. but maybe a personal trainer telling me what to do would focus my mind enough that I forget about any awkward stares. And that is what I would like to do too! I was at a restriction level that I liked decently enough. I was too restricted in the morning to eat anything other than yogurt or a shake or cream of wheat, but otherwise, I could eat just in more restricted portions. Like, I'd go to a restaurant, and that one meal would end up becoming 3 because I couldn't eat it all. I lost 5 lbs that month. But my doctors keep telling me that once we get the band where it needs to be, I won't be able to eat any kind of bread, Pasta, or pizza because it'll get stuck or even cause damage. They also say that once we get the band at the right tightness, I won't be able to eat anything at all until like 7 hours after I wake up. Bleh. Thanks for all your insight. The almost ironic thing about all of this is that I have my bachelors in Psychology, and I am working to get into a PsyD program next fall so I can get my doctorate in Health Psychology. I've always been pretty good about seeing the bigger picture and getting to the actual root of the problem, but it somehow eluded me when it came to my own issues. I suppose that's natural, though. Most people have a blind spot where their own problems are concerned. Well, that's one thing I kind of wonder as well. When I was 16, I did manage to get somewhat of a handle on my weight. I became super strict on diet and I worked out pretty frequently off and on. After I got my tonsils out and could only drink Water and popsicles for 8 days, I managed to get to an all-time low of 174lbs. But I hated the college I went to my freshman year. I felt trapped there (my dad was very adamant about me attending that school, and I was always a kid that did as I was told... so I thought I was going to have to spend my entire college career there.) and when I realized there was NOTHING for me to do, and NO WHERE for me to go, and NO FORM of entertainment, I sank further and further into misery, all my good habits failed me, and I went right back to old ones. By the time I transferred to a college that I actually wanted to attend... by the time I actually had the opportunity to go places, do things, meet people, and have fun... All my good habits had bit the dust, and I became curiously addicted to the ice cream that they sold in the lobby of my dorm (omg, so good.) And even though I'd still fight it and try to get back into those good habits, I just couldn't make them stick again. I even worked out for a full 30 days in a row to Chalene Extreme from BeachBody... and I LOVE beachbody. their products are amazing! And the workout was amazing! But I -gained- 10 lbs that month. I went from 190 up to 200. And then I lifted weights that were too heavy and threw out my back to the point I couldn't move and had to get a shot to even be able to hobble around. It really just kind of went downhill from that point. So a part of me wonders if I -could- have managed to get back in that mindset to set my life right again. But the realistic side of me thinks I probably couldn't've. One year of good habits vs. 22 years of bad ones is not exactly what I would consider favorable odds. My doctors would like to get me to the point that I'm losing 10lbs a month. I mentioned this a little earlier in this response, but they told me that once I got to the place I was supposed to be, I wouldn't be able to eat until 7ish hours after I woke up, and that I wouldn't be able to eat any form of bread, pasta, pizza... nothing like that. But I think i'm going to have to talk to them. While I want to lose weight, I feel that goal is a little too ambitious. I would be happier losing 5lbs a month and being able to still live a normal life. Thanks again to everyone who replied. You folks really did help a lot, and I truly appreciate it.