Cazz

Yay! I finally hit my first self-imposed goal: 25 lbs down!!! WooHOO! (******cue dancing poodles and waving sparklers******)
 
Tomorrow will mark 3 months of being banded (surgery was Feb 1st), and in that time (well, including pre-surgery liquid diet) I have lost 25 lbs. Forgive me for repeating myself so often, but this is big for me. I think one of the reasons I set my first goal as one that would take some time to accomplish was because I needed hard evidence that this "band thing" could actually work for me, that I might finally have found a way to lose the weight I've been battling for as long as I can remember (I was a normal kid until I started school at age 5... I don't remember what it feels like not to be heavy). Trust me, I've been on every diet on earth, and I've always been able to lose a little weight, but it was always a slow, hard battle and it always seemed to take forever to see results, so I needed to set myself a goal that would be a "real" loss, not just the 5 or 10 or even 15 lbs I've lost so many times before. Been there, done that, gained it back plus some, not impressed. With 25 lbs, I'm finally impressed.
 
Dieting has been part of my life since I was 9 years old. In that time, I can't count the number of pounds I've lost and regained (and gained and gained). Also in that time I've tried every diet in creation, and let me tell you, they've all of them had one thing in common: they sucked! All of them felt like a constant battle, pitting me and my willpower again my hunger and my love of flavor (I would say love of food, but in this case I'm really not talking about food as comfort or emotional band-aid, but as a pleasurable sensory experience). Every time I've dieted, I've felt miserable and constantly walking a tightrope over the canyon of all the things I wasn't allowed to eat. In the past, keeping myself limited to 1500 calories a day felt like absolute torture. Seriously, it should have been covered by the Geneva convention.
 
But with the band that's all different. I eat between 800-1200 calories a day (usually around 1000) and I'm only hungry when it's actually time for a meal or a snack. I enjoy everything I eat, but I'm able to stop myself when I've either had my allotted portion or I'm feeling satisfied. I'm able to eat things that truly give me pleasure and stay in control so I don't overdo it. I just can't describe what an amazing feeling that it. It just rocks.
 
The band has changed my life in so many ways that can only be called positive. I finally have hope... no, I finally have confidence that I can and will take off this burdensome weight. I might not be one of those people who loses every excess pound within the first 6 or 9 or even 12 months, but now I know that it will come off. Let me sit with that for a minute, because that's huge. This is the first time in my life I've ever been able to say that and really mean it. That makes my heart swell with happiness. I can do this now, with the help of my band.
 
I can and I will.
 
So, my next goal is a little one: 5 more lbs for 30 lbs total. It's a small one because it will encompass 2 accomplishments in one shot. First, it will be the most I've lost in one attempt in my adult life, and second, it will put me back in onederland, 2 things I've been hoping for for a long time. Plus, hey, 30 lbs is a great round number. I can hardly wait.
 
Even better, I know I won't be waiting long.

After a very uncomfortable night's sleep last night and a stiff morning, I'm feeling much better now. My referred pain in my shoulder is being managed by heat wraps and my tummy incision wounds aren't that bad right now. I am taking soluble panadol in water and it's so strange having to sip on that. I used to chug water into me like I was on a mission and now I'm having to slow it down so much. I'm so hopeful and yet a little apprehensive too that I'll be noticed... I know people will start to see the weight loss and wonder what I'm doing but you know what actually now that I've typed that, I don't care... I'm so excited!! My wonderful friend just dropped by with some panadol for me and she's as excited as me, complimenting my flat tummy (flat in comparison to 2 weeks ago- its still huge! But you gotta love her enthusiasm)
 
I'm having a bed day, I'm up and about in between but instead if sitting at the table or on the couch I'm propped up in bed. I can't go outside the weather is miserable (an Irish reality) and my place of work is too close to home to be seen until I get back to work next week. I've been told not to push it til after the weekend anyway which makes sense to me, keyhole or not, it's still surgery, a truma to the body that needs to be acknowledged and looked after.
 
I keep looking forward to the end of the summer and wondering what I'll look like, how I'll feel.... Will I still have the same crush I have right now? Will I be able to act it out with increased confidence and self belief? I find it funny that I'll be the same me but that people will get to see me at last... Food for thought....
 
I took 15 minutes to eat my ready brek this morning and it was freezing half way. I slowly drank a glass of juice and I mean very slowly compared to before and I still think I'm not being slow enough. Instead of shovelling it all in, I'm being forced to reassess my habits and take my time... Which is so not my usual style, I'm like a whirlwind in so many ways, especially in relation to my eating. I think this is gong to be enlightening in more ways than one. Maybe I'll slow everything down and become a calmer eater and person in general.
 
It's funny to listen to water slowly gurgling down or to feel a very slight back up when taking a drink... My band is going to kick in where will power won't, i will be forced to break my bad habits by being physically unable to shovel in bad food. This is FANTASTIC!!!! I am seriously going to try to focus on the positive. It doesn't matter what everyone around me does, this is time for me to focus on me. I still can't believe it's done, I can't believe I have a band inside me. I'm finally going to do it! I'm going to lose this weight that has shackled me for nearly my whole life. I'm so thankful. I wish everyone on the same journey the BEST of luck. We CAN do this!
 

After a very uncomfortable night's sleep last night and a stiff morning, I'm feeling much better now. My referred pain in my shoulder is being managed by heat wraps and my tummy incision wounds aren't that bad right now. I am taking soluble panadol in water and it's so strange having to sip on that. I used to chug water into me like I was on a mission and now I'm having to slow it down so much. I'm so hopeful and yet a little apprehensive too that I'll be noticed... I know people will start to see the weight loss and wonder what I'm doing but you know what actually now that I've typed that, I don't care... I'm so excited!! My wonderful friend just dropped by with some panadol for me and she's as excited as me, complimenting my flat tummy (flat in comparison to 2 weeks ago- its still huge! But you gotta love her enthusiasm)
 
I'm having a bed day, I'm up and about in between but instead if sitting at the table or on the couch I'm propped up in bed. I can't go outside the weather is miserable (an Irish reality) and my place of work is too close to home to be seen until I get back to work next week. I've been told not to push it til after the weekend anyway which makes sense to me, keyhole or not, it's still surgery, a truma to the body that needs to be acknowledged and looked after.
 
I keep looking forward to the end of the summer and wondering what I'll look like, how I'll feel.... Will I still have the same crush I have right now? Will I be able to act it out with increased confidence and self belief? I find it funny that I'll be the same me but that people will get to see me at last... Food for thought....
 
I took 15 minutes to eat my ready brek this morning and it was freezing half way. I slowly drank a glass of juice and I mean very slowly compared to before and I still think I'm not being slow enough. Instead of shovelling it all in, I'm being forced to reassess my habits and take my time... Which is so not my usual style, I'm like a whirlwind in so many ways, especially in relation to my eating. I think this is gong to be enlightening in more ways than one. Maybe I'll slow everything down and become a calmer eater and person in general.
 
It's funny to listen to water slowly gurgling down or to feel a very slight back up when taking a drink... My band is going to kick in where will power won't, i will be forced to break my bad habits by being physically unable to shovel in bad food. This is FANTASTIC!!!! I am seriously going to try to focus on the positive. It doesn't matter what everyone around me does, this is time for me to focus on me. I still can't believe it's done, I can't believe I have a band inside me. I'm finally going to do it! I'm going to lose this weight that has shackled me for nearly my whole life. I'm so thankful. I wish everyone on the same journey the BEST of luck. We CAN do this!
 

Day two of the Liguid diet and I have to admit I have already cheated. Garlic cloves are a weakness!! Had about 8 cloves and some onion slices. Candy is not my weakness, thank goodness but I have to be strong. I was a little weak yesterday but I had such a big day. To top it all off I had a "31 Party" (may I add I did awesome) then I had to go to work for a few hours. Today my stomach is hungry but I am fighting through it. I put rubberbands on my bottled water so I can keep track of how many bottles I drink. Seems to be a good system for me considering I can't remember

Hi,
I have decided to make an effort to blog some of my journey to keep me grounded. I have a track record of giving up and I feel so determined today to change. I'm having my gastric band operation on Monday 23rd April. I feel so emotional about everything. I'm a bit of a wreck to be honest. I have allowed my weight to hold me back for so long it's like I'm mourning my lost years. I'm 28 and I have already waited too long to get the band. It's like I kept telling myself that I could do it alone, I'd daydream and imagine but the reality never came true. I loathe my body. I loathe myself to be honest. To the outside world I hide it to a certain extent but what I have noticed over the past year or more is that my weight is actually drowning my personality and has made me quite bitter. I have become quite negative and it pains me to admit that I am this person. i wule love to be happy go lucky and easygoing without over analysing every social situation and feeling paranoid and aware of myself ALL the time. Even with my closest friends and family, when I'm just sitting there, I'm at myself, fixing myself, tugging myself, looking at my stomach, wondering are they looking at it, worrying bout my huge double chin. Conscious of how I'm perceived. I worry that I wil never change and that I'm destined to live a miserable life. I do also realise I sound very dramatic and I know that I have the capability to change.
 
Chatting with a friend las night I articulated my feelings quite well out of nowhere, I know what I need to change, I can take a step back and look from the outside in as if I was advising a best friend or loved one. I know what needs to be done but actually being in my shoes and having to follow through on a daily basis makes this mammoth task seem impossible. I have serious self doubt. I don't know if I actually possess the will power to follow through with this challenge. I'm good at talking the talk but I need support to help me on my way.
 
Looking at other people's blogs and video diaries helps- but I can't seem to visualise myself at the other end. I am on day 4 of a liquid diet, not shakes etc, mainly soups, low fat custard, yogurts, sugar free jelly, lots of fluid, and mushy cereal for breakfast. While I have known for some time this 2 week liquid diet would come I am disgusted with myself for having cheated very badly on day 2- there were lots of Easter eggs around the house and I got hold of one. That's the worst part is that everyone around me is still eating very badly. There is huge temptation in the house. My parents are here for another week or so and then I will resume autonomy of what food comes into the house. I had cleared the place out but working abroad and being on leave home means the others are in holiday mode- this very holiday mode is the reason such bad habits exist in my family unit. I am realising more and more that I will need to find my own way in the middle of all this because their habits are not going to change. Take always, convenience food, coca cola, junk, crisps, bread, with the occasional nice healthy meal or fruit smoothie binges- that's been my life and It's so hard to break a lifetime of bad habits.
 
I hope that at least some of what I say resonates with some of you. I would really appreciate some encouragement and feedback. I do feel like my biggest challenge will be addressing my psychological dependence on food. Hope I haven't gone on too much. Thanks for reading
 
 

I've been reading a lot of blogs where people are having a hard time with the band and losing weight. I have posted a few other times about this same topic so it may be helpful for people to read those as well.
It's been over a year for me and I have been through all of these struggles- from not losing weight, working out ALL the time, to getting filled so tight that I threw up several times a day to eating less than 800 cals...... Ive been there!
I went to an X national body builder and licensed nutritionalist and learned what I was doing wrong.
Here's the deal:
You MUST eat 5-6 times a day and get about 1500-1800 cals in a day depending on your weight and activity level. You can find out what you need by knowing your metabolic rate which you can get off the internet as a guide.
You MUST eat a lot of protien or you will lose muslce instead of fat. If you weigh 200lbs you need 200 grams of protein per day.
You MUST do moderate cardio 4 times a week for about 40 min ( dont go more or you will go into a catabolic state and burn muscle)
You MUST lift heavy weights 2 times a week just to keep the muscle you already have - takes about 20 min
You MUST eat a protein, good fat and incindental carb ( berries and veggies) with every meal
You MUST have a good "cheat day" every week - it causes our bodies to not get use to the same food day after day and requires the body to work hard ( burn calories) to digest a heavy meal.
You MUST limit sugar, starchy carbs and bad fat!!
 
I can promise you that if you do these things you will burn fat. Throw the darn scale away. The scale does not indicate how much FAT you lose.
 
I lose about half of a pound to a pound a week but Im very close to my ideal weight. My weight loss has been very slow the whole time, but thats OK!
 
I got all the fluid taken out of my band a few months ago because I could not eat what I needed to eat in order to lose fat.
 
Please email me if you have thoughts or questions.

Well yesterday out of pure want to i tried on my wedding dress from 2009. I put on the slip that wouldn't stay up with out a fight, i put the suckeriner bra thing on that i didn't need extenders for any more and i gracefully stepped into my wedding dress that was about six sizes too big. As i thought back to my wedding day i thought about before the wedding the scared feelings that excitement then i remembered thinking what am i going to look like in the pics? I thought omg call off the wedding im a cow. But i said oh well im not going to change in one day so lets get this over with. Needless to say i hated all the pics of my wedding that had me in them.
And now here i am about three years later in the same dress thinking damn i wish i would have been this skinny the day of my wedding. And that makes me think should i sell this dress and buy a new one with the money i get from the old one and do it again lol or maybe just take all the pictures again. But here is the thing that was me. And my husband married me for me not for what i looked like but me. Im still the same person there is just less of me. And my husband seems to love me just as much as he did the day we said "I DO" so sitting in that dress made me realize that i was happy about the wedding and the wedding pics after all. So i pulled the dress off and i hung it up and that is where it is going to stay if for nothing else but a reminder that even fat i was still beautiful to someone.
Its so easy to think that once you are looking cute that you were just ugly before and that everyone saw your ugliness but you. but really your only as pretty as you make your self out to be. I know most all Americans don't see it this way but this is how it should be. It really doesn't matter what you look like on the outside what matters the most is how you are on the inside. You can be the most beautiful person on the out side but if the inside is nothing but rotten it make you not look so beautiful after all. Any ways i realized that im the same person i have always been nothing really changed but my outside shell. And that is something to smile about. And now im not treated like an ogar but treated like the person i always thought that i was but no one could see but me and my husband who made it very clear that i was always beautiful to him. And once i stoped hatting myself and could see that the more beautiful i have become no one is ugly because they are fat and no one should hate themselves because they are fat that should love the person that they are. And if at the end of the day you can love the fat you as well as the new you then its a good day.
So for that i want to say thank you to the most loving man i have ever met.
 

Hi,
I have decided to make an effort to blog some of my journey to keep me grounded. I have a track record of giving up and I feel so determined today to change. I'm having my gastric band operation on Monday 23rd April. I feel so emotional about everything. I'm a bit of a wreck to be honest. I have allowed my weight to hold me back for so long it's like I'm mourning my lost years. I'm 28 and I have already waited too long to get the band. It's like I kept telling myself that I could do it alone, I'd daydream and imagine but the reality never came true. I loathe my body. I loathe myself to be honest. To the outside world I hide it to a certain extent but what I have noticed over the past year or more is that my weight is actually drowning my personality and has made me quite bitter. I have become quite negative and it pains me to admit that I am this person. i wule love to be happy go lucky and easygoing without over analysing every social situation and feeling paranoid and aware of myself ALL the time. Even with my closest friends and family, when I'm just sitting there, I'm at myself, fixing myself, tugging myself, looking at my stomach, wondering are they looking at it, worrying bout my huge double chin. Conscious of how I'm perceived. I worry that I wil never change and that I'm destined to live a miserable life. I do also realise I sound very dramatic and I know that I have the capability to change.
 
Chatting with a friend las night I articulated my feelings quite well out of nowhere, I know what I need to change, I can take a step back and look from the outside in as if I was advising a best friend or loved one. I know what needs to be done but actually being in my shoes and having to follow through on a daily basis makes this mammoth task seem impossible. I have serious self doubt. I don't know if I actually possess the will power to follow through with this challenge. I'm good at talking the talk but I need support to help me on my way.
 
Looking at other people's blogs and video diaries helps- but I can't seem to visualise myself at the other end. I am on day 4 of a liquid diet, not shakes etc, mainly soups, low fat custard, yogurts, sugar free jelly, lots of fluid, and mushy cereal for breakfast. While I have known for some time this 2 week liquid diet would come I am disgusted with myself for having cheated very badly on day 2- there were lots of Easter eggs around the house and I got hold of one. That's the worst part is that everyone around me is still eating very badly. There is huge temptation in the house. My parents are here for another week or so and then I will resume autonomy of what food comes into the house. I had cleared the place out but working abroad and being on leave home means the others are in holiday mode- this very holiday mode is the reason such bad habits exist in my family unit. I am realising more and more that I will need to find my own way in the middle of all this because their habits are not going to change. Take always, convenience food, coca cola, junk, crisps, bread, with the occasional nice healthy meal or fruit smoothie binges- that's been my life and It's so hard to break a lifetime of bad habits.
 
I hope that at least some of what I say resonates with some of you. I would really appreciate some encouragement and feedback. I do feel like my biggest challenge will be addressing my psychological dependence on food. Hope I haven't gone on too much. Thanks for reading