AnnMarie49930

I have been a single mom for many years. Yes, I have a boyfriend but have done the child rearing on my own for about 13 years. My daughter will be 16 in August. My son just turned 15 on the 5th.
 
As I stated in an earlier post I have always been on the heavy side. This is the longest I have actually cared about what I eat, how many grams of protein, how many calories.
 
Tonight while cleaning up from dinner I was talking to myself about how instead of eating the left over cookie dough I put the bowl in the sink. My daughter looked at me and said " Mom, you've actually been doing good on what you eat and it shows. You haven't smoked in a while too. I'm really proud of you." While I really wanted to cry because no one tells me they are proud, i just smiled and said "Thank you Becca"
 
P.S. I did eat one small cookie. I figured I would eat one and that would be it instead of looking, fighting it for a hour or two and give in and eat half the plate! Self control!!!!

I had my sleep study last night. It went pretty well. I fell asleep around midnight and woke at 8:30. I don't remember any dreams I had but do remember waking about 4 times. Once was for the technician to come in and reattach a lead that feel off from my head. I have very long ( to my butt) wavy hair and he's peering around my head with a flash light pulling and tugging my hair to find that one lead. Now, anyone that knows me knows I love to joke around and make comments... so... me and my big mouth said "You 're pulling my hair and i'm not even having any fun". I'll blame that comment on the fact I was half asleep! HA HA HA
Other then my night. Not much else has happened today!

So ok. I started having feet problems back in 2004. was working on concrete all day and figured I needed some sort of orthotic. my weight was around 400. over the course of the next year, started having chest pains which the Heart Doc said was caused by stress, weight steady climbing. in 2005 weight is almost 500 lbs, feet and knees killing me, drinking tons of energy drinks to make it thru the work day, seeing a podiatrist who says I have heels spurs and degenerative bone disease. makes me take LOA from work to wear special foot supports (boots) to try and ease the plantars fasciatis. off work for 1 month, weight stable around 500 at this time. september of 2005, the podiatrist again makes me take medical loa and am off my feet for next three months. weight starts climbing. can't sleep at night, chest hurts all the bloody time, usually because I am angry and blood pressure now a major issue. go in to visit with HR and they tell me that my only option is to report for work or be terminated. doctor says I can't work. lose my job, lose my benefits, watch my 401k get eaten alive, go into bankruptcy. I go in for a sleep study and find out I have sleep apnea, the sleep doctor tells me that I have apparently not gotten a good nights sleep in almost 25 years. cause for depression, suicidal thoughts, weight gain, I get put on a cpap. laying flat on my back now, can't move around, weight going up, chest hurts, legs hurt all the way into my hips. get a chest x ray and my heart is the size of a small football. no wonder it hurts...skip forward as all I am doing in 2006, 2007, 2008 is lying in bed dying. finally get aproved for medicare and go see a doctor. after a few visits, he suggest I see Doctor Lee Schmitt from alabama surgical weight loss center. I go to a seminar at St Vincents east in birmingham alabama and weigh myself. 590 lbs.gained almost 2oo lbs in 4 years. speak with Doctor Schmitt. he tells me to get my weight down below 500 lbs and he will do a gastric bypass. I start drinking protein shakes and eating salads. my weight starts inching down a lb or so a month, I start trying to walk and can make it from 1 telephone pole to the next and back again. I start trying to extend my walks every week until I can walk a quarter mile, and go back to a bypass support group meeting st st vincents east, I weigh in at 550. I have lost 40 lbs. I continue doing the protein shakes and salads and start going to the support group meeting every month. I have an interview with Doctor Schmitt and my weight is at 525. NOW I have to start jumping thru some hoops, visiting with a Psychologist and a nutritionist and getting evaluated and poked and prodded. I get a surgical date for december of 2008 and 1 week before my surgery, when I am doing a liquid diet to shrink my liver prior to surgery, the bloody shrink puts a the breaks on my surgery. she insist I speak with a therapist and take a test, the test cost me out of pocket over 400 dollars and told me what I already knew, I am depressed and suicidal and bi polar and just suffering from PTSD. I go in for a sleep study (also required) still need the cpap. I hate that thing. hurts my face, if I roll over I drool and the bloody thing fills up with drool, ever wake up drowning in your own spit? GROSS!
february 15th 2009. report to ST V's at 5:30 am. I weigh in at 490 lbs. they lay me down on a bed, a nurse injects something into my IV and off to sleep I go. wake up time, my wife and daughter are trying to wake me up in recovery. jessica tells me that cloee my cat wants me to wake up I think, kinda foggy on that memory, but I wake up. within the next hour Sandra, My Wife, gets me up and walking short distances in the hallway. 2 days later I go home. will continue this story later.

A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it.
 
The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?".
 
Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience.
 
Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.

My uncle Mal died on Tueday. I was never close with him but i needed to go to his funrnal for my father. After in the Jewish religon we do something call stitting shiva pepole sit and rember the love one snd food is seved and others bring tons and tons and tons of food. This could be a bandest nightmer. the furit basket have stared to come somehow they become less fruit and more choclet and cookies all the stuff i would have gone right for. Then to make the whole thing better my faimly was there. I not great freinds whith very meny of them my 1st coisens are 15 to 20 years older then me and still look at me as the chubby kid in the family who eat becuse she sad, upset. lonely I am the only one who is bigger in the family.i looked around to see what i could eat there it was protine lots of it chicken salda and little tiny roll ups that when you un rolled with out the bred was the perfect size for me and i knew if i sat long enough i could chew it and i had tryed cold cuts at my house and had no problem. My cosin who have no idea what i did said to me why are you on a starvation deit don't you want the cookies cakes ect. I keeped a bottle of watter in my hands during all the cookies and cakes knowing i can not eat and drink at the same time. Finley my mom bulrted out Laura on a helthy kick she had Weight Loss Sugery she even truned down food from me lately. Then led to a bunch of question how long do i plan to do this ect ect. After my fear that i might lose my band on monday night i was not messing it up I need the band I also need those size 16 paints i have now and all those cookies and cakes will only lead to me being bigger and i don't want that. One family member was so taken with me she said she wanted it but did not want to give up things. I told her if your not willing to change your life and your relationship with food and work on this evey day then this would not be the right choice for you. This is only a tool and it will only work if you work the program right not if your going to screw with it

I have been thinking of having weight loss surgery for some time now. And that is as far as it went. Thinking aboiut it. For years and years my weight has gone up and up with out me really thinking anything about it or acknowledging it. Well, here I am at 41 years old and more then morbidly obese. I am ashamed of how I look and feel knowing that I put myself into the situation I am in. I know that if I don't do something about it I could die and I am way to young for that to happen. I have two wonderful children that are teenagers and I want to see them grow into adults and have children of there own. There's so much in life I still want to see and enjoy. I took the first step about a month ago by talking to my doctor about how I feel about my health and weight issues. She and I talked about surgery and placed the call to Dr. English in Marquette Michigan. With in a few days the office contacted me and sent an information package in the mail. I admit it took a while to mail the package back to them. I wanted to be sure I had learned much more before taking the next step.
On March 21st, I attended the conference where I learned much more and made the decision to mail the filled out forms back to Dr. English's office. Next step, make appointments for psych exam and so forth. One step at a time , baby steps.. and I will succeed!

I have been thinking of having weight loss surgery for some time now. And that is as far as it went. Thinking aboiut it. For years and years my weight has gone up and up with out me really thinking anything about it or acknowledging it. Well, here I am at 41 years old and more then morbidly obese. I am ashamed of how I look and feel knowing that I put myself into the situation I am in. I know that if I don't do something about it I could die and I am way to young for that to happen. I have two wonderful children that are teenagers and I want to see them grow into adults and have children of there own. There's so much in life I still want to see and enjoy. I took the first step about a month ago by talking to my doctor about how I feel about my health and weight issues. She and I talked about surgery and placed the call to Dr. English in Marquette Michigan. With in a few days the office contacted me and sent an information package in the mail. I admit it took a while to mail the package back to them. I wanted to be sure I had learned much more before taking the next step.
On March 21st, I attended the conference where I learned much more and made the decision to mail the filled out forms back to Dr. English's office. Next step, make appointments for psych exam and so forth. One step at a time , baby steps.. and I will succeed!