It amazes me how much my body has changed in only five weeks. Rolls are smaller, my side boobs are almost gone, and my stomach is semi flat (though still big). My legs are changing and shaping and my boobs are shrinking to the smallest they have been since college....when I used to think they were very large. If I have changed this much is such a short time, I can't even imagine what I will look like in a year. The idea of being around 150 pounds is still unreal to me. I know it's my goal and I am doing everything I need to in order to make my goal, but it still seems crazy to me to think I could ever bee that thin. I wasn't even that thin in high school.
Yesterday I took the plunge and tried on my bathing suit. I knew when I bought it two years ago that it was too small for me, but I didn't care. I shoved every inch of fat into it and enjoyed myself on the beach or in the pool. That won't be the case this year. First, it went right on with no wiggle-wiggle. You girls know what I mean. The moving your body and the garment in an attempt to get it up and over your ___________(fill in the blank). Nope, this time it slid right up. It fit perfectly and I looked good in it. Not model good, but good. I will no longer have to pretend that I feel comfortable at the beach, because now I will be. I was so excited that I came running out of the bedroom to tell my husband only to find him passed out on the couch taking a nap. So, I decided to jump into the car and drive the mile to my parent's home and show my new body to my mother. I was smart enough to throw some clothes on before running out the door. I think it would be a little strange to see a woman driving in her bathing suit this early in the summer. I do live near a beach, so it's not as uncommon as you may think. I literately walked into the house, said hello and stripped down to my bathing suit. Lucky for me my mother is very understanding and didn't demand me to stop stripping in her kitchen. Instead, she looked me up and down and told me how wonderful I look. Yea, I look wonderful in a bathing suit. LOL
Then to make my weekend even better, I tried on a pair of Old Navy sweats I bought prior to my surgery. They couldn't get over my but when I bought them but now, they fit just perfectly. I am really liking this weight loss thing that comes from getting a sleeve. I wish someone would have told me this would have been a side affect. I would have done it a long time ago. LOL Just kidding. The only side affect I didn't really know about was how good I would really feel and not just because the clothes fit. It's more just feeling better all around. Knowing I did something for me that is making me healthier every day. Now, if weight loss is a part of that, I'll take it. I will also take feeling good in a bathing suit (both kinds) because, that's something I haven't felt .... well, ever.
So I had a few minutes to spare and found myself rehashing all the "what if's" of wls. It almost feels like my health and happiness are hinged on this. I guess in a way it is. In my immediate family there is a history of CAD, DM, CVA's, Colon CA, etc. So the reality of it is if I don't lose the weight, the aforementioned is what I have in my future. Not acceptable.
I've lost weight a hundred times over only to gain it right back. I don't eat unhealthy foods, I just eat too much. I exercise about 3x's per week, I drink water, limit my intake of sodas and I've never smoked a cigarette. I'm 5'2 and about 206lbs today. My belly is about to burst out of my size 14 jeans that are too small, but I continue to wear them anyway (denial). I am sick of painful joints, back pain, being winded with activity, avoiding social events, sleeping all weekend, urinary incontinence and all the other stuff that goes with being fat.
So I was desperate... I am refinancing my first home (2yrs into mortgage) in order to pay for this. My employer has an obesity exclusion on our insurance at work... I expect they'll remove that exclusion as the company grows, but for now I'm on my own.
I could make a list a mile long of "what if's" as to why NOT to have surgery, but instead I choose to focus on the "what if's" as to why it's so crucial for me to have surgery. What if I have a heart attack? What if I am dx'd with Diabetes? What if I have a stroke? What if I get cancer? Who'll take care of my son, my mother, my niece, my employees, etc. Who will fight for what's right for the patients I take care of? Who will grow old with my BFF? The thought of all those haunting questions are much scarier to me than the "what if's" that go with surgery.
When my daddy went in to have an abdominal aneurysm removed he told a friend of his he'd die without the surgery. His buddy asked him "but what if you die from the surgery?" My daddy (always full of advice) simply told him he at least had to try.... and try he did.
I do have some concerns about undergoing major surgery in order to lose weight. It terrifies me. Change is terrifying, but oh so necessary. So why should I have surgery?
Physically - I want to be able to go for a walk or run, I want to not have huge "cankles" at the end of the day, I want to not be out of breath coming back from the mailbox, I want to be free of arthritic pain in my hips, I want to put on clothes without a struggle.
Emotionally - I want to be proud of who I see in the mirror, I want to get off the vicious cycle of weight gain & depression, I want the inner me to like the outter me.
Spiritually - I have no excuse for not going to church, except that I feel so ashamed of the weight I've put on. I know they aren't staring at me, but that is exactly how it feels. I want to be able to go to the altar and worship once again...
Financially - I love my job, but since I've put on the weight I've stopped scheduling speaking engagements (something I LOVE), calling on new accounts, visiting old accounts, speaking at meetings, etc. It's almost like I've given up on me. So the more of all that stuff I do, the more money I can make
Socially - I have no social life anymore. I hate going to anything where there is a crowd of people. I avoid it all costs. My clothes are too small, I feel horrible and I just wind up miserable. I have the most amazing boyfriend who LOVES to get out and socialize and yet he's stuck with me... at home... every weekend.
So there ya go... I don't feel like I really have a choice. It's either another yo-yo round of dieting with impending disappointment from the scales or a true lifestyle change... I'm 40yrs old and I have so much living and loving left to do. This is for a better me so I can be a better mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, girlfriend, boss and hopefully encourage others to do the same.
Here's to the living, loving and laughing that is yet to come!
