becky444

So the past 10 days have been quite crazy. My partner of 12 1/2 years dropped the bomb on me last Sunday that he is thinking of leaving. What?!!? Are you crazy? I'm just about to start my 3rd and final year of grad school, an internship on top of my full-time job, and I'm having surgery in 3 weeks. Coulld you pick a worse time? Needless to say, I was a bit of a wreck that day. Since then, we have done a lot of talking, and are going to try to work it out. That, however, is not the best news.
 
In the past, I have been very dependant on my relationships, including this one. The thought of being left alone was terrifying to me, and I would give anything to keep the relationship going. Last week, I felt a little desperation in the day, but then I started seriously thinking about what I would do. It's funny, I wasn't trying to let practicality override love, but, really, I had school and internship starting soon, and this surgery. I never once considered quitting school or canceling the surgery, which I would have done a few years ago. I quietly figured out how I would do on my own. I came to the conclusion that I would be ok. I'm so proud of that, and it has really made me realize that I will be ok with this surgery too. I have become a strong person who can take care of herself! What a good feeling. Now I just need to triumph over food and I will be unstoppable =)
 
P.S. Started my pre-surgery shake diet today. So hungry. I know it will get better. 13 days...
 

I woke up today not feeling hungry, which is unusual for me. I tend to eat late at night, so I'm usually hungry in the morning, my own little vicious cycle. But cutting down on the food has really paid off. I was hungry often today, but each time, except meals, I had a piece of fruit and I was ok. I wish I knew that I could keep this up for months on end. This is just like so many good starts in the past. I find myself thinking...maybe I don't need the surgery...look at how well I'm doing...maybe I can do this on my own. What I'm forgetting is the roadblock that I will inevitably run into...the 14- hour shift at work, the fight with my hubby, the ten page paper I need to get done in a few hours so I cam sleep. These things WILL happen, and when they do I know the binge will be calling.
 
I found myself feeling weird earlier today. I have so many unhealthy ties to food, and the thought of not being able to turn to a binge when I am stressed is both a relief and frightening. I have had surgeries before, I had my gallbladder out, a pin put in my foot, I have taken radioactive iodine to kill off my functioning (overactive, yes, but functioning) thyroid. But none of these things made me feel that I would be fundamentally different in some way. It's almost as if food is so much a part of my personality that I worry that I will change as a person by having this surgery. Anyone else find themselves feeling that way? This is a scary journey for me, not because I'm worried about the surgery and the risks involved, or the pain. I'm worried about ME, the me that I know so well and who might act in unhealthy ways, but who I'm so comfortable with. Who will this journey turn me into?

So, I'm 40 years old, and have struggled with my weight about 30 of those years. Up and down, up and down. Now, my last "up" has lasted 10 years, and I can't seem to bounce back into the "down" mode. I'm starting to to feel the weight in my joints, and I can't remember the last time I had some real energy. I resisted the surgery for so long, because I felt like a failure if I couldn't do it on my own. Now I realize that the only failure would be if I didn't do all I could to reclaim my life!
 
One I decided to go for it, the process has been really quick for me. I work full-time and go to school fuul-time, and in July I start an internship on top of that, so I knew that the surgery had to be before July. I now have all my pre-reqs done and have a surgery date of June 18th!
 
I just started working on the behavioral changes for the surgery. My goodness, if anyone had told me it would be this hard to focus on my chewing I would not have believed it! I'm a little worried about the pre-surgical liquid diet, because I'm sure I will be hungry. I have started replacing one meal with a shake now, and yep, I'm hungry! But that's ok, it will be so worth it in the long run!